Day 168--- The Magical Fruit...

I just want to start the post today by congratulating the New Orleans Saints on a very nice win this evening... (Three or four of them read my blog on a daily basis, including Drew Brees, so it would almost be rude of me to not give them a shout out...) Really though, that was a very impressive game and I would say after the offensive year they had this year they deserved to cap it off with a win... Plus Drew Brees is just sooo much cuter than Manning right ladies... Speaking of bad smells that reminds me about the post (like that segway?)... I felt that it was about time for another gross-ish post, so here it is... People who fart in enclosed places...

We all know the classic elevator scene where someone drops the bomb and leaves the rest of the people to suffer in their flatulent-ation, but these demons are certainly not limited to elevators. Get them anywhere that a window is closed and air is not flowing properly and they are more than likely to strike... After years of both controlled and uncontrolled research I believe that the most common reason for someone to do this is that they take pleasure in seeing others in pain... There can be no other reason that someone would wait until they are locked up in an non-ventilated area, most normal people shy away from blasting off in public for fear of embarrassment, but I believe these but menaces actually go out looking for opportunities to spread their dirty air seeds...

They will often be the ones at work who are chowing down on the can of beans for lunch, in the F. Arters Handbook this is known as the most common form of ammunition; in layman's terms, "the magical fruit". Now, I understand that farting is a normal human occurrence, unless you are a female, but this does not mean that you need to save up your chemical butt-fare for everyone else to choke on... There are proper, more mature ways and locations to dispense your ass clouds and all of those places include some sort of air circulation...

There are a few places that these poo-foggers like to frequent, I have compiled a short list of places that you may want to be aware of...

- Elevators, a given, this is actually where they train.

- In bed, these blanket bandits can be male or female, favorite move- "the dutch oven".

- In line at the Post Office, where the air is already stale with death and hatred from lack of circulation and customer service.

- Airplanes, buses, or cars, anywhere that you cannot open a window or a door. (More than likely it is the (driver, pilot, stewardess).

- Gym. These may be accidental, but they still smell like they have purpose.

- Any type of school class, or office building with poor air circulation... (very hard to execute an S.B.D. fart in school due to chairs with loud ricochet capability, but it can happen) (S.B.D. = silent but deadly).

The list could carry on I am sure, but all this talk about colon dusters is making me hungry so I am going to have to leave you guys with seven... If you can think of any other places that you have been an unsuspecting victim of some one's poo-tanani please add it to the comments to warn everyone else... In the meantime you might just want to carry around a mini bottle of Febreeze to lighten up the air when someone decides to crop dust your next elevator ride...

Day 167--- Stop Trying, It's Not Funny...

Finally my first week at work is done, you do not even realize how much I missed sleeping in this entire week, and to think I signed up to work the morning shift forever. We will just have to see how long that lasts, my love of sleep trumps most anything in my life, it is definitely in the top 7 things at this point. In fact, I love sleep so much I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant. But enough about birth control, I think it is time to introduce the next contestant on 365 days of people... People who think they are funny, but no one else does...

For my entire life, as far back as I can remember I have found it necessary to be the funniest person in a room at all times, (the center of attention) through all levels of school, even into college, and still even when I start a new job. It has called for numerous detentions, missed recesses, and write ups, but the joy on peoples faces when I make a good crack has been well worth it... Being hilarious and dashingly good-looking is obviously a gift from above, it is something I was born with. Sure I developed some timing skills and whatnot over the years but for the most part it was something that has just flowed out of me naturally since I first crowned... We all know people like this, the attention hoggers, the class clown, the one who never seems to be serious, sure we can get annoying but nothing compared to those who go through the same actions and are not funny...

If you think hard enough I am sure that a few of these people will come to mind... The ones whose timing on a joke is always off, the ones who are always too inappropriate at the wrong time, the ones who always bring up sore subjects, the ones who think it is funny to hit or pinch or pull hair way past middle school... The list literally goes on and on with all of the ways that they are not funny, see I don't mind if someone tries to tell a joke every now and then and they just don't hit it on the head. No, what annoys me is when they are constantly trying as hard as they can, but don't take the silent response from everyone around them as a hint... It bothers me even when their stupidity sets me up for a rebound joke. At first glance it may seem as though I pray on these people but in reality I try to get away to be less annoyed but I swear they must flock to me... I am not going to name names, but there were 3 people that I used to work with in New York that thought that they were the funniest guys on earth... I am not going to name names, but everyone would constantly say stuff to them about keeping there mouths shut but time and time again there they were trying to be make jokes, it honestly becomes painful to watch after a while... I think they are the ones who moved this from a stage 2 annoyance to a stage 5 pet peeve for me, I could take it in little spurts but when you have to deal with it on a constant basis it just becomes far too overwhelming... I really wish that I could give you a specific example but I think the memories were blocked out due to annoyance factor...

Statistically though I am sure that you all have someone in mind right now that fits this character to a T, if you just so happen to be one of these people, maybe you should change from a humor blog to something more in the cat-blogging field... As we all know you can never have a shortage of cat blogs out there...

