Hello, and welcome to week two of celebrity Sunday. Once again I use the word celebrity quite loosely which will be obvious when I reveal who I am writing about. This next "actor" is only about as famous as the dog in the Bush's Baked Beans commercial, however the dog has clearly taken more acting classes. With much hesitation, I present to you, Kenan Thompson.
Kenan started off his career fat, which in my opinion is the only thing he has ever done successfully. He did a stint on the popular Nickelodeon shows "All That" and "Kenan and Kel". "All That" was a sketch comedy show similar to "In Living Color" in which he played all the fat characters they needed him to. He somehow became known for his impression of Bill Cosby, which I think is about on par with my impression of Bill Cosby, and every other person out there who can spell J-E-L-L-O. The Kenan and Kel show was a sit com in which Kenan lacked so much comedy that he managed to make Kel look like Richard Pryor. He also gave shade and ate craft services in a few D- movies, Heavyweights and Fat Albert, do you see a trend??? They have not really allowed him in many movies lately, apparently the food cost started to become more expensive than the rest of the production.
Many of his reviews had top critics quoted saying "they would rather watch 2 hours of spanish soap operas than 10 minutes of him fumbling around on screen."
Before Patrick Swayze passed he whispered, "at least I wont have to watch Kenan contaminate SNL's skits any longer."
Excerpt from Michael Jackson's memoirs: "Kenan was the only Nickelodeon actor that I never wanted to come play at my house, I think the reasons are obvious."
Kenan's parents, "we are sorry, we truly did not realize what we had done when we took him to his first audition, we tried to put him up for adoption at nine, but no one wanted him."
Kel-" I never liked him, he used to beat me up and take my lunch every day on set."
The cast of All That- " Kenan who?"
The cast of Heavyweights- "We never liked him, he would lure us into a room and lock the door, and then run and eat all the food."
As you can see I am not the only one with ill feelings toward this monster.
In 2003 he became a cast member of Saturday Night Live, I think its pretty safe to say that they had no other options at the time. They must have a one black guy quota on that show as well, and since all the other ones went on to have actual careers they got stuck with him. Unfortunately now this means that every time they want to use a black character they have to pull his sorry ass out of the kitchen. The thing that annoys me the most, is that literally every single character he does, he uses the exact same voice for everyone he does, the ONLY thing they ever change is the wig, and occasionally the costume. You think I'm kidding, here are a few of the characters he does, "Youtube" him doing them, and you wont be able to tell the difference: Al Sharpton, Maya Angelou, Al Roker, Aretha Franklin, Barry Bonds, Charles Barkley, and of course the age old Bill Cosby... You will be disappointed and there is a 98% chance you wont laugh, so remember I am not endorsing him, I am proving a point. I'm still shocked he is not on MadTV, we all know that show is reserved for the less funny people.
He makes a room full of hospice patients feel like a 16th birthday party. 2008-09 statistics show that people would rather watch the commercials than sit through a skit with Kenan in it, I know this is true for me. When I really have to pee during the show, I just pray for Ol Kenan to show up.
Random Factoid: Youtube was kind enough to provide this information----> Any video with Kenan will have 90% less views than videos without him.
When all is said and done, I don't just hate Kenan, I loathe him, even the sight of him annoys me. Just knowing that he is out there has started giving me panic attacks, type 2 Diabetes, asthma, and somehow raised my cholesterol 30 points. The only, I repeat the ONLY thing that I like about him is that knowing he made it on SNL has pretty much guaranteed me a spot as a future cast member, and for that, I thank you Kenan. Go have a Goodburger on me.