Day 139--- Thats So Goin On Youtube!!!

I cant believe that it is just a few hours now until 2010. I have been watching those shows all day on VH1 that reminds you of all of the crazy shit that has happened over the past 10 years... These things are so addicting, I have been watching for like 5 hours and I am only at 2005, what a life. I decided to write today about a group of people that is also tied in with something addictive. People who have become famous via Youtube...

I know you guys all have some favorites. We can look back all the way to the Numa Numa Kid, who became famous lip syncing in his mom's basement or videos as recent as the dancing wedding party. Almost every week there is someone else creating their own fame via the Internet, and we are the ones helping them get there. It is pretty crazy how influential the web has become, not shocking but still crazy. I remember when I was in high school we used dial up and the thought of using the Internet for EVERYTHING never seemed this possible. But here I am just ten years later, playing games, watching videos, stealing music, writing a blog, keeping contact with friends, watching TV, and the list goes on. SO I guess that I just wanted to use the last blog of the year to commend some of the people who have used this little thing we call the Internet to create their own fame.

First video. This dude Matt who dances all over the world... I am so jealous, now he is paid to do this.

The Wedding Dance...

Susan Boyle...

Numa Numa Kid...

Star Wars Kid...

OK GO's popular treadmill video...

Another Dancing Fool...


And A mix of the rest...


Those should keep you busy for a while... Let me know if you have any other favorites...

Day 138--- Match.CON...

There are many technologies in the world today that have made normal tasks much easier for humans to complete. Everything from the television remote, to the internet has helped speed up things that we do on a daily basis. But what happens when you combine new technologies and laziness? You get internet daters...

This is what happens when no amount of alcohol or date rape drugs can make you appealing to the opposite sex... I can admit that it may make the whole process quicker, but taking the initial human contact out of meeting someone defeats the whole purpose. The thing about the internet is that you can pretty much be whoever you want... Which is not really fair in the world of dating. Trust me, more than once I found out the hard way when I stumbled onto the set of "To Catch A Predator"... I have always just assumed that these sites were meant for ugly or socially retarded people, but the commercials will lead you to believe that they have have super models waiting to find love on there. I am skeptical because as far as I have witnessed in my life all these people have to do is leave their house and they are offered dates, or at least friendly pokes.

They have found a way through commercials to make these websites such as Match.com and others to look so appealing. Sort of like the penis enlargement commercials that sound so great at first, until they remind you the side affects can also cause you to go blind or lose limbs. They make filling out surveys and finding love sound so easy, I dont know why we have not been doing it this way since the beginning of time. I cant imagine how much money I would have saved knocking out all those dates if I could have just fallen in love via keyboards and monitors... Not to overly offend anyone who may have gone this route in the past, but I just dont think that the internet can give a fair representation of anyone... When you have hours to write back or respond to someone you can seem as witty as me, and that is just not fair.

What type of person does it take to fully commit to online dating? Is it the shy socially awkward person who doesnt even bother to make excuses for why they are on there. Or is it the stay at home single parent who never has time to go out? Maybe it is the gamer addicted to their computer screen that looks to EHarmony to fill the void that no dungeon or dragon can. Perhaps it is the business person who spends 80 hrs a week in the office so the only dating outlet they have is over the internet. I dont know, I can make excuses for these people for hours but it still seems a little too "new fashioned" for me. True maybe I am just an old fashioned, like to see who I am actually talking to kind of guy, but I just say dont fix it if it aint broken.

Funny side-note. While I was writing this, not one but 2 commercials, 1 for Eharmony and the other for Match.com both came on TV. I think it was fate that brought us together today.

Day 137--- Gazuntite...

Since this is the time of year that most people are going to get sick here in the U.S. I have decided to do a blog that I think may be semi helpful in preventing some of these illnesses. Now I am not claiming to have found the fountain of youth by any means but by the end of this post I hope you will be better prepared to dodge a fair amount of sickness this winter season. The people that I have decided to put on blast today are the ones that put the rest of us on blast nearly every time they open their mouths. Of course I am referring to the douchenheimers who do not cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough.

This has to be one of the sickest(literally), grossest, rudest, most annoying things that people in general can do to others. Sure there are other ways to pass on your ailments, but coughing into the air without any form of covering has got to be one of the worst... Seriously over the past couple of weeks I have spent a considerable amount of time out in pulbic, which is where I do a hefty part of my research, and I swear to you 1 out of 3 people don't even try and cover their mouths. Its like they don't want to get their germs on their own hands but it is fine to rocket out their disease upon others within a 20 foot radius. Apparently they didn't have parents that would constantly remind them to "cover your mouth with both hands", I used to get in trouble if I forgot to cover. I mean most people don't go around launching snot rockets into the air, or just plain spitting everywhere, but as far as I am concerned these are basically the same thing. To be truthful, I am overly cautious about germs in general, I'll wash my hands about 50 times a day just to make sure nothing dirty is on me, but I am also only sick about once every 2 years so you can stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

We always laugh at those candid camera episodes that show the people getting "fake" sneezed on and freaking out, but manners in the world must have dropped to an all time low now because we have people who just go around doing that like it was common practice. I plan on putting into effect a form of punishment for these people... It is going to be along the lines of an eye for an eye, if you cough or sneeze on me I just get to spit in your face. Because whether or not you are spitting directly on me those particles will travel into my eye eventually. I bet you anything that these people don't wash their hands after they go to the bathroom either, that is totally their M.O.. We are going to have to re-train these people and show them some manners, but I will need your help, I can't do it alone. So you guys have to be with me on this whole spitting thing, I know it may seem gross or counter-productive at first but its kinda like wiping the dog's nose in his piss, eventually he will learn not to do it inside. Or maybe its more like squirting a cat in the nose with a water bottle when he is scratching the furniture up, either way the methods have been proven. So won't you please join me, I bet if we all started spitting in each others faces, to stop the spread of disease we wont even need to worry about this new health care plan here in the States... Just a thought...

Day 136--- The Early Bird Gets.... Shot...

I am glad to see that no one had any arguments sticking up for those who talk in theaters. They really are the most despicable amongst all creatures. Today I have decided to write about a group of people that I don't necessarily hate, I just don't know how they are what they are. "Morning people".

