2.06.2010

Day 168--- The Magical Fruit...


I just want to start the post today by congratulating the New Orleans Saints on a very nice win this evening... (Three or four of them read my blog on a daily basis, including Drew Brees, so it would almost be rude of me to not give them a shout out...) Really though, that was a very impressive game and I would say after the offensive year they had this year they deserved to cap it off with a win... Plus Drew Brees is just sooo much cuter than Manning right ladies... Speaking of bad smells that reminds me about the post (like that segway?)... I felt that it was about time for another gross-ish post, so here it is... People who fart in enclosed places...

We all know the classic elevator scene where someone drops the bomb and leaves the rest of the people to suffer in their flatulent-ation, but these demons are certainly not limited to elevators. Get them anywhere that a window is closed and air is not flowing properly and they are more than likely to strike... After years of both controlled and uncontrolled research I believe that the most common reason for someone to do this is that they take pleasure in seeing others in pain... There can be no other reason that someone would wait until they are locked up in an non-ventilated area, most normal people shy away from blasting off in public for fear of embarrassment, but I believe these but menaces actually go out looking for opportunities to spread their dirty air seeds...

They will often be the ones at work who are chowing down on the can of beans for lunch, in the F. Arters Handbook this is known as the most common form of ammunition; in layman's terms, "the magical fruit". Now, I understand that farting is a normal human occurrence, unless you are a female, but this does not mean that you need to save up your chemical butt-fare for everyone else to choke on... There are proper, more mature ways and locations to dispense your ass clouds and all of those places include some sort of air circulation...

There are a few places that these poo-foggers like to frequent, I have compiled a short list of places that you may want to be aware of...

- Elevators, a given, this is actually where they train.
- In bed, these blanket bandits can be male or female, favorite move- "the dutch oven".
- In line at the Post Office, where the air is already stale with death and hatred from lack of circulation and customer service.
- Airplanes, buses, or cars, anywhere that you cannot open a window or a door. (More than likely it is the (driver, pilot, stewardess).
- Gym. These may be accidental, but they still smell like they have purpose.
- Any type of school class, or office building with poor air circulation... (very hard to execute an S.B.D. fart in school due to chairs with loud ricochet capability, but it can happen) (S.B.D. = silent but deadly).
The list could carry on I am sure, but all this talk about colon dusters is making me hungry so I am going to have to leave you guys with seven... If you can think of any other places that you have been an unsuspecting victim of some one's poo-tanani please add it to the comments to warn everyone else... In the meantime you might just want to carry around a mini bottle of Febreeze to lighten up the air when someone decides to crop dust your next elevator ride...

6 comments:

Allyson said...

my boyfriend has the worst farts ever, not only do they smell but they are loud, and his favorite spot is under the blanket

and girls do fart, and poo---sexy i know

ScoMan said...

I actually found myself being one of these people the other day. Not on purpose. I was in my brothers bedroom and I'm not sure what was on the pizza I'd had, but it didn't smell pleasant.

Girl About Business said...

LMAO- This just made my day! I'm a loud farter with no scent! So as disgusting as they may sound, they're actually not so bad! Now my boyfriend on the other hand, his farts deserve their own blog post!

One that I couldn't get over was my coworker farting in our office that didn't have any windows, and was the size of an adolescent's bedroom. Very gross!

Jewels Diva said...

Scoman - that's gross. Your poor brother. AND WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SMELL IT FOR!!

I don't like people who do that. I understand that sometimes it just comes out depending on what you're doing at the time, but still, stop being gross people.

Guys in particular think it's funny.

IT'S NOT!!!!

Kyle said...

Two things:
1. I cant seem to run without farting anymore. It makes life on the treadmill more interesting since my Ipod makes hearing if the farts are loud or not more difficult.
2. Girls have the weirdest smelling farts. Why?

angel6033 said...

lol, I have never had this hapen to me, I consider myself very lucky :) ...

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