5.28.2010

Day 202--- Futonomics Anonymous...


This post has been inspired by a personal life situation. I am currently moving from one apartment to the next. When thinking about this annoying task I said to myself (in my head) "it would just be easier to sell this (nice) queen size bed and buy some small futon to move into the next place"... I realized at that point that I had lowered my standards so far that I was actually willing to sacrifice long term comfort for short term convenience... I am not yet sure if I have become that lazy or if I was just not thinking, but regardless I was inspired to do a blog about anyone over 25 (or out of college) still sleeping on a futon.

Years ago, when I first discovered the 8th wonder of the man made world "the futon", I'll have to admit that I was impressed... Couch by day and bed by night, what could be better, you didn't have to remove cushions like those pesky couch beds, you didn't have to pull it out of the wall like a Murphy bed. All you had to do was literally just push the back down, and presto, you have a bed.... But the older I get the more I realize that the good ol futon is more like the mullet of the home furnishing department. Sure it gives you both the business and the party option but it does it in such a white trash way... For instance, most people know that you have sex on your bed, but most people would imagine that there is less of a chance that you have done it bare assed on your couch... But the futon completely ruins any doubt that we would have in our minds, seeing as how the futon is the only real option...

So that is why in my opinion futons must be limited to anyone in college, or anyone up to the age of 25... Outside of this category I will assume that you are either still living at home, meaning the home you grew up in, and probably having your mom still make your lunch before she drives you to work. Or maybe you are a hippie, who has promised never to conform to the proper couch loving conformists of the world. Possibly you could be one of the guys who still lives the high school life, front row every football game of the season, (including away games), still attends and buys beer for all High school parties. That guy is allowed to have a futon. Or any single male (bachelor) over the age of 35, by this point if you are not rich, or at least well on your way you are probably going to end up living a very lonely life, so I'd say why not go for convenience on this one, probably not going to be sharing the bed anyways. Unless you look like Harrison Ford. Anyone who has a blog, or any other sort of web fascination whether it be World of Warcraft or website building, go ahead and have a futon as well, don't wanna have too much open space in the bed. Of course you could always just be in a band, or even just owning an instrument and knowing a few chords would allow you enough positive cool points to own a futon, we all know how cool people in bands are...

There is a slim possibility that I forgot one or two people from this list, but for the most part if you do not fall into any of these categories you should probably get rid of that futon and get a big boy bed... I have a feeling that most girls would find it more attractive if you slept in a big boy version of a race car bed like Missy Elliot than they would if they came over and found out that they were going to get poked on a futon. At least the car bed shows that you have a sense of humor... To those who have futons... Sleep well.

5.12.2010

Day 201--- Onto the Next One...


Day 201, oh boy this is going to be exciting, but really aren't all these posts pretty much the most exciting thing that people see daily? Just nod your head in agreement, you never know if I am standing outside your window or not, blogger tracks everyones home address for me.... Anyways on to the post. Ive got a lot of potential posts running around in my head but today I think I am going to blast the serial daters.

I'd say if you are under the age of 30 and have at least ten friends (not on the Internet), then more than likely at least one of the ten is a serial dater... Serial dating to me does not necessarily mean that they are going on dates with different people every night of the week, sure they count. But I am also talking about those who will go straight from one month with one person, get their heart broken, say they need time off, and then two days later being out with someone else, turning that into the next heartbreak.

Being the mama's boy that I am most of my life I have had the blessing/curse of having pretty much all female friends. While this position has its perks, ie. if I need advice on how to match an outfit or the best new chick flick to take my girlfriend to, it also comes with the strict un-negotiable title of "Resident relationship advice man from a males perspective"... While I have played my part well for the past 10-15 years I cant say that I always enjoy it, not because I don't love giving male insight and sneakily cock-blocking some dude Ive never met, no that's not the reason at all. Mainly its because half of the time my friends will come to me begging for advice and not taking it.

More often than any other problem I find that they are these serial daters. General situation, they meet someone out at a bar, he seems nice, he talks about his mom, and how much he loves puppies. He has a job, health insurance, and no tattoos on his face, so the girls instantly think he is the one for them. They don't give it up the first night, and are so pleased that he wants to go on a second date, things are still nice, he is not abusive yet, still likes puppies, and the skull tattoo on his back is only visible with his shirt off, that's fine her parents will never see it.... After a few dates, she feels something (horny), so they have sex, he acts weird after, makes an excuse to leave, doesn't text for a couple days. He makes an excuse four days later, and sets up another date, says something nice that gets her even more hooked, now she thinks this could be the one. This goes on for about a month in one form or another and by this point she is in love, he is getting bored, he starts to act different, which is really just him showing how he really is after he has gotten what he wanted. That drags on for another month or so and while she is holding tight he is trying to sneak out the window in the middle of the night. Finally things end, she comes to me, explains the situation, talks about how she just needs to be single for a while and figure herself out. Three days later, I met this really great guy out at the bar the other night--- the circle of single life, the circle of a serial dater.

As I am writing this I'm realizing that its having a slightly more serious/bitchy tone than a lot of my other posts, but I guess its just because this is a subject matter I have been dealing with silently for years. This goes for guys and girls alike, but if you don't want to have your heart broken 10 times a year, don't give it to 10 people a year. If you say that you'd like some time to yourself, then give yourself some time it really comes down to making that decision. The funny thing is that I know that the few friends I have that are in the deepest into this so called dating world are never going to read this, probably because they are too busy dating.

The biggest key words that a girl or guy can look for in a potential serial dater is, "I'm not sure what I want right now." That is code for, I'm down to put the p in the v and maybe even see a movie or three but don't expect me to put a ring on that fing-er, and once I realize you're a clinger I'll be gone quicker than a Brendan Fraser movie from the theaters. Not to ruin people's perfect vision of the dating world, but real life is probably more like Sex and the City than it is like Serendipity, not that I know what Sex and the City is like. I'd also like to point out that where you meet these potential prospects can tell you a lot about what the future may hold... Basically don't go to a synagogue if you wouldn't want to marry a Jew, even though they do have more money and power than your family will ever have. And my last bit of advice, don't date George Clooney if you ever want to get married.

Anyways, I'm going to step off of my soapbox and leave the preaching to people like Kanye West and Al Sharpton. I'll make sure the next post has more laugh potential.



5.08.2010

Day 200--- En-GAUGing...



So day 200, I finally made it to you, you look better than I would have expected. You would think that I was gonna do something special to celebrate making it this far, especially after the past few months, but I'm not. Because as I see it, each day is just as special as the day before. With that being said its time to make fun of someone new... How about those people out there with excessively gauged ears... Yes, that'll work.

So if the picture that I included isn't enough to describe this atrocity or if you are one of the many blind people who subscribe to my blog in braille allow me to elaborate. Gauging is the act of taking a normal/standard sized piercing and spreading it out to the point that someone could toss a dart through the hole. Hopefully though, if you allow someone to try this they will miss on purpose and hit you somewhere towards the middle of the face-eyeball area. For no other reason than because you deserve it... I do not know why these people feel the need to try and look like they are part of some sort of Amazonian or African tribe. And lets be honest, the look isn't even cool on them, give Tim Gunn 5 minutes with the Wachootoo Tribe and he'd have them regretting that they ever decided to expand those ear lobes.

