1.31.2010

Day 162--- Fanseussicaltastimazing...


VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE

The lot made for parking is riddled with cars,
in the last place on earth you will ever see stars

Parade through the door past the wrinkled old greeter,
don't forget the pink sticker for that broken bird feeder

With the appearance of a homeless shelter and scent of Depends,
don't be alarmed this is how any trip to Wal-Mart begins

You head to the service desk avoiding collision,
passing the McDonald's and that store for eye vision

Returned that old feeder, now gift card in hand,
Finally free to roam cheap-o land

The sights and the sounds; overwhelming and spectaculating,
Especially that guy in the fitting room maste*bating

If this were Target he'd surely been fired,
but here at old Wal-Mart this is how you get hired

So many people, this place they infest
Did you know they got rid of those ugly blue vests?

Back to the mission a bird-feeder we need,
Oh wait, electronics, gotta check the Cd's

Forget it Wally World bleeps all the cuss words,
plus you really need a feeder for all those birds

Back on the search, but then you pass toys,
made by all the little Chinese girls and boys

Barbie's, board games, Avatars, LEGO's,
puzzles, Star Wars, and buckets of Play-Doh

Thousands of memories and hours of fun,
have once again distracted you from the job to be done

Press onward to garden, past the rakes and lawn gnomes,
towards the little bird feeders on the aisle with bird homes

Finally you make it, when shizlinkenstein "no!",
Some old man grabbed the last one just seconds ago
You beg and you plead for that thing that you need,
but his greed is the proof you will never succeed

"Would you let me have that feeder?"
"Could you let me I cant ask sweeter?"

"Can I have it? I won't ask twice?",
"OK, I will, but I'm asking real nice"

"May I have it for a trade?"
"pretty please with sugar and pink lemonade?"
Yes, I know that sounded gay,
but what do you say? Can I have it today?

He laughs in your face and then spits in your eye,
Oh now its on, this old man must die

You reach for his hair and pull back a wig,
For a fight that started off small, it's sure getting big

Employees surround and chant out his name,
apparently you've challenged a greeter who's risen to fame

One punch, two punch, three punch, four,
One more punch you're on the floor

On the floor and now your bleeding, this is what you get for pleading,
loving birds, and feeding seeding; a bloody nose and quite a beating

The employees scram and leave you alone,
Should have just exchanged for a silly lawn gnome

One of those creepy things for the front of your home,
(yes, you're close to the end of the poem)

No luck today at the smiley-face store,
but this wont be your last trip to the land of the poor.

Always..............

1.28.2010

Day 161--- Curse of the Channel Changer..


Hello again friends... I hope that everyone has had a swell day thus far, and if you are just beginning your day when you read this I hope that it is nice from here on out... Now, that I have gotten the formalities out of the way it is time to introduce the character of the day... The constant channel changer, almost every family has one...

If you have ever sat down with a group of people in front of the TV and not been in charge of the remote, you have no doubt had to put up with the likes of one of these people... They always manage to keep a show on just long enough for me to get into it and then before you know it they are on to a different channel... Usually with some snide remark about the show that I had just become unknowingly attached to... As they sit there surfing through the channels all I can think is what I am now missing back on the first channel... Even if the first stop was an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air that I have seen 20 times.

I cant imagine what these people would have don't pre-remote control, certainly they could have walked up to the TV every time they wanted to put something else on but most of the people I know are far too lazy for that... Including myself of course... I have turned on the TV before and then sat down realizing I had left the controller on top of the TV and ended up sitting through an entire Lifetime movie just because I didn't feel like standing back up...

What about before there were even multiple channels to turn to? These times would have been torture for them, stuck only being able to click through 3 channels, this really would have been awful during the 5 O'clock News... Or if they would have been playing M.A.S.H, Designing Women, and a Hockey Game at the same time... OK I am aware that these probably were not out at the same time, nor were they out during the days of only 3 channels, but can you imagine the horror?...

These channel changing demons also always seem to find a way to be controlling the radio/CD/MP3 when I am in the car... Every seventeen seconds, mid-chorus belting voice for me, they are on to the next station or song... Its ridiculous... I am curious if they even know how any of the songs or shows end that they are constantly turning off... It starts to seem like a nervous tick, like something they are doing without even knowing... This is why I suggest to learn who these people are before you give them access to such a position of control... Once you learn who they are there are certain precautions that you can do to make sure they have less control... For instance, beating them into the room and removing the batteries from anything that they may try and use... In the car you are just going to have to deal with it for now, I cant think of anything safe that would keep them from switching things up on you...

Seriously though, this problem is like the most telling form of adult A.D.D. I wonder if they are the same way with books and other things of entertainment nature... Five minutes in one book and then they are onto the magazine for a few, after looking at the pictures on one page they get out the coloring book and go to town... For people with this short of an attention span this is what I recommend the highest... Not too much thought, and in reality no one will even mind if you cant stay in the lines, which lets face it, you probably wont... If you guys think of any other creative ways to deal with these people please do tell...

PS. please make sure to come back between Sunday and Wednesday to Vote for my DR. Seuss post... I have not started yet but I'm sure it will be... Seussical...

1.27.2010

Day 160--- "I'm Kickin My Ass, Do You Mind???"


So it appears as though I just squeaked through into the next round of competition thanks to an outpouring of votes from some of my friends on Facebook, also seems as though ScoMan sent a couple people my way by featuring me on his thisisTuesday post this week. I was very honored to be matched up with Michael C. Hall, couldn't have picked a better match myself. Today I have decided to do a bit of a strange post, still about people but a very very select group... I decided that something must be done about all the martial arts movies in which the lead always has a twin, and since all I do is blog, this is what must be done...

Seriously though, I have just signed up for Netflix so I am going through reviewing movies that I have seen in my past so they can suggest stuff that I'll like. When I get to the action movies it starts asking my opinion of all the ka-ra-te flicks... It then dawns on me that nearly every star in this field has made a movie in which they either end up fighting their long lost evil twin or working along side their long lost nice twin... Jean-Claude Van Damme in Double Impact, Robert Patrick in Double Dragon, Jackie Chan in Twin Dragons, and Jet Li in The One are just a few that come to mind... I'm positive that there are more out there, but I like to prove my point with 4 solid examples... Plus I didn't feel like sifting through old Chuck Norris and Steven Segal titles just to drive the point home...

Why is it that these Parent Trap type movies always seem to be staples in the careers of predominant martial art actors? Is it because they feel that their skills are so superior to others that they are eventually only worthy to fight themselves? Is it because the budget for some of these films are so low that the budget only allows them to enough to pay themselves, twice... Maybe Eddie Murphy is their favorite actor and they want to emulate his skills by playing multiple roles. I really don't know what it is that makes them feel the need to play doubles, but whatever it is it gave me inspiration for today's blog, so I am eternally grateful...

Other than being grateful I am also very inspired... Although I do not know martial arts I have been inspired to one day play my own twin in a film... I've always wondered what it would be like to have someone else walking around who looked exactly like myself (Besides a blessing to the ladies of the world), and as far as I can tell this will be the only way that I can manage... So look for me in the future in Ryan vs. Brian, (easy name choice since that is what lots of people like to call me when they first meet me anyways.)...