In order to do my part in ridding the world of these humor-killers I am in the process of developing an item similar to a bark collar that we will somehow convince these people to wear... (This will be the hard part)... Once they have them on though, we the people will control what is funny and what is not... If we determine what they are saying is not funny we take the remote control that comes with it (up to 5 sold with each collar) and basically zap the shit out of them. No, this is not going to make them funny, but you better believe it will be funny...

Here is a list of people you may know that fall into this category...

1. Carson Daly

2. Carrot Top

3. Carlos Mencia

4. Pauly Shore

5. Howie Mandel

6. Andy Dick

7. Will Ferrell (since like 2003)

8. Eddie Murphy (since 89)

9. Artie Lang (since he was fat) (aka always)

10. Dane Cook (since he decided to act)

Day 166--- Royale With Cheese...

Onto the next one... not only a great way to start today's post, but also a great Jay-Z song... So I am into day four of my new job and I have finally stopped falling asleep during training, so that is a plus... I expect you guys to be very proud of me for that... Anyways, enough about the daily life of the creative genius behind the curtain here, let me just get down to the nitty gritty... If there is a group that I am the most polar opposite to I think today is going to highlight them (little nod to yesterdays post)... Picky Eaters...

If you knew me personally you would know that one of my first loves in life was food. From the moment I moved from the boob to solids there is not a thing that I would not try at least once, and to be quite honest you would have more of a problem getting me to stop eating than to try something... I am always the first to dig in, the one to take a dare, and the one to finish stuff that someone else couldn't or wouldn't finish... Come to think of it, it is probably picky people who are at fault for my fatness... Look at me, typical American blaming someone else for my problems... Really though, I have always been a strict believer that it is a sin to waste food when there are so many people on earth that die of starvation on a daily basis... I guess I sort of feel like it is my duty to eat what they cannot before letting someone else trash it... In a sick, human garbage disposal way I really believe I am doing the world a solid by eating things that no one else will...

I think the sickness started while I was growing up... My dad and little sister may be two of the pickiest people who you would ever meet in your entire life... I'm not even talking the kind of picky where they just wont try new things, I am talking like a strict diet of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Cheerios, and pretzels... Therefore my garbage disposing syndrome and I were usually left to vacuum up the table after they had pushed everything around to make it look like they had eaten...

It really is crazy to me though that there are so many super picky people littered across the globe when there are people who basically eat roots and bark just to survive... I understand if you don't like something you are not going to force yourself to eat it, but how did we get to a point where we could be this stuck up when it comes to food... After working in a restaurant for nearly 5 years in Times Square I was able to witness eating habits from people all over the world and I must admit that here in America we certainly take the cake on both extremes. On one side we have the people like me who can finish a decent plate without breathing, I have a motto, that I should probably drop if I don't want to die at 50... My motto is that is that if I eat more than half of a meal when I am out to eat then I may as well finish it because clearly the smaller portion I left would not be enough to feed me as left overs if that amount was not enough to get me full the first time... I don't know if that is a motto, or just an excuse to eat a lot of food, but it convinces me every time... Besides having some of the fattest fatties in the world we here in the U.S. are also home to some of the most picky bastards on planet earth... If you have seen When Harry Met Sally you no doubt remember how Sally orders her food with like 20 different modifications... Now, when you see that movie it appears that this is a clearly a joke, but I blog before you here today as a living witness to more than one real life version of this person... These picky douche bags may not be as common as the pigs but they certainly exist...

People who don't like cheese, people who cant have coleslaw even near their plate, people who want fries without any salt, people who want everything cooked in a separate pan from everyone else, and the list goes on and on... I would think that if you were this picky then you would just keep yourself locked at home where you would not have to come make everyone else miserable with your oddities, but this is not true... Most of these people love to tell others how picky they are especially if you are their waiter... I don't care how you have not eaten anything green since you were 5, it shows...

I think part of the reason this bothers me so much, besides the fact that I hate knowing how much we throw away when there are people starving in the world is that one of my favorite things to do in the world is to travel and try different cuisines from around the world. I think this is one of the best ways to quickly immerse yourself in another culture. But lucky me, I have managed to travel with people who wont try anything new, so we could be in the middle of Paris looking for a french bistro and they are trying to find the nearest McDonald's so they can get a Royale with Cheese... I cannot think of anything more uncultured than going to another country and searching out a McDonald's, that would be like going to Disney World and trying to look for a swing set or a slide... Makes me sick...

I could go on and on about how annoying these people are when it comes to food, but I am sure if you are not one then you know someone who is and you can already sympathize. So I shall leave it at that as I go finish up all of the food that everyone left from dinner.... Mmmmm...

Day 165--- High-Light-It-Up...