Now, I have never been close enough, nor will I ever be close enough one of these people to find out for sure. But I imagine, in my not so vivid imagination that these ear holes must smell like something that Amy Winehouse would cough up after a night of not being in rehab. I mean, its essentially a hole with stretching dying flesh, and no I'm not talking about Winehouse anymore I'm talking about the ears... You know what, maybe they don't smell at all, but chances are that anyone willing to do this to themselves probably has something wrong with them that would make them smell in the first place...

OK, gauging your ears may not be as bad as a tattoo on the face, (Mike Tyson-just in case you're still keeping up on my blog I cant believe you did that to your face) but it is easily in the same realm of idiotic decisions... I firmly believe that gauging is a gateway decision to other bad body decisions, first the ears, then you are going to want to put a small plate in your lip, then cut your tongue in half like a snake, its just an endless spiral of bad decisions. Yeah, it may be your body, but unlike an abortion the rest of us have to deal with the consequences of your bad choices along with you.

I feel like a lot of the people who do this to themselves are just upset with the way they look, and already have poor self image because of the way they look. While I understand this, because I have seen how ugly the majority of you are, let me warn you that putting multiple pieces of metal through your face is not going to properly divert attention from the ugly-ness... It actually has an odd way of accentuating it, which believe me, nobody wins when this happens. The only good thing that can come from gauging your ears and sticking an overload of metal in your head is that now you will more than likely get struck with lightning before I do, if we are standing anywhere close to each other. Which, would be a mystery in itself. Anyways that's my time.


5.06.2010

Day 199--- SPEAKER-Phone...


I'd like to think of another good excuse to why I've been so lazy on the blog-front but its really just been due to a lack of time, oh, and that little vacation back to New York didn't help either... Although Ive been away from the computer Ive been jotting down some ideas for the next 200 some odd days, so lets get this show back on the road... Today I'm going with the D-bags who talk way louder than necessary on their cell phones...

We all know these people... For me they usually turn up behind me on the bus or behind me in line at the grocery store. One of the few places I cant just run away from the annoyance... I tell myself that they just have a problem controlling the volume of their voices, but in reality I think that they just want other people to hear what is going on in their life... Similar to bloggers... These people probably know that the person on the other end of the phone is not paying any attention to their babbling on so they try and create an audience from the people around them... Sure sometimes it works, there are certain key words that they could throw in that would interest me. Sex, kill, blood, albino, tiger, you know, stuff like that would interest anyone... But I assure you we are not into just any run of the mill phone conversation... No, I don't want to hear what you want for dinner, well, unless you are going to hunt down, have sex with and kill an albino tiger, otherwise please use your inside voice... Better yet, use your telephone voice, that's at least a decibel or two quieter I'm sure, I promise you that the speaker on the other side will deliver all the information that you are trying to get across...

One other conversation that is always acceptable to have loudly is a break up... I mean, traditionally I think these should be handled via letter, email, or text, but if you must break up over the phone please do it so that I can hear... It would be even better if you could put the other person on speaker phone so that I can hear both sides of it, but if you don't have speaker phone, first of all its 2010, upgrade, second do that thing where you repeat what they said in disbelief... For instance they say, "I cant do this anymore, I've been seeing your brother." Now, that's important stuff that I want to hear, so what you do is say something along the lines of... "I cant believe you just said that you have been seeing my brother."... SO then I am right there with you like you want me to be...

If you really don't think you can handle the volume control there is always this new technology called texting... Sure, the people on the bus with you wont know everything that is going on in your life, but hey, then you can just start a blog...

For those of you who are still visiting me even after my shotty past couple of months, I love you, and I hope you still keep coming back and letting my words impregnate your eyes. Cheers.

4.19.2010

Day 198--- Whats Your Fanta-ta-tasy....?


Haha, Sco, I know that we don't really know each other, but just based off of what I do know about you I have to say that I am not shocked to find out that you use handkerchiefs... Its not even that I assume you would be gross like the people I described, but I feel like you'd be exactly like the kid I'm friends with from high school who uses them... Clearly its an OK thing if you two use them... (Think anyone else read through this whole thing?)...

Main Entry: fantasy sport
Part of Speech: n
Definition: any sports competition with imaginary teams which the participants own, manage, and coach and with the games based on statistics generated by actual players or teams of a professional sport; cf. {rotisserie league}
Usage: sport

So today I've decided to do a post about people who play fantasy sports... While I am obviously going to make fun of them like I do the rest of the people I write about, I have to admit up front that I have dabbled in this world... But there are stages...

Like I said, Ive dabbled in this world, but my inspiration comes from a few friends I have who play like they were in the big leagues, minus the performance enhancing drugs... While this can be a fun little way to have some legal bets amongst friends and have an excuse for older men to go play at their friends houses and come home smelling like cigars... I think fantasy sports were created primarily for people who've realized it was about as close as they were ever going to get to that sport again... Well for them, and your typical sports fanatic with a gambling problem... For the rest of us giving up on our sports fantasies there is the office softball team and if you've become too immobile for that, I hear there are some pretty realistic Wii games out there...

Honestly I never would have realized how deep and dark the world of fantasy sports is had I not made friends with a kingpin of its underworld... My buddy Steve actually spent hard earned money on a fantasy baseball stat book that he studied for weeks prior to this seasons draft, I'm sure there are scouts out there that put in less time than he did... It was intriguing to watch study and basically copy down this entire book so that he could make the best possible team... And this was before the season had even started... Now he is finagling trades and watching games day in and day out... I imagine when you've slipped into this world ESPN supplies the only news you need, you pray to your team, and you carry around balls... You focus more attention on this than you ever did any test, or class in all your years at school and all for a small pot and bragging rights until next season...

On a level of James Dean to complete dork I'd give fantasy sports a solid 6.6... Its far enough away from video games, Anime, comic books, Star Trek, or wrestling that I cant give put it in the 8-10 range that they fall in. Plus it deals with actual sports so just because I'm a boy I have to allow it some cool points for that alone... Well, I'd love to stay and chat but there's this new anime comic book about Star Trek that I just got in the mail and I've been dying to read it... Later...

I went with pictures that show what my fantasy sports would look like...

4.18.2010

Day 197--- Pass the Tissue's...


Today I have selected a group of people that I thought would have died out with the disappearance of the VHS tape at the very latest... I was mistaken, although there are not millions of them out there, a few still lurk the streets... If you guessed people who use handkerchiefs, you would not be mistaken...

Truly this is an nasal evacuation art-form that has the sanitation police everywhere up in arms. Nothing seems less appealing to me than carrying around something that I have blown my nose in, only to open it up again later and put my nose back where it doesn't belong... OK, for a brief moment I can understand the necessity back in the day prior to tissues and proper toilet paper, but that excuse is out the window... and so is my brief moment of understanding. I would honestly rather see someone straight up picking their nose, or wiping the snot on their sleeve than to know they are recycling snot rags... I know from first hand tissue experience that you have to be a very crafty individual to even get in 2 decent blows on a normal tissue. So how much unused area do you really have each time you go back to the hanky? Not much is the answer to that question...