Thanks again to all who voted, this next week is going to be a post in the Dr. Seuss style, so that should be quite fun and interesting... Any (good) suggestions as to what I should write it about???


1.26.2010

Day 159--- "Can I Get A Refill???"


Well, due to very shotty Internet connection over the past few days I have not been able to throw up a new post... I can only imagine the turmoil that you guys must have been going through without a bit of me to get you through the day... In other news, voting ends tomorrow for round four of the blogger idol... This week is the closest I have come to being eliminated, but I have faith that you guys will put me over that hump... Or else... Today I have decided to write about another one of the people that annoyed me during my restaurant days, those who ask for a refill when their glass is still more than half full...

Now, this may not seem like a big deal to you, and if I had never worked at a restaurant this probably would not bother me either. But after years of working for needy people these ones are damn near the top of most needy... Just for the record, I did not work at a fancy joint, when you are paying $200 a plate I can understand expecting to have a full glass, but I worked at a fast paced chain restaurant a step above fast food (price-wise). We are serving kids pizzas and french fries, with our wine in a shot glass, just because this may be the most expensive meal of your life that doesn't mean you're at the Four Seasons. I plan to give the best service possible, but for the $10 tip on a $100 tab don't be expecting to get your crumbs picked up with one of those little scooper things... Now you may think I have lost the point but this is where I circle it right back around to people who ask for refills when it is not necessary...

They are the type of people that when you pass through the restaurant with a full tray and they see you they will flag you over in the middle of what you are doing and tell you they need more water... OK I understand that you are parched, but your glass is still more than half full... This just seems over cautionary to me, you are assuming that I wont be back near the table in the 20 more minutes that it takes you to finish the last 3/4 Th's of that drink... I know this all may seem crazy, because maybe you have only been on one side of this, but it is really one of the things us waiters talk most about behind your backs... In a business where we are constantly busy it just seems like such a waste of time to be filling up glasses that are already considered full... Unless of course you are one of those people who subscribes to the glass half empty way of life... Then I could understand that a glass that I consider to be three-fourths full you would clearly see as three-fourths empty...

These are the type of people who will be looking for any reason to give you less of a tip... They are the ones that at the end of the meal when talk of gratuity comes up they will be the one in the party that will say " Oh, he really wasn't that good, I had to ask for more water like three times when I had taken one sip out". They are the ones who are too cheap to pay for anything other than water half of the time, but wanna be treated like they are drinking the Don Perignon. They are the epitome of asshole Americans, people who want more before they finish what they have... Hey, it may be a stereotype that the rest of the world has tagged us with, but we all know stereotypes exist with 90% truth... I know I am taking this all way deeper than anyone would have thought possible with such a small group of people. But I swear this is the mentality that bugs me most about human beings... Trust me sir, you are not going to go without a beverage at any point during this meal; we don't need to waste my energy filling your water up after every sip you take. This is like ordering your dessert while you are still eating your starters, at least this is the way it seems to everyone else who has an ounce of patience. This is why I think all people on earth should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, I think we would all be a whole lot nicer to everyone... Or I guess if you become too jaded it could do the exact opposite...

Whatever the case may be if you are ever around anybody who insists on being this person at a table it would be nice of you to remind them that it is not smart to piss off the people who are handling your food. This is a word to the wise... If you are already one of these people there are douche bag help hot lines out there, I suggest that you give them a call and get help as soon as you can... If you catch it soon enough it should be treatable... Or just consider this post a wake-up call... Maybe you now realize that the world does not actually revolve around you...

1.23.2010

Day 158--- Who Does #2 Work For???


VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE

Hello everyone and welcome to week 4 of Knuckleheads Blogger Idol Contest... This week we are down to four competitors so all votes I can get are of the utmost importance. Of course I encourage you all to have a glance at the other posts, but only a glance... This week our challenge was to write a post filled with "observational humor", be sure to let me know how I do... (I believe voting starts at 11am on Sunday)

What do loo, bathroom, toilet, powder room, restroom, outhouse, water closet, WC, head, ladies, gents, lavatory, crapper, shitter, latrine, dunny, netty, khazi, John, and the lavvie all have in common? Besides being the number one place for politicians to pick up sex at airports it is also the place that we as humans spend one-fifth of our lives. (1/5 was a complete guess, but a community college educated one). Spending countless hours on the potty myself I have devised a list of things that annoy me the most that have to do with the throne room. In order to lure in the voters with the shortest attention span I am going to write these out in bullet point fashion, but I assure you when I get my book deal I can convert to paragraph form...

(In no particular order)

1. One of my first fears/problems when using a bathroom is the anticipation of a cold seat. Not that I sit down every time, but when the opportunity presents itself I am always worried about that initial contact. Luckily if it scares anything out I am already in position.

2. Another annoyance is unknowingly walking into a recently used stall or bathroom and having a less than inviting funk gifted to me by the last person... There is always that awful initial shock wave that hits me when I get through squeezing myself in there. Along with that shock wave there is also the all too familiar ungodly heat that manifests itself, like the person before me had just been building a fire or carrying a space heater. When I run into this problem and had seen another stall open I always try to make it to that one before someone else does. Without fail as soon as you step out of the sauna stall someone else takes your place, no doubt blaming you for the disaster they just encountered... By this point I dont even have to go any more so I run out crying... or maybe thats just me...


3. How about leaning against a wet sink...?? You know when you reach over to pump the soap and you get the nice wet line straight across your outfit... It never fails. No matter how many times I try and remind myself to check before I bend over I always forget until it is too late and wind up leaving the bathroom looking like I pissed myself.

4. Weak toilets. These are the worst on so many levels... This always seems to happen at the worst possible time too. For instance, being at a new crushes house for the first time... Nerves have gotten the best of you so you excuse yourself for a quick trip to the Superbowl... Once you have finished you quickly try and flush the evidence only to find out that their toilet has the water pressure of a eye dropper. It doesnt matter that there was only one nug and 3 squares of toilet paper this shit is not going down! (quite literally)... Panic mode sets in, you even debate fishing it out and tossing it out the window, but you dont want poo-hand the rest of the night... You wait for the water to stop running and you give it another go... *praying*... the water rises as you try and keep yourself from fainting. You have already been in there too long, and there is no way to play off that second flush, she/he knows you are pooping now... meanwhile, THE WATER IS STILL RISING... You notice the plunger in the far corner, its dry and dusty... Does this mean that no one else has ever clogged this thing? No time to waste, only 3 inches til spill over, you grab it and start jamming away... Finally you hear that familiar sucking sound of glory... The toilet has taken the bait, it finally decided your poo was worthy... You twirl the plunger around to air-dry, dont want to leave more evidence than necessary. You give one more post-cautionary flush just to make sure the treasure is gone, you are in luck. Dry the seat off with some TP, close the lid, and head back over to the sink, you are on the home stretch now... WHEN BAM... You lean over to reach the soap and get attacked by the wet sink monster... Now they not only think you were pooping, but that you peed yourself as well... Maybe you should just climb out the window.

