Today I have selected a group that each and every one of you have undoubtedly come into contact with, no pun intended... If you can not tell by the title I am going to be writing about those people who just get too damn close.
Oh boy they are a sneaky bunch of people aren't they? There is almost no way to tell who they are until its too late (they aren't as obvious as say pedophile's with mustaches, or Asianphiles with Yugioh shirts on) ... By the time you have them spotted, you are already feeling their breath warm on your cheek, you are already staring deep into their unsightly pores, you are already playing a game of stand-up footsie, you know what I mean. I have been doing years upon years of research on this group so that I may avoid unwanted encounters, but there is honestly no way to distinguish them from the next person. Unfortunately to the naked untrained eye alone they stick out about as much as a mullet at a rodeo, not much.
I have found no good way to exit their orb either, once they have penetrated my closeness force-field I am usually stuck smelling their breath until I can think of a good enough reason to leave. I for one can not focus on a word that they are saying to me either when they are in my personal space all I am thinking is how angry I am with myself for falling into one of their traps. I have tried to turn the tables once they got really close and just scooted in even closer to see if it would creep them out and have them retreat. This however does not work, if they are truly into this whole space invading thing they are really dedicated to their art and this just fuels the fire. If you try this approach you may end up with a hand in your pocket by the end of the conversation.
The worst is when I was working at my restaurant and I would have a customer who was like this, they would call me over to their chair and have me bend in closer as if they were going to tell me a secret or slip me an extra tip. Instead they would usually just find a way to hold me there and tell me what a great job I did until I could spin move myself free from them. Come to think of it this is always the place these people seem to hit is at your job. Its the place where you cant really get away from them because it is your job to stay close and help....
OK, I'm going to stop babbling, here is a list of people who are more likely to be close talkers in their day to day lives:
1. Baseball coaches (typically to Umpires)
2. Politicians (they like to get close and smell your fear)
3. Teachers (they are lonely people, they just want to be close to anyone)
4. Doctors (I mean, they get to see you naked, so I'm sure they'd feel cheapened if they didn't get some good quality close talking time in.)
5. Old people (this may just be so they can hear you)
6. Guys who try and seem overly confident at parties (based on watching, not experience)
7. People who work at shoe stores (anyone who wants to work with peoples feet you can just assume is weird)
8. Vampires (just block your neck)
9. Creepy managers (especially guys named Todd that I used to work for at Taco Bell)
10. People with bad breath, nose hair, creepy zits, long mole hair (they all seem to want to show this stuff off in HD).
Classic Example of Close Talkers.