It's Halloween, so I decided I would write something themed in that direction. There are a million things Halloweenish that I could write about but I wanted to choose the most obscure thing that I could think of... After minimal deliberation I decided that I would write about the douches that give out everything other than good candy for Halloween....
If you have been trick or treating a day in your life you have definitely been on the losing end of this deal. Tricking and treating is supposed to be a joyous experience filled with lots and lots of tooth rotting cavity causing goodies. Unfortunately there are some people who think that they can change the course of Halloween by giving out their damn sugar free candy and apples. (fun fact: candied apples was the original "candy of choice" until rumors of hidden razors stopped that trend). A rumor no doubt started by candy companies themselves. These candy hippies are the people that end up getting egged and toilet papered at the end of the night due to bad candy giving etiquette...
You wouldn't give out Easter eggs on Christmas, you don't shoot off fireworks when you lose a tooth, and you don't open presents on New Years. So what the hell makes people think that it is kosher to hand out tooth brushes, and breath mints on Halloween. I get the correlation, and your concern for my teeth, but it is my parents job to monitor my sweetness intake, not the concern of my neighbor down the street. (Give me good candy or I'll poop in your yard). I don't care if you are a dentist, I'll eat a buttload of sugar and then remember to floss.
If you have ever lived in an ethnically diverse neighborhood then you have no doubt received an unacceptable portion of candy that you have never even seen before, candy that has names you can not even pronounce. All sorts of Asian or Mexican candies were popular in my neighborhood when I lived in Texas, cant imagine why.
I've also gotten an abundance of candy that looks like it was home made, the popular ones were those little toffee looking things in the clear plastic wrap. Yes, the ones that my parents would make me separate out and throw away as soon as I dumped out my pillowcase full of loot. Looking back this stuff was no doubt made by the neighborhood child molester, who else would rather make candy at home than run down to Wal-Mart where they are like a dollar a bag.
I decided to make a list for all of you who are not sure what types of candy are acceptable for children these days... Future child molesters, promise not to use this list to your advantage.
Snickers (chocolatey goodness, with nuts)
Kit-Kat (break me off a piece)
Twix (this is the perfect amount of heaven and angel-dust, not the drug)
M&M's (the only talking candy)
Baby Ruth (also looks like doo doo if let loose into a pool)
Nestle Crunch (I'm a fan of the crunch)
Milky Way (caramel and heaven)
Butterfinger (for those who need some fingers in their life)
Skittles (taste the rainbow)
Twizzlers (if you bite both ends you can drink through them)
Starburst ( also can be used to pull out teeth, or chip them if they are cold)
Swedish Fish (the only thing tasty the Swiss ever gave us, o wait no the cheese too)
Nerds (one of my favorites! especially if you get the box with 2 flavors)
Bottle Caps (flavored alka seltzer)
Bubblicious (the real way to blow a bubble)
Gobstoppers (this is the code name for tooth breakers)
Jolly Ranchers (even though they always cut my tongue)
Pixy Sticks (no quicker way to get sugar into your blood stream)
War Heads ( this will make you do the O face)
Blow Pops (most popular amongst molesters)
Runts (the best way to get your daily dose of fruit)
Smarties (you have to eat them all at once, its a rule)
Sprees (they are like smarties big brother)
Jelly Beans (guess the flavors)
Hot tamales (only hot if you are a puss)
Add any you can think of... Happy Halloween.