The fact that people wash them after using grosses me out even more, granted, that is the point of the whole recycle-ability behind them. But just to think people are still tossing snot-caked napkins into the wash with the rest of their clothes is enough to make me dry heave. And I'm a pretty gross dude myself, plenty of people could attest to that I'm sure... But I don't think I could ever sink this low. I mean, what happens when they have a really ummm big one, how can they be OK putting that back into their pocket?... and what happens if it gets squished around in there? Ah, ew, imagine...

You may think that these things are only still used by old people, but nay. One of my very good friends from high school carried one around with him every day, and probably still does, he had a whole damn collection of these things, even a few with his initials on them... Yeah, he was hardcore. Having been friends with someone who frequented the pocket snot rocket socket, I know all too well that no amount of ridicule is going to slow these boogers down... We need to find another way to get people to stop using these things... Normal business thinking would tell us to just raise prices on them, but I imagine if they were really dedicated users they would form a black market, or start cutting up t-shirts and blankets. Maybe we could start issuing tickets, or citizens arrests, any ideas?... Cus' I'm out...

4.11.2010

Day 196--- "Oh, That Looks Great On You..."


I fully appreciate all those of you who made it past the picture to read the last post... As shocking as it may seem there was not a whole lot of sweat-panted fatty's to choose from on the Internet. Sure I could have gone to any Denny's or Wal-Mart and taken at least 30 pictures of my own, but I was strapped for time... Today I have decided to post about a group of people that constantly, indirectly ruin my nights out... I speak of the girls who tell their friends that they look good in things that they don't...

You may not find that this is a huge problem, but on the contrary it is usually precisely that. As a general rule, most people start out their lives as semi-self conscious beings. Most girls will start out naturally covering things that should be covered, and typically don't start to hang loose until they get some coaching from their friends and peers... Questions such as "do I look OK in this?" or "does this make me look fat?" will no doubt be asked along the way... If answered honestly many of the ungodly clothing decisions could be thwarted Freshman year. However, most girls will lie to their friends, either to save feelings or out of pure convenience... Therefore these girls, who should not be wearing certain things get it into their minds that they still look good in skin tight, low cut, or high cut clothes even while pushing 250 Lbs... Ladies and gentlemen, this is a tragedy. I compare them to the people on the first few stages of American Idol who everyone makes fun of, no one wants to tell their friends or family that they suck at singing so they lie to them their whole lives, only to see them humiliated on national TV... This is what happens weekly at bars all across the world, people taking a nose-dive into social suicide with some of the outfits that they choose, all because no one wanted to be honest and say "you look like a cow, cover up a bit more," or "I'm lactose intolerant, lets cover up that cottage cheese". Honesty should be the number one policy...

I'm sure some of you are probably saying that guys are just as at fault as females. This is incorrect. Anyone who has ever met a female knows that guys are never allowed to be honest with them when it comes to clothing choices, we are given a very strict list of things we are allowed to say, and they are all positive... They frankly don't even really want our opinion, they just want us to say what they want to hear, which is obviously always going to be good... "No that does not make your butt look big, yes it makes your boobs look huge, no I cant tell that you have not shaved your legs for a week," and so on... I'm sure if you look in the rule to life there will be something very clearly outlining the males responsibility to a females/ girlfriends outfit somewhere in chapter one... Unless of course the guy friend is gay, then he is held to the same rules as any female friend, that's what he wants anyways.

Since this has been going on for years it is not going to be an easy thing to reverse, but I say that no time is better than the present to try... Preferably sometime before summer comes around and there are a plethora of mid-drifts that should be covered and are not, legs that should still be in long pants, and boobs that should be better supported... Just sayin...

4.06.2010

Day 195--- Thanks for the Visual...


As I sit here in front of my computer I am actually shocked that I have made it to day 195 before this group made it into a post... I started my Improv class tonight, and amongst all the characters in the class there was one guy who was just begging to be written about. I could probably choose at least 5 characteristics that he possessed to write on, but for the sake of time I have narrowed it down to one... Men/overweight men, who wear sweatpants in public...
I've spent years in denial that people like this actually exist, tonight I found out just how real they are. As males we learn by about 12 or 13 that sweatpants are generally not for use outside the home. For a number of reasons mainly centering around the general package area, and the surprises that it can cause. This list covers everything from surprise drip-age to accidental excitement, all reasons that made it clear to me as a young man that I should probably reserve the ol sweatpants for home, and maybe the occasional Nascar event. At no age would I ever decide that these general rules stopped applying to me, but it is quite clear that Harry from Improv adheres to his own set of rules...

Sure this is something that I have seen a time or two before, but usually comes on a rare trip to Wal-Mart or while handing out bread at a homeless shelter. Never did I think that I would be graced with such up close and personal uninterrupted time with someone who finds these things to be legal. First of all, why are they always grey? Every time my presence has been graced with s.p. the wearer always seems to have also selected the color that will show every stain, drip, or indention that most other colors could attempt to camouflage. They also always seem to choose a size about 2 sizes too small, Harry's were so painted on that by the end of class everyone could have drawn up a topographical map of his "situation" from memory... And I don't even draw well... Not to mention the Mariana's trench of a wedgie that these things raped upon his backside, leaving nothing to the imagination...

What is it that has to happen in your life that makes you comfortable in public wearing sweatpants? I mean besides the obvious "comfort factor"... When is the point where you are just like, "F it! I'm busting out the sweatpants today and I don't care who sees me". Something tragic would have to happen to me before I reached the point where I cared this little about my appearance, I would sooner cut the nipples out of my shirt and go out than I would prance around town in some sweatpants. This is like mid-life crisis attire, or just plain crisis attire. This is still living in my mothers basement attire, 40 year old virgin attire, public master-bater attire. These pants are not politically correct, they are To Catch a Predator, threat level orange, but definitely not p.c.. But, when its all said and done I guess diversity is what makes us great right? The only thing I am worried about is that if that's what he wore on week one, what do I have to look forward to...

PS. I was shocked at the sheer lack of photo-graphical documentation that Google had to offer me on this subject, but apparently they were very interested in any picture that they could get of Britney Spears in sweats.

4.04.2010

Day 194--- Like A Thief in the Night...


Today a friend posted something on Facebook that reminded me about a group of people that has driven me insane my entire life... With the thoughts of those memories fresh on my mind I decided that writing a post on the subject was only natural, so here we are. I call them; food snatchers...

Straight to the point, these are the people without manners or dignity that will basically walk up and help themselves to a bit of your food, without even asking... Now, I am not talking about a total stranger and I am assuming this does not happen much outside the food industry and high school, but ever since I was 14 these people have driven me nuts... I remember in middle school, my first had a few encounters with these lawless people... (If you cant tell by now I am very protective of my food). These people have worked out some sort of system that when they are in an environment with enough people eating that they can buy absolutely nothing and go home full... In middle school and high school they went around and picked off stray french fries and chicken nuggets. They worked each persons plate just well enough that anyone would look like a selfish fat bastard if they told them to bug off, and since they lack any form of shame they could just scour the table like a buzzard and eat to their hearts desire... Like I said before I am protective of my food, which basically means that there were no spares, no left overs, no extras for some cheap ass buzzard to come pick off. No, I wanted all six of my nuggets thank you very much... Yet day in and day out they would syphon away 1 tenth of my meal... It was amazing how even they were the ones who would just grab onto other peoples plates that they could make me feel like the cheap bastard if I gave them a look or made a smart comment about them needing to buy their own shit...