The words "rise and shine", are not in my vocabulary. I do not understand how people can go to bed at 10 P.M. and wake up before 8... This has not been a regular occurrence for me since I was forced to get up for school on a daily basis... Maybe this is why I have rebelled to the point where my average bed time is 4-5 Am. and if I wake up before noon or 11 I must have plans... I know to the average person with a 9-5 this may seem like something only lazy people do... Which I can understand, but I assure you I can get just as much done when the sun goes down as they can do in the middle of the day. I am pretty much a vampire. Morning people just seem like robots to be, up at the crack of dawn with a coffee and the morning paper, as chipper as someone on 50's TV. This coffee stuff would have to have a gram of crack in it for me to be smiling that much at 7 in the morning... I have almost created this alternate universe where I don't even understand things that go on that early. Like if I have a flight at 8 A.M., I treat that thing like most people do a 4 AM flight... But where they would go to bed earlier to get up in time, I just stay up the extra two hours and get on the flight. At which point I am delirious as can be, every five seconds worrying I've lost something... Really is not the way to travel, but that's how I roll...

If you ever hear me utter the words "good morning" it is very likely that you are sleeping next to me and I had to go pee, or that we've decided to pull an all night-er. I hope and pray that when I get older that I am still able to sleep in, if I start being woken up by my oldness I may just pull my own plug. The number one reason for me not to have a kid at this point in my life is because I don't want to have to wake up early to take care of it, call it what you will at least I can admit it. Same thing with a dog, I'd love to have a dog, but those things like to piss at about 7 or 8 in the morning and as far as I am concerned those times do not even exist. I may as well have a watch made that does not include the hours most people call morning. They would just be a waste of space.

The greatest invention for people like me has got to be breakfast for dinner. How amazing is it that you can sleep past eggs and bacon o clock but still treat yourself to a nice breakfast platter, that is food at its finest... You don't see them reversing the role for those morning people out there do you? You don't see them serving cheeseburgers and beer for breakfast do you?... So this clearly shows who is the more important group. The only sad thing is that McDonalds has not quite boarded this train, their breakfast is heavenly, but not enough to get me up and to a Mickey D's by 10:30... They do not understand how much more money they would make off me if they just served breakfast all day. Oh, I am getting hungry at just the thought.

If you are a morning person, I suggest just being a morning person to yourself. Don't you dare try and influence me and my sleeping patterns. If I want to have a mini hibernation every night I reserve the right. A little 8 hour coma never hurt anybody. I think the next time I live with roommates this question will be on their application... Are you a morning person? Because if you are we will either not get along, or we will never see each other... You guys are not bad people, you are just mislead about when all the excitement happens. The party does not get started until The Tonight Show is over. Enough with this nonsense about the early bird getting the worm, you guys may get the worm, but we had a full steak dinner while you were tucked away. Sorry for the dull life you lead... Honestly I have just been very fortunate that all of my jobs thus far have been either places with night shifts I could cover or places that didn't open til at least 11 ish... I will continue to search these out... In the mean time I will enjoy my sleep while you guys feast on all the worms you want.

Day 135--- Please DO NOT Spoil the Movie By Adding Your Own Soundtrack...

Well, I'd say its high time that I get back to my old self again... And there is certainly no better time to do it. Over the past few days I have encountered something I hate more than anything else, not once, but twice... People who talk during movies...

Let me start off by just saying holy shit. I was so pissed today at these three teens that would not shut up that I was going through visions of me doing everything from pouring my soda on them to waiting outside and going Karate Kid on them... As much as I complain, it is very hard to make me actually angry, but within 10 minutes of Avatar they had succeeded. They were sitting directly behind my girlfriend and I making little remarks the whole way through the previews. As I sat and listened I prayed that it was only temporary. I even waited a good 15 minutes into the movie until I said anything, hoping that they would get it out of their system early. The thing that amazed me, well actually two things, first they were not even whispering, they were just having a conversation like they were sitting at a Starbucks, and second, in a literally packed theater no one else said a word to them. I asked them a few times over the course of the movie to be quiet, I even said please at least one of them, and they just continued. I know you guys probably don't care about details, but I just needed to get it off of my chest. Then on Christmas day my family and I went to see Sherlock Holmes in another packed theater. I just so happened to be sat next to a 50-60 year old woman who found the need to randomly say stuff during the movie. She was not near as bad as these other little f-ers, her talking was not in conversation form, and was much more sporadic. Her favorite line was "there he is", every time Sherlock was gone and then appeared back on screen she felt the overwhelming desire to play captain obvious and announce where he was. Listen lady I'm not playing this on the radio, I don't need a play by play, I can see where he is... It got to the point where I was curious if it was like movie turrets. Like if someone got hit she'd go "oh, that looked like it hurt", or something along those lines. Maybe if I didn't have to pay $30 for a seat a soda and some popcorn I wouldn't be as concerned, but the fact that going to see a movie is as expensive as half of the Broadway shows I have seen I want what I am paying for. A freaking experience void of anything or anyone else. This is not too much to ask for.

What are these assholes thinking? Now I know the stereotype is that most black people talk in movies, which from living in NYC for 5 years I can tell you is pretty true. But let me be the first to tell you that they are not alone. They may yell random shit out, especially in scary movies, but I have never heard them have a full out conversation through an entire movie. There needs to be a rule or a pardon to where I can just donkey punch these people and get back to my movie. Because clearly the words "please be quiet and shut up" do not register to them. Seriously how rude can you be? Now a lot of my blogs are complaints and a lot are just things I witness or people I witness that I like to make fun of. This one seriously goes beyond all of that, I despise these people. There is no reason to be talking while you are supposed to be watching a movie. No reason what so ever. If any of my readers write me a comment disagreeing then we are going to cyber-fight. I would rather have my nipples sewn together than sit through a movie with people talking around me. Some people can drown this stuff out but for me all I can hear is their voices, sorta like with me and hearing snoring.

One of the most amazing things is that the kids parents were there, they just sat there while their kids were chatting a way and didn't say a word. If I was ever even possibly annoying people when I was out with my parents my mom would have just smacked me in my face, with little to no warning. I think with the rising cost of tickets theaters should provide an employee who sits in each theater to do just that. If someone repeatedly keeps talking they just walk up and smack them in the face, or possibly taser them, this will quickly remind them that they are in public. If this position ever becomes a reality you can bet I will be waiting in line to apply. Before I get actually worked up about this again I am going to end this blog, but you guys have to promise me that if you guys ever encounter someone who wont shut up that you dump something on them or hit them, and tell them that its from Ryan. Cheers.

PS. Go see both Avatar and Sherlock...

Day 134--- There You Go...