5. This briefly touches on an old post of mine, but it is completely necessary... I absolutely can not stand bathroom attendants... I know you handed me a paper towel, but I am fully capable of grabbing that myself, plus it wasnt yours to begin with... There is nowhere on earth that I believe that skill is worth a dollar tip... Frankly you would be hard pressed to find me in a non-cheap enough mood to find that action worth more than a coin with Abraham Lincoln on it. (A penny for those of you outside the U.S.)... The only thing I can see being worth a dollar is if you were to come into the stall and wipe me... Then maybe I would give you a dollar. See you there.

6. "Stage Fart", I call this one... Most people get stage fright, but I get stage fart... This happens when you are forced to do a #2 in either a very quiet public bathroom with lots of other people in it... Or when you are at a friends house whose bathroom just so happens to be right next to the room that they and the rest of your friends/or their family are waiting in... For instance the old 1/2 bathroom right off of the kitchen... There is not many things worse than having to drop the kids off at the pool with your friends entire family silently eating less than an earshot away... Sometimes you can turn the fan on and it will be enough, maybe even the sink as a back up... But there are those times that you sit down and you know you are about to blast off with the airy trumpet farts before anything of substance will make its way out... You sit there waiting for minutes that feel like an eternity for someone to drop a fork or spill their glass so you can just push it all out in one fail sw-poop, but seldom are we that lucky... We all know that everyone poops, it just sucks to have to be the guy playing the colon trombone in the next room while people are trying to enjoy their meal.

7. Technology is great. With that being said, I hate motion censored sinks... My hate is justified because I have spent more time waving my hands around in front of them like a magician doing card tricks than I have actually spent washing my hands. Maybe I just have bad luck, but I can never seem to find the one that works right away. I will walk down the entire counter of sinks before I find one that will turn on... The trail of water my shirt has just dragged through tells me that some other genius has had no problem figuring them out...I understand that these things were made as a convenience to us and to probably help save some water. But I either find the inconvenient ones that wont start or the ones that will not shut off... Needless to say I have become all to familiar with the Hellen Keller sink dance.

8. I may be the only one to ever think/worry about this but it still needs to be mentioned... I can not stand it when I am staying at a friends house and all they have for me to dry off with after a shower is a white towel... I think that this is a fear that stemmed from my childhood when maybe I didnt wash myself as thouroughly as I should/could have and I would end up leaving my signature on the towel... As soon as I would do it I would go bury that towel into the dirty clothes and find a new one, but this is a luxury that is not always possible when you are a guest in someone's home. Now, I have gotten much better at cleaning myself off, especially when using a loofa but the fear is still very real... Think twice before you invite me for a slumber party.

9. This is the ninth, and although I said these were in no particular order this is probably my biggest annoyance from the bunch... I cannot stand it when I get done taking a shower, get half way dried off, and then realize that I have to take a crap... Especially when the only reason I took a shower in the first place was to double check how good my wiping skills are... (JK)... Its like when I used to own a car and it would not have rained for months, then I finally decided to take it in and pay the $20 for a nice wash down... Then right as I pull out of the car wash parking lot it starts pouring... (Although I have learned that it is the best time to overcome constipation). Here I am post shower, faced with a poo-lemma, do I just go and then re-shower, do I just finish drying off, poo, and then start off only so fresh and so-so clean, or do I just hold it completely hoping that its just a false alarm or foreshadowing... Its really one of the toughest decisions that we have to make as mature adults... May the Force be with you.

I think that is enough toilet humor for now. I hape that most of you could relate to at least one or two of these annoyances that plague my daily life... Feel free to leave me a comment explaining your favorite or adding another one, and feel obligated to head over to Knuckleheads domain and vote for 365 Days of People!!!! Please and thank you...

1.22.2010

Day 157--- If You Like See Food, You'll Love Hear Food...


This post is for my girlfriend. I should let her write it because the annoying person for the day is the one that bugs her more than anything on earth. But I don't know if I trust her with my blog, not that she couldn't get the point across in a funny manner, just that she has access to way too many photos that should stay off the net. Go ahead and toss that around in your imagination for a while.... The person/people that I have decided to honor on her behalf, are all of the loud chewers of the world...

I want to start off by saying that I believe that there are at least two main categories that these people fall into. First there are the actual loud chewers, the ones who don't think twice about chomping away with their mouths wide open. The ones who eat so disgustingly that they practically have to use there tongue every so often to catch food from falling out... That is the first group. Then there is the second group, the group of people that you and I would never notice, the people who chew with their mouths closed, and chew just quiet enough to not even be a blip on our radar. But, to my supersonic ear of a girlfriend these guys are apparently just as loud as the first ones. How do I know that they exist you ask? Well, that's simple, I am one of them... Nearly every meal that involves any sort of a crunch is clearly like nails on a chalk board to her. She will sit there and smile at me, while I know darn good and well that she wishes I would eat in the next room. Sometimes she even has to try and turn her hatred into something she can compliment me on, otherwise I think she might try and off me in my sleep. She will say things like "You seriously have the perfect bite sound for a television commercial". Which really means "I hate you so much right now, where are my head phones?"... But, there is really nothing I can do about it, unless you guys know anyone trying to cast a Tostitos Commercial...

Now, I am on board with the hatred of the first group and I don't even possess great manners. I used to have this great grandma (like that set up), and she would not close her mouth to chew anything... And she was not one of those people who was like one chew, two chew, swallow. She would chew everything to the point it looked like baby food, she would chew it to the point that when it got to the stomach it didn't even need to be digested anymore, she would chew it so mu-OK I think you get the point. This would all be happening with her mouth wide open, and the worst part was that she somehow used her tongue to stir things around, it looked like taffy being pulled apart over and over. Now, if you have an imagination at all you have already involuntarily imagined what a mess that was, but now if you would just try and imagine the sound with me... It was as bad, if not worse than the visual effects that came with the show... I have seen/heard many a loud chewers in my life but nothing was as awful as this woman.

I'm sure these people have hundreds of excuses for chewing so loudly, some of them may have trouble breathing out their nose, therefore forcing them to chew like an animal. Some of them may even be deaf people who cant quite tell how loud they really are, I would even venture to say that some of them may have been born in a barn, because isn't that where all people with bad manners were born? But I am here once and for all to rid the world of these loud chewers, both for myself and for the crazies out there like my gf... Since Hitler kinda ruined that whole genocide thing I have been forced to come up with another plan... I am a firm believer that some people are so stupid that you can train them just like you would an animal. It is with this belief that I have formed R.T.W.O.L.C.C. (rid the world of loud chewers confederation)... Our mission will be hard, but I believe it will be worth it. With government funding (because here in the U.S. they will fund anything that isn't necessary) we will post our employees in every major food establishment in the country. Armed only with a spray bottle, a decibel measurement device, and a taser they will stand and wait for someone to chew above the pre-determined government regulated level. Once they hear a disturbance they will promptly walk over to them and squirt them square in the face with the water, this method has worked wonders in stopping cats from clawing things and dogs from barking, so I assume humans should follow in suit. Besides, any real human wouldn't dare to chew too loud after it becomes semi illegal. The second infraction will get you tas'd, sure there are some kinks to work out but I think it will be a fun trial and error period...


