11.30.2009

Day 108--- The Only Thing Worse than Uggs...



Howdy... You know one of the hardest things about this blog is trying to come up with some sort of witty original introduction each day... While I don't think that I do an overly stellar job everyday I will remind you of two things that will hopefully keep you coming back. One, I try, at least I try, and two,(this may be the most important), I do not plaster pictures of my cat all over my blog... For that you should thank me. Anyways on to todays topic, another intro down... I have chosen a topic that brings me back to my days living in NYC, "The city that never sleeps", "the big apple", the concrete jungle, the fashion capital of the world... Well, that last one may not always ring true, and I am going to bring out my inner fashion diva to explain why. Todays assault is on the nimrod's who believe it to be acceptable to wear (sandals, thongs, or flip-flops) through the winter months of the year...

Seriously though, these turd burglars not only possess zero fashion sense but they have also abandoned all common sense as well... They must read the same fashion mags as the ra-tards who I wrote about earlier who wear scarves in the middle of the summer... Just because the gap has a sale on these items does not mean that they need to be worn when you purchase them. They are on sale, because it is not the proper season to wear them... Just sayin... I am no Tim Gunn, but at least I know to dress comfortable and safe while also dressing presentable... Maybe they never learned how to tie shoes or maybe they cant afford Uggs but this is why Velcro was invented. Duh...

I really don't understand what must pass through their minds as they are getting ready to go out on the town... OK... Jeans, long sleeve-t, jacket, scarf, beanie, gloves ... sandals. I don't care if you did just move here from Alaska, your feet still get cold, and although it may be not the 1st place that your body heat escapes from it is certainly not the last... This is fast becoming the 2nd world wide sandal problem, the first being to wear socks with them, neither is a category that I would ever let myself be found dead in. Or alive in for that matter. The lack of brain cells in these people is mind boggling, but not as much as their lack of exposure to Project Runway... One episode of that show and you can at least dress like a grown up... There has been some dispute to weather open toed heels count in today's category, and I am going to say no... I'm going to say no because if you are wearing the proper height heels your feet will be numb the whole time anyways, even with all the blood trying to escape from your foot through your toes I imagine stay warm enough... (I plan on testing that theory this weekend, since we all know I cross dress on the first weekend of every December) (Family tradition) (well, not an old family tradition, but one I certainly plan on implementing when I have kids of my own).

Even homeless people manage to find a usable pair of shoes in the winter, so why cant these schmucks? OK, maybe the homeless guys shoes are not matching, and one is from the 80's while the other is from the 50's... But at least he is trying... Ya, sure his un-pedicured foot is growing out through the hole, maybe he decided to go sock-less, and maybe he is wearing the tongue of the shoe as a bracelet, but like I said at least he is trying... You the winter-sandalman, you have given no attempt at normalcy, you are so far outside the box you are Andy Dick (this joke can be taken many different ways, enter thought process at your own risk)...

If you are ever walking down the street and get a stealth punch to the face, you can assume it is because you are wearing sandals past the proper date... I bet you are wondering when that date is, so I'm gonna tell you... If you live North of North Carolina, Tennessee, New Mexico, Arizona, Vegas, or Bakersfield California, then your cut off is October 14th... (why you ask, well one, its my birthday so its an easy day for me to remember, and two, because it starts getting pretty damn cold then) the degree amount you want to look for is 46.3 degrees F... (I don't know what this will be for my friends down under, or across the pond, this is up to you to figure out)... As for those of you south of those northernmost areas I mentioned you guys get until Thanksgiving, purely because I know it can still be near sandal weather up to that point... But I swear to you anytime after that and you should prepare for a swift punch to the face, if you are extremely tall, your neck...

This is the only way I think that these Abercrombie model wannabe frat boy sdarter ->(retards backwards, to offend less people) will learn... So I now give all of my readers permission to be the teachers, go now unto the world and regulate...

11 comments:

angel6033 said...

huh, I have never met one if these people...ahah!

ScoMan said...

You're lucky I'm a patient man who is willing to listen to an opponents arguments rather than assuming what they are going to say and starting my case against arguments they may not have, because it is only because I continued to read on that I agreed with you (except for that rubbish about stopping wearing sandals on October the 14th. I think that's when it's okay to start wearing them)

I thought you were going to attack an Aussie institution. An icon. Our beloved thong. I thought I would be standing up for all that is good in this world because you had a problem with our footwear.

But then you added that it was only in winter or with socks, and that I agree with. Even in a thong heavy country, if you're wearing them with socks or winter, expect to be mocked by teenagers.

Quincifer said...

Oh sandals.
The only thing that makes them worse is wearing them with socks...

Children of the 90s said...

I agree with Quincifer, socks could totally make this worse. I am guilty on some counts of wearing Uggs, but I would never stoop to flip flops in the wintertime. At least Uggs are remotely functional.

Summeranne said...

I completely agree with you! And seeing as I currently live in Ohio, I'm going to start working on my right hook!

plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Spot on here.

Honey B. said...

Yes! You totally spoke one of my biggest pet peeves with the sandals during the winter. Seriously! What is WRONG with those people?!?

Oh yeah, and thanks for the comment on my blog. The dish of heart attack? Downright delectable.

~Honey B.

Steph said...

I love this paragraph and totally guilty on occassion.

"Even homeless people manage to find a usable pair of shoes in the winter, so why cant these schmucks? OK, maybe the homeless guys shoes are not matching, and one is from the 80's while the other is from the 50's... But at least he is trying... Ya, sure his un-pedicured foot is growing out through the hole, maybe he decided to go sock-less, and maybe he is wearing the tongue of the shoe as a bracelet, but like I said at least he is trying... You the winter-sandalman, you have given no attempt at normalcy, you are so far outside the box you are Andy Dick"

Mr. Knucklehead said...

There's a lot of minor shit that bothers you, isn't there?

LMJ said...

These people are crazy!! It's so damn cold!!

Ok, one time I wore socks with my sandals, but that's because inside my house is nice and warm, so I walk around in my socks. I had to run outside real quick, so I slipped into my sandals. It was snowing. Other than that, I'll keep my warm tennis shoes during the winter, thank you very much.

.:*aMbAr*:. said...

UGHHH I just hate men in sandals. PERIOD. If it's not at the beach... they should ALL get punched, even if its 100 degrees.

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