After middle school and high school, I thought that these people had pretty much become tame and throughout the years managed to blend into society... Not true, and I found this out the hard way whilst working in the food industry... Ordering and eating on the go is kind of the way you take breaks when you work in a restaurant, at least all of the ones that I have worked in pretty much run this way. So in the break area there is almost always a dish of something that someone is coming back to try and eat when they are not busy... This is the perfect opportunity for the "food snatchers" to usher themselves back into society... And oh boy did one girl in particular make a name for herself at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. Times Sq... Sure, names are irrelevant, but Brandi was the most ruthless french fry and shrimp assassin known to man, so she deserves her name in Blog-istory... If you left your food unattended on a shift with her, it would be no shock to come back to your plate with half the food missing. I honestly tried to avoid buying any finger food when she was there, I liked to think that deterred her every now and then. And when I talk about lack of shame I mean, zero, if she wanted some of your fries and you had not used any ketchup, she would just squirt it out right there on your plate and murder your shit. If you walked back and she was eating your stuff she would just look at you like - thats right bitch, say something... I hated it, everyone hated it, but in order to be the bigger people none of us ever said anything... I worked there for 4 years, and we had a staff of around 100 servers at a time, and as long as she had seen you more than once, your meal was fair game... We all made these secret little jokes like it would be politically incorrect to actually say something, it would be like we were automatically calling her a fat retarded Jew if we just said "hey will you hop off my food for a while, cheers"... Its this ass backward thinking that has made this world a bunch of wieners, me included... Its like I cant say anything to the homeless man pissing on my stoop because he is homeless and he cant help it, but I also cant piss on the bench that he sleeps on or I'm the asshole... Doesn't make any sense I tell you... Well Id better wrap up before I take this post off the political deep end... And make less sense than I did to begin with...

Moral of the story is to just buy your own damn food. If I would have wanted to share, I promise you I would have offered... But as long as my fat ass is paying for the food you can bet that I will be licking the plate clean... For those of you who have never had this happen, you either have always surrounded yourself with people who have eating disorders, or people who have manners... I have not been so fortunate...


4.02.2010

Day 193--- Assistant To the Regional Manager...


This is going to be the first time I have posted two days in a row in far too long... When I think back I cant believe that I posted these things everyday for like 125 days straight... Gotta get back in the groove... If you have ever worked a day in your life you have no doubt encountered today's bags of douche... They have been given so very many names over the years but today I shall start by referring to them as the power trippers....

A majority of the time these people will come in the form of a manager of some sort, whether they be higher or lower on the totem pole is really irrelevant to the stimulation that even the slightest taste of power will give these people... If you have ever worked in retail, the food industry, or any other business with a pyramid scheme of bosses you know exactly what I am talking about... For these half-breeds it does not even matter if they are just filling in as a supervisor for a day, their true colors are sure to come out at some point... I have not run any studies, but it is my strong belief that these people were the ones who grew up with no friends... And if there were people that pretended to like them, then they most certainly were not given any power in the friendship, no choosing what to play, what to watch, what to eat... They basically had the follow the other kids around just to be accepted into a group... They lived this way up through high school, always following never having the chance to lead, not even being selected to pick first in Heads-Up Seven-Up... They float out into the workplace with the same set of skills, accept for once you are working where they want you to follow, it actually starts getting them noticed... Before you know it they are asked (because of their attention to following rules and all that stuff that cool people don't do) if they would like a spot on the management team, basically to help enforce the rules from another angle. Without hesitation they accept, spawning one of the most evil beings known to man...

Instantly they squeeze every once of power that they can out of their new position... No doubt making up a set of nonsense bullshit rules along the way... There is a good chance that these people will also be huge advocates of busy-work, something I have never been a fan of... You could be completely done with all necessary work and standing a round for a breath, when they will come say something snarky like "we are not paying you to stand around, why don't you find something to do?"... To which I would like to reply, "Blow me" but I have learned the hard way they may be allowed to fire you. In case you are still confused, the most famous power tripper that comes to mind is Dwight from The Office... If you know the show you know the bit about him being assistant to the regional manager, but he always says assistant regional manager, yeah you get it...

See I have been a manager before and thankfully I didn't slip into this territory, I found that giving respect, you get it, and people will be much more willing to help out and do shit when you ask them... Rather than fake it when they see you coming and then go right back to doing nothing when you are gone... I think that these P.T.'s must not realize that this is exactly what we all do... We nod, act like we are going to pick something up, take out the trash, run food, fold something, but as soon as you look the other way our thumbs are right back up our asses, where they belong...

4.01.2010

Day 192--- Skinny Chance...


Over the past couple of weeks I have been taking some time to organize my life as much as I can, which has not given me much blogging time. But it has given me a lot of time to think of some great new topics, that should be coming out in over the next few months. As a part of my organization I have been working out daily with the P90x workout program, doing that has reminded me how nice it would be to be naturally skinny. In a world obsessed with weight, and figure I decided it was about time I wrote about some people in the weight world that bug me, by no fault of their own... So bend over and take it in your naturally skinny butt...

Metabolism is a word that I want to punch in the face. Seriously if metabolism ever came close to me I wouldn't even have to be drunk to hit him right between the eyes. Lucky for me, I don't think I will have to worry about him coming anywhere near. Growing up, even at a young age I was the kid who had to watch what I ate and work out all the time, being that kid starting at 9 has given me a long time to form a proper resentment towards the naturally skinny. Now, I don't hate them personally, but I hate everything that they stand for. Which is pretty much just eating whatever they want and not gaining weight, I have actually met people who seem to lose weight the more that they eat... For instance, my little brother. The kid is about 5 ft 11 and weighs 126lbs, however he can and does out eat me any time we are together. He is always eating, and he does not skimp on portion sizes yet he seems to be smaller each time I see him... Apparently he got all the metabolism that we should have split. Thanks gene pool...

I think I could get over all of this and live happily ever after if I was not constantly bombarded with TV ads for medicines that will essentially turn me into one of them. It makes me feel like such a non human that I should have to take a pill if I just want my body to do what it is supposed to do. "Here you go, take Relicore and your body will actually break down food like it is supposed to, monthly supply is only $299.99".

You know what... Come to think of it I may have just been born in the wrong time period... Because I am pretty sure back in the day, hefty people were actually the coolest. Back when a beer belly and a fat neck was a sign of wealth, I think that is when I was supposed to be born. When all of the magazines had those pale bastards as centerfolds, and when eating a whole turkey leg at dinner was not frowned upon. Yeah, I think that is when I was meant to be born. My what a joke God played on me.

I recently read somewhere that naturally skinny people are more likely to go bald or grey before the rest of us... I don't mean to worry those of you that may happen across this blog, but that is something that you have to look forward too. Actually I just made that up to make myself feel better for a moment, and it worked.

I figured Id cap this off with a list of celebrities who are not naturally skinny... Just to remind us we can all still be rich and famous...