1.20.2010

Day 156--- If You Cant Stand the Heat...


As skill/luck should have it I pulled through into the next round of competition, thank you very much to those of you who voted for me, I'll admit I began to worry towards the end. The next round of competition should be even tighter because there will only be 4 of us left. Congrats to the 3 of you I will be up against. For those of you that have not been following along with the contest I hope that you will make it out between next Sunday and Wednesday to read my "observational humor" post. I realize that category should be quite the stretch for me, but we shall see what I can come up with.

Here with us today is another post. After countless hours of debating, (actually not) I have decided to write about people who cant cook, but often think they can...

There is no doubt in my mind that most of you have fallen victim to one of these chef-boy-r-puke's in your life time, and frankly may even be one yourself... Apparently they are so wide spread these days that they have actually landed their own TV show on the Food Network... "The Worst Chef in America" has quickly become a popular show and one of my new TV addictions (along with 30 Rock, Meerkat Manor, and Teen Mom), it is always such an amazing feeling to watch people suck at something isn't it? Because then even if you are not so good; in comparison you will look like Gordon Ramsay.

As someone who has fairly recently fallen in love with cooking I've realized that to be decent at it you need to at least possess these three attributes; creativity, patience, and some form of vision... With out a decent amount of all three of those you are pretty much going to bind yourself to microwave dinners and fast food for the rest of your lives. When you watch someone who really sucks at cooking one thing I find that they always lack is the patience, I know this was my biggest problem when I first started. I am not a patient person in general, but when it came to cooking I was the worst. I didn't see how an egg could take so long to cook, I always just turned up the heat thinking I could expedite the process, and ended up burning it. Same with making rice, it gets so annoying to wait 40 minutes for rice to cook through properly, so I thought I could alter that by turning up the heat, in turn getting a brick of rice in the shape of the pot. So if you are one of these people who can not cook their way out of a cereal box first thing I suggest is just to give it time. Patience is a virtue. You do not need to start off cooking Rachel Ray's in 20 minute meals, all good things come to those who wait, and more inspirational stuff like that.

How many of you have fallen victim to awful cooking at the worst possible moment? How about going to a significant others parents house for the first time?... You sit down for dinner to a meal that looks like it was straight out of Christmas Vacation... If the sight and smell of what is to come was not enough to warn you, then his/her mom (the head chef) comes into the room apologizing that it was her first time making this meal... This is never a good sign, good cooks don't apologize before you have even had a chance to eat. This is them waving the white flag right off the bat. "Warning, I suck, this meal sucks, enter at your own risk". Whats even worse is when they sit there and watch you choke down the joke of a meal, luckily I am a well trained actor and I have learned to make a happy face even when tasting the most foul things ever, but you have to agree this is one of the most awkward moments that we have to endure in our adult lives. Second only to opening presents in front of people, I love presents but I hate when people insist on having me open them right in front of them (hope you enjoyed that tangent)... Make sure you have plenty of water to wash it down with, no doubt something is going to be overcooked and hard to chew in this situation... For times like this I have invented the perfect "gag gift" (get it)... I have developed a patent pending trash bag that you will be able to fasten to the inside of your pant leg, allowing you to place the inedible items in, to empty at your own convenience. I am still working on making them smell proof and heat proof, for now you will just have to either wait til the food has cooled, or chance burning your leg, it may be worth it... This is all much easier if the family has a dog though, as I'm sure you are aware.

It has long been said that if you cant stand the heat you should just stay out of the kitchen... This may be true, although I have not been in too many kitchens that the heat was that unbearable. I would like to modify that saying just a tad, henceforth let the saying be, "if you cant cook worth shit, stay out of the kitchen"... I think that has a much better ring to it, don't you???


Day 155--- Who Says There is No Such Thing as a Free Lunch???


The more days that this contest I am in lurks on the more worried I am about not making it to the next round. Initially I was in second and I have been moving back and forth between 3rd and 4th over the past day. Voting stops at 6 PM on Wednesday so I hope you guys can make it over to vote on the right hand side of knuckleheads blog... With that being said I believe it should be safe to move on to today's post. Ive decided to write about the people who film bootleg movies for the rest of us...

Now, on one hand I have nothing but complaints. These guys have clearly taken absolutely zero film classes in their entire lives. You would think with a career so directly related to film that they would have at least learned how to put a camera on a tripod straight or at least center it on the screen. But no, time and time again I am forced to buy or download these low quality bootlegged videos... It is preposterous, and don't even get me started with the sound, I am lucky if I can make out one out of every three words that the actors are saying sometimes. Its like trying to watch Inglorious Basterds without having the subtitles. And how about those guys that go to film a movie that has subtitles and they aim the camera too high, come on now guys where is the common sense? Oh boy, and the guys who let people walk back and forth in front of the camera, hey buddy, I waited fifty minutes for this video to fully buffer, so sit your ass down... Have you ever had the guys who you can hear opening the candy wrapper right next to the microphone, as if it wasn't hard enough to make out what they were saying before now I have to hear this dude chomping down a Snickers bar. Come on guys, if you are going to continue to run a successful underground operation you are going to have to improve the quality of your product or we just may start paying $19 for a ticket and a popcorn...

Who am I kidding? I will download any movie I can if that means I don't have to take a second mortgage out to pay for a ticket. Now, I realize that there are certain costs that the movies have to cover, it makes perfect sense to pay actors upwards of 20 million a flick if you can keep getting higher ticket prices. But when does it stop? I mean before I left New York I would go see an average of one Broadway show a month and that would end up costing me less than a day at the movies. So people who film movies in the theater so I can sit in the comfort of my home downloading all the new flicks in my underwear. I salute you. No, you are not quite as brave of the soldiers over seas, but you sure are up there. There was one year when we were having a really cold winter in NY and I was being super boring where I just went and downloaded and watched every new movie on the specific site I used at the time... When I was done I felt like I had just robbed a bank and it was awesome. I had literally just watched about $200 worth of movies and I didn't even have to leave my bed. I didn't have to sit in a smelly chair, with my feet stuck to the ground, some douchey kid kicking the back of my chair, while some other twat talking to the screen, no I was laying down watching the movie on my laptop the way it was intended to be watched. The invention of bootlegging movies has to be up there with the wheel, and water, and toothpaste. Its like I am theater hopping but with the touch of some keys and the stroke of a mouse.

So the moral of the story is, if you ever happen in on someone who has decided to film a copy of a new feature film, please leave him be. Because there is a slight chance that I just may be watching that movie someday online and I really don't want to be distracted by your mouth.

