Day 114--- Speidiman...

Welcome once again to my celebrity Sunday bash... With the amount of stuff in the news over the past week it really should not have been hard for me to choose my victim... However too many options sometimes makes it just as hard... I finally decided to go with a self combined group of semi-celebrity, or reality TV celebrity, Spencer and Heidi, also conveniently going by the name Speidi...

When I though back on my week and remembered seeing them on an episode of Conan I knew that they were the perfect candidates. Honest to God after watching their mini segment I am convinced that if their individual brains were somehow medically fused together that it would still not muster the intelligence of a 6 year old... I have to admit that I have never seen the show that made them "famous", so I really didn't know what to expect when I saw that they were going to be guests on The Tonight Show. Lets just say I got my moneys worth, Conan sat there making fun of them straight to their faces and it did not even register with them. He would say something and they would just sit there with blank stares and sort of giggle... Now, I expect this behavior from a blond female, (stereotypes people) but I had hoped that Spencer would have some redeeming quality, I had heard that he was a douche, but I didn't realize he was a complete moron... He does not even realize that he is a complete tool either, he genuinely thinks that he is one of the smartest guys in Hollywood, who has created his own stardom. So much so that he and his Barbie have even written a book called "How to Be Famous", well thank God they have solved that crisis, I know we were all wondering how they did it... I'm sure that its a great read, I'll get to it as soon as I finish reading "Dianetics" and "The Book of Mormon".

It is not the Mayan calendar that makes me worry that the end is near, it is not the fact that we have a black President that frightens me, I'm not worried about global warming, but the fact that we are printing books penned by, and celebrating the lives of possibly the two most mentasocially handicapped people I have ever seen has me scared shitless. Don't be surprised if you see me running down the street shouting "the sky is falling", because with this kind of shit taking up room at Barnes and Noble, we have clearly entered the first stages of Armageddon... I don't even need to read it to know that there can be nothing of use for anyone inside. I don't even think I could bring myself to wipe my ass with this thing, for fear of what sort of infections disease may have been sprayed on the pages... I wouldn't even give this book to my kids to color on the pages if they had run out of construction paper. I pray nightly for blind people in hopes that they do not make a Braille version, or book on CD version of this catastrophe. I heard that they are actually shipping half of the printed copies to Afghanistan and Iraq and being used in POW camps as torture devices... Being read to the prisoner until they break, the record longest was 4 pages... That is how bad I imagine this book is...

Spencer is like that asshole in high school whose parents had money so he thought that automatically made him cool... However people would always mock him, to his face, and he would just think they were joking. But they weren't joking, Jon, you really are a spoiled douche, I mean Spencer... If money could buy coolness, all of your parents money could not afford you a down payment... Your families entire net worth could not even put your ass on cool layaway... If these two were on fire, and I'd had to pee through an entire Lord of the Rings movie, I would still not piss on them to put them out. Unless somehow mediscientifimagically I could piss out gasoline. Then I'd give em a few little squirts... Seth Green was the guest on the show prior to them so he was still on the couch when they came out... It was funny to watch when the show went to commercial how Seth like turned his back to them to avoid any conversation while staring into the audience, he too had been making fun of them during the taping...

I could continue to explain how utterly useless these two are, but it is actually starting to annoy me, just the thought of them. If you know who they are, you are probably well aware of what I am talking about. If you do not know who they are I urge you to not google or wiki them, it will be a waste of valuable seconds and brain cells... If you want a comparable experience of brain cell loss without the use of them, that is more safe... Stick rubber cement up one nostril, while huffing a can of spray paint with your free nostril, while hanging upside down, then flip back right side up and have someone choke you while you take a deep lungicious bong rip... I swear to you, this is equal punishment.