1. Star Jones
2. Randy Jackson
3. Oprah Winfrey
4. Al Roker
5. Kirstie Alley
6. Kevin Federline
7. Mariah Carey
8. Elvis
9. That subway sandwich dude.
10. Kevin Smith

Btw, just to update those of you who've been following me a while... I'm finally working on editing the book that I wrote back in August, you should all be thrilled, because once it is done I may send a few of my most devoted followers an early copy to get their take on it... (Short and funny so don't worry)... I start a second job and my improv class next week, which will hopefully open some doors stand-up wise, so I am stoked about that. Other than that just wanted to thank you guys for keeping up, even though my busy-ness has cut down my frequency I still promise to keep this going. Cheers.

3.25.2010

Day 191--- Recycling Gone Wrong...


In this day and age, when politicians would have you believe that we are running out of trees, water, and air the global community has all started to become a bit more conscious about what they waste. We recycle bottles, cans, pizza boxes, and anything else that we might be able to re-use. I get this, I recycle, and I feel nice about doing my part I really do, but the line I draw is with these next people... Plastic bag re-users...

Like I said before I am all for recycling, but where do you draw the line? About 8 or so years ago, before places sold re-usable bags, and before places would charge you extra to use their bags, (at least in the US) I used to work at a grocery store as a cashier that allowed me to have a very brief, yet interesting look into peoples lives. Some may even think this is where I began my people judging abilities, but that was actually somewhere between wound and first step I'm sure. ANYways, obviously I got to see so much diversity between people where I worked, but one of the groups of people that always stuck out to me were the people who insisted on re-using their bags... Their were really only select few of these bag-huggers back then, so when I had them through my line once I never forgot who they were. You see, these people weren't just about recycling, no no no, they were about some OCD irrational lifestyle that just so happened to present itself in the form of 9 year old, non-gently used bags.

They were the kind of people who would lean way over the counter to make sure that I was not injecting their fruits and veggies with some sort of wasteful venom. They would hound me item after item, telling me what needs to be bagged with what. To which I, on more than one occasion would say, "would you just like to come over here and do this, it may be easier that way." (Hey I wasn't four-star cashier for nothin)... These were the people that were stuck in the lifestyle somewhere between a hippie, paranoid schizophrenic, and a hoarder. I bet I could follow them home to find 7 cars in their front yard, and every piece of paper they had ever touched piled throughout their house. So while some people see the re-use of plastic bags as a noble thing to help save plastic trees, I see it as a sickness, and if it is not a full-blown sickness just yet, it is at least the gateway drug to other crazy behavior. You start out saving plastic bags, next thing you know you are 56 years old, single, and have somehow managed to house 13 cats at once.

So take this as a warning. Don't stop recycling, but I suggest finding other uses for those trusty ol bags just to keep you on the safe side... You could pick up dog poo with them, even if its not from your dog, I suggest you pick it up so I don't step in it. You could use it as a trash bag. That's what I do... go me. You could save it for one of those nights that you bring home a butterface, poke a few holes to let her breath and you are good to go. I have heard that they like the plastic way more than the paper bags, which makes sense, too many of them were getting thick ass paper cuts on their neck and shoulders. Give them to a homeless person, they are always looking for new luggage. Pack a lunch in it. Tie them over your shoes in a rainstorm.... OK I'm reaching now... bedtime...

Disclaimer. Im sure we would be better off just not using them at all, but they are cheap, and so are companies, and humans so I don't see that happening any time soon.

3.19.2010

Day 190--- 1, 2, 3, 4 I Declare Thumb War...



People who wear thumb rings deserve no introduction...

So that is all they get... Actually, if you are a dude and you are wearing a thumb ring you deserve no introduction, if you are a girl who is wearing one you just have a messed up sense of what is right and wrong... But honestly I've never seen a girl wearing one so that means I'm going to focus on the dudes.

First of all I should let you know that guys who wear too much hand jewelry are a little sketch in the first place. A wedding ring and a watch is the maximum amount of shiny-ness any straight God fearing male should allow below his elbow. (Unless you have to wear one of those medical bracelets) I think I just feel like a dude with all kinds of sparkly shiny accessories is just trying too hard. I have always associated that amount of jewelry with rappers, gangsters, and guys who want to wear their bank account on their wrist to show off. But all of the jewelry in the world cannot compare to the lameness of the thumb ring in my eyes...

The thumb ring is like the Nickelback of jewelry, basically some people might have thought they were cool for about a week but the more you are exposed to them the more you want to punch babies... (no babies were harmed in the production of this blog)... The thumb ring had to of happened as an accident, there is no way that someone was making rings some day and thought, "hey wouldn't it be great if I made one of these big enough for my thumb?"... I think there is a slight misconception among the 9 guys who ever purchased them that they make you look more manly... I think the truth is quite contrary, when I see a gent with a ring on his thumb I'm not thinking better not mess with this guy, I'm thinking 'I wonder what ass-less chaps this dude is going to be wearing out on Friday'... (Truth be told though I picture almost everyone I meet in ass-less chaps at some point)... And I'm not saying that if you wear a thumb ring that you are automatically gay, and I wouldn't care if you were, but it would not be a huge shock if they switched that whole "right ear pierced, your gay thing" to "thumb ring, your gay"... Kind of like a new secret club.

Maybe the whole origin of the thumb ring is something really cool that I never even thought about and maybe I'm the loser for not wearing one, I doubt it but lets play with that idea for a minute... Maybe back in the gay-ties when thumb rings were invented you could only wear one if you could play a really cool song only using your thumb and the inside of your cheek... Maybe they were awarded to all the people who won the first ever thumb war championships... circa 1989. I guess there are probably about a hundred reasons I never thought about I'm almost ashamed of myself... Almost...

I just had this strange thought. What is worse a pinky ring or a thumb ring?... That is not easy... "I want something femmie, but I don't know if I'm ready to go pinky just yet"... "Oh, I have just the thing for you, we just got in this brand new shipment of thumb rings."... "Hmmm, thumb ring you say... well, sure why not... Better give me two just in case one gets stuck..." --- that was a little day dream I just had... Now I know its time for bed...

3.18.2010

Day 189--- One Drop at a Time...



I am so glad that I got to enlighten people on the amazingness that is "butterface's"... They really are one of the most useful things you will learn in your entire life, anytime you are out and point out a butterface, you have instantly thrust yourself into the comedic spotlight for the next hour, trust me I've done studies... Now I am going to talk about a group of people today that each and every one of us has no doubt come into contact with. Are you ready for this? Its a random one... Here we go... People who freeze their water bottles.

You may ask yourself why I would be interested in this group, allow me to explain. Its not so much the idea of freezing the water, this makes sense, we all like our water to be cold... But what amazes me is their dedication to the cold water process. You see, I have tried this before, but I literally sat there licking the top trying to get it to melt for about the first 2 hours away from the house... At that rate I am only going to finish about half of the water by the time I'm done at work... And if you are really dedicated to the art form and manage to make it past the ice licking stage, the only bonus that you get are little sips... If you are really strong and you make it all the way through the day without drinking until it thaws out entirely you have about 13 minutes before that very cold water is just water...

