11.24.2009

Day 102--- Express Yourself...


I am a little surprised that most of you shared my distaste for Pattinson, I figured by this point he had been able to mesmerize everyone with his glittery pale skin and devilish scowl... Thank God there are still a few of you left who have not yet been bitten... For today's blog I chose another group of individuals that only think about themselves, clearly spawned in America... I speak of the selfish time thieving bastards who get into the 20 item express line with a cart full of items clearly more abundant than the agreed upon maximum amount... Hey, I don't make the rules, but I surely don't break the rules either.

It really chaps my hide when one of these selfish pricks cuts me off with their cart full of goodies. The thing that gets me is that we all know there are only two thoughts that can lead to their decision to get in the express lane... First, is the general neglect to bother counting the items in belief that regardless of how many it looks like, you are important enough to be served through the express line just because you are.... well you... piss ants... Second is the assembly of people who have carefully and calculatingly counted the plethora of items that they have piled in front of them, and then knowingly neglect to admit that they exceed the limit. This is the difference between first degree express line murder, and manslaughter express line murder, the outcome is the same, the difference is in the details.

We have all seen the people who stop and count just short of the register, a quick debate goes on between the men on their shoulders, usually the angel loses this one, they then innocently waltz up to the counter with self justification that they are small items... Well, I'm sorry but the sign above the clerk does not say "20 items or less, unless you are more important than the rest of our shoppers, or have 47 small items". Where I am from 20 items or less means 20 items or less, in the same way that 55 miles per hour means 55 miles per hour, in the same way that no means no, or no means get me more drunk first, OK, that one has some lee-way. Grocery stores need to hire a douche patrol guard that pulls these people over and puts them in the back of the non express line for over evaluating their self importance... This may eventually spread and do away with these cancerous people.

Watching the way that someone checks out at a market really gives you a glimpse into their lives, and their character. I am saying this from years of experience. As a cashier I would always try and keep my mouth shut because of that old shit saying that the customer is always right. luckily for me other customers don't have to follow this same rule... I cant tell you all of the wonderfully exciting times where I got to watch customers have a battle royale right in front of me. You see just because I didn't feel it was right to comment didn't mean that the guy with 3 items stuck behind the guy with 45 items had to keep his mouth shut... This is usually me, although I am not really loud and embarrassing about it, often I will just make quiet sarcastic and snide remarks toward these people just to let them know how everyone feels about them. Things such as "oh, don't worry the rest of us don't have anywhere to go", or " next time if you are having difficulty counting past twenty I'm sure someone could help you. I know that's a really big number for someone like yourself".

All in all these people are simple minded self centered a holes with an inflated self importance and they believe that rules do not apply to them. They are the solo driver in the carpool lane, the sit in the handicapped seat on the bus while the bag lady and cane stand, the only one who ever has anywhere important to be... I have a solution... As my solutions usually are, this one is in its trial run so I expect you guys to give it a try and give me some good feedback... We have all heard of killing with kindness, and that giving is better than receiving, so today's solution combines both of those ideas... Next time one of these people jumps in front of you strike up a friendly conversation with them, they are probably used to people jumping down their throats, they are no doubt veterans to breaking the rules of the express line. Once you have them engaged in conversation whether its about the weather or family they are sure to lower their defenses giving you a window of opportunity to complete your task... Wait for them to be reaching into their cart, basket, wallet, or purse and sneakily add a few more items to the counter... Since they thought it was OK to go over the limit what is a few more things gonna do really... The checkout areas are set up perfect for this, small packs of gum, candy bars, tic-tacs, a TV guide, US weekly, you name it, it is there for impulse buy. If you are quick and sneaky enough this will go over with ease, if not the worst that could happen is they notice and take it off, but at least you tried, and for that I give you an A for attempt!

6 comments:

Emily Jane said...

Since I moved in with my fiance I've flat out refused to go grocery shopping because of reasons like this. Heck you could write something about probably 20 types of Grocery Shopper and why they're so frustrating. There's these guys, there's the Slow Movers, there's the Penny Pinchers who'll happily hold up a line of 10 people to get the extra five cents off "it said on the sign". I hate grocery shopping but not as much as I hate grocery shoppERS!!

Quincifer said...

I have to admit, I have done this before - both purposefully and accidentally....but when I am the one who has to wait for it I totally agree that it is a bit annoying.

I'm one of those weirdos though, that thoroughly enjoys shopping (whether it be clothes, grocery, homeware etc) so it never gets to me too much.

clo said...

Those people really annoy me...especially when I'm in a rush at the checkout. I love your solution...although I did it by accident. I decided to impulse buy at the checkout and accidentally put them on the wrong side of the divider. The other person had so much stuff...way more than the 10items that they didn't even notice...and neither did I until I was bagging my items. At that point it was too late. As I was leaving I noticed them walking back in with their receipt looking rather disgruntled...oops!

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Comedian Rich Hall coined a term for these people: Express-holes.

Can't stand 'em. One of these days, I'm gonna crack one in the head with the checkstand divider stick.

ScoMan said...

I wold totally give this a shot if i used the express lane. But I don't because I'm never sure how many items I have, and if a bag of apples counts as one item or 10.

LMJ said...

I don't mind if it's someone on a wheel chair or a mom with screaming hungry children who cuts infront of me; but every f____ else needs to go the appropriate line!!

Related Posts with Thumbnails