Day 17 --- Tommy Barf-hama

Where do these playful old men come from? It would appear that they just walked off the set of Miami Vice or Hawaii 5-0. Yes, you guessed it, I'm talking about the group of grandpas who still think it is stylish to wear those flowered Hawaiian shirts every day of the year. Not just everyday though, but every where. From Costco to BINGO they are dressed in hula attire.
In my opinion this wear is only acceptable in 3 places; a cruise ship, a vacation somewhere tropical, or in the confines of your own retirement home. I don't think in the dead of winter you should pull off your parka to uncover this flowery mess, topped off with puka shells (but I have seen it, I promise!). Not to mention the fact that the men who do this are on average one to two buttons below standard protocol. I'm sure a majority of these gentlemen have owned their collection of flowered shirts since Elvis made them popular in the 50-60's. (Probably even more popular than his acting). Maybe even some brought them back during WWII/ Pearl Harbor, this does not make them stylish, this means they are heirlooms ready to be retired, or buried.

Is this our fault? Have we gotten so lazy when shopping for our grandpa's that we resort to the "Tommy Bahama" gift certificate every time. The only person winning in this situation is Tommy himself. Even his employees are sick of dealing with the putrid smell of moth balls (or old man balls for that matter). Is there away to put an end to this silver chest hair parade that has been polluting my eyes for years? Ive seen enough old men running around like Tony Montana to last me a life time, (Scarface reference) I'm afraid for our children. Just because you've retired does not mean you've moved to the tropics. I love shirts that show my chest hair as well, but there is a time and a place for this; my home, working out, or the beach. I personally think you guys should stick to the button ups with pocket protectors and Velcro shoes. You've been rockin those since I was born and not once has this style gotten an adverse reaction.

I'm not hating on your age, so don't get offended, I'm simply playing Joan Rivers best and worst dressed here. All of you Sean Connery wannabe's out there, I realize that you're old and senile and typically get away with stuff like this, but just try and be considerate next time your behind me in line at Luby's Cafeteria. And for the love of all that is good, if you are forced to wear one, be generous with the buttoning. I do not want to see the tattoo on your chest that used to be and anchor and now looks like a dong. Remember gravity and sun damage has taken full affect, be courteous. Cheers.

Below I've included a list of older men who are still allowed to wear the flower button ups wherever they want:

Harrison Ford.

If you can think of anymore, please leave them as comments. I'm sure you can think of at least one.


Day 16--- "You Were the Best We EVER Had"...

Here is another group that I have plenty of experience with. Unfortunately the experience is always memorable, but never enjoyable. This is about a group of underhanded, sneaky, cheap, people. Who are clearly not subscribers to "Tipping 09'". Without further ado I present to you, "the verbal tippers".

If you are a server at any restaurant that does not require you to wear white gloves, you have met this next group of low-life's. They are the guests you are just spot on with everything for the entire night. You get the drinks right away. The appetizer hits well before the food, they love it, they are falling in love with you. There is plenty of non-awkward small talk. They tell you how often they eat out and how well traveled they are. Their food comes, you hear the moans from the around the corner, score! They love your suggestions, everything has been perfect. They call you over, they want the check, you have it. They have not had to wait for anything , not even a refill. They tell you that they will be back for sure, they are gonna request you, they're gonna suggest the restaurant and you. They may as well have just written a letter to the "Zagat" they were so in love with everything. They stand up after looking at the check and rifling up the money. They have cash. Sweet, looks like they had nice clothes on. They were from Ohio, which normally is a swing state, but your hopeful. If you have done the calculations correctly their $91 check should bank you around $20 for your effort. Sure its a tad more than the standard 20% but these people basically told you they wanted you to have their 19 year old daughter, yes just have her, we like you that much. So, they come towards you with the check and cash... hand it to you. Even take the time to shake your hand and tell you once more how wonderful you are. They turn and walk away, you do the same and run to the side pantry to count your loot. You know after the bordello of A-trainers and Canadians that this is gonna be your first descent tip of the night, maybe even great. 30 on 90 is not un-heard of with my skills... So, you count... you count again. OK... Only a hundred here... You look at the check, maybe it was only $81... No, it was $91, you count again... run back out to the table, maybe you dropped it. NOPE. This was IT! You've been gotten, you've just been wallet-ly raped by the "verbal tipper". Oh it hurts, It hurts so much more than the ones you expect to tip bad, because those ones are rude the whole time and looking for shit to be wrong. These verbal tippers may have been whistling Dixie on their way out. Which is only because they just fisted you with 8-9% which after tip-share or tip out. IS like $5 on $91...

In all honesty, these people exist, and when they say they will be back and request you. They are not joking, more than once I have had to reserve people that only left me a verbal tip the prior time. I thought double jeopardy was not allowed!!!

Those of you who have not worked at restaurants may find this funny. It is, and its not, it is just too true to be funny. I can not tell you how many times over 4 years as a server I have been so so wrong about a table I thought was gonna hook me up, but they let me down.

Do they realize my landlord or my credit card company don't give a flying *&%$ about how good I am at my job. I cant call t-mobile and say hey, I know I'm behind on my bills but I never forget to put in an order. These are the people that you just want to give their $9 back and say, "hey guys, here's your change clearly you need it more than I do." They are the people that you are hoping as they walk back to their hotel room that some rogue taxi swerves off the road and... knocks their shoes off. OK, OK, maybe that's a little harsh, I don't hope it, but if it were to happen by some chance of fate, it really would not be the worst thing that could happen. This is the point when you wish you could have taken their 19 year old daughter in under your wing and taught her the proper tip etiquette, among other things.

