9.12.2009

Day 29--- Over-Age Brace Face...


It creeps me out when older people have braces. Plain and simple, if you are old enough to be my parents you are too old to have hardware in your mouth. Braces on older people is one of the few things that can actually make me uncomfortable. I know its rude to point, but I promise if I find you I will point you out to everyone, even people I dont know on the street. I would be less shocked and appalled if you had an entire golden grill with your name on it. Which believe me is still ridiculous, but after living in NYC I had to get used to that.

Face the music, after 40 no one really cares what you look like anyways, if you are not married by that point it is either by choice or something other than your teeth is scaring people away. Its time for you to start calling up all those people you made the "if we're both not married by the time we're 40 promise to". And if you are married there is really no point in trying to look better they are stuck with you. Why else would 95% of the people at the gym be single. Braces after 40 is just silly its like putting new cabinets in a house with no roof, broken windows, and a yard that has not been mowed since you moved in (thats so dirty if you let it be). Plus that's why God invented Botox and fake boobies to take the focus away from your teeth and put it towards things that are still interesting. Braces are for people who still have a chance at looking good, not as a last resort. Chances are when you are that old all the opposite sex cares about is how much money you have, so you may as well take that $4,000 you'd spend on your headgear and put it towards a new car or TV.

I took a poll in my mind, and everyone in there said unanimously that they would rather stare into a big gap then someone over the age limit with braces. Glad that is settled.

Here is a list to let you know if you have been braces dis-approved:

If you were in the Vietnam War or old enough to be, you're too old for braces.

If you now have to hold things closer to your face to read it, you're too old for braces.

If you have kids old enough to drive themselves to school, you're too old for braces.

If you are too old for your period, you're too old for braces.

If the first time you smoked pot was at Woodstock, you're too old for braces.

If you do not own at least one product from "Apple", sucks to be you, and you're too old for braces.

If you do not know what OMG, BFF, LOL, BRB, or JK stand for, you're too old for braces.

If you use anything product for "Just For Men" or "Rogaine", you're too old for braces.

If you were alive at the same time as JFK, you're too old for braces.

If someone younger than you had to teach you how to use the Internet or to text, you might be too old for braces.

If you ever had to walk to school uphill, in the snow, barefoot, both ways. You're an asshole. You should have bought some shoes. Oh, and you're too old for braces.

If you are on your kids blog account to read this. You're OK, cuz the more readers the better.

If you don't know a chorus to at least one Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake song, you are clearly stuck under a rock, and too old for braces.

I could keep going but I think you get the drift. I felt like Jeff Foxworthy with the whole redneck thing there, no wonder he made a killing. If you are Jeff Foxworthy you are too old for braces, but obviously not smart enough to realize that mustaches have not been cool since 79'.

If you absolutely have hideous teeth you can always move to the UK and you will blend right in. (Some of the most fit snaggle-toothed people in the world). Or if necessary you can find this "Invisalign" because those are like contacts for your teeth and I cant really tell if you are wearing those. Plus I don't have to watch a grown ass woman picking food out of her braces, possibly one of the least cougar things ever (and I really do not adhere to most manners). I know it is typically hot to look younger than you are, but this can be done with pig-tails, spray on tans, and playing dress up. Braces has not, and never will be on that list.

I'm over it. Thanks Jenn.



2 comments:

Allyson said...

I think its cute when older people wear braces, and ill probably be one of them someday....so thanks

onesilentwinter said...

hilarious!

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