In a funny side note I have a story about my mom (sort of relates)... OK so Ive downloaded music on Limewire over the years, lots of it, and my mom has always full on judged me for this. She pulls the whole illegal and immoral bit on me and while I listen, I don't really listen if you know what I mean. Anyways, her and my sister have gotten on this kick where they rent Cd's from the library and then upload them onto their computer and then put them onto their Ipods, now, is that or is that not the same thing I do just in a slightly more diplomatic way??? She says that her excuse (because yes we have had this talk) is that the library has paid for the CD so what they are doing is different, I am sure that someone that I am sharing with on Limewire bought the CD and shared it with millions of people.... Am I right or am I right???


1.18.2010

Day 154--- Po Fo Th De...


If I stay where I am in the running it looks like I should at least make it into round four... I have been bouncing back and forth between 2nd and 3rd place and it is all because of you guys. That is of course if you voted for me, if you didnt then it is no thanks to you, but at least if you are reading this you came back again. Anyways, today I have selected a simpleminded group of people to write about. Yes, a good majority of the people I write about are simpleminded but these ones are definitely in the top 34... How many of you are annoyed by the word shorteners of the world? By a show of comments what are your least favorites???

You know the people I am talking about right? The morons who try and create abbreviated words out of words that dont even need to be abbreviated. They are basically creating an unnecessary periodic table of words and it is driving me nuts. The most annoying to me, and the one that seems to have stumbled into everyones vocabulary at some point was to say presh instead of precious (this may or may not have been where the disease began). I'll admit that maybe the first time I heard this I found it cute-ish, certainly not clever, and only cute because it was probably some cute girl saying it... But once people started taking aim and shortening every word they came into contact with it has since started to drive me nuts. We have already taken our once Shakespearean language through a strainer, is there really a need to shorten those words even further. I am certainly no 18th century scholar or poet but I would like to have words longer than a cough to leave to my children...

I have already had one post attacking the people who constantly write in AIM language, but now we are producing teens who even speak it. I have said it before, but I truly believe that we may end up back at the same grunts we started off with... In school they are soon going to be offering elective classes to drill these shortened words into the minds of our youth. Shortly after that the classes are not going to be electives any longer, they are going to be mandatory (I assume thats what they call it when it is not elective any longer). The words that have already been made into contractions are screwed... Dont is going to be D't... (of course this will help the bad spellers...) Cant will be C't... and so on... We are literally on the way to creating the language that was foreshadowed in 1984, the book, not the year.

Why do certain girls think that it is cute to talk like this??? I really have ran into groups of girls who have made it common to throw one of these words into the structure of any sentence... My guess is that they think "cute-ifying" words (aka destroying them) makes them look cute. To this I say, if you are cute, no matter what you do to a word you will be cute, and on the flip side, if you are not cute, (stay indoors) no matter what you do to a word you will not be cute... Its sort of like those girls who think that dressing slutty will all of a sudden make them appear more appealing to the opposite sex. This is false, sure we will look, maybe even stare, drool, and whistle... But no matter how short your skirt is we will still eventually have to discover the face... So why dont you just do us a favor and stop with the cute talk...

I realize to some of you this may be a silly thing to be annoyed by, but if you have been following my blog for long you already know that I will find most anything and or anyone to bitch about... This is just a small blip on the screen leading me to 365... So if this does not bother you I'm sure one of the other ones will fosh.... (oh, fosh=for sure, see how annoying that shit is)...

By the way, the voting is still up for this week (Round 3) of the contest, if you have not already I think that you should check out yesterdays post about Twilight... It was one of the most painstaking things that I have ever penned/typed so I want it to get some exposure. LOL.... Painstaking in the sense that Twilight is painful to think about for any length of time... If you like the post, or even if you dont you should click this link and vote for me (in the right hand margin), or if you like one of the other stories better you should follow their blog, and vote for me still...

Here is a shortened list of shortened words that you may or may not have come into contact with...

Fab= fabulous (I think we know who uses this the most, Ryan Seacrest of course)
Aggro= aggressive or violent
Mo= moment (really? is this necessary)
Prof= Ive heard as a substitute for professor and professional
Sod= Soda
Burg= burger
Za= Pizza
Bra= Brother.... (but when Hawaiians say it its acceptable)

I could continue on with more, but I dont want you guys to accidentally learn them and start using them; at least not until Big Brother makes us.

Feel free to comment with some that you know though, Sco I'm sure you know some, when I was down there they found a way to shorten every word...

ps. the picture is totally unrelated, but I thought it would stop some passerby's...

1.16.2010

Day 153--- Interview With a Werewolf...


VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE

Hey guys, I was supposed to do a parody post this week for the Contest over at Knuckleheads place, but I cannot put this story off any longer. Some of you may know that I have been studying all mythical creatures for years, from super-heroes, to Greek Gods, all the way back down to the every day werewolves and vampires...

I decided I would take a research trip to the northwest late in 2009 to study the the most recent findings made by Dr. Stephanie Meyer. My adventure took me to a small, lush, damp town just off of the west coast in Washington state. You know Forks as a utensil, but for me Forks was Mecca, my holy land, and my Eden, once I heard about all the abnormal activity that had been occurring there over the years. My intent was to observe both groups of mutants before establishing contact with the werewolves, I knew the task was lofty, but I was determined.

To my amazement everyone in town went about their lives blind to the fact they lived amongst silently dueling monsters, and here I was spending my days and nights entranced in my own personal sci-fi safari. It did not take long for me to identify my ideal specimen... I had seen Jacob in Cheaper by the Dozen and Adventures of Shark Boy, obviously before he realized he was an awful actor destined to be a werewolf. I also assumed due to his consistent exposure to the outside world that he would be the easiest to establish contact with and more than likely the most willing to speak to me.

After only one week of stalking him back and forth between Forks and LaPush I decided that it was time to pull the crazed fan routine...

Jacob pulled into the local market on his dirt bike and I followed him into the lot... As soon as he'd dismounted the crotch rocket I was at his side; a poster of him in one hand and my sharpie in the other... He didn't even flinch at my booming excitement, I imagine he had become used to fans after the popularity that his new movie held for its first weekend... As he tried to find a flat place to sign I suggested he press up against the side of my "rapist cargo van" because it would be the flattest surface around . As soon as he came within a foot of the sliding door, the rest of my crew that I had not mentioned earlier slid open the door and yanked him in. I jumped in the front seat and off we flew. What Jacob did not realize was that he had just been captured by the number one team of werewolf hunters in the world and we were going to use him to infiltrate the rest of his pack and bring them down from the inside... No, I'm kidding this is not so much To Catch a Predator as it is 20/20. However, while our only intention was to question Jacob, we had to be sure that he was in a safe enclosed environment just in case he decided to shape shift mid interview... Once we were en route to our interview destination we explained our precautions to him, he politely stopped rattling the cage.



Once we had arrived at the secluded location we decided that it would be safe to allow Jacob out of the cage, but we shackled his hands and feet together and then to a rusted iron loop stuck in the ground. We were confident that this was enough to hold him, at least while he was calm. We then sat him in a large metal chair and scooted an interrogation table up to him. Shortly after I joined him with a chair across the table, and the staring contest began. Going into this operation I had convinced myself that I would not be nervous, but nothing could prepare me for my "Interview With a Werewolf"... (cue mood music)...