As silly as you guys may think it is that I would choose to write a whole post about these people I want you to just think about how much going through this process really says about somebody... Yeah, that's right I'm going deep in the shallowest way possible here... You know by the fact that they freeze their bottles daily that they are obviously people who like to be well prepared and they are also pretty frugal. Otherwise they would just buy a new one every day, or fill up as they run out the door... The next, and perhaps most telling thing, is that they are clearly the type of people that are willing to wait for their rewards. They must be patient, because like I said if I am thirsty I am drinking this water one thawed drop at a time, but I have seen them wait for the entire bottle to thaw before drinking... It doesn't even seem worth it to me at that point to have to wait hours just to be able to drink cold water... At this point you guys probably think I am stoned or drunk to be talking about this mess for so long, but I'm not... I was just bored out of my mind at work today on a phone call staring at my water bottle... And for some reason I thought about all the times I have witnessed these people and thought about all this stuff to myself... So I figured it was just about time to share it with you guys...

I don't really expect you all to take a whole lot out of this, but what I do expect is that the next time you see someone with a frozen water bottle you will think about me and smile... And when that happens an angel will get his wings and I know my job has been done... Or something like that...

And that is what diarrhea of the brain looks like in blog form.

3.17.2010

Day 188--- "Everything is Good, But Her Face"...


I hope everyone is enjoying their St Patties Day, I am going to hurry up and get this post out there before I join in with the festivities. I have tried to write a few of these posts under the influence and once I went back and read them they made even less sense than I normally do... Today I have decided to write about an unfortunate selection of people, some even call them God's little joke; the butterface's.

If you don't know what a butterface is, it is not because you have not seen one, it is because you just have not been enlightened. But if you think you are ready for one of the humanic wonders of the world, keep reading... Also known as a bag job or a brown bagger a butter face is basically a girl who has a body that's a 10, 'but her face' is down in the 1-3 area... The name basically stemmed from the saying "everything is good but-her-face", and from there became a world wide phenomenon. Another popular saying that is pretty much interchangeable with that one is "good from far, but far from good"... Ever since I was a young lad and I first heard this I thought that it was one of the most well put together lines ever, not just because it was fairly crafty and witty, but because it was true...

I think the reason that people tend to like observing butterfaces once they find out about them because the ratio of face to body is clearly upsetting some balance in nature... Typically we find people that have busted faces usually have pretty dumpy bodies as well... And vice versa people with gross bodies usually wind up having some funkadelic faces to top it off. Nature seems to like keeping things like that balanced for the most part... That's why usually when you walk up behind a girl with an apple bottom you don't expect her to turn around and have a rutabaga face, you expect the face to match the rest of the package... When it doesn't you can definitely tell that something bad is going to happen, its like when a black cat knocks over a mirror and all that stuff. I don't know whether to feel sorry for them or to make fun of them really... If you think about it a 10 body and a 2 face still averages out to a six over all... I know friends who have tried to make these calculations when deciding if a hook up is worth it.

My question is, do they know? I mean, girls for the most part know when they have great bodies, this is why the majority of them flaunt it and use it to their advantage as much as they can... So do these butterfaces ever factor in the disaster zone located above their neck? Or do they just try and deny it and take what advantages they can get? I bet they would have loved going to parties in the old days when half of them had the masquerade theme going on... At least they could trick people for a while at those things...

Regardless, my warning to you guys is to watch out for these creatures. They are out there walking among us on a daily basis and there is no telling what damage they could do if we don't keep them in their place... Drink responsibly and you will definitely cut down your chances of waking up next to one...

For your future reference, here is a list of a few famous butterfaces:

1. Lady GaGa, (oh now you get it, this game is easy)
2. Michael Phelps (duh)
3. Sarah Jessica Parker (looks like someone ran over her mug)
4. Tori Spelling (yikes)
5. Fergie (gets worse as she gets older)

I could keep going but I kind of want some input from you guys... So leave some comments!

3.16.2010

Day 187--- Rise and Shine...


I want to start off by saying I feel like a tard. I started this blog so strong, I think I went something like 130 straight days of blogging madness, just like that chick from the Julia Childs movie. Then I faltered a little during the contest just because I wanted to leave the contest posts as the top post, then I remembered how great being lazy felt. I pulled out of it a bit after the contest but then when I started working 40 hr weeks with an hour travel on each end of the day I became lazy bastard again... I basically said all of that so that I could really and truly thank all of you who have stuck with me through all of it... All my excuses and my shitty posts, and even my posts that may have pissed you off, but hey lets face it if I never offended anyone I wouldn't be doing my job would I?... I also want to thank those of you that I have picked up along the way, who really don't know what I am all about. Maybe you saw me on some other site, maybe you accidentally clicked on me and saw that I used the word shit in one of my post and were instantly hooked... I thank you all for reading my rants and coming back again and again, you know who you are, and if my Internet wasn't being a complete bitch right now I would even post links so that people could check out how awesome you are too... I'll have to do that on a day that I'm sure a lot of people will read...

So without further business, lets get down to pleasure... Today I have decided to post about a group of people that we all know we want to be, but only some of us are willing to go balls out on this one, literally... Say hello to people who sleep naked...

Lets first admit that being naked is just awesome... (eye-muffs if you don't want a gnarly visual)... For me being naked is one of the best things ever, almost everyday when I get home from work I rush straight to my room and rip off all the bondage that had been suffocating and constricting me all day long... No clothes to ruin the perfect itch, nothing to to tuck in, or string to stop from tickling me, pure liberation... Its no wonder that people start nudist colonies, I can see why the garden of Eden was considered paradise, the only reason I don't join one these days is because most of the people are old, wrinkled, and about 9 shades too tan... I may be the only person willing to admit all of this, but I assure you I am not the only one who feels this way. Since there are laws against public nudity and mom and dad walking around the house swingin free most people have reserved there liberation to come between the sheets.

The thing that is amazing about these people, is that nothing that they do in the outside visible to me and you world, would let you know if they were a night nudie or not... And for some reason that is sort of fascinating to me... We all know that there are the pajama people, the ones who look like they walked out of 50's television, they have the full button down thing going on, and then there are the ones who wear the big shirt and some basketball shorts, they want to be comfortable, but they also want to be able to run outside in a hurry in case of a fire. There are the underwear people, thong, bra, boxers, these people are comfortable in their skin, but there is just something that holds them back from going all the way... Then you have those that wear their sheets as pajamas, and you could not look at someone you work with every day and guess which one they are... You may think that your priest wears a button down to bed, but he may very well be a nudie patutie. Your parents, you hope that they are fully clothed as well, but there is some reason they keep that door locked, and you know its not for sex (married people don't do that right?)...

The fact of the matter is, that unless you have shared a bed or a room with someone you really cant tell what they wear to bed. You may not think that not knowing is a big deal, and maybe it isn't, but I sure would like to know what my friends are wearing for 6-8 hours of their day... Well, maybe not some of them, but you get the idea... I just don't know why this question is not on Myspace profile questionnaires, and in job interviews, from where I stand I say this tells a lot about a person... We want to know if someone smokes, or what kind of music they listen to, but no one has ever asked me if I sleep naked, maybe that's because for for the right price you can find it out first hand, or maybe its because you don't think about other people naked... But I doubt that...