Well, just as I suspected yesterday was my last in the blogging competition held by Knucklehead, that is of course unless this is Florida... (Get the miscount reference?)... Honestly such a fun competition with such great competitors, I made it to the final 3 out of 10. Held in there for 5 hard weeks but was overtaken by Candice and Mike, so congrats to them, clearly they were good enough to beat me so you guys should all find them worthy to check out... With that being said, I am also a sore loser so I hope your Internet disconnects when you click their links... Kidding, kidding... Today I have chosen one of the most random people that I think I have gone with to date... It is going to be nearly impossible to write very much on this group so this is why I am trying to drag on this opening paragraph so at least it still looks like somewhat of a big boy post... I became very good at this skill when I had to start writing essays and papers in school that had to be a certain length long, quite impressive don't you think? You have now read nearly a full paragraph and have learned absolutely nothing of value, congrats... OK OK, the person I have selected today are the people who highlight everything...

Told you it was random, but this is truly something that has always confused me... In case you are not following due to overabundance of words and confusion, I am referring to the people who will literally take a page of notes or a page from a book and literally highlight the whole thing... I always thought that the purpose of the highlighter was to make certain important details of a text pop out for your memory, which is of course why I find it confusing when people will do an entire page... You may be thinking, Ryan there surely exist no people stupid enough to do this. I say to you nay, I sat behind a person in class today who literally highlighted EVERY SINGLE word that was on the notes for the class... That way when she looks it back over she will clearly be able to narrow down what was important... OR NOT...

Now, you are probably thinking Ryan why would you give 2 shits about this, and to that I respond. Well, there is no real good reason, I think I am just not a huge fan of wasting time, and I feel like people who do this are doing nothing but wasting it... I have seen people do the same thing in a book, the only benefit that this can possibly give is brighter words for the next person... Maybe I am being insensitive, maybe these people suffer from the very common disease highlottia, not to be confused with the common stoner... These people are often known to carry around as many as ten to twenty different highlighters brightening up every bit of text they see... When studying they will commonly highlight the full text book only to come back and underline important points, sure this is a waste of time, but when you are this much of a loser clearly you have time to waste... Maybe some of these people have OCD, but I guess the need to highlight everything is much better than the need to touch a door frame 9 times before you leave any room... God I am glad I am not crazy, I mean besides the whole blog and everything...

I think this is where I need to end today's post, working on 5 hours of sleep (which is like 1 for a normal person) so I am even boring myself at this point... Hopefully I can redeem myself by finding a good picture... Cheers.

Day 164--- Chatty Transit Kathy...

Wow, so this whole job thing is not all its cracked up to be... I don't know how I ever did it before... For those of you that are just joining me, I have been jobless for about 8 months now, partially by choice taking some time off to travel and what not, but I had been looking for about 2 of those 8... Anyways, I started yesterday, and I have never felt so sleep deprived in my whole life... I know working 9 to 3 is no big deal, but for someone who has made noon breakfast time for more than half a year believe me it is torture... Enough about me though, we have plenty of time for that in the future, how about we have a gander at the chatty bus riders of the world...

If you are someone who has always owned a car and never been forced to utilize public transit, this is one of the reasons you can consider yourself lucky.... Other than the fact you have obvious freedom, you can drive and sing full blast, and you don't have to carry home 8 bags of groceries, the chatter box bus rider is one more reason to consider yourself lucky... Today after I had my ever so long 6 hour work day I just so happened to sit next to one of these people...

I have to admit, part of me feels bad for this post because the world would be a much nicer place if everybody was a little more open and friendly in this way... But the truth is that it is not, and we are not, so that makes it weird when you have some perfect stranger trying to interview you for an entire ride... The lady today just so happened to be a jokester, I don't quite remember how the nearly one sided conversation started because I was half asleep. But I do remember the point that she asked which bus she should take to Wal-Mart, and I politely responded with the correct answer, to which she replied, "You would know... just kidding"... Yes, she backed herself up with the just kidding, but from someone who is a huge smart ass I know that is what you say when you mean something but just don't want the person you said it to to get pissed... Now I will have you know that I have been to Wal-Mart one time in the past 3 months, and that just so happened to be on Saturday when I wrote my Wal-Mart/Seuss post, but apparently to this lady I looked like a regular...

Often times you will find that these chatter boxes will talk even when no one is listening, now this could be a sign of anything from the early crazies or just sheer loneliness, whatever the case may be this is certainly the most entertaining of the group... I may have mentioned a few months ago when there was a guy on the bus who was laughing at Christmas lights, he was definitely more on the drugged/crazy side, but this didn't make him any less watch-able or interesting in my opinion... Every time someone new got on the bus he would kindly point out all of the lights that we were passing, I found this very convenient, it was like I was on a free tour. I may not have noticed these lights if it were not for his perceptive expertise...

When it is all said and done, as annoying as these people may be at times, to the less social of us out there. I have to admit that they are certainly a lot better than all of the douche bags that I have encountered over the years... Keep in mind I have spent the past 6 years car-less, from NYC, to Hawaii, back over to L.A, and even in the Midwest, I have seen my fair share of public transit oddities... Even though it may be a slightly less convenient way to tool around the earth at least I am doing my part to cure that gaping hole in the ozone... Who am I kidding, I don't really care about that, its just a hell of a lot cheaper than paying for gas and car insurance...

PS. This post also counts for people on subways, although I feel we are a little less chatty down there...