When I met Jacob for the first time I was instantly mesmerized. As I stared at his massive white teeth and into his enchanting eyes I was literally baffled that team Edward had even existed... How you could choose a cold pale monster over this perfection of beast? Even his voice was Godlike, not to mention his Hercule-ic muscle tone and bone structure. Once I had gotten over my initial awe I decided it was time to introduce myself, I explained to him that we meant no harm and that I just wanted to get an insiders take on the rise of their sworn enemies popularity since the release of Bella Swan's memoirs. After giving him a rotting deer bone to chew on and letting him sniff my butt he agreed to help us with the story.

I had spent months rehearsing these questions nervously in front of my mirror, but as I sat here in front of him I felt a sudden familiarity come over me. My first question was a designated ice breaking question, "Jacob, how do you feel about the recent drop in werewolf masks at Halloween?... Initially thought to be caused by the troubled economy, until reports that Dracula masks nearly tripled previous years records...".

Jacob replied with a bit of a chuckle, "These types of trends have been repeating for the past 1,000 years, it is actually one of the reasons that we became enemies in the first place. With that being said I am certain that there will be an upswing in wolf masks once the new Anthony Hopkins movie comes out. You humans are so quick to point fingers, take global warming for instance, its gotten a bit warmer in the few hundred years you have been keeping track, yet you forget that my people have seen this climate cycle before".

I was taken back by how insightful and political his answer was, I forgot that they have cable in this part of the country...

I then inquired about the their diminishing food supply due to the over abundance of pale faces in the area... You could tell that this question struck a nerve, "It is not so much that the pale faces eat most of our food, but it is the sheer amount that they waste, they will kill a deer and suck it dry leaving a rotting carcass in the forest. Typical American Vampires".


As I started my next question I felt a sudden breeze rush past my neck, as soon as my chill bumps subsided a blur zipped across my peripherals... Just then both of my helpers fell to their knees within seconds of each other, both with blood rushing from their neck. As I turned back to face Jacob there was Edward Cullen trying to undo his chains... He threatened that I would be next to die if I did not release Jacob, shaking like Muhammad Ali I reached into my pants to retrieve the keys... As soon as I had them in my hand Edward was already grabbing them from me, Bella was not joking about the cold hands, somebody get this dude some gloves.

Edward had Jacob free in a matter of seconds, but nothing prepared me for what happened next. To this point it had not quite dawned on my why Edward was helping Jacob, but after their 30 second slow motion embrace the reasoning was crystal clear. With Bella out of the picture apparently the sexual tension finally became too much for the two of them. After another minute of nick-name calling and Eskimo kisses both blood thirsty monsters turned their focus back to me. When I finished pissing myself I tried to think of a way to escape... However, this idea only lasted until I remembered Edward's mind reading ability... I was doomed.


After about 30 seconds of heavy breathing and pose changes Jacob decided to speak. He knew the look in Edwards eyes meant I was soon to be dinner, but it was clear Jacob wanted to use me. (Not in that way sickos, neither of them are into humans anymore). He promised that as long as I went to see all of the Twilight movies that they would spare my life... I agreed that as torturous and as embarrassing as that may be that it was worth doing to keep my life. They also decided to strip me down and dress me up from head to toe in Twilight attire. They finally released me back to my van...

I drove off as quick as I could, but quickly noticed that they were tailing me... Worried that they had changed their minds I pulled into the first parking lot that I found. I got out of the car and ran up to the closest building with a crowd. It just so happens that the building I ran up to was this movie theater... Needless to say that is why I am wearing this horrific outfit right now, obviously a man of my stature would not normally wear anything related to Twilight...

Thank you so much for listening to my story and I know there is a line forming behind me, but before I let you go can I please get one ticket to the 9 o'clock showing of New Moon...? I better go now in case they are still watching me... I swear that is the only reason...


OK, so that was my attempt at a parody post... Now that you know it is not true I need to clear the air, I have not seen New Moon and I do not own any Twilight apparel, my facts may be a little skewed, don't judge me. But please do vote!!!!!!!










1.15.2010

Day 152--- Procrastinating, Not the Best Word to End In -ING, But Close...


Howdy y'all... I'm watching "Walk the Line" as I write this so if you catch a whiff of the southern accent in my words please forgive me... I have been sort of at a stale mate trying to decide who to write about today, my mind is stuck trying to decide what to write for the 3rd round of my blogging contest which is due tomorrow. I have always been a procrastinator. Hey, maybe thats who I will write about today...

OK. As you can tell this is one category that I fit like a glove, and have pretty much my entire life... I must get some sort of thrill from doing things at the last possible minute, every time a project was due in school I would start it pretty much the night before and be up until morning to finish it... The thing is I always ended up doing well grade wise, so I think it just kind of trained me that the one night of pain was well worth all the other nights of video games. If I had ever planned something out way in advance I would consider that a huge feat, and then reward myself by not doing any other homework for days after that... I even continued to be a procrastinator well into my college years, which stunningly worked just fine then as well. Sure all the cramming didnt really help me retain most of the stuff that I learned, but lets be honest, thats not what the school system in America is geared toward. They just want to make sure that they have your money, and that you can pass a standardized test, beyond that they dont really care how stupid you are. As long as you are padding their wallets you could drool all over the rest of the work and you would be just fine.

What I still cant decide is if being a great procrastinator is a bless or a curse... I mean, there are plenty of times in life that it will benefit you to be able to do something last minute in a crunch, and like I said I have clearly perfected that skill... There have been plenty of things that were invented specifically for my type, coffee, thats right, coffee was made just for procrastinators to keep us up at all hours of the night, why else would anyone drink the stuff... Energy drinks, and you thought Red Bull was made for vodka... Nodose, goes without saying. Crack/Cocaine, not the weapon of choice, but I imagine if you could focus it would do the trick. Cliffnotes, hello a 40 page book that tells you all you need to know about a 700 page book, sign me up. The internet, unlimited research at your fingertips... and you thought it was made just for porn and blogging. The list of things made for us procrastinating bunch really could go on and on, but I'll have to tell you about the rest of them later...

So, what do you guys think? Did you look at the people you knew in school who did this like they were idiots? or were you one of the clan? I know when I told some people the day before a project was due that they would totally judge me, but when I ended up getting a better score than them they totally had to shut their mouths. I know that this post isnt as brutal as some of mine can be, but since I am one I obviously had to be a bit gentler, and after I was so emo yesterday I needed a little break. With that being said, I should start writing my parody post that is due in 23 hours... You guys will have to come and vote for me like you have been, just to prove that my procrastinating really pays off. Kisses and hugs.


1.14.2010

Day 151--- Hide Your Razors...


I am shocked that I didn't have more people trying to stick up for wrestling, I know that there are plenty of you guys out there... It is probably safer for you to remain nameless though. Today's post features a group of people that have swept the world over the past 10 or so years... Emo Kids...

If you would have shown me a picture of one of these kids ten years ago and told me that in 2010 half of our high school and middle school population would be flooded with them, I would have laughed in your face. But it takes less than 7 minutes at the mall, or on Myspace to realize that the younger population has indeed been infected... Its as though they were bitten by other Emo zombies thus slowly infecting the the world over time... I am not one hundred percent sure what it takes to be truly classified as a proper emo child, but I have a few ideas of things that may be involved...