I hope everyone had a great time of celebration and all that good stuff, now its back to reality. As promised here are a few links to the people who came out and commented when everybody else was waking up from a food coma, in order of which they stopped by. None other than Kiki, Secretia (make sure you are alone when you read this one), LMJ (She's Been Thinking), and of Course good ol ScoMan (go check out his most recent Friday fail). All of your comments are precisely why I love writing everyday, I love how different everyone is in their definition of normal. One of the comments explains that giving animals gifts is merely a way to keep the pet busy while the rest of the family opens their stuff, makes perfect sense. Another comment said that buying them gifts was just to make sure they didn't feel guilty for not getting them a gift. Of course there were one or two people who treat animals like humans anyways so it would be out of the ordinary for them to not have bought the animals gifts... I particularly like ScoMans correlation between buying gifts for a one year old and buying for the house pet. I have often thought why some people will waste/spend so much money on their kid who is not going to know the difference in a few months, or weeks... Besides, at that age you buy a kid hundreds of dollars worth of gifts and you come into the room and they are playing with coasters and the remote anyways.... I think that I should start some sort of service where people can rent toys and crumbled up wrapping paper so that they can take pictures of their kids with it. So in the future when the kid looks back at their childhood pictures they think that they had a normal childhood, (since they cant remember) when really the parents spent the actually gift money on a nice little weekend get away and a babysitter. Hey, it may sound crazy, but in this day and age I think it may work. Who's to say that this hasn't been secretly going on for years anyways, none of us would ever know.

As for buying animals gifts. As much as I make fun of these pet bloggers for being ridiculous with their dogs and cats and such. My family totally bought our dog numerous gifts every year... Nothing spectacular, no strollers or dog Snuggies or anything retarded like that, but plenty of little chew toys and bones and stuff like that. He loved it, honestly smartest dog ever, he knew when there was a tree up he would be getting new stuff... You know how dogs get excited when you mention food, or a walk, or a car ride? He was the same way with Christmas, and yes he could actually open the gifts by about his second or third Christmas, he would hold them down with one paw and then bite or claw at it with his other, I'd even venture to say that he was better at opening them than most one or two year olds. Maybe he was a special case or maybe it was because he was a Christmas gift to us one year, but he loved and appreciated all his new toys. He even used to send out little thank you cards stamped with his paw mark on them. OK that's a lie, but I bet he could have if we would have taught him.

Day 133--- Sorry But I Don't Have Thumbs...

This blog is going to be very abbreviated due to an extremely long, but awesome Christmas day... I hope everyone else who celebrated had just as much fun as I did. I got to spend some much needed time with my family, first Christmas I have gotten to be around them in like 5 years... The only advantage to not having a job... So I am going home with a bag full of presents and an arm sore from Wii, I'd say its been a good trip. I also should recommend to watch the new Sherlock Holmes movie... I am not a movie critic by any means, I don't over analyze movies. I just recommend or do not recommend. And this one I say is worth catching in the theater, which I almost never say with tickets the price they are these days... With that all being said I am going to tell you why today is going to be a rather short blog day.

I decided to write about people who give gifts to their pets as my last "holiday" themed blog. But since Christmas is all about giving, I thought it would be fun to give you guys the opportunity to say what you think without being influenced by my thoughts... So I gave you the the paper and the idea, you give me back the story... Everyone who leaves a comment I will link your blog in tomorrows post and if I can figure out how to do it neatly and nicely I'll feature one or two of my favorite comments... This is mainly because my brain is fried, but also to break up the monotony of you guys having to listen to my opinion every day... Have fun!!!

Day 132--- Rent- A - Santa...

It is now Chistmas Eve and I am with my family (which doesn't happen often enough) so I am going to make this semi quick... Still fulfilling my duty to my blog, while not making my mom mad. I only have one more day of holiday blogs after this, so that is pretty exciting... I decided today for Christmas Eve that we could take a brief glance at the Mall Santa's...

Lets be real for a minute, these guys could either be some of the nicest old white haired men on earth or they could be the sneakiest creepers around. I cant imagine that the pay and the month of work is enough to keep these guys coming back yearly. So what is their story, are they retiree's who just want to make some extra money around the holidays, are they the greeters from Wal-Mart trying to pick up a second job, are they bearded priests who went for a career change, maybe they've recently been fired from their local circus jobs. Whatever the case I just assume there is at least one screw loose that would cause anyone to want to have little kids come and sit on their laps for hours at a time... That's like babysitting every kid you know for five minutes at a time, for what I imagine is not much more than minimum wage... Maybe these are just really friendly old men who just want to keep the Christmas tradition alive, this is the one I am banking on. It really is nice that we have people willing to do things like this, because I cannot imagine that this is a very fun job. This is one of the jobs that I think should be on that show Dirty Jobs... I mean, we all know how often babies spew, how often do you think Rent-A-Nick has to wipe up chuck off of their rented red suits.

If I seem a little bitter its only because none of them would let me sit on their laps after I reached twelve... What kind of message does that send? This is why people in America have such a lack of imagination, we steal the fairy tales away from the kids as soon as we can... The sad thing is that we have no problem breast feeding a kid til he is 8 or pushing around kids in strollers 4 years after they have learned how to walk... There was my little tangent for the day. What happens if all of these Santa's unionize and demand raises, I bet we'd have to give it to them, these days with all the Internet shopping that I can do the only reason I'd step foot into a mall is to have a glimpse at the fat man... And why are some kids so afraid of them? Is it the hat? is it the over abundance of red? Is it the beard? Maybe I will never know, but I am proud to say that I was never one of those kids, I was the one who was ready to go see Santa the day after Thanksgiving. Eventually I realized that there was more than one and convinced myself that they were obviously special helpers outsourced by the North Pole... I was logical enough to realize that Santa could not be in all malls at once, but skipped over the fact that he would have to service about 1 billion kids in over 190 countries in one nigh in flying deer to boot. OK, maybe I was not all that logical, but can you blame me??? I just hope they have fairly extensive background check run on all of these guys, not that those matter these days, but its the thought that counts.

OK, its basically Christmas now. So Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, so on and so forth. Enjoy your day... I'll be back tomorrow.

Day 131--- Beat the Clock...

Another day down and one to go... Since most people are probably busy with family and last minute holiday preparations as I am I'll keep this blog short. It is also going to be very closely related to yesterdays blog. Last minute shoppers.

The fact that I was out today in all of the craziness of the Christmas crowds definitely puts me into this category. I totally felt like a vulture out scavenging the remains left by the on-time shoppers. In my defense I was coming home for Christmas and just got here 2 days ago, so that really didn't leave me much time to shop, but I have joined up with this group in the past. There are plenty of excuses that can be given to be a last minute shopper, but when you think about it there really isn't. Holidays always fall on the same date, as soon as it hits you have an entire year to stock up on gifts. And we all know (at least here in America) that almost every shopping center around counts the Saturdays until Christmas for us so there really is no guesswork in it for us... Every advertisement in our entire country tries to make sure that no one has to be the last one to find something for their special someone. But still 2 days before Christmas it took us a good 15 minutes to find a parking spot at each shopping center. Maybe all these people are just picking out last minute stocking stuffers, but I have a strong suspicion that the majority of these people had just begun their shopping...