So, let this be a lesson to all, if you do not tip 20% (unless service is shit)... Then there is a great chance you will be hit by a kamikaze cabbie. YES, even if you live in a town without them, this is why you need to just make sure to get in the habit of tipping. Keep in mind, our job may look easy, but i assure you after getting your ranch and honey-mustard for hours on end we are under the same pressure that a fireman is under. Ive looked up statistics, on Ryapedia.


Thanks Nodo for the suggestion, you keep reading, and I'll keep writing!

PS. just heard about this Harry Potter theme park in Orlando! Road trip 2010!


Day 15--- Miley Cy-ndrome...

Since yesterday I picked on the geriatric hookers today I decided to switch gears and pick on the younger crowd. These scantily clad teen/preteens need to put some clothes on. What is with the high school girls these days, I cant tell if they just started drinking their milk, or if the clothes are just getting smaller. If the latter is the case, which it very well may be, we need to start putting some regulations on who can buy what. Some sort of age minimums on plunging v-necks and halters (I realize this will never happen I'm just making a point). If the goods are not ready for use they should not be on display, call me sick, but its true. At 24 years old I should not be responsible for predicting age of potential targets when I'm at the "High School Musical" movie release. They need to start making under 18 or 21 yr olds wear wrist bands out in daily life, just like they do at the clubs. This would save a lot of future hassle and arrests for us all. I'm sure R Kelly would agree...

I know there are dress codes at school, but I think that is the least of these girls concerns, (true they need to watch out for the teachers) but what about the guys on the streets. We stare at everything, its genetic, hereditary, and forced into us from a young age. It would make it a lot easier not to look if these girls were not wearing next to nothing while playing on the play-scape at McDonalds. Its just one of those things, we get yelled at for looking, but honest to God sometimes 17 and 23 look an awful lot alike. You can argue, but spend a day at the mall and you will know its true. Once again, just because its called Forever 21, does not mean you are 21 yet. Wait it out. Cover it up. Have some modesty. Until you hit hmmm 21 and then whatever... JK...

So I made it to Cali. I love it.... its hottttt. But I just went to my first IKEA and fell in love. Everything from that places juice to its hangers are amazing. I was there for 3 hours and I could go back tomorrow and do it all over again... Anyways. Hit me up... see you tomorrow.. and If you're too young or too old cover up... If your are Mila Kunis or Katy Perry don't.


Day 14--- Cou-gross.

There is a problem sweeping this nation. OK, there are a lot of problems in our nation and probably bigger ones. But this is still a concern of mine. Old ladies who dress like they are in high school. This is really really unacceptable. I am a few days away from never being able to eat a prune again. I'm not talking about the 30. 40. or like 50 year old ladies who can still look stunning, Demi Moore I have learned to stomach. But I swear I saw a WWII survivor the other day with a Juicy get up on. Trust me, no one would have wanted to get up on... Not even Ashton. The bitties who dress like this are the same ones who think its cool to look like a burnt orange. The ones who have been sunbathing since they were 18, without wearing lotion. We need rules on the age of people shopping at Hot Topic and H&M, just because you can still fit in it does not mean you should wear it. If you are over..... say, 34 and 1/2 you have no business making a purchase at Forever 21. Just because the name is Forever 21 does not mean you will forever be 21. I think that may be where the confusion is. Its just a brand, not a life style... Same thing with piercings, anything that are not on the side of your head for you to hear should not be pierced if you are over 36 and 8 months (these are scientific numbers). I will throw up on you if I see your belly button ring and you look like Rosie O'Donnell that's wrong on so many levels, especially when it has to be as big as a Christmas tree ornament just to be visible. I'm tired of walking behind them and seeing cheese on its way to the cottage coming out of the bottom of your shorts that you got at Urban Outfitters. Or the cupcake coming out of the top of your 9 when your really a 13. Its not the size of the event I'm worried about its the overall coverage. I'm a hairy dude, so I try and wear shirts when I'm cooking for friends, its just courteous, (that's not really a good analogy I just wanted you guys to know that I can cook, and that I have friends. Some).

If you are sick of people with handi-capped stickers wearing the outfit from Hooters can I get an amen, or a hell ya... (its funny how both of those sayings mean the same thing but they are so contradictory)... I'm moving to California in about 3 hours and I know I am going to be in for a firestorm of 2 year old boobs on 65 year old bodies, and that scares me. Even after growing up in Scottsdale I am scared about the sheer amount of fake body parts I will encounter over the next couple of years. Hopefully Ill get some good material to write about.

The term G.I.L.F. should not exist. Strike it from your vocab., and if you don't know what it means, Good.

