Hello everyone and welcome to week 4 of Knuckleheads Blogger Idol Contest... This week we are down to four competitors so all votes I can get are of the utmost importance. Of course I encourage you all to have a glance at the other posts, but only a glance... This week our challenge was to write a post filled with "observational humor", be sure to let me know how I do... (I believe voting starts at 11am on Sunday)
What do loo, bathroom, toilet, powder room, restroom, outhouse, water closet, WC, head, ladies, gents, lavatory, crapper, shitter, latrine, dunny, netty, khazi, John, and the lavvie all have in common? Besides being the number one place for politicians to pick up sex at airports it is also the place that we as humans spend one-fifth of our lives. (1/5 was a complete guess, but a community college educated one). Spending countless hours on the potty myself I have devised a list of things that annoy me the most that have to do with the throne room. In order to lure in the voters with the shortest attention span I am going to write these out in bullet point fashion, but I assure you when I get my book deal I can convert to paragraph form...
(In no particular order)
1. One of my first fears/problems when using a bathroom is the anticipation of a cold seat. Not that I sit down every time, but when the opportunity presents itself I am always worried about that initial contact. Luckily if it scares anything out I am already in position.
2. Another annoyance is unknowingly walking into a recently used stall or bathroom and having a less than inviting funk gifted to me by the last person... There is always that awful initial shock wave that hits me when I get through squeezing myself in there. Along with that shock wave there is also the all too familiar ungodly heat that manifests itself, like the person before me had just been building a fire or carrying a space heater. When I run into this problem and had seen another stall open I always try to make it to that one before someone else does. Without fail as soon as you step out of the sauna stall someone else takes your place, no doubt blaming you for the disaster they just encountered... By this point I dont even have to go any more so I run out crying... or maybe thats just me...
3. How about leaning against a wet sink...?? You know when you reach over to pump the soap and you get the nice wet line straight across your outfit... It never fails. No matter how many times I try and remind myself to check before I bend over I always forget until it is too late and wind up leaving the bathroom looking like I pissed myself.
4. Weak toilets. These are the worst on so many levels... This always seems to happen at the worst possible time too. For instance, being at a new crushes house for the first time... Nerves have gotten the best of you so you excuse yourself for a quick trip to the Superbowl... Once you have finished you quickly try and flush the evidence only to find out that their toilet has the water pressure of a eye dropper. It doesnt matter that there was only one nug and 3 squares of toilet paper this shit is not going down! (quite literally)... Panic mode sets in, you even debate fishing it out and tossing it out the window, but you dont want poo-hand the rest of the night... You wait for the water to stop running and you give it another go... *praying*... the water rises as you try and keep yourself from fainting. You have already been in there too long, and there is no way to play off that second flush, she/he knows you are pooping now... meanwhile, THE WATER IS STILL RISING... You notice the plunger in the far corner, its dry and dusty... Does this mean that no one else has ever clogged this thing? No time to waste, only 3 inches til spill over, you grab it and start jamming away... Finally you hear that familiar sucking sound of glory... The toilet has taken the bait, it finally decided your poo was worthy... You twirl the plunger around to air-dry, dont want to leave more evidence than necessary. You give one more post-cautionary flush just to make sure the treasure is gone, you are in luck. Dry the seat off with some TP, close the lid, and head back over to the sink, you are on the home stretch now... WHEN BAM... You lean over to reach the soap and get attacked by the wet sink monster... Now they not only think you were pooping, but that you peed yourself as well... Maybe you should just climb out the window.
5. This briefly touches on an old post of mine, but it is completely necessary... I absolutely can not stand bathroom attendants... I know you handed me a paper towel, but I am fully capable of grabbing that myself, plus it wasnt yours to begin with... There is nowhere on earth that I believe that skill is worth a dollar tip... Frankly you would be hard pressed to find me in a non-cheap enough mood to find that action worth more than a coin with Abraham Lincoln on it. (A penny for those of you outside the U.S.)... The only thing I can see being worth a dollar is if you were to come into the stall and wipe me... Then maybe I would give you a dollar. See you there.
6. "Stage Fart", I call this one... Most people get stage fright, but I get stage fart... This happens when you are forced to do a #2 in either a very quiet public bathroom with lots of other people in it... Or when you are at a friends house whose bathroom just so happens to be right next to the room that they and the rest of your friends/or their family are waiting in... For instance the old 1/2 bathroom right off of the kitchen... There is not many things worse than having to drop the kids off at the pool with your friends entire family silently eating less than an earshot away... Sometimes you can turn the fan on and it will be enough, maybe even the sink as a back up... But there are those times that you sit down and you know you are about to blast off with the airy trumpet farts before anything of substance will make its way out... You sit there waiting for minutes that feel like an eternity for someone to drop a fork or spill their glass so you can just push it all out in one fail sw-poop, but seldom are we that lucky... We all know that everyone poops, it just sucks to have to be the guy playing the colon trombone in the next room while people are trying to enjoy their meal.
7. Technology is great. With that being said, I hate motion censored sinks... My hate is justified because I have spent more time waving my hands around in front of them like a magician doing card tricks than I have actually spent washing my hands. Maybe I just have bad luck, but I can never seem to find the one that works right away. I will walk down the entire counter of sinks before I find one that will turn on... The trail of water my shirt has just dragged through tells me that some other genius has had no problem figuring them out...I understand that these things were made as a convenience to us and to probably help save some water. But I either find the inconvenient ones that wont start or the ones that will not shut off... Needless to say I have become all to familiar with the Hellen Keller sink dance.
8. I may be the only one to ever think/worry about this but it still needs to be mentioned... I can not stand it when I am staying at a friends house and all they have for me to dry off with after a shower is a white towel... I think that this is a fear that stemmed from my childhood when maybe I didnt wash myself as thouroughly as I should/could have and I would end up leaving my signature on the towel... As soon as I would do it I would go bury that towel into the dirty clothes and find a new one, but this is a luxury that is not always possible when you are a guest in someone's home. Now, I have gotten much better at cleaning myself off, especially when using a loofa but the fear is still very real... Think twice before you invite me for a slumber party.
9. This is the ninth, and although I said these were in no particular order this is probably my biggest annoyance from the bunch... I cannot stand it when I get done taking a shower, get half way dried off, and then realize that I have to take a crap... Especially when the only reason I took a shower in the first place was to double check how good my wiping skills are... (JK)... Its like when I used to own a car and it would not have rained for months, then I finally decided to take it in and pay the $20 for a nice wash down... Then right as I pull out of the car wash parking lot it starts pouring... (Although I have learned that it is the best time to overcome constipation). Here I am post shower, faced with a poo-lemma, do I just go and then re-shower, do I just finish drying off, poo, and then start off only so fresh and so-so clean, or do I just hold it completely hoping that its just a false alarm or foreshadowing... Its really one of the toughest decisions that we have to make as mature adults... May the Force be with you.
I think that is enough toilet humor for now. I hape that most of you could relate to at least one or two of these annoyances that plague my daily life... Feel free to leave me a comment explaining your favorite or adding another one, and feel obligated to head over to Knuckleheads domain and vote for 365 Days of People!!!! Please and thank you...