Now, last minute shopping does not necessarily mean that these people don't care, but they are certainly the procrastinators of the world. I did notice that the majority of them were men, I imagine out finding that perfect gift for their wives. I guess that is just in our nature, most guys hate going shopping, but then we stupidly put it off until we have to go out in the biggest crowds of all... Well silly us. No one should really feel too bad about last minute shopping though, because there are web sites dedicated to late deals... Which tells me, there are plenty of us out there. Anyways, I cant imagine too many people will be reading this tomorrow, cuz I'm sure most of my readers are gonna be out shopping all day! Kidding.

Day 130--- Well That's One Way to Dodge the Crowd...

Hello again. Don't worry only a few more Holiday themed blogs and then I'll be back to my old self... I hope these have been semi enjoyable, I imagine that pretty much everyone whether they celebrate Christmas or not can attest to knowing most of these people... Today's group of people is probably going to be one of the smaller groups but I can assure you that they are out there... I am talking about the people who try and get all of their Christmas shopping done in the middle of the summer...

These people are the extreme non-procrastinators of the world, these were the kids in your class growing up that were finishing their book reports before you had even started your book. Or for me before I watched the movie and b.s.'d my way through it... I know the book is never like the movie, but according to most of my grades the movies must at least be 85-90% like the book... These are the people that actually did their summer reading... No, I don't know why I am relating this to books, but I am glad you joined me on that little journey... I cant really make fun of people for being on top of things, at least not this time... I wonder if they have much trouble hiding things for like 5 months. Or maybe even forget where they do, that reminds me of the scene from Christmas Vacation where Clark finds the present he had hid in the attic from years earlier... To be truthful though I can find a way to relate everything in my life to that movie.

There may have been a time or two in my life that I have bought a gift for someone in the summer with the intentions of it lasting until Christmas, but I don't think it has ever made it that long... I'll either just cave and give it to them early, I hate waiting on surprises for very long, or if it is something that I would like myself, I usually will just keep it for me and get them something different. I am very good at convincing myself why I may need things more than someone else does, which is silly because if I ever buy something that early it is only because I think it will be perfect for a specific person... Life goes on though.

Some people claim that they shop that early to avoid the huge crowds. This is probably the most legit excuse out there, but as much as I hate waiting in line and all that I think crowds of people fighting over the last few popular items is part of the fun of Christmas. What would Christmas be without the fist fight at Wal-Mart over the last tickle me Elmo. The sad thing is I'm sure this type of stuff happens at Wal-Mart year round... The smart thing about shopping early, if you have predicted popularity trends early, is that you can sometimes sell what you've bought for quite a profit. For instance, I was just looking online for this Dexter Calendar that I was going to buy my brother, and probably one for myself too. Well, they have sold out and now people are selling these $10 calendars for $45 plus shipping... I wish I would have bought like ten of those a couple months ago when I saw them at the store...

I have this view that most of the people who shop this early are old people shopping in the Bingo off-season, but I could be wrong... I just cant imagine who is that far ahead in their daily lives to be thinking Christmas when they are sweating wearing tank tops and shorts. But once again I am not going to judge their drive... Plus I imagine that with as fast as time has started to fly for me at 25 the middle of July may just feel like Christmas Eve to them... Makes sense theoretically.

Whatever the case may be I give these early bird shoppers two thumbs up for being ahead of the game... Its the last minute shoppers like myself that you really have to worry about...

Deck the Halls...

PS. Miss you lovebug.

PSS. Ya, I said it.

Day 129--- To: Gift Card Gifter...

Another day closer to Christmas and I still have not finished my Christmas shopping... In my defense though I was flying back to Arizona for Christmas and didn't feel like paying $940.00 for an extra bag... That is what they are charging these days right?... So like I've mentioned a few times over the couple days I am trying to keep with a holiday Christmassy theme... I think you guys will all admit that although they may not all be as hilarious as normal, at least I am being a lot nicer, trust me this is temporary :)... Today I have decided to go with the group of people who feel that the gift card is a proper replacement for gifts.

Seriously this is the ultimate show of laziness, I am not saying I am surprised, I am simply stating a fact... Now, I have to admit that I would rather get a gift card than an empty card, but I think that's just a given. The point is that the whole concept of gift cards just screams lack of thought and care... I understand giving them away as prizes for an office raffle, because you have to give out stuff that pleases a large crowd. But buying your entire family gift cards to Target really just says "shit, I forgot Christmas is in 2 days, well, I'm here in line at Target, I'll just buy 13 gift cards and finish all my shopping in 2 minutes"... If you are going to go the lazy route you may as well just give out cash, because then at least you are not narrowing my shopping options to Target. I think that these people may be under the false impression that giving away cash is less thoughtful than giving gift cards. I'll explain why this is not true. If you give me cash at least I know that you thought enough to not narrow my options to one store. Even with all of the acting lessons I have had over the course of my life it is still hard for me to act excited about a gift card to a store that I'd never go to. This ends up being the gift that sits in my wallet almost until next Christmas, I remember having a $15 Sam Goody (OVER-priced music store) gift card in my possession for nearly a year. First of all, and not to sound like a dick, but $15 will barely buy you a movie poster at this place, the Cd's are like $22.99, a DVD is like $40.00 clearly when you bought me this gift card you thought that this would be a perfect place for me to buy some of the candy and soda's that they sell at the front of the store. Honestly, I think I saved that gift card until I had a friends birthday to shop for and I just put it toward their gift at that store... That is how resourceful I am... Then I probably spent the $15 in cash that the use of this gift card freed up on myself.

Gifting gift cards is almost as close to the un-originality of giving away candles. I have to admit though, growing up being friends with mostly girls I did buy a candle or two in my day, but to be fair most girls love candles right. It was either candles or oven mitts and dish gloves. Kidding... Another downside about giving gift cards is the fact that you cannot really disguise how cheap you actually are, or how little you want to spend... This is a huge reason I have refrained from giving these away... I am much more able to make something I got for dirt cheap seem like it was pretty expensive than I am able to make a $10 gift card look like a $20 gift card. Remember gift cards don't go on sale, but the rest of the stuff I may be looking at to give away does, either that or the Internet is a great way to trick people into thinking you've spent more than you really have... But don't take my word for it... *cough* Amazon *cough*...

So let this be a lesson to all of you who have made gift cards your lazy gift of choice over the past few years... Put a little more thought into the gift, and just to be safe get a gift receipt, if we don't like it we can always fake it at first and go take the gift back when you are not around. If you really are just the lazy type, then go with cash, sure it may appear less thoughtful, but in the case of cash I can do all of the thinking that you didn't want to do... Have fun shopping!

