1.11.2010

Day 148--- Cleanup on Aisle 10...


VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE.

I hope that you all still respect me now that you know about my history as a gangster... I understand that it may take some time for you to recover from that last post, but I have faith that you will manage... In the meantime I have created a new post to take your mind off of the last one. Today I am writing about a fun group of people that all of us want to see, but none of us want to be... "The couple's that fight in public"...

Now, I don't know about you, but I imagine if you are even the slightest bit like me that you love to see these couples when you are out... Not only are they excellent entertainment for everyone, but they are a gift from God, sent to remind us how normal "we" actually are... There is nothing that puts me in a better mood faster than seeing a bf and gf having "words" in produce... When I catch wind of one of these situations in progress you better believe that I position myself within earshot for the duration of the battle... Sometimes they are short lived, a quick one line low blow and its back to picking out apples. But every once in a lucky while I catch the "perfect" couple (in my sense of the word) who's opted to settle their domestic dispute at the neighborhood grocer. Oh boy do I love it when they do, if I had time to pop some popcorn and pull up a chair, I would... Nothing stops me from staring right at them, or even tailing them throughout the store if necessary, hey its a free country and I just so happen to enjoy my God given right to view domestic Battle Royale's whenever possible.

I cannot think of anything I would rather see to spice up an average trip to the store than a fight. On the list of things I enjoy watching that I shouldn't, this definitely takes first place, a close second goes to a parent/s getting pissed off at their kid and spanking them or yelling at them... (I was that kid, so I'm allowed to find it funny)...

You guys know that I am always trying to think of ways to make some more money or create a new business... And if you are new to my blog, I am always trying to think of a way to make money, or create a new business, there, now you know also. So I think I have a great new idea for a company, I am going to call it "Couples Gone Wild". First, I am going to buy myself a little Iflip camera, and carry it around with me at all times... Then as soon as I hear a scuffle start to abound I will sneak out my camera and film it, Candid Camera style... As soon as the fight is done, I rush over in excitement and give them each a shirt that says "Couples Gone Wild", with a big "CGW" stamp on the back, and a picture of Bobby and Whitney on the front... I tell them they can catch their video on Youtube, and someday on my own website. I then continue the excitement by tossing confetti into the air and rushing off toward the bread aisle, they are so excited by the shirts that they forget entirely what they were fighting about. Everyone wins... Obviously to get the most footage I will frequent Wal-Marts, K-Marts, and basically any other place with a "-Mart" in the name... That's not profiling, that is just using my noggin... Disclosure: I do not condone physical violence, violence is never the answer, but if it gets my videos more "hits"(pun intended) then it will be gently encouraged...

The sad part about guys and girls fighting in public, and trust me this is the only sad part. Is that the male never wins, even when we win we lose... The girls can be as brutal, as low blowing, and as personal as they want just to get there point across... But if we/guys say anything that even touches on reality then we are the assholes, and when you are called an asshole with a serious face that is an automatic loss... Somehow girls have found this magical loophole to win every fight/argument/disagreement, and the sooner we learn this as males, the better... Its sort of like when your gf/wife says "I'm thirsty", and you (without thinking) just react by walking to the fridge to get them what they want... Situation's reversed...

Me: "Oh boy I'm thirsty"...(10 minutes later)... "ah, I'm parched."... (another 10 min.)... "I could really use something to drink"...

The GF: " You know where the sink is".

I am just thankful that I learned by such a young age how it all works... That's why most of the time if I feel that a nice argument is on it's way, I will just fold and give in. Even though I am never wrong somehow by the end of the argument I would have been... I wonder how this whole phenomenon works out with gay couples... If they are dude's, then maybe they are both just wrong by default, or maybe they settle their differences with a little Roman Greco Wrestling, at least that's what I imagine them doing... How bout the lesbians, you know, the Ellen's, Rosie's, and Oprah's, of the world how do they settle their arguments... Because scientifically, females are always right, so this must be hard when two of them have a confrontation, its confusing, its like sticking a square peg in a round hole... I've got it!!! Maybe the one with the shorter hair is the wrong, makes total sense, the butchier and more manly one, duh... Cant believe I didn't think of this from the beginning...

So who else enjoys watching these social car wrecks? I don't know if that is fair though, I can drive by a car wreck and not look, I cant walk by a fighting couple and not look... They are more like social plane crashes, everyone wants to see at least one of those by the time they die... I don't really know why I am so enthralled by these things, maybe it reminds me of my childhood, maybe it is foreshadowing my future, whatever it is you cannot deny me of my pleasure... BUT, you can help me with it... I suggest you guys to all carry around camera phones and Iflips so you can email me any videos of fighting couples that I may have not had the fortune to witness first hand... So go, go now unto the world of grocery stores, family vacations, and shopping malls and see what you can find me...



14 comments:

Juliana said...

This is me saying hi! I LOVE your blog. I actually like it so much it is going on my blogroll as soon as I get past the word verifcation under this comment.

I have seen some really good fights in my time esp doing corporate retail...a lot of fights happen while shopping!

Christopher said...

Oh yea, gotta love that one. The best one I ever saw was on the subway. This lady was arguing with her husband and then started punching him. He fell over and actually ran to the door and crossed to the next car. It was great.

Allyson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allyson said...

funniest is when you are in the liquor store and a couple is there arguing over what kind of beer to buy, you have serious problems if you cant even agree about alcohol

Sylvia said...

LMAOO @ ur comment on my blog about spumonis garden! Isnt it freaken amazing!
Uhgg...I love watching people fight as well! LOL I ain't ashame either, I could sit with some chocolate and popcorn and watch! Loves it!

That Gal Kiki said...

I just voted (again) fur'ya.

My boyfriend, Kevin and I just witnessed a HUGE fight (she was yelling at him loudly) just outside Alberton's. It sounded like it was about a Movie; who wanted to see what.

I hope she gets the meds she needs. I felt for the dude.

ScoMan said...

Wow, you get sink privileges? I'm still stuck on "toilet" or "go look at the sky with your mouth open" which only works on rainy days.

I love seeing a couple fighting, but I can't stare or follow them like you do. I have to rush to the next aisle and try and find good positioning among the other 30 people already marking their spot.

Tracie said...

The question is, where will you keep all of those t-shirts and confetti?

I always stop in a store and listen to a good couple fight....all those "marts" should provide you with a complimentary popcorn when you walk in.

Mr. Knucklehead said...

See, you're missing the opportunity for fun. When I see that happening, I go over and stand behind one of the participants and give them one-liners and encouragement.

It's only gotten my ass kicked a couple times and it's hilarious.

angel6033 said...

aww, I love these people lol, I hav one of this couples living upstairs from me, they fight all the time, outside, inside, in the car. I found out he was a male stripper and that explains a lot lol...

Nomad said...

julianna- welcome, thanks for the blogroll, i prefer egg rolls but that will do... get it? egg rolls...

christopher- the subway is never short of excitement.

sylvia- meant every word of it.

kiki- <3

sco- sometimes...

tracie- my pants, i keep lots of stuff in there...

knucklehead- i'll try that

angel-yum

Sara Marie said...

hahahaahahaha I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at your idea for your website... I can actually see you doing that - pictured the whole thing in my head and it was awesome.

hosting india said...

I have seen some really good fights in my time esp doing corporate retail...a lot of fights happen while shopping!

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