11.28.2009

Day 106--- I Can Wet Myself, Thank You...

Hello friends. I hope that you all had an enjoyable day... I know I did... I bet you are all wondering who today's blog is going to be about... Otherwise you probably would not be coming to this page, I mean, lets admit the pictures really are not that special... Well, today I have decided to pick on a group of people that I cant really figure out... Bathroom attendants...

You know the people I am talking about... The commander of the paper towels, the captain of the cologne's, the controller of the cigarettes... These guys crack me up and scare the piss out of me at the same time... Every time I go into a bathroom and see one of these guys I go into an instant panic... First of all because I don't want someone in the bathroom who is going to monitor my pee strength, but mostly because I don't want to have to pay to wash my hands... Maybe the rest of you feel OK taking this guys stock of paper towels and then disappearing without a tip but something for the service industry side of me feels guilty every time I make off without tipping... Not to say that I don't do it, but I hate feeling guilty... I want to just tell the guy that I can figure out the soap and paper towel situation on my own but he always seems to be a step ahead of me... If he was really on top of things though he would be helping with the unbuttoning, unraveling, re buttoning, and flushing, this is where I seem to have the most problems, and or lack the most control... Not that this happens much when I am out, but I would gladly drop a tenner to any one of these fellas who could come into a stall and wipe me, I mean if you are going to be a tip worthy bathroom attendant why limit yourself to the sink area? I know you can handle some paper towels, but if you really want to make yourself useful in here Ive got a list of things you could work on...

See, after living in NY you kind of become numb to people who just seem like they want money for nothing... When your city is infested (for lack of better word) with homeless people you have to set up some sort of system for the ones who will receive your money, otherwise you may end up begging next to them some day... So with this principal in mind I have decided that this is how I will determine if the bathroom attendants that I come into contact with are worth my dollar, really I would go with change but the little wicker basket they have on the sink full of ones and fives just scoffs at anything less than a dollar... Ive decided that if they speak to me politely or say something that makes me laugh then they are worthy of at least one dollar, this I will find a way to write off to charity, because that's really what this is anyways... Are these people hired by the bars that they work in? Or do they just set up shop in a different place each night until they are kicked out??? What is the training that goes into this job??? OK, now monopolize the soap once someone is washing their hands, ask them if they would like some. If they wouldn't you are shit out of luck, but give them a glare and you can make sure they leave feeling like a dirty bastard for not using your soap. Paper towels, this one can be tricky, because honestly even if there is no one around I will usually walk out of a bathroom drying my hands on my pants. Its quick and easy...

One time when I was out, I used the attendants soap, because I was not left much of a choice, and then he quickly handed me a paper towel, without asking if I would be needing one. I used it, threw it away, and then proceeded to walk out, I appreciated the help but did not feel that the effort was worth a dollar. Anyways, as I turned to walk out without tipping the drunk ass next to me decided to be Robin Hood of the bathroom, he says to me," why don't you tip the guy?"... 9000 different reasons ran through my head on why I didn't want to and didn't need to tip the guy, but instead of getting in a fight I just turned and continued walking, this hero then pulled out a 5 or 10 and decided he would pick up my slack... I walked out thinking to myself has this really become that big of a deal, someone hands me a paper towel and I am automatically supposed to give him 5 bucks, come on... I've waited on tables for an hour to two hours, getting everything they need from the moment they sat down. Gotten there totals to 100 dollars plus and then been tipped nothing, which in turn costs me money... So why would I ever feel the need to pay someone for handing me a paper towel. In the economic crisis that we are in I say bathroom attendants should be one of the first groups of people to go... We have really reached the pinnacle of lazy when we cannot soap or dry our own hands... There are people in other countries who lack running water, and we have someone waiting in our bathrooms to put a dab of Dial on our hands... Where does that fit into an economic stimulus project? Nowhere, ya that's what I thought...

The collection of items that they have on the sink is always fun to have a look at... I feel like it is a little window into that persons life... Most of them have cigarettes for sure, especially if they are posted up in a bathroom in a bar... So that takes care of cigarettes, they also have a grand assortment of cologne... This is where you can decide how classy you attendant is... If he is rocking out with some Aqua Di Gio and some Armani Mania, then you have found a guy who knows his audience... However every now and then you will run into someone who has Brut and other colognes from the 70's, stay away from this guy, he likely just robbed Walgreens of their cologne and snuck into your bar. You also need to judge the way that your dude has folded his paper towels... If he pulls them out straight away and hands them to you then he is really not concerned about his art or of the dryness of your hands, but if you have found someone who basically makes origami out of the towels you know you are not leaving that bathroom wet... Some of these guys even have gum or candy for sale... I don't know about you, but the bathroom is one of the last places that I am thinking, "hey I could really go for a Snickers right now"... Its just not the place.

When it is all said and done, I hate when these guys are in the bathroom for so many reasons... With them I can never enjoy a crap knowing someone else will hear my every grunt, that sucks. Same deal with a pee, I love peeing alone, but when paper towel boy is in there we are automatically forced to have an audience... Which does not work well with my stage fright.... I am all about creating jobs, but at the same time I am all about ruining the ones that weird me out or cost me money that I do not need to be spending... This is one of those jobs...

8 comments:

ScoMan said...

Here's a shocker.. We don't have those guys. And I've never been in a situation where I wished there was one handy.

I like your system though. If there was someone n there telling me jokes and making me laugh while I went about my business, well, them i'd tip.

angel6033 said...

I am with ScoMan I have never encountered this people, but it does not sound like fun lol......

Secretia said...

Cleaning the bathroom, not giving us attention, that's the only logical thing.

angryredhead said...

The only time I've come across attendants is when I was pubcrawling in Mexico. Now THAT sucks...10 different pubs, 10 different attendants, alcohol-laden bladders...brutal.

LMJ said...

I used to go to this club where these attendants in the women's bathroom actually offered to put some of the make up on you--make up that was there for everyone's use.. Yuck! No thanks! I don't even try it at the Mall, much less in a club full of dranks (didn't drink).

Mr. Knucklehead said...

I think bathroom attendants should be called "Awkwardness Specialists". No purpose to the whatsoever.

Dave "Loose Cannon" Wills said...

I too suffer the plight of these professional good-for-nothings when I'm out at certain restaurants, bars or clubs.

So, I too use a similar system to decide who I give a quarter to. And I doubt the bar's even paying them. And as you said nothing beats shaking those hands and wiping it on the side of your jeans quickly before you head out the door if there's no paper towels available..

Blogger said...

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