Day 128--- He Sees You When You're Sleeping...

Someone un-followed me. Rude. What did I do to them? This reminds me how thankful I am for those of you who read my non-sense daily, I really do appreciate it :), if it were not for you guys I may be tempted to start posting pictures of animals on my page to draw in that whole crowd... If you have not noticed we are here at yet another celebrity Sunday... Too soon to bring up Brittany Murphy? Kidding, sad story, especially this time of year. Instead I decided to stick with the current holiday theme and talk about someone we have all heard of. Santa Claus.

Obviously I have no real beef with the guy. It is pretty sweet that he flies around the world in one night providing gifts for all of the children whose parents can afford his visit... All he requires is that you leave him milk and cookies to fuel him on his long journey, or possibly carrots and water if he happens into any boring vegan household. This dude has quite the set up, flying reindeer, elves, and a giant factory filled with toys. He only has to work one day a year, maybe a few random days for inspections, but the rest of the time he probably spends next to a fire, with a never ending glass of egg nog, playing Call of Duty 4 on PS3. As far as I am concerned being born into the Claus' would be even better than being born royalty. The only downside is that it must be pretty freaking cold at the North Pole, sure he has space heaters and fires galore, but this really cannot help the temperature outside. I guess you have to take the good with the bad though.

If I ever get the chance to apply for the job, and somehow miraculously get it, first thing I would do is change the outfit... Sure it was cool in the 1900's, but I really think something needs to be done about all that red. I can dig the beard, although it may be pretty itchy at first I think I could get used to it... I'd see if I could potential switch up the meal plan as well, places I visit first should set out slices of pizza and Red Bull to keep me going through the night, then towards the end cookies and milk would do just fine. Although I probably should request Lactaid Free, or things could get a bit... smelly. Also this is almost 2010, I've gotta do something about this whole chimney situation, that just seems so old fashioned, I am sure that the back door should be just fine from now on... This is why I keep checking Craigslist and waiting for the job posting, the way I see it he has to retire sometime soon.

Honestly though. I miss Santa. I said it, I am not ashamed, when I was little Santa was the coolest thing all year. I was one of those kids who just bought the shit out of the whole thing... My parents were good, like we would go to bed Christmas night and there were like the 10-15 standard presents under the tree from my parents and family and what not. Then Christmas morning we would come into the room and barely be able to move there were so many gifts... I tried to be skeptical, I used to search the house for gifts prior to Christmas day and I never found anything, to this day I still have no clue where my parents hid stuff. I feel like I would finally pass out at like 4 in the morning and be awakened by my excitement alarm at like 6 am... Run into the family room and just think how the hell is this possible... I'm talking like desks and basketball hoops and bikes, things that they could just not hide... So needless to say I was duped. If it hadn't been for that asshole kid my freshman year of high school I may still be a believer. I think it is awesome that there is just like this worldwide joke that we play on kids and they believe it no matter how ridiculous the story is... I cant wait til I have kids just so I can test out a few stories that I have been working on over the years...

Whether you are someone who celebrates Christmas or not you really do have to tip your hat to the whole Santa bit. I would have loved to have been there when the whole idea was being thought up, and then have myself fast forwarded to today. We are so great at commercializing everything, I need to invent a holiday...

Day 127--- We Wish You... Would Get Down From There...

In keeping with the holiday theme that I selected for the next week I thought that it would only be fitting to bring up the office party freaks and creeps, who can either be the same person or a few different people...

If you have ever held a job at any establishment that throws a holiday party, or these days so cleverly described as an end of the year party then you have surely ran into a few of these types of co-workers... The fun part about them is that you never quite know who it is going to be, unless of course it is you who plans to get shitty on nog and try and make out with everyone you work with... I think people often forget that this is only the end of the year, not the end of the company, you are still going to have to see these people on Monday morning when you go back to work... Never has there been a better walk of shame than coming back into work having to face all of the people that you drunkenly molested who also later had to clean up your puke from the venue... This is one reason to not pre-game prior to a place that is going to provide free booze anyways. Maybe you had planned to tell your office crush about your undying love at this party so you thought a couple shots while you were getting ready would be smart... But clearly you didn't factor in the gallon of egg nog and 3 drinks with peppermint schnapps that you planned on guzzling before you even said hi. You also must not have realized that during your first karaoke song you would some how wind up climbing on to peoples tables and giving them lap dances, but we should all know this is what happens when you start out with a Lady Gaga song... It is never smart to be the drunkest in a room full of drunk people, because they are just drunk enough to not tell you to stop making an ass of yourself and just sober enough to watch and judge you... And if they are lucky they are just sober enough to capture it all on some sort of video crowning you the newest office Youtube celebrity....

Like I said before we really never know who is going to be this person, but if you have been to enough of these you know that it is going to be someone... It may be the guy who already craves attention at the office, which is clearly not as fun. However if you are lucky it may be the quiet receptionist or secretary that you would never expect who ends up dancing on the bar by 10:30. Let me quickly clarify the difference between freak and creep here in the office party setting... If the person who is losing it and dancing all over everyone trying to make out with anything they can get their hands on happens to be a guy, then this person is a creep. But if the person doing all of this happens to be the hot secretary they are classified as a freak, don't be offended, this is sexism in the workplace at its best. Guys are used to it. How do you spot this person early on in the night? I imagine there are a few ways, first, when you first say hi to them as they come in they already either have a glazed look on their face or they have alcohol on their breath. They are the ones who hover around the punch bowl, with a glass that always looks to be full, yet they are always drinking out of it... They are the ones who come but into a conversation but then have nothing to say so they just sit there sort of swaying back and forth. They are the first to put their name in for karaoke when it is mentioned. They are the first to start talking to the Christmas tree while trying to open the fake presents underneath it. They are the ones who brought their own mistletoe. They are the first to undress the fake Santa in the corner and dress up in his costume running around trying to convince people to sit on their lap... These are just a few examples, I am sure you can think of more.

So this week as some of you are going to your holiday parties try and keep your personal embarrassment to a minimum. Remember that you still are going to have to show up to work Monday morning and face these people once again, and chances are that they will not forget as much about the party as you do. Keep your hands and vomit to yourself. Try not to climb on things, refrain from wearing any of the Christmas decorations... And if you are really plastered stay away from your boss, you don't want to say anything that may give them a reason to not allow you back to work... I have included 2 short videos, they are not the funniest things out there, but I figured they were worthy of the blog.

Day 126--- Griswold Family Christmas...

Lets get right to the point... I have mixed reactions about the people who over decorate their houses for the holidays.