When I searching for a picture for this post I found a website that says that it is actually healthier to sleep nude, this must have been written buy the guy who convinces ladies he can guess their bra size by touching their boobies. He says you actually get better sleep when you have nothing constricting you, makes sense to me. Regardless I am going to continue sleeping the healthiest way I can, who's with me???

3.15.2010

Day 186--- See Ya LATEr...


That last post got more comments about MUSE than it did about the topic I was posting on... Either my writing is becoming lame or I talked a little bit too much about MUSE, I hope its the second one... Moving on though Ive got another post about a group of people that annoy me, imagine that. Chances are plenty of you guys out there fall into this category... People that are always late...

There has been a long standing joke in my family that it takes my mom an hour and a half to watch sixty minutes, I'm not sure exactly when this started, or how original the joke is, but it could not be more true... She is the kind of person that you would have to lie to about the time something starts just so you had a shot at being there on time, if I was brave I would have even set all the clocks ahead 30 minutes. It really didn't matter if we were going to something for her, or something for one of us kids, or even something the whole family was invited to we just had to learn how to show up fashionably late... And by fashionably I mean half way through whatever it was we were going to... I remember most vividly every week showing up late to church and having to sit in the back... It didn't matter how early she got up, or how much we tried to hurry her, or even that we would go sit in the car for 20 minutes waiting, she would find away to get behind schedule... Now, for the longest time I thought that my mom was the only person who cared so little about being on time, but when I grew up and met other females I realized she was not alone...

She is so not alone that, by my calculations I assume that at least one out of every five of my readers (you) probably suffer from chronic tardiness. You shall henceforth be known as "re-tardi's". You are the people that have been put on earth to test my patience and at times my sanity... You probably come from the same annoyance breed of people that stop at yellow lights. Maybe even part of the group of people that weave back and forth when you walk down a busy sidewalk? (nothing annoys us city folk more than sidewalk weavers).

I am the type of person who likes to be at least five minutes early to everything so I can check the place out and because I don't want to make the person I am meeting have to wait. But for some unlucky reason I always manage to be friends with people who must use a sun dial to tell time. Probably the same sun dial that the bus drivers that take me to work use... Seriously though, the thing that drives me crazy is that all of these people who are constantly late all know about it. My mom was fully aware she was never on time, my friends know they keep me waiting, and you know it too, so why don't you just fix it...? I mean, its not like I'm asking you to stop a smoking habit you have had for 15 years. I just want you to show up on time, I think I could even work out some sort of an award system if we could make punctuality a common thing. I would be more than willing to carry around treats, (of your choice) to give you when you show up on time...

Aren't you ever afraid of missing something? Ive always been the kid that was worried about missing something. For instance, for my new job I have to wake up at about 7:30 am, which for me is what 4:40 am would be to the rest of the world. Anyways, if I wake up late I'm guaranteed to miss the bus, and then I would be late to work and look like a douche. My alarm is set for half past seven, but for some reason my brain freaks out at the thought of being late and wakes me up about 10-15 minutes before my alarm every day... This is just wrong on so many levels for someone who loves their sleep as much as I do, but at least it get my point across about how on time I am... I also am one of those people who doesn't use movie previews as a buffer, I treat them as part of the movie, I need to be there when they start or I'll feel like Ive missed something. Forget coming in when the movie has already started, if I miss any of the plot we may as well take a rain check. The more I write about this, the more I feel like I am the one with the problem here... But hey, a little anal-ness never hurt anybody.... And on that note its time for bed... Try and be on time to something tomorrow guys, even if its not important, pretend...

3.13.2010

Day 185--- When All Else Fails... Bulk Up...


I have been away once again, I just got through with a little mini-vacation to Chicago for a concert and the St. Patrick's Day Parade... I hope that you guys got on alright while I was away, hopefully one of you fed my fish. I know you are dying to know what concert I saw, so I'll tell you... MUSE... Holy F-ing balls, if they were not already my favorite band ever, they are now... They could not have put on a better show if they tried... I could go into great detail, but nothing I can put in this blog will fully explain the divinity of their show. The show was so good that I actually believe that it is unfair to every other band that I end up seeing in my lifetime, they will all fall just a little bit short. If you guys ever take advice that I give, you need to follow what I am about to say now... GO SEE A MUSE SHOW... Whenever, or wherever, and however much it costs you, it will be worth it I promise... On that note, I want to give one more thanks and shout out to my girlfriend Allyson for the tickets, no offense to any other gift I have received in the past but these tickets just ripped off your head and shat down your neck...

With that being said I think we can move onto the post... Today is kind of an odd group in more than once sense of the word... It is a post I can attribute to Facebook, because without Facebook I would not be able to judge people from my past like I do now... I decided to write about the guys from high school that were losers, but since have done their best to bulk up in an attempt to become cool... Follow me this way...

Now, I know that people all change after high school, its what happens, its what we do, but that does not mean that this transformation should not receive the same amount of commentary from me that everything else gets... The reason I have chosen this group is because they really make me laugh... Because we all know that the reason they were losers in high school didn't have anything to do with the amount of muscle mass that they had. No, indeed not, in most cases it was the fact that they were the ones in the corner of the class with their finger up their nose, with white flakes all over their home made clothes, and a smell that could not quite be attributed to anything human... It could also be that they peed their pants once a semester, carried around a deck of magic cards to play at any spare moment, blogged before it was cool ;), and would squawk at anyone who ever tried to ask them a question... So no, as much as they want it to be, lifting weights is not going to somehow magically erase the memories associated with your past...

Obviously I am the Facebook stalker that goes through and passes all this judgement and admittedly this makes me a little bit weird as well, but something needs to be said... I feel like I could save these people countless gym hours and creatine dollars if I could just explain to them why they really had all those nicknames... Sure their is nothing wrong with taking care of your body, not even thing wrong with being hard core about it, I just think it should be done for the right reasons, and I can tell with some of them that they are doing it as more of a "take that" to high-school tormentors... I can usually tell these people apart from the rest of us by a few different things. If 9 out of 10 of their profile pictures have pictures of them with their shirt off or flexing their is a good chance they are trying to compensate. Or if more than once a week their status update mentions them going to the gym, or being sore. We get the point and appreciate the effort, but the likelihood of you coming to the reunion with more friends than you had in school, is about the same as they would have been if you were home schooled.

I know it is not my place to judge them, but I'm gonna do it anyways, so I may as well write about it for your pleasure... What would you do without me??? Stayed tuned, because I think I'm gonna write about the hot girls from school that blimped up after graduation. I know that most people appreciate seeing that much more... LISTEN TO MUSE............

IF anyone from my school ends up reading my blog I will probably get my ass kicked at my reunion... But thats OK, I still have like 3 years to stop pissing myself and bulk up...

3.09.2010

Day 184---Richie Rich-es...


Today I have decided to bring up a group of people that used to bug the shit out of me in high school... They would still bug me if I had to deal with them on a regular basis but since I have moved away from Scottsdale they are definitely more scarce... The type of people I am referring to are the little jack ass kids whose parents have loads of money. Kid in this can cover pretty much any age from 9-29...