As I take off from NY I just wanna say cheers to all my friends in the city who came out to say goodbye. To those who didn't make it, Im deleting you off my facebook dont call me when I'm famous, even though I wont change my number. JK, I know there must be good reasons. Thanks to everyone who's been keeping up on this blog despite the grammatical errors, this is how I get better I imagine. Anyways, I love you and Ill miss you NY, all my friends, and all the restaurants....... and especially the convenience of not waiting in traffic, thank you MTA, we've been together a while, you've taken me home when I had no idea where I was, couldn't walk or remember my name, you've let me throw up on you and have not said a word. You've helped me be early, but more often than not I freak out when you are late (pregnancy joke there if you look for it). I will be thinking of you when I'm sitting in hours of traffic on the 10 just to go a few miles, ill be thinking about my A, C, E trains, my N, R, W, and of course my crosstown L how could i forget you. I couldn't, I wont, and one last thing....

"Stand clear of the closing doors please"...

I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry, I'm flying Jet Blue, they have TV's. I'll be fine, NY will always be here, Ill be back. I'm not gonna cry. Ill watch "Grandmas Boy" on the plane, "does Jet Blue give food?"... I'm not gonna cry, I wont, I'm not crying its just been raining on my face... (Flight of the Conchords reference)... No I'm good, I'm stoked its time to move on. I know I'm rambling, this is more for me and NY now, its our lovechild. You guys just got to see the moment it hit me that I was leaving. The moment. Whoa, well, hmm... I keep hearing that stupid OC song in the back of my head, OK the song isn't stupid, its the show. But, it ruined that song. I need to think of... like the Mama's and the Papas or something, The eagles, a little California Love-Tupac, I could go on... Ill spare you.... Bye for today blog, bye for a while NY and friends... Ill be back, I promise, thanks for making me...me.

I <3>


Day 13--- View from the Pot...

So, for those of you who may not know me. I'm moving to Hollywood from NYC tomorrow. Ive been a ball of stress for about the last week due to shipping and all that other exciting stuff. Today I finally broke through the front lines of the postal service and sent my boxes. 16 boxes= $480 about the price gas would have cost me, minus the headache of driving for 5-7 days. Now all I have to do is finish my laundry, pack, get my drink on tonight with friends. California here I come. Wish me luck.

In other news. Since I'm trying to stay stress free, I chose a simple group to write about today.

OK. So, everyone realizes there are two different ways to put toilet paper on a roll right? There's a right way, and a wrong way. I know it may fit either way you stick it in, but you guys drive me insane when you do it the wrong way (that's what she said-*necessary*). Its scientific, there may be many ways to eat a Reese's but I can assure you only one sane way to put your TP. I think there should be some personality test that watches how people put a roll on. Everyone who does it backwards, legally insane, unfit for public activity, George Bush status. Everyone else, normal. Call me anal (no pun intended), but I have met plenty of other people that hate grabbing the roll and finding out some half-wit put it on the wrong way. First of all, its harder to grab or find when the end of the roll is lost sooooomewhere around back, I don't have time to search for that shit (no pun intended again). (side note- i love potty humor.) The worst is when I pull it and get what I need, but because someone did a poor job of putting it on it continues to unravel to the floor. I'm not tryin to roll that all the way back off so I rip off more than I need and use it anyways. Basically, you guys are killing more trees then necessary. They are sick of this shit. (:-)...

Ive contacted the owners of Charmin, Cottonelle, and Scott just to make sure that I'm doing it the way that it was intended. For the sake of my point, I am, and the rest of you are disgracing toilet paper companies across the globe. That's hard to do, they make toilet paper.

Now you guys know what I'm doing on the toilet for so long when I come over.


Day 12--- Going Postal!

Going postal is an American English slang term, used as a verb meaning to suddenly become extremely and uncontrollably angry, often to the point of violence and in a workplace environment.

Why is it that our government insists on hiring people that aren't even fit to work at KFC to work at our post offices. I expect someone to be an incompetent bitch when she is serving me my ten piece, but not when you are accepting and shipping my valuables across the country/world. Everyone dreads going to the post office, whether you don't want to wait in line or you just don't want to deal with conglomerate of dip-shits that work there. We all have horror stories, here is mine.

Feel free to skip the next paragraph if you have already heard my awful postal experience or just don't care:
Yesterday I had an experience at my non-friendly neighborhood post office. The short of it: I got there to mail my life across the country (21 boxes-remember the pack rat blog) about ten minutes before they stopped letting people in. Not by choice it was the earliest i could get a ride that could fit my boxes. Regardless, I'm there on time and get in line. My brother fills up 3 dollies worth and wheels them in one at a time (he works for a moving company, thank God so this process is fast). They close at five, we get there at 4:50, first dolly in by :54. On his way in with the second one at :56 he is intercepted by Satan. This hood-rat stands in the doorway and says sir you ain't bringing anything else in here. Its almost 5. He keeps going, informing her that I was already inside with a third of my stuff and it was not five yet. He pushes past her while she yells threats about shutting the machines down so i couldn't send anything. He gets in as she yells at him, and then when he pushes them over to me, she starts yelling at me. "why woudun"t you out eh helpin him it wouda been a lot faster"...My reply, "Oh, sorry I wanted to make sure I was in line before five so I could get everything mailed."...She walks toward the back, "ya, well I'm shutting the machines down your not sending anything today". Since I was already in with 15 out of 21 boxes, still before 5, I took this as an idle threat. She's working for the government, this is not her own little fried chicken restaurant she can just open and close as she pleases. So, I continue waiting in line. About 15 minutes later, its my turn, I go up to the window and a completely different woman says, (in her nasty lisp of a Spanish accent) "sir we not taking you stuff today". Meantime, my brother left with the truck so here I am with 15 boxes and 2 she-devils. I was pissed to say the least, however, in a normal level but annoyed tone I say, "did you seriously just let me stand here for 20 minutes knowing you weren't going to help me and wait til I got up here to say anything".... Bitch #2 "sir you need to calm down"... (you know how when you are being calm and someone tells you to calm down it just makes you lose your shit)... Ya, so this happened, I'm already stressed out enough about shipping this shit, and now you're telling me the day I make it here I cant. She then says "and anyways we don't ship no boxes with words on em anyways". ALSO,could have been brought to my attention twenty minutes ago now!... So I say, "well about half of them are just brown boxes, can i ship those?"... "Do you have the addresses on them already?"... "Not yet, I'm shipping most of them media mail with confirmation and insurance and stuff so i thought you'd print a thing"... "OH, you not shippin that media mail, whats in there, that's not all media, I'm going to open and inspect every single one of them."... So I'm thinking, one, am I really being talked to like this from someone I have had no priors with. Two, for those of you who know me, you know I own close to 1,000 DVDs and half a library of books, (not that i read them). She is now not only being A douche-bitch (hybrid), but she is also questioning my integrity in front the few random strangers who stayed for the show, oh and the cleaning dude. Basically, I ended up just leaving once my brother got back, I was not about to sit there while she opened the boxes I just spent hours packing and taping so she could rifle thru my shit.