And I will be glad to tell you the reasoning behind this statement. First of all, because they are the people that cause the stores to sell out of all of the really cool icicle looking lights... Therefore leaving my family and I stuck every year with the old school boring lights... The way my family procrastinates we are lucky if they still have any of the blinking ones left by the time we decide to decorate... Ya, I am blaming them, when really we are the tards who decide to decorate basically on Christmas Eve, but hey we are also the ones that leave them up until sometime in February... At which point they become Superbowl decorations or Presidents Day decorations, some years I bet you we could have come dangerously close to using them as Easter lights... No one else thought of that... Another small quarrel I have with these people is that they make the rest of the decently decorated houses, such as mine look like a 9 year old decorated it.... Its like entering an art major in a drawing competition with a bunch of 4th graders, it just is not fair to the rest of us... I'm not hating on the people that have a few strands of lights and a manger scene in their yard, I am on that team... But I mean the people who have Santa, his sleigh, and all of the reindeer on the roof, with the Grinch next to him pretending to steal the gifts, then a life sized statue of Scrooge, then in the yard they have a manger scene with life size figurines and a Jesus that cries, they have even managed to find real hay. Then each window of their house they have set up to look like they were the windows at Saks 5th Ave., they have 3 different snow men all decorated differently, and everything else that you may be able to think of that I could not... These over achieving Griswolds that are just out to make the rest of us look like a bunch of losers.

OK, now the flip side... I also love these people because they give me something fun and festive to look at... I can take a ride around the neighborhood and see what people with no life have time to set up in their yards... I'm generally very curious where they keep everything during the year... We kept our fake tree in the garage and our 3 car became a 2 car. I cant imagine what these people are doing with their entire exhibit. I really do enjoy seeing this stuff though because like I said, as I get older Christmas has slowly started to lose its luster. I think being away from family for the past 3 or 4 years has not helped that, but also the whole not opening presents from Santa changes things... As far as I am concerned he is still out there, I have just been naughty for the past 10-15 years...

Anyways, I hope all of you guys are the creative ones who plaster your houses with millions of strands of lights... I hope you have soooo many lights on your house that next month your electric bill is 4 times what it normally is, all in the name of Christmas!!!

I decided to include a few videos for your viewing pleasure. Jingle Bells...

Day 125--- Ding Dong Ding Dong...

Welcome to another day at the fun house... No I have not changed the name of my blog, that is just today's working title... Since we are just a week out from Christmas now I have decided to try and keep the next 8 or so blogs as closely related to Christmas or the Holiday season as I can... Which is why today I have decided to write about Christmas Carolers...

Now before you start getting all up in arms about my selection I will warn you that I really have nothing bad to say about these guys... I have nothing bad to say because they have never come to any of the houses I have lived in. As far as I am concerned these so called Carolers are musical unicorns. They may as well be riding around in the sleigh with Santa because they are certainly not Jingle Belling down my street... I wonder though, knowing our country it may be illegal at this point to Carol in the streets, or at least upgraded to not-politically correct... I mean just because someone wants to sing Rudolph the red nose reindeer on your yard does not mean that you need to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior people... Put the DVR on pause and go toss them some candy canes... I think I am just bitter because I feel like the joys of Christmas seem to disappear or at least lessen as I get older... I'm still pissed off at my mom for ruining the whole Santa thing for me, I could do without the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, but Santa, I mean they put Santa on the Coke bottles. He has to be real... OK let me get back on track here, Christmas Carolers, where have you guys run off too? I just watched a full season of "Glee" and the first few episodes of the "Sing Off". I know people are still interested in singing... So why wont someone come do it in my yard???

Is this really too unreasonable? There has to be some local school or local church that is forcing its people to dress up like they were in Les Mis and gallivant up and down the streets spreading Christmas joy. Or was this indeed something that was only ever done in the movies? Was I really fooled into believing that someday I would have a happy go lucky bunch of do-gooding strangers using my sidewalk as their stage in my own private production of the Nutcracker... Christmas is supposed to be about giving and still 25 years into my existence I have yet to be given the gift of Christmas Carolers. I feel like I have been robbed of part of the Christmas experience that I have been sold by the movies. How about the rest of you? Have any of my readers ever had the good fortune to have their own set of carolers? I promise I wont be mad, but I may show up at your house to see how joyous the situation must be.

Lets be honest though, next to the Publishers Clearing House showing up to your door with a million dollar check is there really anyone else you would rather see out there? I mean they may be selling you religion like the J-hovas or the the Morms, but at least they strap some fancy melodies to it and don't force their way into your house. They are like the Trojan horses of religious delivery, go Christians!... Really I am just a sucker for the Carol of the Bells song, you could show up on my doorstep in the middle of May and sing this too me and I'd still be as happy as a clam... *Hint Hint*... So, in conclusion, you guys share with me any stories of carolers that may have made it out your way... I need to see if these people really exist or not!

Home Alone - Carol of the Bells - Click here for the most popular videos

Day 124--- Ro-Sham-Bo...

It is funny how the most important story on the news in America is almost always about some celebrity's personal life. Which is why I decided to start off today's post with a popular picture that has been passed around. I figured it was both festive and informative, so i hope you did as well... As far as my 124th topic is concerned I have decided to go with another fairly popular group of people, the one's who always want to play rock, paper, scissors, to determine a winner for things...

OK, you got me this is not a hugely popular group, but there are no doubt a few of these people left out there... I seem to remember the popularity of this game dying off for my friends and I in about 5th grade when we realized that there were far less diplomatic ways to determine winners for certain things. Apparently someone decided to resurface this fun hand-held game within the past few years because it became very popular once again amongst college aged kids. The grown up version I was most recently exposed to was repackaged as Ro-Sham-Bo, same rules different day... The name change is definitely what caused such a huge comeback, similar to Prince, The Rock, or Puff Daddy re-inventing themselves. Ro-Sham-Bo could now identify with the much more sophisticated college frat boys... The rules are as follows:

Now that we have cleared up some of the history and the rules, lets talk about who actually plays the game... As I said before, it has historically been known as a pre-pubescent game played perhaps to see who gets to go down the slide first or who gets to use the taller drinking fountain. However the game has evolved into something much more than it was originally intended for. It is typically used as a selection game similarly to flipping a coin, thumb war, or pulling sticks, it is the perfect solution when necessary props for one of the previous games are not handy. The game is traditionally more popular among the male species ages 5-13 and 19-26, it is not limited to these ages but this is where the popularity is most concentrated. It is played most often by those who are highly competitive and who like to turn everything into a game. For them the simple task of picking what is for dinner could turn into a small game of rock-paper-scissors. They typically become so obsessed with the game that nothing can be decided in their daily routines without a ro-sham-throw down... I have met people like this who are not satisfied unless they have won a bout, I liken this to people in the old days who liked to have small competitions or sword fights to determine things. We have always been a people of competition and of proving ourselves, they just want to carry this tradition on as much as possible...

