I was looking through some pictures from this summer on my camera today and came across one of those pictures that was funny at the time, but months later you are like why the hell did I think this was necessary to capture on film. Come to think of it about half of the pictures I take are non-kodak moments. I guess in the age of digital cameras we don't really have to be too stingy about what we take, so thank God for that technology. Anyways my inspiration for today's blog comes from a day at Coney Island, I was just minding my business on the beach with some friends when out of nowhere appeared "speedo man".
We all know this guy, the one who invades our privacy by giving up too much of his, no beach on earth is stranger to this fellow. I understand this is commonplace in the South of France or some Greek Isle, but on a Puerto Rican packed beach 50 feet from a fairground and 10 miles from Manhattan, I'd ask that you please refrain from putting the snake on exhibit. None of these guys are J. Crew models either, they are typically built like a mixture of Robin Williams and Mario (no not the singer the one from Nintendo). Old, overweight, underplayed, hairy, and 9.3 times out of 10 Italian through and through.
They seem to find all sorts of reasons to bend over too, or do any sort of stretching while there just to make sure they are noticed. Or they think it will make them appear to have more luggage than typically allowed in the over head compartment. To continue getting as much attention as they can they start doing Yoga there on their beach towel, and somehow end up posed in the "bridge" position for an ungodly amount of time (ungodly and unmanly).
We know they are only wearing the speedo for attention too, why else would they be out on an overcast day, alone, wearing next to nothing, and asking every single girl who passes to lotion them up. If the girls were not freaked out by the gerbil that is trying to escape their pants then they would probably be worried about getting caught in the web of permed back hair.
To Whom it May Concern:
I know you guys are under the false impression that you are gonna be stylin like "the Hoff", score droves of chicks, and then take them all back to your big, circular, rotating, suede bed. But you are more likely to end your day at the beach entering your name in a sex felon registry than with a girl on each arm. This is not the movies Mr. Powers. This is reality, and the reality is that when people walk by and point they are not saying/thinking hey look at that stud, they are saying hey look at that hairy, permed, jackass in the yellow speedo. If people are taking pictures with you it is not because they want to take you home to mom and dad, its because they've just found their new hilarious Facebook profile picture.
So if anyone who stumbles across my blog is a Speedo wearin mofo I hope that you have learned from this experience that we had today. If not, I have included a list of a few places that it is acceptable to wear the short suit. If anyone has any places to add feel free to post them in the comments and I'll be sure to consider adding it to my list.
List of places Speedo's are acceptable (don't deviate):
3. The gym
4. The Olympics
5. The Seventies