I really cant say enough derogatory things to express my hatred towards these people. (I'm aware that there are exceptions and I'm being overly general). I can honestly say that I have never left the post office and thought to myself gee that was fun they were so sweet, its certainly no Coldstone. I think that this point if one of them actually said anything other than "how you wanna ship this?, want insurance?, or need stamps?" I would think they were the nicest people on earth.

Lets face it the job really cant be that shitty. They get to wear cool outfits, they all match which means no one is competing to be the best-dressed postmaster. Its also for safety because all of the gang members that work there don't have to worry about the whole gang color situation. It took me almost 25 years, but now I realize why dogs bite these ass-holes, apparently dogs have a keen sense for who needs to be mangled.

Its like these morons get a little bit of power, learn how to say 17 words in English and they think they are in the CIA. I understand you work for the government but so did George Bush, do you really think being in the same category as him is an honor, not anymore. They are paid to take passport pictures but half of them are not eligible for their own it seems like. I swear, the second lady that "helped" me in my story must have had her raft parked out back or she works there so her man can send nose candy thru the mail since she was on the inside. Its sad that I have friends who can actually count past 20 and they cant find work now but these people at the USPS would be hard pressed to pass 15, in English at least. I truly believe postal workers must all be married to people who work for the airlines, because everything about these two groups is miserable. What is it about delivering people or their things that makes you guys want to kill everyone.

Going postal makes sense. I see why postal workers go crazy, if I was around them all day I would too. But pretty soon I think the tables are gonna turn and it will be called "going postal customer"... Which is obviously where we are sick of waiting in like and dealing with their shit and finally lose it.

I actually have a headache now from thinking about how much I hated those bitches yesterday. Yes, I'm aware hate is such a strong word I only wish I could think of something stronger right now. You wanna know the fun part, I still have to go and ship my boxes either today or tomorrow. OH happy day!

So, to make me feel better and a little less crazy, a few people should tell me about their worst postal experience. Go:


Day 11--- Damn it Linksys!!!!!!!! Wireless Heist...

You know what makes me feel like George Clooney in "Oceans 11" more than anything else??? If you guessed stealing other peoples Internet; you were correct! Raise your hand if you steal, or in "our" words borrow others wireless Internet access(no, one is looking its OK).

Confession: My first year living in NY I didn't pay a cable or Internet bill and it was amazing. Amazing until the jerks next door decided to move and steal my free access away with them. Assholes, I know. I remember the day they moved like it was yesterday. I ran home from work to immediately check my Myspace, (Facebook was not popular yet) and the 49-3RE network was gone! I almost had a nervous breakdown. There could have been comments or emails that I was missing out on. You know the feeling, it was awful. I felt used, no warning, nothing, they just up and moved and took Myspace with them.

For a while I thought that I may have been the only person who had found this loop-hole in the system. I quickly learned I was not, as I travel and visit friends in other cities or other apartments around the city, I have come to realize that I was not the only Internet hi-jacker out there. It really is the best way to save $39.16 a month, and stick it to Time Warner at the same time. So don't hate.

I'm not aware how easy or possible this is to do in middle America where things are more spread out (I try and live where things actually happen, jk). So, chances are you just think I'm a cheap bastard, and I am. But here in NY where you can have up to 25 networks to choose from, all for free. How do you say no? You don't.

However, there is a downside or two. First, those greedy people who decide to put a lock on theirs, is that really necessary, no one is trying to steal your identity. Didn't you guys learn sharing is caring?. Second, when their signal goes down at 2 in the am in the midst of you re intense ichat conversation, Id rather just be shot in the face. There are certain things that just cant be said via text. I mean come on, you re paying for the service anyways, you may as well just share. I have even thought about trying to finding the person with the strongest locked signal and offering them some money for their password. My creepy level has not reached that degree yet. Yet. You'd do it too.

So, in closing. Go delete your password so I don't have to keep going to Starbucks to download pics of Emma Watson. For my school project. Research paper thing, on... English actresses...