To be honest with you when I started this blog I intended it to be a quick filler to cap off a long day, but after a small amount of research my eyes have been opened to the wondrous world of rock-paper-scissors... I bet you did not know that there has been a world wide competition to find the best ro-sham-bo'er our there, unsurprisingly Canada has won all but 2 years since its inception. After spending about 20 to 30 minutes on the wiki page for this sport I am both embarrassed and amazed. We will consider anything a sport these days, anything for some good old fashioned competition I guess... I wonder how long these guys have to train for these championships, I guess as guys we are pretty much used to the specific motion needed to be successful... I bet Edward Cullen and his mind reading would be awesome at this... hobby. Shockingly I did not see one females name on the entire Wikipedia page, from top to bottom, seems like the ladies pretty well distance themselves from the sport. Keep that in mind, I'd stay away from using this as a way to impress your new crush.

Until next time... Rock, Paper, Scissors, shoot!

Day 123--- Mall Kiosk Maulers...

I cannot believe that there are only 10 more days until Christmas... I remember as a kid the days of December would drag by like the last hour at work now does... We had one of those calendars that you would eat the candy out of each day until Christmas day, I often wanted to cheat and eat ahead, not because I cared about the candy but because I hoped that it would cause Christmas to come faster. No, I was not retarded, I was just impatient, crafty, and watched too many movies... Now here we are as adults and the days fly by, typically so fast that we are not prepared for Christmas day until its Eve... Speaking of time flying by this past year has been wild for me... A year ago I was capping off my 4th year or so living in NYC, waiting tables in Times Square, and all that good stuff. Followed that up by just under six months living in Maui, Hawaii, to those thinking about moving to paradise I would suggest keeping it a vacation spot. I then traveled around in Australia for about a month which was beyond words, I cannot wait to get back down there, hopefully with my girl next time... Then I was back in NY for about a month just to save up some money for another move across the country to LA... I was out in Hollywood for a good two months when I realized that I was dreading owning a car, and the fact that I got fired from the job I was transferring to LA with put a little bit of a damper on my springing and purchasing a car... I ventured away from Cali in early November to check out some other temporary options and have now found myself slumming it up in Milwaukee... Certainly never thought I would see myself in the Mid-West, but as I said before this is temporary... And it is cheap as can be, I can rent for an entire year here on about a month and a half of my NYC's rent... And I still don't need a car, oh and the fact that my lovely girlfriend goes to school here does not hurt... Anyways now that I have bored/updated you on my life I guess we can proceed with today's topic... Mall kiosk workers... Oh you know the ones I am talking about...

Those needy salespeople that will chase you a hundred feet trying to get you to test out and hopefully purchase their product... Obviously this time of the year is the worst, as my girlfriend and I walked through the mall yesterday we had a very desperate gentleman practically chase us to the food court because he wanted to try out his hair straightener on my girlfriend... His sales pitch was anything but creepy, no that's not true, everything about him was creepy... He looked like the black vampire from Twilight had straightened his hair and took a cover job working in the mall... He even stared us down like he was going to hunt us down if we did not buy his product... Getting away was like trying to end a conversation with a door greeter from Wal-Mart, and Lord knows those people love to talk...

I understand that these people probably work on commission which obviously is their incentive for pushing the items so hard core, but apparently the line between selling and annoying has become quite a bit thinner as I have gotten older... Also thinning as I age would be my interest in the tacky carts strewn out about the malls, if you are not selling items that are interesting enough to be sold in the big boy stores then your items are clearly not popular enough for me to purchase... I see that you are selling 18 different colored weaves, but I'm not really in the market for a new one just yet, but when I am I assure you that I will not be looking for one off of some cart... I feel like I am not even allowed to glance in the general direction of these carts anymore, if the employee and I catch eye contact I have to react quickly with the body language that shows how uninterested I am. Because if I don't I have about 3 seconds to get out of reach before they in pursuit. If they catch me they throw out their little 30 spiel to convince my tight-wad-ass that I need a Bump-It for my hair, once they realize I am a male, with dignity, they quickly shift gears to gift mode. Some woman in my family must need a Bump-It right? (If you don't know what one of these things is you need to find the infomercial and have a laugh)... I assume people actually wear these things, but I certainly would never want to contribute to that misfortune.

Now, I am not a complete idiot, I do imagine that there is some product for sale on one of the mall kiosks somewhere in the world, but as long as you have the desperate used car salesman chasing me around the mall like a dog in heat I can promise you I will not buy. And I hate to be superficial, (actually I don't) but if you do not fit the part it is a definite no no for me. For instance, some fat old man trying to sell workout DVD's (doesn't really seem like this product works very well), Some pizza faced teenager selling skin care products (all of a sudden Pro-Activ is looking a lot better), or vampire looking black dudes selling hair straighteners (obvious), maybe its just me but I am a visual learner and a very logical thinker so rarely will I buy something from someone who does not seem like they would use what they are selling themselves... Regardless, since it is of course the Christmas season I do wish all of these people the best, cheers to them and their sales quotas. However when January rolls around and I can once again parade through the mall without being mauled by the cart zombies I will certainly smile a little wider...

Day 122--- Find Your Own Salvation...

First of all I just want to have a round of applause for anyone who had anything to do with the show "Dexter", I don't care if you have never seen the show, you are reading my blog so I suggest you do as I say... Seriously though, last night just capped off season 4 with another extremely thrilling finale... Honestly though I am so obsessed with the show the finale could have sucked balls and I still would have loved it... If you have never seen the show, I suggest you find it wherever you can and buy it... I could go into hours of detail trying to sell you on it, but I say just watch one or 2 episodes and you will be sold yourself.

Now that my little Dexter plug is done with we can move on with today's topic... Since I was at the mall all day, getting into the Christmas spirit I have decided that today's blog is going to be mainly nice. At least that is the plan as of right now, we will see how it turns out... The group that I have chosen to write about is are the lovely Salvation Army Bell Ringers...