Black, they have quite the infatuation with this lack of color, but remember if you reach goth you have gone too far though, so proceed with caution. Now, they do have some things that are colorful, but they are very selective about letting any color/brightness into their lives, maybe a headband or the occasional bracelet, but other than that the absence of color is appreciated... The darkness includes their hair, studies show that emo's alone could keep the hair dye business afloat, even if the rest of the world was bald. It does not matter if you were blond, brunette, or red, going into this "scene" you will be leaving pitch black... Speaking of hair, you will want to invest in a hair straightener, this will quickly the become the MVP in your preparation arsenal. You will want to make sure you know how to use it as well, how else would you create those creepy bangs that will hang down over your eye... (Yes, Just one eye, which one is up to you)... You cant forget the makeup, I don't know specific makeup types, so we will leave it at, dark eyes and a pale white face, whatever you need to achieve this, that is the makeup you should buy. Basically if you don't come out of the bathroom looking like someone from the Twilight movies, you must have done something wrong... The last thing that I can think of without really researching these gentle beasts is that you will need a pair of extremely tight pants. For the girls this really should not be too much of a stress, but if you are a boy your best bet is to just steal a pair of your sisters pants. If you are truly going to be a success in the emo world, you will be skinny enough for them to fit, so don't worry... With that being said, emo is not for fat people, sorry those are just the facts of life...

There are also a few skills that you must possess in order to continue on with this life style... First thing you will want to know is how to cry on command, the only true test of an emo. Next you will need to be able to walk using the vision from just one eye, as I said before, the other one will be covered with hair. Also as mentioned before you will need to learn how to to use your straightener like your life depended on it, it will pretty much be as useful to you as air. You will need to know the proper way to utilize the Myspace angles while taking a picture, if your photos are even a fraction off from other emo's they will know you are a fraud... You will want to try your hand at some poetry, chances are you wont be any good at it but this is not the point, expressing emotions is. If it turns out to be any good, you should definitely form another cookie cutter band in the likes of The Used or Dashboard Confessional. This is the best way to fully express your emo-ness, at least in my opinion... Another way some choose to express themselves is via razor, while I think that cutting yourself is a big no no, I also do not flat iron my hair. I have surrendered to the idea that I just wont understand everything in this life...

I have created a drinking/card game that features emo's. I have done this because Lord knows they will never be able to contribute anything useful on their own other than fishnet gloves and, sweaters with thumb holes, and tear free mascara. (OK, I guess those things are pretty necessary). My game is simple, its called "Guess that Sex", basically there will be a standard deck of cards, all with pictures of emo's on it... The object is to try and guess if the picture is male or female, you guess correctly everyone else drinks, if you are wrong, then you do... You may think that this will be simple, but I have been playing this game silently with myself at the malls, and lets just say I am definitely not sober by the time I leave...

1.13.2010

Day 150--- Whatever Floats Your Boat...


After reading a few of my comments from yesterday I have to say that I am shocked that some of you enjoy my immature writing and dont love Conan's immaturity, but I am not complaining, as long as you keep coming back. Anyways, I am going to write today about a group of people that I have never quite understood in my life... Let it be known that if you are in this group I dont hate you, you dont even necessarily annoy me, but I will judge you from now until the day you die. Just sayin... So without creating any more confusion and excitement, I have decided to write about fans of "professional" wrestling, and maybe a jab or two at wrestlers themselves...

I am hoping if you continued reading past the first paragraph that you are not one of these morons. But if you are I will do my best to only borderline offend and not to hurt y-, well no I'll probably offend you at some point if I'm lucky... I believe it is only fair though with all of the offense that both you guys and wrestling have caused me over the years...

First off lets just get one thing straight, for the record and all that. Wrestling is retarded, it is the real world equivalent to the loser-ness of World of Warcraft, and the human equivalent to Nascar racing... Yes I realize that both of those things have a lot of fans, but sometimes the majority means all the fools are on one side... I would actually rather be seen watching anime and playing World of Warcraft at a Nascar race than I would want anyone to catch me dead at a wrestling match... For that matter even to catch me watching it on TV, I would be more embarrassed being caught with this on than I would be if my entire family walked in on me watching scrambled porn. Because really when you break it down this stuff is really nothing more than softcore gay porn anyways... When half of the moves you cheer the loudest for consist of having another dudes head in your crotch, you might be a gay redneck... (And I have no problem with gays or rednecks but when you put them together some one is bound to get hurt)... Cheering for a wrestling match is like going to a Milli Vanilli reunion tour and pretending you dont know they lipsinc. Being a fan of wrestling is like having a lop sided boob job and trying to pass it off for real boobies... Even when I was a kid I cannot remember a time that I was impressed by these shenanigans...

I think that is part of the reason it shocks me to the core that millions of people across our country get boners for this shit... Now, I would be slightly less shocked if the majority of the followers were developing female teens, you know the Robert Pattinson type, but it is quite the contrary. The fans are typically men from ages 8-55 who are getting their boxers wet to the sight of over grown sweaty dudes with long hair bouncing around on an oversized trampoline in tights. I rather enjoy two sweaty men in shiny shorts hitting each each other in the face repeatedly. But they quickly lose me when they strip to their Vicky's, pretend to smack each other and pull each others hair, and then proceed to pen each other in any one of the Kamasutric moves that they can... I can only imagine the massive amounts of mullets in the crowd and motor homes in the parking lot at one of these events. Second only to a Larry the Cable Guy stand-up concert, and there is absolutely nothing appealing about that scene to me... Knowing that wrestling exists makes me long for the days of gladiators when the fighting was not choreographed and people actually got injured during the match...

As lame as those at home videos are of kids jumping off the roof onto each others heads and then crashing onto a table, at least I would leave watching those with the satisfaction of seeing some blood... I wouldnt be surprised if the WWE or whatever it is called was not even allowed to show blood in their "performances"... The time or two that I have witnessed this stuff, I watched one dude hit another guy in the face multiple times (while adding the stomping effect), and to my surprise and dismay not a drop of blood. Not humanly possible.

OK, I guess I really could rant and rave about this all day, I literally have made fun of these people my entire life. But I guess the truth may just be that I am in the dark about the huge appeal, so can somebody, anybody explain it to me? Why would any self respecting human want to watch this nonsense, there are plenty of fans out there and I just dont get it... So, now is your time to enlighten me...

1.12.2010

Day 149--- (N)othin (B)ut (C)rap....


I did have a different topic planned out for today, but decided to switch it up when I caught wind of the whole Leno/Conan debacle. Of all the low down dirty things I have witnessed in my life this situation is right up there... SO high up on that list in fact it actually feels personal to me... This is the reason I have decided to write a complaint post about the execs at NBC...