Day 10--- lol smiley face lol smiley face...


Are you kidding me? Is this what the English language come to? Shakespeare would be turning over in his grave if he could hear us now. (Letting Leo play Romeo is about the only thing he would be proud of). We have literally driven the language he used as a beautiful art into the ground. I would not be shocked if twenty years from now we reverted back to grunting at each other (I actually don't think we ever did, but for arguments sake...).

2day I'm talking bout ppl who use acronyms way 2 much.

Are we really in that big of a hurry? Is lol really that much shorter or faster than haha. Do I really need to say brb when I go to the bathroom, shaving seconds off of the longer version of that sentence. We are all guilty of it at some point. Especially if you are a text-er or an aim-er. That's where we catch the bug. We just don't have the time anymore to say foolish things like goodbye talk to you later. No way, that would take too damn long. TTYL is perfect. Sometimes we don't even want to use letters. I have carried on an entire text conversation with nothing but smiley faces and understood exactly what was being said. I mean really? Helen Keller communicated better than we do (granted she was a crafty one). Michael Jackson had more people skills than we do (too soon?). I'm sad for our future.

Popular example from pop culture:

There is a new song out by Trey Songz called (and i kid you not) "LOL- smiley face". Not to accuse rappers of having the best language skills on earth but I think if Tupac were around he would have them shot for that sort of rubbish. I'm not too shocked though, the dudes mom didn't even spell his name right. As if the recent song "phone sex" was not retarded enough Trey had to come show it up with his little gem. Sad thing is(and i didn't look) I would bet money they are 2 of the top downloads on itunes. Are we really so lazy and technologically advanced that a song about phone sex and a song where the chorus is not words is considered acceptable. I know the beat is sick, but still people lets have some standards. This song is so bad not even Weird Al can come up with anything shittier (sorry mom- necessary) . And I pick on them, but lord knows its not easy to pay for phonics when you are trying to turn all of your teeth gold, that's not cheap. Ive looked into it.

Abbreviations. Acronyms. Grunts. You make fun of it now, but its the path we are on. By the time my kids go to high school, we are not going to be worrying about what foreign language to take to get into a good college. We are going to be sending them to grunt and shorthand lessons, because there are not enough hours in the day to say full sentences like they did in the old days. Its totally like in "1984" OMG!

Idk if there is anything else to say. :) lol.

Here are a few of my favorites:

~OMG-Oh my Gosh if ur christian. Oh my gah if your'e a blonde, and oh my God for everyone else.
~ LOL- laugh out loud.
~ BRB- Be right back.
~ ROFL- rolling on the floor laughing.
~ TTYL- talk to you later.
~STFU- ( i like to think i made this one up) Shut the F Up.

OK. I'm annoyed with them already. comment me some of your favorites :)


Day 9--- thats what she said...

This blog does not even need to be lengthy, or really well explained, because we all know the people that I'm talking about. I do, I'm one of them. Today's blog is about the people who will say "that's what she said" at any opportunity.

We are so shamelessly in love with this saying that we will say it in two sentences back to back. I don't care. If it works it works. Ive said it to tables at work, Ive said it at church, or just on the street if I hear a nice assist. It is the ultimate one liner and I'm proud to be a user. It may feel like we sit and wait for the perfect situation or set-up , but I could be thinking about raisins and hear someone say "that's huge" and there I am with my extremely original "that's what she said joke. I cant help it, its addicting, and can almost make anyone laugh. I will continue to use it, and you know you will too. Its the perfect ice breaker, time filler, awkward silence starter, or finisher. It is the most well rounded annoying joke ever, but until the day I stop laughing at it. I will proudly say it. I know I'm not alone on this one, Ive met other people in the past few years who say it, well, not as much as me but close. I'm proud to call them my friends.

If you are unaware, it stems from the show "The Office"... Michael says it every so often when there is a perfect sexual set up. The awkward way that he says it is what makes it perfect. Anyways, I felt it needed to be said, maybe I'll come edit this and actually make it funny when I have had a few less mimosas.

PS. Thanks to those of you who continue to give us amazing set ups! Cheers to you guys. Keep on keepin on.


Day 8--- Hipsters in Heat...(Scarves in August, Really?)

I'm not going to claim to be any sort of fashion guru. I know a lot of you would probably disagree, however I assure you my flawless sense of style just comes naturally. I call it comfy couture, cheap and comfortable. Now like I said I didn't go to FIT, but I don't think that it takes a fashion student to realize that wearing a scarf when its 95 degrees with 98% humidity is moronic.

Now I fully understand, respect, and appreciate the whole hipster thing going on in "The City". Greenpoint Brooklyn is no exception, I was riding the "L train" home the yesterday, (soaking wet) and there were not 1 but 3 girls with scarves on my train. Typically there is something extremely hot and untouchable with hipster girls. But, at that moment they could have been wearing helmets with baseball gloves and it would have made more sense. There's a train full of dripping people that just waited in the sauna we call our subways and these 3 have the nerve to bounce on with freaking scarves...

I imagine they are the same people who come winter time will be running around in mini-skirts and halter tops. Which, well, I'm cant say anything bad about a mini-skirt but its the same non-sense idea. Really there is not much to say. Just don't be dumb in an attempt to be fashionable, or you'll end up in my blog.