Now, besides the obvious annoyance/public disturbance that they create I believe that these people are doing a fairly good deed... Now, I have not researched at any great length to find out if they are paid, or volunteer, or what sort of screening process they have to go through, but as far as I am concerned, bravo. Now, I would imagine these people must be volunteers because I doubt their little buckets are making more than minimum wage in these hard economic times... And it doesn't seem to make much sense to pay people more than they are making... Unless they are taking a page out of the U.S. Governments cash flow model... So for the sake of this blog they are full on volunteers. Now, this makes them either some of the nicest or some of the dumbest people on the planet. I walked out of the mall today into an 18 degree, snowy, windy Wisconsin night and there smiling at my side was a 50-65 year old man ringin that bell like it was going out of style... Not only was he ringin it like his life depended on it but he was basically smiling ear to ear... Granted at this point the smile was probably frozen there, but still, if this was my job I'd be flipping people off and spitting at them left and right with the biggest scowl you've ever seen... Its not that I don't like helping out, but I think my bell ringing skills are worth a tid bit more than the $3.75 in change that people will be throwing in during an average hour...

Where do they find the people who are excited about doing this? Certainly not near any music schools. I wish they would at least screen for people with some sense of rhythm and tempo. Heck I may even put in a whole dollar sometime if I feel the slightest bit entertained... Honestly even if they looked like they were attempting a song I could throw in a greenback. I wonder if these people are forced to do this as some sort of community center punishment that we don't know about. During the summer they pick up trash and during the winter they are forced to dress up like Sanny Claus and ring a bell... This would actually make sense, while making me feel less safe at the same time. Actually they are probably just put there for the guilt factor, they are the human version of those Christian Children's Fund commercials. I can walk past an empty donation pail without batting an eye, but if some old man is out in the freezing cold jingling his bell I am a little more inclined to drop something in. The power of guilt is amazing isn't it?...

So, I think this is a decent stopping point for today... I don't think I was too mean and I think I made it obvious that I actually respect these guys, even though they are typically terrible bell-ers... I say next time you are passing one, even if you are not going to drop in some change, say hi... I cant imagine how boring and lonely they are standing out there, so I usually try and say at least a few words to let them know I sympathize... If you are feeling really good about life maybe even drop something in, you're not stupid you know it always feels better to give than to receive (Mutters Elton John)... Man I'm bossy...

Day 121--- Harpo

It's that time again... Time to attempt a bash at someone who is more wealthy, more popular, and more famous than me in order to make myself feel better, but hey its been working for me since 1984, no reason to give up now. (You'll notice I didn't mention better looking than me, this will become quite apparent once you find out who I am writing about)... Every person in the world could make fun of this monster and she would not even flinch, so little ol' me is really just in it for the fun of it. When you have enough money to personally buy enough food to feed the entire starving population of Africa, then you buy it and eat it all yourself, you might be Oprah...

There are so many places to start with this woman, but I would be doing her an injustice if I didn't start with the obvious. Her weight... Now, I am aware that weight problems plague our country for many many different reasons, from genetics, to lazy-ness, to the fact that the cheaper more affordable foods are all the unhealthy ones. I have heard and made many excuses, but as far as I am concerned Oprah is not allowed to use any of them... She has enough money to hire personal chefs to make her the tastiest and healthiest meals from any category she would like, shit she could even hire Jenny Craig herself to stand in her kitchen and feed her. But instead she packs on a new 25 pounds every time we turn around... Perhaps she just does the whole roller coaster weight thing in order to sell more of her bullshit magazines, or perhaps she really just can not stay one weight... And what could she possibly be doing all day that would inhibit her from taking a walk, or walking on a treadmill, or hell she could put an entire moving sidewalk in her house and turn the walls into trees if she wanted... So what is the excuse, she cant possibly have that much of a work load... OK 1pm, film show, 2pm get on Segway to avoid too much walking, 3pm eat, 4pm eat again, 5pm nap, 8pm eat, 10pm bed... and then she is right back at it... OK, I'm not an idiot I know there must be more to her life than that, but still with the money she has she can actually create time to work out, heck she could probably create time... Now that I have attacked the super obvious go to sucker punch I am going to go to the slightly less obvious location, the...

Face, come on Oprah, you have more money than entire countries and you wont even grace us with a new face, an upgrade. You are just stubborn like Trump, he knows everyone judges his hair yet he leaves it there to be ridiculed day in and day out by people way less fortunate than he... Yes, I am comparing your face to Donalds hair, I'm poor and bitter, take it like the tran you are... Seriously though, I know she is not the most hideous person out there, but something about her expressions have been haunting me since the late 80's when I first became aware of good and evil... It's those big horse eyes, with the Patrick Ewing nose, followed up by the clown lips... Who am I kidding, she is perfect sugar momma material...

I want to bash her for all these bogus give-aways that she has on her show that make her look like saint "O", but I cant, because she knows how to work the system... Unfortunately she is not as dense as the majority of her viewers. (Take no offense if you watch this show, I have been caught watching it a time or two in my life as well)... But lets be honest, she gets to write off (tax-wise) everything that she "gifts" to her audience, I am assuming my readers were aware of that, but the general public not so much... The thing is that these audience members who take home large prizes like the cars, actually end up having to pay taxes on them, which can sometimes be fairly lofty. So essentially they end up paying for the prize they got that made her look good... Plus, the only reason people watch/go to her show/ or pretend to be her friend is so because they are expecting gifts... OK, maybe that's not entirely true, but it would certainly be the only thing that would make me befriend her.

I cant lie, I am also mad at her for cursing us with Dr. Phil and Tyra... When she just annoyed me on her own show she was much easier to avoid, but now that she has incarnated herself in these two breathing boredom givers I cannot ever forgive her... However I am ashamed to admit, that Dr. Oz is not included on this list, I can stand him, don't tell anyone I said that.

Oprah to me is like the bad guy that you have to beat at the end of a video game... She is like King Koopa, only worse. I really wish she was a bad guy in Grand Theft Auto though so I could just drive by and hit her with my door (I am not a violent person, I promise) (and anyone I have ever been violent towards knows better than to ever say anything)... For years I have wanted to dress up as Oprah for Halloween, but I was too afraid that I would get too into it and shoot myself in the mask, or at least O.D. on diet pills... If Oprah was on fire, of course I would put her out, I don't think she should get out that easy... Oprahs continued popularity will be the only reason I am going to be OK with declining eye sight and hearing in my old age. I would trade 1 Oprah for 2 Rosie O' Donnells, 3 Star Jones', and a bushel of Martha Stewart's, and I would still feel like I was robbing the other person.

Come to think of it I would love to see a fight between Martha Stewart and Oprah. Sure you guys are thinking that Oprah would win no contest, and you are probably thinking that because she is black. But that is racist, and although you are probably right you have to remember that Stewart is a pretty crafty little bitch. I bet you she brings brass knuckles and homemade ninja stars to the bout... What do you think though? If they put this fight up on pay-per-view as a benefit fight, and charged ten dollars per house to watch it, I guarantee we could end world hunger with the amount made. If not world hunger, I say we'd at least be able to put a down payment on what we owe China, instead of paying the minimum payment each month.

Enough is enough...