11.20.2009

Day 98--- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlenecks...



I feel like it has been far too long since I have forced my fashion sense onto my readers. I know that I am your go to guy for style pointers so I sincerely apologize for my recent drought. Have no fear though, because Ryan is back with advice more fresh than a Mentos, in a new car, next to clean laundry, sprayed by Febreze, on top of a recently cut lemon... Let me tell you ladies and gentleman, that is fresh. My fashion know how has been described in many descriptive words such as, sharp, classy, divine, hopeless, homeless, and cheap... All the more reason to heed my advice and not fall into the category of people who wear turtle necks...

I dont care who you are, dont care where youre from, dont care what you did, as long as you dont wear a turtle neck. I dont know if this form of clothing holds the same name worldwide but it is pretty easy to grasp. It is a piece of outerwear that looks like a long sleeve shirt has thrown up extra fabric toward the wearer's head. It is as shameful to the the clothing world as mullets are to the hair world, T.J. Maxx is to the clothing world, Tyson is to the boxing world, Whitney is to the music world, and Lady GaGa is to the Rhinoplasty world... These shirts are such an embarrassment to the clothing industry that even other clothing has found the need to make fun of it----> "mock turtleneck" <---- get it??? These shirts are so bad they could make Brad Pitt look bad enough to have to go back to Aniston. I have pledged that when I am cremated when my life as through that I will be wearing a turtleneck, for 2 reasons, 1. So that the words "I will only wear one over my dead body" will be true, and 2. So that I can rid the world from one more turtleneck. (I'm a crafty fella).

I am historically almost positive that the invention of the scarf was solely to try and alienate the t.n. I've abbreviated it because I was getting sick of spelling out turtleneck every time, shit! I've gone and done it anyways. Turtle necks are so awful that even Marilyn Manson is creeped out by the people that wear them. The only people I still see wearing them are the red necks of the world, but we all know they don't count as real people anyways. Some speculate they wear them just to cover up the actual redness in their necks, this has not been confirmed. T.n.'s make V necks and leather pants look like Rocky and Rambo. In 2009 you would have to be gayer than Tim Gunn sitting on Elton Johns piano chair reading Cosmo to actually leave your house wearing a t.n.. Ladies, if you ever see a guy out in a t.n. you can not automatically assume that he is gay, although the chances are about 97-99% I do not support stereotyping and profiling. So other than being gay you could also assume that he is married, these sort of people usually completely stop caring about their appearance. Even homeless people are too prideful to put one on, and they pee pee their pants. Even the tourists with fanny packs and sandal socks know better, come on America, get a grip....

For the end I have decided to include a list of times that it is acceptable to wear a turtleneck:

1. Never

8 comments:

thatgalkiki said...

It's interesting to see so many people in LA wearing them too. I wonder what the East Coast people think about that one.

Tourists with Fanny packs (inetresting word, if you live in the UK!) and sandal socks are the best! LOL

Mr. Knucklehead said...

And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it feels like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.

RIP Mitch Hedberg.

ScoMan said...

In Australia we call them skivvies. I don't know why. Turtleneck is a perfectly logical term, but we changed it.

I think I mentioned this on your speedos post as well, but the only other time it's okay to wear a turtleneck is when you're 4 and your parents buy your clothes and you don't know any better.

Although I did know better because the ones they bought were a few sizes too small and I struggled to breathe.

angel6033 said...

I hate turtle necks! I am glad I am not the only one lol...I always think that all they do is make people look like they have an underchin.....or wait maybe they do...

Quincifer said...

Hahaha! I hate turtlenecks!
However it annoys me how they do actually keep your neck warm. I mean, I know its not much effort to put a scarf aswell on but a turtleneck has that 2 in 1 charm.....

LMJ said...

I love this post!!! I HATE HATE HATE turtlenecks!!! I got one for Christmas about 6 years ago. It still in the the same condition I got with the the tags and all. I don't get rid of it because it's from my sister. I later hinted I didn't like them--haven't gotten another one again. Thank goodness!

徵信社 said...

I love it! Very creative!That's actually really cool.
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參觀,Thanks

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