PS. I do realize that in other countries, with sand, and other extreme weather that everyone wears scarves, and other things on their head... but Im pretty sure thats for eye protection, and religious reasons. So, use a different argument.


Day 7--- Diet Drinking Fatties

For those of you that know me you must know that it was only a matter of time before I picked on those lovely people who eat out in America. My first victim is a classic, and easily one of my favorites.

Diet drinking fatties is what I've chosen to call them. These are not people ordering salads, no dessert, and clearly being health conscious. These in-breds are the ones ordering a personal appetizer, a fried or buttery meal, insisting on extra gravy-ranch-or butter, eating every bite, complaining portion sizes are too big (in an illusion to look less beastly-doesn't work); drinking 15 diet Pepsi's (aspartame overdose), and then ordering dessert.

We've all heard that aspartame is worse for you than the sugar in sodas, I imagine we could run a few tests on these people to find out for sure. If there ever is a shortage of test subjects I guarantee you can stand by the elevator at BGSC. and find a few. They will be the people who have lost the will for stairs. Which is really an interesting concept in itself (may need to come back to this in the future). Don't you think maybe if you took the stairs it would burn off the extra cup of butter i brought you (Yes, I saw you take it as a shot).

Honesty moment: when I work, (when I had a job) I tend to drink diet soda (with lemon) because I know how much soda I can drink in a night of work. Also, I am one of those people who needs ranch for anything that is not cake or cereal. But!!! I can see my feet, I can walk up stairs, and I can tie my own shoes. Therefore, I never go out and order a diet soda and then eat like I'm Kirstie Alley. Because then I would be a complete hypocrite, and no one likes hypocrite's do they.

So I'm just saying, if you're going to eat like a pig, you may as well go all out. Have a regular soda to wash those calories down, I will actually have more respect for you. Every other server you'll ever have will too. This way when we talk about you in the side pantry we will only say, "hey look at fatty, and not hey look at that fatty eating 2 meals and a drinking diet". Once it reaches a certain point your on the road to John Candy-land anyways so why not just take that bull by the horns and live a little. No one will look at you any differently. You have my word.

Diet Dr. Pepper does taste more like regular Dr. Pepper with a hint of cancer causing material.

Sprite zero is Sprite, in a different can.

Diet Pepsi, is do-able, with lemon or lime.

Diet coke- still gross, but any vanilla product is heaven.

Fresca- deceiving. No calories. Lots of aspartame.

Orange soda (Fanta specifically).... JUST like Kel says!

Any soda i failed to mention, clearly not any of my concern.

For those who like facts:

Aspartame (or APM) (pronounced /ˈæspərteɪm/ or /əˈspɑrteɪm/) is the name for an artificial, non-saccharide sweetener. In the European Union, it is known under the E number (additive code) E951. Aspartame is the methyl ester of a phenylalanine/aspartic acid dipeptide. It has been thesubject of controversy since its initial approval in 1974. A 2007 safety evaluation found that the weight of existing scientific evidence indicates that aspartame is safe at current levels of consumption as a non-nutritive sweetener.[2]


Day 6--- Wet Willy---ers..

Yes... Just the nasty name gives you chills doesn't it... If you don't know what this is consider yourself lucky to have not been so badly violated. At the same time, how do you not know what this is? these ear rapists once swept the nation. (87'-95' was when they really saw their peak).

A wet willy is when person 1 (gross) sticks their finger into their mouth (usually the pointer), gets it all wet, and then proceeds to jam it in person 2's (unsuspecting) ear. Therefore, stripping all dignity away. (as seen to the right)

Giving wet willys is such a disgusting "lost art form" that even wikipedia fails to have an article on it (which is next to impossible). There is not much that wiki wont touch.
I assure you that these people are still lurking out there. Just the other day one of my friends threatened that if i didn't stop whatever it was that i was doing, (annoying no doubt) she was going to give me a wet willy! Now, I'm not going to tell you who this sicko is, but I can tell you that she is dating my brother... regardless, i stopped.

I did not want to be penetrated by that wet phalange, no sir, no way, no how... (it sounds extra gross when put it that way I realize)... but there is nothing healthy or sanitary about what these people are doing. Next time I plan to have not washed my ears thoroughly enough and pray they go for the double dip... In this case. I win. Typically I'm not so lucky though. Seasoned "wet-ers" will lather up just enough the first time to get you good. Then run back off snickering to their cave full of other sex-offenders before you have realized what has happened.
As soon as I'm done with this blog I'm calling congress to petition that "wet-willy-ing" be outlawed. I'm sure they don't allow this non-sense in Singapore, or in any country with manners for that matter. You could lose a hand for these shenanigans in 23 other countries. Is that a fact, no, but i feel it was a very good guess. In all seriousness though you guys need to stop, if i want you to put anything wet in my ear, believe me you will know. Chances are i don't, advanced warning.
I imagine that the culprits of this activity are the type of people that will let their dog lick them in the mouth, drink after anyone, or eat gum off of the subway floor; where do they draw the line?
I don't know for sure. I really don't. But, for the rest of us, keep your tongues and fingers to yourself.


Day 5--- Pack Rats....Guilty.

