1.16.2010

Day 153--- Interview With a Werewolf...


VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE

Hey guys, I was supposed to do a parody post this week for the Contest over at Knuckleheads place, but I cannot put this story off any longer. Some of you may know that I have been studying all mythical creatures for years, from super-heroes, to Greek Gods, all the way back down to the every day werewolves and vampires...

I decided I would take a research trip to the northwest late in 2009 to study the the most recent findings made by Dr. Stephanie Meyer. My adventure took me to a small, lush, damp town just off of the west coast in Washington state. You know Forks as a utensil, but for me Forks was Mecca, my holy land, and my Eden, once I heard about all the abnormal activity that had been occurring there over the years. My intent was to observe both groups of mutants before establishing contact with the werewolves, I knew the task was lofty, but I was determined.

To my amazement everyone in town went about their lives blind to the fact they lived amongst silently dueling monsters, and here I was spending my days and nights entranced in my own personal sci-fi safari. It did not take long for me to identify my ideal specimen... I had seen Jacob in Cheaper by the Dozen and Adventures of Shark Boy, obviously before he realized he was an awful actor destined to be a werewolf. I also assumed due to his consistent exposure to the outside world that he would be the easiest to establish contact with and more than likely the most willing to speak to me.

After only one week of stalking him back and forth between Forks and LaPush I decided that it was time to pull the crazed fan routine...

Jacob pulled into the local market on his dirt bike and I followed him into the lot... As soon as he'd dismounted the crotch rocket I was at his side; a poster of him in one hand and my sharpie in the other... He didn't even flinch at my booming excitement, I imagine he had become used to fans after the popularity that his new movie held for its first weekend... As he tried to find a flat place to sign I suggested he press up against the side of my "rapist cargo van" because it would be the flattest surface around . As soon as he came within a foot of the sliding door, the rest of my crew that I had not mentioned earlier slid open the door and yanked him in. I jumped in the front seat and off we flew. What Jacob did not realize was that he had just been captured by the number one team of werewolf hunters in the world and we were going to use him to infiltrate the rest of his pack and bring them down from the inside... No, I'm kidding this is not so much To Catch a Predator as it is 20/20. However, while our only intention was to question Jacob, we had to be sure that he was in a safe enclosed environment just in case he decided to shape shift mid interview... Once we were en route to our interview destination we explained our precautions to him, he politely stopped rattling the cage.



Once we had arrived at the secluded location we decided that it would be safe to allow Jacob out of the cage, but we shackled his hands and feet together and then to a rusted iron loop stuck in the ground. We were confident that this was enough to hold him, at least while he was calm. We then sat him in a large metal chair and scooted an interrogation table up to him. Shortly after I joined him with a chair across the table, and the staring contest began. Going into this operation I had convinced myself that I would not be nervous, but nothing could prepare me for my "Interview With a Werewolf"... (cue mood music)...

When I met Jacob for the first time I was instantly mesmerized. As I stared at his massive white teeth and into his enchanting eyes I was literally baffled that team Edward had even existed... How you could choose a cold pale monster over this perfection of beast? Even his voice was Godlike, not to mention his Hercule-ic muscle tone and bone structure. Once I had gotten over my initial awe I decided it was time to introduce myself, I explained to him that we meant no harm and that I just wanted to get an insiders take on the rise of their sworn enemies popularity since the release of Bella Swan's memoirs. After giving him a rotting deer bone to chew on and letting him sniff my butt he agreed to help us with the story.

I had spent months rehearsing these questions nervously in front of my mirror, but as I sat here in front of him I felt a sudden familiarity come over me. My first question was a designated ice breaking question, "Jacob, how do you feel about the recent drop in werewolf masks at Halloween?... Initially thought to be caused by the troubled economy, until reports that Dracula masks nearly tripled previous years records...".

Jacob replied with a bit of a chuckle, "These types of trends have been repeating for the past 1,000 years, it is actually one of the reasons that we became enemies in the first place. With that being said I am certain that there will be an upswing in wolf masks once the new Anthony Hopkins movie comes out. You humans are so quick to point fingers, take global warming for instance, its gotten a bit warmer in the few hundred years you have been keeping track, yet you forget that my people have seen this climate cycle before".

I was taken back by how insightful and political his answer was, I forgot that they have cable in this part of the country...

