Day 121--- Harpo

It's that time again... Time to attempt a bash at someone who is more wealthy, more popular, and more famous than me in order to make myself feel better, but hey its been working for me since 1984, no reason to give up now. (You'll notice I didn't mention better looking than me, this will become quite apparent once you find out who I am writing about)... Every person in the world could make fun of this monster and she would not even flinch, so little ol' me is really just in it for the fun of it. When you have enough money to personally buy enough food to feed the entire starving population of Africa, then you buy it and eat it all yourself, you might be Oprah...

There are so many places to start with this woman, but I would be doing her an injustice if I didn't start with the obvious. Her weight... Now, I am aware that weight problems plague our country for many many different reasons, from genetics, to lazy-ness, to the fact that the cheaper more affordable foods are all the unhealthy ones. I have heard and made many excuses, but as far as I am concerned Oprah is not allowed to use any of them... She has enough money to hire personal chefs to make her the tastiest and healthiest meals from any category she would like, shit she could even hire Jenny Craig herself to stand in her kitchen and feed her. But instead she packs on a new 25 pounds every time we turn around... Perhaps she just does the whole roller coaster weight thing in order to sell more of her bullshit magazines, or perhaps she really just can not stay one weight... And what could she possibly be doing all day that would inhibit her from taking a walk, or walking on a treadmill, or hell she could put an entire moving sidewalk in her house and turn the walls into trees if she wanted... So what is the excuse, she cant possibly have that much of a work load... OK 1pm, film show, 2pm get on Segway to avoid too much walking, 3pm eat, 4pm eat again, 5pm nap, 8pm eat, 10pm bed... and then she is right back at it... OK, I'm not an idiot I know there must be more to her life than that, but still with the money she has she can actually create time to work out, heck she could probably create time... Now that I have attacked the super obvious go to sucker punch I am going to go to the slightly less obvious location, the...

Face, come on Oprah, you have more money than entire countries and you wont even grace us with a new face, an upgrade. You are just stubborn like Trump, he knows everyone judges his hair yet he leaves it there to be ridiculed day in and day out by people way less fortunate than he... Yes, I am comparing your face to Donalds hair, I'm poor and bitter, take it like the tran you are... Seriously though, I know she is not the most hideous person out there, but something about her expressions have been haunting me since the late 80's when I first became aware of good and evil... It's those big horse eyes, with the Patrick Ewing nose, followed up by the clown lips... Who am I kidding, she is perfect sugar momma material...

I want to bash her for all these bogus give-aways that she has on her show that make her look like saint "O", but I cant, because she knows how to work the system... Unfortunately she is not as dense as the majority of her viewers. (Take no offense if you watch this show, I have been caught watching it a time or two in my life as well)... But lets be honest, she gets to write off (tax-wise) everything that she "gifts" to her audience, I am assuming my readers were aware of that, but the general public not so much... The thing is that these audience members who take home large prizes like the cars, actually end up having to pay taxes on them, which can sometimes be fairly lofty. So essentially they end up paying for the prize they got that made her look good... Plus, the only reason people watch/go to her show/ or pretend to be her friend is so because they are expecting gifts... OK, maybe that's not entirely true, but it would certainly be the only thing that would make me befriend her.

I cant lie, I am also mad at her for cursing us with Dr. Phil and Tyra... When she just annoyed me on her own show she was much easier to avoid, but now that she has incarnated herself in these two breathing boredom givers I cannot ever forgive her... However I am ashamed to admit, that Dr. Oz is not included on this list, I can stand him, don't tell anyone I said that.

Oprah to me is like the bad guy that you have to beat at the end of a video game... She is like King Koopa, only worse. I really wish she was a bad guy in Grand Theft Auto though so I could just drive by and hit her with my door (I am not a violent person, I promise) (and anyone I have ever been violent towards knows better than to ever say anything)... For years I have wanted to dress up as Oprah for Halloween, but I was too afraid that I would get too into it and shoot myself in the mask, or at least O.D. on diet pills... If Oprah was on fire, of course I would put her out, I don't think she should get out that easy... Oprahs continued popularity will be the only reason I am going to be OK with declining eye sight and hearing in my old age. I would trade 1 Oprah for 2 Rosie O' Donnells, 3 Star Jones', and a bushel of Martha Stewart's, and I would still feel like I was robbing the other person.

Come to think of it I would love to see a fight between Martha Stewart and Oprah. Sure you guys are thinking that Oprah would win no contest, and you are probably thinking that because she is black. But that is racist, and although you are probably right you have to remember that Stewart is a pretty crafty little bitch. I bet you she brings brass knuckles and homemade ninja stars to the bout... What do you think though? If they put this fight up on pay-per-view as a benefit fight, and charged ten dollars per house to watch it, I guarantee we could end world hunger with the amount made. If not world hunger, I say we'd at least be able to put a down payment on what we owe China, instead of paying the minimum payment each month.

Enough is enough...