As I sit here today packing and unpacking and repacking and condensing for my move to LA. I think to myself? why the heck did i save this... as soon as i said that i knew what i was writing about today. Packrats. (actually thats a lie i was gonna write about vegetarians and felt i needed more time so i switched to this)... Anyways. Im a pack rat. SO, Im with you guys on this one. i save everything i lay my hands on, from ticket stubs to everything (movies, shows, sports, fairs, theme parks), to like tests from 2nd grade. Only the hundred percents though, they fill up a room on their own. Ive got cake toppings from birthdays, money from all over the world, ex girlfriends hair(ok that was a joke...or was it :) Its like im preparing for someone to write a biography about me and i want them to be able to have artifacts for a museum... I really want to know if any body else is with me on this. My parents always used to make fun of me, but since i was so good at organizing it I always got to keep it all... But here I am getting ready to move back across the country and Im looking at some of this stuff and wont throw away and Im wondering why i cant do it... Its like i have a fear of "1984" happening in real life and im gonna have no recollection of my past if i dont have it all in boxes. This one i think is fair but people still make fun of me. So I have about a thousand dvds or which take up like six boxes alone. And since Im moving this is kind of a pain in the butt. I know that if i threw away the boxes, which do me no good (except for alphabetizing), I could have like 3 big notebooks full that i could take everywhere i move much easier. and save me a ton in shipping costs. But I can not do it....

Is this a sickness? IS being a pack rat like a mental defect? Did I become this way because my parents took me to Chuck E Cheese's EVERY birthday until I was 16... I dont know. and its kinda freakin me out... I feel like one day when i get married (if anyone out there should be so lucky) We are gonna need a 3 bedroom house just so i can set up a shrine to myself.... OK that made it sound retarded... I just dont understand why i think i need a receipt for something i bought in 99' that i gave away in 03'...

The only thing i can think is that when i was younger i learned the value of old things, antiques, if i may... and so i always wanted to save my baseball cards or my toys so they would be like $40,000 GI:Joe... (and no that was not a plug for the movie i hear its awful)... Of course when my sister had the baby van i learned how much the old one went for i had to have hers. still do. kidding kidding. I guess I have to marry someone who either is one herself or doesnt mind devoting out basement to storage...

Is there anyone out there that can stage an intervention? or is it really more common than I think? Does anybody else miss having their birthday at Chuck E Cheese's?

Well, like the saying goes. Pack it pack it up pack it in...this is the end.


Day 4--- Elvis Impersonators........Imposters.

Do they really still exist? The Answer is unfortunately, Yes...Is this really the most lucrative career that these guys could shoot for? I guess when you're 55, fat, with jet-black hair, and an Elvis costume that fit 22 years ago. Clearly this is the next step in your mid-life crisis. What shocks me most, is that, if the rich, talented, once attractive "Elvis Presley" killed himself, what makes these people think its gonna be "Graceland" (lame-but necessary reference) for them...

What it is that makes them decide one day that they are sick of being an individual. (actual thought process)---->"...................Elvis" (someone who was not thinking) . Me personally I would pick someone who got a few more ladies/street cred., like Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Spencer Pratt, or Sean Astin (OK, all inside jokes) ... Think about these guys with me for a second, it really is quite a fascinating concept. I do realize that some of these people do it for fun/hobby. This blog is not directed at them. This is for the crazies who would never read this blog, because they really think they are Elvis living in the early 1970's. These are the guys who live to perform "Jailhouse Rock" on street corners from NY to LA,(higher concentration in Memphis and Vegas of course). These are the type of people that you would never let baby-sit your kids. The same guys who are trespassed from Wal-Mart because they've been caught one to many times trying on the ladies nighties and walking around the housewares section. (totally off topic, I'm just trying to prove how crazy they are). We have even had the honor of seeing a few of these kooks on the American-Idol auditions in recent years (this is clearly the originality that Simon and Randy are looking for) (i don't count Paula, no I'm not sexist, she's just an idiot).

Maybe I'm completely alone in my disapproval of Elvis impersonators, maybe I'm the asshole who just crushed your dreams, but its my blog. I see it this way; I have not given a crap about mall Santa since I realized he was not the real deal. I feel like impostor Elvis is the same thing without the presents, elves, and candy canes. On a lighter note though. I do realize the mall Santa's are necessary, I mean it would be ridiculous to think that "The actual Santa" could come down to all the malls in December when he is like at his busiest inspecting toys in the north pole. It all made a lot more sense when i realized that... But, fake Elvis= no redeeming qualities= still retarded.

I'm here today to ask when does this stop? We must put an end to this so we can make room for all the creepy Michael Jackson impersonators that you know are gonna flood are streets, schools, and day cares over the next 32 years. (<-how long its been since Elvis died) (I do my research)...If you would, please just sign my petition asking for it to be an illegal act for any man over 25 (give myself a year) to wear a white onesie, with a collar, that he has bedazzled himself. Its just not right.

I didn't know Elvis personally, but I did see enough of his crappy movies to know that he was a self respecting man. And I'm pretty sure he would be appalled at how out of hand these people have gotten, so, if you didn't do it for me...... Do it for "the King".

Thanks for reading, have a good night. see you tomorrow.

PS. yesterday i learned how to put pictures. today i learned how to tab. i cant wait to see what tomorrow has in store :)


Day 3--- As the World Turns...

