Today is a blog that will only relate to those who have either lived in an apartment building, a 2+ family home, or anywhere that you have had someone living above you. This is of course because the group that I am bringing into the spotlight today is the "upstairs neighbors". Someone had to do it. I realize that not all upstairs neighbors are as heinous as the ones that I am calling into attention, but I'd say its a good 79.973% of them, sorry if you are a quiet upstair-er.
How is it that everywhere I have lived I have managed to live below either a herd of elephants, a construction worker, or the entire cast of "Stomp" ? I swear to you I have never lived where I actually had to guess which room they were in, since they pretty much always run from room I have a pretty good idea where they are and what they are doing at all times. I have always imagined it would be a fun game to try and guess where your neighbors were, I've been deprived.
This was the worst when I lived in NYC, holy crapfest, first of all I lived in midtown Manhattan, where for $2,000 a month you get a very small one bedroom place. So if my ear sore from the floor above was home, I could pretty much hear him where ever he was. It's not like I could hide from his ruckus by changing rooms, when your apartment is only about 250 sq. feet big there are not many places TO go. The dude who lived above me was some little Asian man, but you wouldn't have guessed by listening, as little as he was he made up for it in loudness. To this day I do not know what he was doing up there at 7 or 8 am everyday, but it sounded a hell of a lot like sawing. Sounded like he was building the Ark up the there, or having his own version of extreme home make over. Now, I don't know if he was actually sawing, but I mean, I know what a saw sounds like and I still have not come up with a better explanation. There were other days where it sounded like he would just pace back and forth, for at least an hour without stopping, our apartments were only about 22 feet long total, seems to me like it'd be just as much exercise to walk around the block once, but apparently he didn't. I mean, I would have understood if he wanted to practice Karate or something like that, but the pacing and the sawing really got to me.
I am now visiting my girlfriend in Milwaukee (represent!) and her upstairs neighbors love vacuuming, and by love it, I mean they looooove it. The strangest part about it is that I'm pretty sure they have wood floors, I think I am going to get them a Swiffer Wet Jet for Christmas. I think they may also have races up and down the hallway, there is no conclusive evidence at this time, maybe they all just like to go for power walks like my old neighbor.
For once I want to be this upstairs neighbor. I want to be the one that causes someone to stand on their bed and bang the ceiling with a broom until I shut up. I want to be the one that someone writes a blog about. I want revenge... Well, I guess its not really revenge unless I somehow get to move into the apartment above them, and then I don't think it would be worth it after I have to climb that many flights of stairs. I guess if I did it to someone else, that doesn't really fit the eye for an eye theory, that'd be like if you took my eye and I went and stole some random persons eye, oh man they would be so confused wouldn't they. ha ha. (You just lost I.Q. points for reading that.)
You know what else I could do, I could cut a hole up through the ground while they are gone one day, and then cover it with cardboard and leaves, wait maybe a rug would work better, I'm used to doing this outside... It works ladies and gentleman, I'm gonna feel like Kevin Mc Callister when they come crashing through and land in my living room. I wonder if that would screw up my chances at getting my deposit back.
Its really annoying when they still do it after you have had a polite conversation with them about it too. Well, even though that usually comes after the broom banging and the passive aggressive notes left on their door, but still. Disrespect.
I guess that about covers it. Does anyone have anything to add? Any loud neighbor stories? Scoman come on, don't give me the live alone bit again, unless you are out in the middle of the forest you must have had some experience with these guys.
PS. I stole this picture, thats not really me. I don't have a blue couch.