2.15.2011

Day 204--- "I'm Telling"



That's right, you are not mistaken, I am back for the second time in one week. I hope you are as impressed as I am. I hope that everyone had a pleasant Valentines day yesterday, I know that my roommate did... He and the cat both looked very happy when I got home from my date, I didn't ask any questions. I hope that you checked out the video at the bottom of the Packer post because it is really my only excuse to why I had taken off 8 months from writing these things. But now that the stand up is a little more underway I figure I can manage both, I mean I do only work about 23 hours a week. Hard knock life.

So lets get to todays victim. The Tattle Tale. I know what you are thinking, " hey Ryan, I haven't heard those words since I was in Middle School, are they even still around?"... Hell yes they are, they have just become a little better at their craft. When they were young, before they learned how to monitor their "tattle filter" their instinct was to just run up to whoever was in charge (parent or a teacher) and just blurt out what wrong was being committed... "Mom! mom! Ryan is taking a shit on the kitchen floor, Ryan ate all my Playdoh, Ryan is trying to light a firecracker in the dogs butt." (Only one of those was made up, I'll let your imagination run wild). Those kids that immediately ran and told rather than just letting us clowns do our thing were named tattle tales. Those who went above and beyond in order to get others in trouble. Flash forward 20 years, if these people were to still so outwardly tattling their would be a lot more blows thrown on a daily basis, so they have had to become more passive and more sneaky... Had they learned this 20 years earlier those prior "tattles" would have sounded more like this, " Gee, its so funny when Ryan goes poo in the kitchen, you should go check it out, I cant wait to get new Playdoh, silly Ryan ate all mine again," and lastly, "ha, I didn't know that a firecracker would stick in the dogs butt, and still be able to light, Ryan proves me wrong again". You see, with just slightly different wording they sound less like douche-bags and more like they are just sharing information, yet the purpose, the tattle, is still there in disguise...

Flash back forward 20 years, I don't know where that lands us, but imagine its 2011. You were supposed to finish some paperwork on Friday but your boss leaves early. You figure, ima head out early pre-finishing paperwork but beat my boss in on Monday and get the shit done then. Weekend starts early and no one gets hurt. But the jealous douche next to you (with the same job), who is a pansy with no life and who wants to finish all their work before they leave sees that you have taken off early without finishing... What do they do? They put in a nice little courtesy call to the boss at the end of the day just to inform them how the rest of the day went... For some reason during this call they decide that they need to say "oh, and before I head out tonight I'll go ahead and do those "papers" for Ryan, I saw he had left some things un-finished before he dipped out today, no big deal I just want to make sure everything is done before the weekend"... And there you have it ladies and gentleman and ladymen and gentle ladies "The Adult Tattle Tale"... Sounding more familiar. Listen I work at a restaurant and we have them, people love telling on me for not doing all of my sidework, silverware rolling especially... Instead of saying, "Ryan didn't roll enough silverware" they say, "Hmm, Ryan sure got done fast, usually takes everyone else much longer". Yeah, thats just because you guys are retarded. That's OK, it happens.

There are a few other names for people who "tattle" as adults. Such as, snitches, witnesses, or informants. You know what happens to most of these people? That's right, they get killed, dead, just sayin. Tattling is some serious business, so if you are or have a kid who has been known to tell on others, you may want to think about the consequences. Done.

27 comments:

kaloo said...

I was with you until you you put "Witnesses" on the list.

chhipa said...

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts.

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It’s so refreshing to find articles like the ones you post on your site. Very informative reading. I will keep you bookmarked. Thanks!

RichTeaBiscuit said...

I know the pain. I work with one. He's sitting behind me.

Always discreetly letting my boss know, as he's raising a technical docket, even though he doesn't need to.

One of these days I'm gonna rip his dick off.

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Anonymous said...

So I am guessing the blogging has taken a lull again?

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Wonderful! Awesome!

Jennifer Vasconcelos said...

LMAO. I used to work in a rstaurant as well and when some would get uppity I'd jokingy tell them they could relax this isn't the Taj Mahal.

Someone I used to work with used to say " snitches get stiches" which would make us all giggle.

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Great post.. I think you've hit the nail on the head with this one!!

little said...

i am currently on suspension from work because of a tattle tale with an overactive imagination. not happy about it at all.

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Anonymous said...

I just discovered your blog. It is apparent that you haven't been posting for a while, but I'm not too concerned with that. From my experience of finding new blogs that sound interesting, (which is why I clicked on yours) I decided to start at the first posts instead of the later, more recent posts as I have done with other blogs.
All I have to say is that I am appalled that you put so much criticism on other people. This is normal and something everyone does. However, maybe you should not. I am especially thinking of an early post of yours where you make fun of people for their grammar, especially the "lol" and "rofl" etc. The only reason this shocked me so much to see (other than that it could have been a very funny post, but definitely wasn't) is that every single post of yours (that I actually read. I got bored after the first few, and have not read any current ones. Maybe you improved??) I have had to re-read many parts due to your own HUGE grammatical errors. Types of errors that we learned to fix in junior high (please take special note to closing parenthesis, using apostrophes, and correct use of you, your, you're, there, their, and they're).
I am definitely not one to be perfect on grammar In fact, there are probably a few errors in this comment. But if you are going to put yourself out there in a blog that criticizes other people so much, make sure you at least spell check...

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Saad Ali said...


Another great article. I like that you are very honest and direct to the point.

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