I then inquired about the their diminishing food supply due to the over abundance of pale faces in the area... You could tell that this question struck a nerve, "It is not so much that the pale faces eat most of our food, but it is the sheer amount that they waste, they will kill a deer and suck it dry leaving a rotting carcass in the forest. Typical American Vampires".


As I started my next question I felt a sudden breeze rush past my neck, as soon as my chill bumps subsided a blur zipped across my peripherals... Just then both of my helpers fell to their knees within seconds of each other, both with blood rushing from their neck. As I turned back to face Jacob there was Edward Cullen trying to undo his chains... He threatened that I would be next to die if I did not release Jacob, shaking like Muhammad Ali I reached into my pants to retrieve the keys... As soon as I had them in my hand Edward was already grabbing them from me, Bella was not joking about the cold hands, somebody get this dude some gloves.

Edward had Jacob free in a matter of seconds, but nothing prepared me for what happened next. To this point it had not quite dawned on my why Edward was helping Jacob, but after their 30 second slow motion embrace the reasoning was crystal clear. With Bella out of the picture apparently the sexual tension finally became too much for the two of them. After another minute of nick-name calling and Eskimo kisses both blood thirsty monsters turned their focus back to me. When I finished pissing myself I tried to think of a way to escape... However, this idea only lasted until I remembered Edward's mind reading ability... I was doomed.


After about 30 seconds of heavy breathing and pose changes Jacob decided to speak. He knew the look in Edwards eyes meant I was soon to be dinner, but it was clear Jacob wanted to use me. (Not in that way sickos, neither of them are into humans anymore). He promised that as long as I went to see all of the Twilight movies that they would spare my life... I agreed that as torturous and as embarrassing as that may be that it was worth doing to keep my life. They also decided to strip me down and dress me up from head to toe in Twilight attire. They finally released me back to my van...

I drove off as quick as I could, but quickly noticed that they were tailing me... Worried that they had changed their minds I pulled into the first parking lot that I found. I got out of the car and ran up to the closest building with a crowd. It just so happens that the building I ran up to was this movie theater... Needless to say that is why I am wearing this horrific outfit right now, obviously a man of my stature would not normally wear anything related to Twilight...

Thank you so much for listening to my story and I know there is a line forming behind me, but before I let you go can I please get one ticket to the 9 o'clock showing of New Moon...? I better go now in case they are still watching me... I swear that is the only reason...


OK, so that was my attempt at a parody post... Now that you know it is not true I need to clear the air, I have not seen New Moon and I do not own any Twilight apparel, my facts may be a little skewed, don't judge me. But please do vote!!!!!!!










16 comments:

kaloo said...

I forgive you for pretending to like Twilight... Thank god it was a lie.

LMJ said...

LOL!
There's no where to vote right now at Knucklehead's. I'll check in later.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

hey stopping in from Life with Candice blog. I will read you post later, in a bit of a hurry.

onsundaymorning said...

Absolutely hilarious.

Formysake said...

LOL, gay fanfiction, nice. haha

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I haven't seen the film(s), but it's not hard to picture Taylor Lautner gay. And is it just me, or is he weird looking, anyway?

Mariann Simms said...

Somewhere I see a restraining order being typed up with your name on it. ;)

Oh, someone cue Duran Duran's "New Moon on Monday" song already.

MaryRC said...

clever

ScoMan said...

It wasn't until you mentioned "Team Edward" that I remembered hearing something about a "Team Jacob" so the first part of this post was a bit of a "Who the hell is this guy and why does he deserve kidnapping when people let me go about my grocery shopping in peace?"

Vicky said...

I voted for you dude!

The pick of vamp just about to make out with the were-dog thing cinched it for me.

Good luck x

Sara Marie said...

I was forced to see new moon. I wanted to shoot myself if the face with a double barrel shotgun the whole time.

Did I mention that I brought three flasks full of booze and drank the whole time...

angel6033 said...

this was great lol...and now off to vote!

Allyson said...

clever, voted for you!

Nomad said...

i hear they should be releasing some video in march.

crystal wine glasses said...

Interview with the vampire.i'd prefer to be a werewolf from the 'underworld' franchise as you can choose when to change and can change at anytime and can go out in the day light.

website designer india said...

i LIKE THIS MOVIE VERY MUCH

Related Posts with Thumbnails