Now, if you don't like Conan, you may as well exit this post right now because he is just short of being my idol. If you couldn't tell from my blatant immaturity and intermittent toilet humor Conan is right up my ally... Not only that but the man is a genius, I have seen him live, and his quickness and wit is something I admire and respect... If you do not know the latest, basically Conan was being asked to move "The Tonight Show" to the 12:05 slot so that Leno could have his new shit show at 11:35 because his show failed miserably at the 10pm position. Keep in mind that Leno retired 7 months ago and went Jordan on us only to come back 4 months ago... Conan is not down with changing the "Tonight Show" to 12:05 the next morning, he thinks moving it from the spot it has been at for 60 years would do too much damage to the show, and would also hurt Jimmy Falon at "Late Night"...

The whole situation has me fuming, I have been watching O'Brien for years, and was elated when he finally took over the Tonight Show, for me it was like seeing my child graduate medical school (theoretically speaking)... I fully understand the necessity of ratings and big business, but this is just rape... These NBC douche bags got their panties all in a twist after only giving Conan 7 months to settle into his new spot. Where as Leno took nearly 2 years for his ratings to compete with Letterman... Also the line-up of shows pre- "Tonight Show" are atrocious and in my opinion really where their problems lie. Now it is my opinion that if Jay's new show did not do well in the slot they had given him, maybe that just means that people don't like him as much as they think... I'll admit that I am extremely biased but I know that I am not alone on this one...

Do these executives even watch these shows? I doubt it, my guess is that they do nothing but sit uptown at their lush Manhattan apartments snorting coke and counting their money. They wouldn't know funny if it hit them in the face... Have they not taken into account the amount of people that now watch their TV online... I cannot tell you the last time that I have watched something live, but you better believe I tune in religiously to catch up on Hulu... As you can tell I am just bitter, I feel like they put my buddy Conan in a really shit position so now I am getting defensive. Besides the fact that no one likes Indian givers....

I hope that if Jay does take the spot back over that people exile him like he was the Dixie Chicks, sure he can be funny sometimes, but not funny enough for me to support him coming back to the Tonight Show. I hope that people stop watching the show and his ratings fall below what Conan's have been... I also hope that Conan decides to go to another network and gets in the same time slot, and then I hope his ratings kick the shit out of Leno... This clearly means war... I just hope that enough viewers decide to support Conan... Without him we will no longer have "The Interrupter", or "In the year 2000", or countless other skits special to Conan... Grr... I'm just mad right now, I need to go watch something funny to cheer me up... Hey I know, how about some Conan...

1.11.2010

Day 148--- Cleanup on Aisle 10...


VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE.

I hope that you all still respect me now that you know about my history as a gangster... I understand that it may take some time for you to recover from that last post, but I have faith that you will manage... In the meantime I have created a new post to take your mind off of the last one. Today I am writing about a fun group of people that all of us want to see, but none of us want to be... "The couple's that fight in public"...

Now, I don't know about you, but I imagine if you are even the slightest bit like me that you love to see these couples when you are out... Not only are they excellent entertainment for everyone, but they are a gift from God, sent to remind us how normal "we" actually are... There is nothing that puts me in a better mood faster than seeing a bf and gf having "words" in produce... When I catch wind of one of these situations in progress you better believe that I position myself within earshot for the duration of the battle... Sometimes they are short lived, a quick one line low blow and its back to picking out apples. But every once in a lucky while I catch the "perfect" couple (in my sense of the word) who's opted to settle their domestic dispute at the neighborhood grocer. Oh boy do I love it when they do, if I had time to pop some popcorn and pull up a chair, I would... Nothing stops me from staring right at them, or even tailing them throughout the store if necessary, hey its a free country and I just so happen to enjoy my God given right to view domestic Battle Royale's whenever possible.

I cannot think of anything I would rather see to spice up an average trip to the store than a fight. On the list of things I enjoy watching that I shouldn't, this definitely takes first place, a close second goes to a parent/s getting pissed off at their kid and spanking them or yelling at them... (I was that kid, so I'm allowed to find it funny)...

You guys know that I am always trying to think of ways to make some more money or create a new business... And if you are new to my blog, I am always trying to think of a way to make money, or create a new business, there, now you know also. So I think I have a great new idea for a company, I am going to call it "Couples Gone Wild". First, I am going to buy myself a little Iflip camera, and carry it around with me at all times... Then as soon as I hear a scuffle start to abound I will sneak out my camera and film it, Candid Camera style... As soon as the fight is done, I rush over in excitement and give them each a shirt that says "Couples Gone Wild", with a big "CGW" stamp on the back, and a picture of Bobby and Whitney on the front... I tell them they can catch their video on Youtube, and someday on my own website. I then continue the excitement by tossing confetti into the air and rushing off toward the bread aisle, they are so excited by the shirts that they forget entirely what they were fighting about. Everyone wins... Obviously to get the most footage I will frequent Wal-Marts, K-Marts, and basically any other place with a "-Mart" in the name... That's not profiling, that is just using my noggin... Disclosure: I do not condone physical violence, violence is never the answer, but if it gets my videos more "hits"(pun intended) then it will be gently encouraged...

The sad part about guys and girls fighting in public, and trust me this is the only sad part. Is that the male never wins, even when we win we lose... The girls can be as brutal, as low blowing, and as personal as they want just to get there point across... But if we/guys say anything that even touches on reality then we are the assholes, and when you are called an asshole with a serious face that is an automatic loss... Somehow girls have found this magical loophole to win every fight/argument/disagreement, and the sooner we learn this as males, the better... Its sort of like when your gf/wife says "I'm thirsty", and you (without thinking) just react by walking to the fridge to get them what they want... Situation's reversed...

Me: "Oh boy I'm thirsty"...(10 minutes later)... "ah, I'm parched."... (another 10 min.)... "I could really use something to drink"...

The GF: " You know where the sink is".

I am just thankful that I learned by such a young age how it all works... That's why most of the time if I feel that a nice argument is on it's way, I will just fold and give in. Even though I am never wrong somehow by the end of the argument I would have been... I wonder how this whole phenomenon works out with gay couples... If they are dude's, then maybe they are both just wrong by default, or maybe they settle their differences with a little Roman Greco Wrestling, at least that's what I imagine them doing... How bout the lesbians, you know, the Ellen's, Rosie's, and Oprah's, of the world how do they settle their arguments... Because scientifically, females are always right, so this must be hard when two of them have a confrontation, its confusing, its like sticking a square peg in a round hole... I've got it!!! Maybe the one with the shorter hair is the wrong, makes total sense, the butchier and more manly one, duh... Cant believe I didn't think of this from the beginning...

So who else enjoys watching these social car wrecks? I don't know if that is fair though, I can drive by a car wreck and not look, I cant walk by a fighting couple and not look... They are more like social plane crashes, everyone wants to see at least one of those by the time they die... I don't really know why I am so enthralled by these things, maybe it reminds me of my childhood, maybe it is foreshadowing my future, whatever it is you cannot deny me of my pleasure... BUT, you can help me with it... I suggest you guys to all carry around camera phones and Iflips so you can email me any videos of fighting couples that I may have not had the fortune to witness first hand... So go, go now unto the world of grocery stores, family vacations, and shopping malls and see what you can find me...



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