This blog is for all you nasties out there that do not wash your hands after going to the potty. You know exactly who you are too sick freaks are too. You sir, who came into the bathroom today at the Milwaukee airport. You were on the phone, deep in conversation, you peed for a good 24 seconds, 5 more for the after party, you then replaced your goods, and walked directly out without a thought of visiting the sink. You were not aware that I was in that stall next to you listening, (my phone had no service so I had nothing better to do). It breaks my heart to think that one out of every two Americans bypass the sink every time they do their business, (that is pretty dang close to half). Something needs to be done about this sickness, and I think I have hatched the answer.
I have created a new health care plan for the U.S. that is bound to solve all of our health problems. I suggest that we get one of the bathroom attendants from Hard Rock Cafe and stick them in every public bathroom across the country. Under my reformed health care plan their job is going to be a bit more than dabbing soap on your hand and ripping off paper towels. They are going to make sure that every person who walks out of the bathroom has washed their hands for at least 30 seconds, with warm water and soap. Bam! No more hand-borne diseases! I know what you may be thinking, there is no way they/we can possibly enforce this. Wrong, we make them all government employees which means they are Gods gift to the U.S. just like postal workers. The great part about making them government employees is that we wont have to tip them. I am still working out the details as far as the free cologne goes. I know there are probably still a few of you who think that this is impossible, but I say "Yes we can!", mainly just because that's what people say when the going gets tough. For extra security we will also equip each of them taser guns and the ability to write tickets just to make sure nobody is sneaking by with pee pee hands. No sir, not in my country, we may have some of the dirtiest streets, minds, mouths, yards, cars, restaurants, and people in the world, but if you join me we will damn sure have the cleanest hands!