So, I'm on day three now and feeling pretty good about it. Only about 19 more days of doing this and it should be considered a habit. A least I heard somewhere that after 3 weeks of doing something everyday you become addicted to it. So we will see how that goes. I seem to be enjoying it thus far, and I pray my 3 followers are as well. Nine more followers and I am going to call you guys disciples.
After yesterday's blog (which my mom says was "kinda harsh") I decided to make today a little more light-hearted. A little.
Girls who are addicted to soap operas... commonly referred to in the female world as "soaps" or "my show". As if females are not dramatic enough already they think they need to fill their heads with this garbage' (said with a french accent). I am amazed that these things are still on TV. Yet, at the same time I am not because I feel like all of you guys(meaning ladies) watch them.
They are like a mix between a keanu reeves movie, big fish, and telemundo(the Mexican channel), yet somehow you can watch day after day. I honestly would feel less queasy after watching "Schindler's List" at a Bar Mitzvah.
You know how "The Price is Right" was like the reason to stay home from school sick when you were younger. As soon as I saw that damn hour glass from "Days of Our Lives" I suddenly felt better and wanted to be taken to school. My sick day was ruined. I cant imagine how many young boys that were forced to watch this smut are now trying to change the marriage laws if you know what i mean...
You guys know every character on "your show" and you try and predict what they are going to do on each coming episode... I would not be surprised if there was some sort of online gambling ring for predictions... I think my mom may have a bookie... Its like "Passions" by day "Dancing with the Stars" at night, you guys just cant get away from great TV. Somehow you have the nerve to judge me for watching the "Real World" and "Rob and Big". At least these people don't die and come back to life 15 times throughout the course of the show, yes I'm talking about you Stefano (had to ask my mom for his name)(i promise). Now, I'm not saying that you guys are going to go crazy if you continuously fill your head with this stuff. I'm saying its too late you probably already are. You may be able to save the rest of your family if they have not been exposed too much. ha ha... OK really though.
The truth is. If we could ban "soaps" I truly believe that the drama factor amongst women in the U.S. would drop at least 35-47%... I've done research. Regardless.... this is a risk I'm willing to take. For my children, and my children's children, and my children's children, and so on.
"Like sands through the hourglass so are the days of our lives."


Day 2--- Are You Looking to Have Fun With HOT Singles in Your Area???

Now this takes a special breed of girl doesn't it?...(the term girl used loosely in this instance)...I'm intrigued, I cant help it, I'm truly interested where they find these winners.
I cant imagine any of these girls are self respecting actors trying to further a career in TV/film(is this something you want on your reel??)... i certainly hope not. These are some of the champs that couldn't get through the grueling "girls gone wild" audition process (which looks complicated). They've come straight from the set of "The Springer Show" to their TV debut on 1-800-sex-talk.
I can see the audition tents set up at all Wal-Marts, K-Marts, And trailer parks... Just so they are sure to miss no one with potential.
How do the girls prepare for the audition?...What does the audition process entail of?... I imagine that there is not too much reading involved...There really cant be much to it... can you hold a phone? Can you pretend to be sexy for the clients/losers at home?... OK, now take off your shirt...awesome (that was just a bonus), you've got the job!
Once they get the job, do you think they are ever like "shit, what am i doing?"...Of course not... do you think they run and call their parents?... or is it best to let daddy find out on his own the night he stays up a bit later than normal (infomercial hour, I call it)...
The worst/saddest thing is, I feel like in the world of acting these commercials are frowned upon more than the porn industry (at least they should be)... I mean. at least porn stars attempt to act...(not that I would know, but I have some older friends who've told me stories)...
On the bright side though, they can take the money they've made, quit working at IHOP and pay someone off to get their GED right?...
Really though the joke is on the guys who call in, isn't it... I mean. They have to know that they are not talking to Veronica, the "hot" blond from the commercial. They are working it out to some fatty house wife in Indiana named Gertude who reads romance novels by day and at&t's some 23 year old magic playing, Star Trek watching, boy scout; by night... So... OK, who is really the loser here???
Thank God im too Jewish to pay $4.99 a minute for anything.


Day 1--- Steward-asses...

I mean honestly. If you want to work at an airport is it a requirement to be an asshole? As mush as this may be a rhetorical question that im sending off into space i really am curious.
If you know me, (dont know who im talking to just yet) you know that i try and travel as much as i can. Sadly in the past 2 years i dont believe ive had a pleasant encounter with anyone employed by an airline. Not at check in, not at security, and sadly the courtesy desks are a joke.

Even the air hosts/hostesses these days are pricks. Just flying back from Chicago the other day i asked the dude if i could have a cran-apple and a sprite....i realize thats a tall order considering how busy he was not... but, im a growing boy i promise ill drink it all sir. (plus they are just really tasty when mixed-you should try it)... anyways the gentleman/dick looked at me like i was from baghdad. i thought he was going to call the air-marshals. Instead he just gave me a nice f-u look (as a waiter i have perfected this look) and did what i asked.

Because, hey thats his job. The great thing about flying is i know there is no way he could have put any bodily fluids into my bevvy because the cans are not open.

Ultimately i win... its just a battle im sick of fighting... I mean, i didnt ask these people to have a shitty job and life they chose this for themselves.

Of course this is not going to stop me from traveling, no sir. But im sure in time it will give me plenty of future material to write about.

So i guess that's stage one of my blog... i dont really know what im looking to do just yet, but that certainly felt a lot like venting. and it was great...


ps. the movie "the terminal" with tom hanks. not true. i looked it up.
Related Posts with Thumbnails