I don't know if you guys have ever been to or heard of Scottsdale, Arizona, but since its where I grew up I'll give you a quick description. Snobbsdale, as it is affectionately referred to is home to just as many fake boobs, Ferrari's, and fake blonds as the OC... Its a fancy shmancy place where the temperature stays above 40 degrees all year, you have rocks instead of grass in your yard, and 4 different shades of brown you can paint your house... Anyone who owns a company or has learned to play with balls well enough to get paid for it will usually end up buying a house here, which means that it is also home to some of the most douchey silver spooned kids on earth. Most of whom I was unlucky enough to go to high school with... You may be thinking well, you grew up there you must be just like these bags of douche, but I can assure this is not true. I was not one of the kids who was handed keys to a Range Rover or BMW on my sixteenth birthday. No I was one of the kids who parents said, "Oh, your sixteen, better find a job unless you want to take a bus to school til you graduate."...

So as you can imagine, as any sane teenager would, I built up a little resentment/jealousy/ hatred towards these kinds of kids... To be fair it was not all of them, I actually had a few friends who had "no one related to me will ever have to work a day in their lives" money, and they were quite humble and nice. So clearly I am more referring to the ones who like to make their families wealth a topic of almost any conversation... Any conversation... for instance, if you were to say---"oh yeah, I missed school for a few days because I had to go to my grandmothers funeral in Florida.", they would respond with, "that reminds me, when my grandma dies I finally get to cash in that inheritance, I'll probably buy a house in Florida". Or, you say, "hey, did you see the Suns game this weekend?" and they'd follow with, "no, but my dad is thinking about buying the the team, and Steve Nash will have to babysit my sister". Maybe those examples were a bit extreme, at least as far as a daily basis, but every once and a while something that blatant would surface... I will never forget this kid Jon (well I do forget his last name so clearly he was not that important) anyways, Jon had a very nice $80ish,000.00 BMW that everyone knew he had. But he would always manage to take his keys out just to remind us, or bring up something pointless like his gas mileage just so we didn't forget his parents gave him a nice ride. But I did bum a ride when I could to save on gas money, I'm not stewped.
One of the things that annoy me the most is when they act like they had something to do with acquiring the wealth... Personally I would find it embarrassing to brag about something that you had absolutely no hand in, that would be like me taking credit for 30 Rock being so amazing because I watch it, and I used to live on the same street that it is filmed on... Congratulations your parents make a lot of money, lets see if can just get through Calculus though OK?...

I think these people were a big reason in my decision to move away, I didnt want to be playing keep up with the Jones's at that level my entire life... I had done well to have paid off my used Benz, pay for my first 2 yrs of college in cash, and buy my first investment home by 18, all because I had worked and saved since 15. But no matter how hard I worked, I was still working and they were having it handed to them that just starts to get frustrating after a while... So I moved to NY where the wealth line is so vast that us poor people cant even see the others, and thats the way we like it... NY is the place you can actually brag about how poor you are and people find it cool... Its a very interesting concept... OK I almost just fell asleep on my keyboard. I think that is a sign... M Night Shyamalan...

3.08.2010

Day 183--- "Are You Ticklish???"


So as you guys can tell I have dropped a few days here over the past week, I've been sort of in a writing slump and needed to give myself a few days rest. Everyday I would start to read what I was writing I would get pissed off at myself, for lack of knee slapping funny-ness. I mean, not to fear even on my worst day I am leaps and bounds funnier than most people you know... I just kinda needed to re-charge. You will still get your 365 days of people it just might take about 400 days, but like I said before its my blog so I'll do whatever I damn well please... Unless of course you stop reading, then I'll do whatever I can to sell out and get more people to worship me... In my past few days of non writing a few exciting things have happened in my life that I am going to share with you now. I have started and read the first 2 Harry Potter books in about 5 days, yeah I know how 1998 of me, but hey up until I started this new job I still hadnt pushed my way through that last book series, Waldo. I have started P90x, if you dont know what that is, its basically a work out that kicks you in your entire body, but I needed to start something to balance out that chef-like cooking I have been doing this winter. I watched the Oscars, I'm happy Jeff and Sandra won. I also watched the newer Sabrina, I dont know why you would remake anything that Audrey Hepburn did, she was just too freaking hot!... Anyways, most of you probably skipped this paragraph all together and found yourself somewhere down here ------> If you have made it this far then you will be pleased to know that today I am writing about a group of people that think that they are silly. They think they are silly but the rest of us find them annoying as f*%$... People who tickle...

You may ask yourself if this is really a group of people worth blogging about, well, obvious-freaking-ly or I would not be wasting my time. I am writing this blog not only to entertain and inform you, but I am also writing this as a warning. I'll start with the latter, if I ever happen to randomly meet any of you stalkers and one of you has the balls (or tits) to tickle me, I will make sure you meet a similar end to the people who get attacked by the black smoke on LOST... I am not ticklish, so no matter how hard you jab your fingers into my armpits, ribs, neck, or knees, the only reaction you will get out of me is a look of disgust.

In my humble opinion there is nothing exciting or funny about tickling. Since the beginning of man kind tickling has been a tricky way for pedophiles, priests, and old people to covertly touch something or someone that they should not be. True, it may be a popular ice breaker/ way to sneak your way to second base on a first date, but this is 2010, man up and use a rufi... I cant remember a time in my life when I enjoyed tickling, sources say that I enjoyed it when I was a little baby, but since I don't remember it, it never happened... The truth is that babies don't even enjoy being tickled, sure they may laugh, but they are laughing at the dumb ass faces and noises people make when they are tickling them. I have interviewed at least 3 or 4 of them and they all agree.

Maybe its just me, but it also always seems that the people who want to tickle others have no idea what they are doing... They start jabbing their un-manicured claws straight into my ribs ninety percent of the time, giving me more bruises than giggles... If life truly were to end up like it did in 1984 (the book) tickling would certainly be... un-invented, its just so counterproductive. You know what we should do is use tickling as a torture device on prisoners of war... I don't know if we take those anymore though, I'm pretty sure we just kill everyone we can... But seriously, all you would have to do is tickle me for about 9 seconds, (that's my breaking point) and I would tell you any secrets you want to know about the U.S... Either that or make me watch an episode of M.A.S.H.... You know why the suicide rates were so high in the 80's? Because of that piece of trash show, if I was ever home sick from school and this shit came on I would go to school anyways so I didn't also have my mood ruined with boredom... I may have used that reference before, or I may have just thought about using it, or I may have dreamed I used it or dreamed I thought about using it... I'm not sure but there it was again for your viewing pleasure. That is the most that anyone has ever talked about that show in the past 15 years, guaranteed...

What was I blogging about again? Oh yeah people who tickle... Did you really think I forgot? Or did you realize that that was just the only witty paragraph opener I could muster right now... Either way those of you out there who agree with me need to ban together and do our best to bring an end to tickling of any sort, unless it involves a pickle...

Here is a list of ticklers, don't be like these guys folks...

1. Ted Bundy
2. Marilyn Manson
3. Barney (the purple dinosaur)
4. Richard Simmons
5. George W.
6. The late Michael Jackson
7. Macaulay Culkin
8. Tom from Myspace (its that old site people used to use)
9. Pope Benedict
10. Tiger Woods

I never realized how many people had tickling fetishes until I was looking for a picture for this post... My virgin eyes.

are you ticklish?
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