1.22.2010

Day 157--- If You Like See Food, You'll Love Hear Food...


This post is for my girlfriend. I should let her write it because the annoying person for the day is the one that bugs her more than anything on earth. But I don't know if I trust her with my blog, not that she couldn't get the point across in a funny manner, just that she has access to way too many photos that should stay off the net. Go ahead and toss that around in your imagination for a while.... The person/people that I have decided to honor on her behalf, are all of the loud chewers of the world...

I want to start off by saying that I believe that there are at least two main categories that these people fall into. First there are the actual loud chewers, the ones who don't think twice about chomping away with their mouths wide open. The ones who eat so disgustingly that they practically have to use there tongue every so often to catch food from falling out... That is the first group. Then there is the second group, the group of people that you and I would never notice, the people who chew with their mouths closed, and chew just quiet enough to not even be a blip on our radar. But, to my supersonic ear of a girlfriend these guys are apparently just as loud as the first ones. How do I know that they exist you ask? Well, that's simple, I am one of them... Nearly every meal that involves any sort of a crunch is clearly like nails on a chalk board to her. She will sit there and smile at me, while I know darn good and well that she wishes I would eat in the next room. Sometimes she even has to try and turn her hatred into something she can compliment me on, otherwise I think she might try and off me in my sleep. She will say things like "You seriously have the perfect bite sound for a television commercial". Which really means "I hate you so much right now, where are my head phones?"... But, there is really nothing I can do about it, unless you guys know anyone trying to cast a Tostitos Commercial...

Now, I am on board with the hatred of the first group and I don't even possess great manners. I used to have this great grandma (like that set up), and she would not close her mouth to chew anything... And she was not one of those people who was like one chew, two chew, swallow. She would chew everything to the point it looked like baby food, she would chew it to the point that when it got to the stomach it didn't even need to be digested anymore, she would chew it so mu-OK I think you get the point. This would all be happening with her mouth wide open, and the worst part was that she somehow used her tongue to stir things around, it looked like taffy being pulled apart over and over. Now, if you have an imagination at all you have already involuntarily imagined what a mess that was, but now if you would just try and imagine the sound with me... It was as bad, if not worse than the visual effects that came with the show... I have seen/heard many a loud chewers in my life but nothing was as awful as this woman.

I'm sure these people have hundreds of excuses for chewing so loudly, some of them may have trouble breathing out their nose, therefore forcing them to chew like an animal. Some of them may even be deaf people who cant quite tell how loud they really are, I would even venture to say that some of them may have been born in a barn, because isn't that where all people with bad manners were born? But I am here once and for all to rid the world of these loud chewers, both for myself and for the crazies out there like my gf... Since Hitler kinda ruined that whole genocide thing I have been forced to come up with another plan... I am a firm believer that some people are so stupid that you can train them just like you would an animal. It is with this belief that I have formed R.T.W.O.L.C.C. (rid the world of loud chewers confederation)... Our mission will be hard, but I believe it will be worth it. With government funding (because here in the U.S. they will fund anything that isn't necessary) we will post our employees in every major food establishment in the country. Armed only with a spray bottle, a decibel measurement device, and a taser they will stand and wait for someone to chew above the pre-determined government regulated level. Once they hear a disturbance they will promptly walk over to them and squirt them square in the face with the water, this method has worked wonders in stopping cats from clawing things and dogs from barking, so I assume humans should follow in suit. Besides, any real human wouldn't dare to chew too loud after it becomes semi illegal. The second infraction will get you tas'd, sure there are some kinks to work out but I think it will be a fun trial and error period...


11 comments:

Secretia said...

My brother is a loud eater, it sounds like three pigs fighting at the trough when he's eating!

Shanna R. Riker said...

Loud eaters are the worst. UGH!!!

Juliana said...

My mommy is the loudest chewer ever...like a cow, or what it would sound like if Big Foot ate some Captin Crunch. I SNAPPED at her yesterday and I felt pretty bad. She is a nurse and is here helping me while I deal with KIDNEY stones and I snapped at her for chewing loudy. I. Am. A. Bitch.

A ditracted bitch. Wow you have had visitors from 98 countries? That is pretty swell.

kaloo said...

Unfortunately I was one of those, but my sister was scary enough to break me of it.

LMJ said...

My hubby does that. I wish he would stop.

Christopher said...

I learned as a child to chew with my mouth closed rather quickly because every time I chewed with my mouth open I'd hear "What, were you born in a barn?" followed by my mothers flip-flop beaning me in the back of the head.

ScoMan said...

The perfect bite for a television commercial.. Zing!

I have a friend who doesn't eat with his mouth closed and makes some weird slapping noise while he eats. I've found the one thing he doesn't do it with is kebabs.. so now if I have to eat with him I look for the nearest kebab joint. He must think I really love kebabs.

You should have included the annoying coffee slurpers in this group.. but I guess when you have 365 days to get through, you need to split some groups in two. Kind of.

angel6033 said...

a huge pet peeve of mine, I get supper annoyed I have to just walk away I cant stand it at all..

Candice said...

Hahaha, my brother used to hum while he chewed. So annoying.

Nomad said...

glad to hear that my readers have manners!

website designer india said...

HHOHOHOH.. ITS REALLT FUNNY.

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