Day 180--- Take It OFF!!!

So the U.S lost to Canada tonight in the Hockey Olympic Finals thingy. Big Whoop, finally you guys have found something that you can beat us in (and only like 528 people care about hockey anyways) . Well, this doesn't take into account crime rates, and health care and all the important stuff OK. Basically I am only talking about sports here... Well, Yay. I have another early morning at work so I am going to keep this post short like a midgets temper, I swear those things get angry so easily... Today I would like to call attention to another group of idiots that are too unimportant to name, but just important to blog about; the guys who leave tags and stickers on hats and clothes after they buy them.

I am not sure if this is a worldwide trend, so some of you may not know what I am referring to, consider yourselves lucky. It is basically this trend that popped up here sometime in the 90's and according to the douche bag on the bus today it is still occurring in some smaller, less fashionable cities across the nation.

The most common offenders are the guys who like to keep the size stickers (you know the gold ones) on their fitted sport hats... I think this was one of those things that was started when some big black dude went to school one day after he had bought a new hat and he had forgotten to take the sticker off. When someone pointed it out, instead of allowing himself to look stupid he beat up the guy who told him and claimed that it was the new style. From then on every person at that school with a new hat made it a point to keep the sticker on, peer pressure at its finest. From there it spread out nationally and now plagues my eyes. Two things you may ask, first why does the guy in my story have to be black? Simple, because I like fried chicken. Second, why do I let so many things annoy me, I mean its just a little sticker. Simple again, I like fried chicken...

The keeping of tags on clothes came about a little later, maybe 2001-2-3ish. This could have happened the same way but I like to imagine it this way. Some girl. Whatever shape, size, and color you'd like to imagine. Bought a new dress for a blind date. Since it was a blind date and she hadn't had much luck in the past she spent a little more than she normally would have. She told herself that she would keep the dress if the date went well, and she would return it if it was a flop. To ensure return-ability she taped the tag up inside the dress... At some point during the night, that sneaky bastard of a tag came loose and OK... I'm bored with this story already... We will never really know why the F people keep the tags on their clothes. But what we do know is they must not wash them...

Day 179--- "Robert Oh Robert, Let Down Your Hair"...

Welcome to another installment of bloge de Ryane. I think that's Spanish, just adding an E onto things right? Anyways, today's blog is about dudes with long hair...

I am not talking about the guys with like hair down over their ears, which would be long to most of us and I am not even talking about the emo's with their hair down over one of their eyes. I am talking about shoulder length, walk up behind and mistake for a woman hair... I can think of two times in the history of the world that these hair do's may have been cool. The first is with Samson from the Bible, of course if you get your strength from your long hair it is hip, who knows though. Maybe he just told people that so that they didn't make fun of him for having chick hair, guess we will never know. The second, more recent period in history that it was acceptable to have long hair was during the 70's, 80's, and maybe early nineties when head banging was an acceptable white persons dance move... I mean think about how stupid you would look head banging with short hair, you would most definitely look mentally handicapped. If I were to add a third acceptable time, it would have to include any mullet ever, especially the Billy Ray, but I just think that opens the flood gates to too much interpretation.

What possesses dudes to grow their hair out so long? I really am curious, after the movie Troy one year I decided I was going to grow my hair out so I could be Brad Pitt for Halloween. I made it about 3 weeks past when I would normally cut my hair and had a fit and shaved the entire thing... Are they doing it to stay warm? I can imagine that having long flowing locks of hair would be quite nice in those brisk winter months. But I don't think that is why they do it. Is it so that they can have something in common with the ladies, it may be a great secret ice breaker that I don't know about... "Hey what kind of hair dryer do you use? Your hair is so pretty..." , and you're in. It would just be creepy if I tried this approach. Perhaps they are growing it out in order to one day be able to donate to "Locks of Love", a noble cause I must agree... I am sure that their may be countless reasons that these guys deem it necessary to grow their hair out but I am apparently in the dark to all of the good ones...

Guys with long hair scare me even more than girls with short hair, that should speak volumes... Ratio-ishly speaking girls with short hair can pull the look off 6 out of 10 times, however guys with long hair teeter somewhere between the 0 to 1 range. These facts straight from the United States Census. What is even worse than these guys who insist on having long hair are the ones who also find it poignant to fix it into styles designated for females, I have seen more than one guy with pig-tails in my day and that is not a pretty sight. Either they were in the very early stages of transgender-ing or they were sorely confused as to what their options were with long hair. (the pony tail, or nothing). None of these braids, or bangs, or curls, come on now...

When it is all said and done, most of the dudes of the world with long hair are the ones who could probably kick the shit out of me, so I had better wrap it up here before I take it to far. Mozoltov.

Day 178--- Its Not Funny, But it IS...

I have a new addiction, and it has forced my hand at another post. Before I begin I know I am going to be judged, both for the writing of this post and for the watching of this show. But there are people out there that watched Dawson's Creek so I really don't feel that ashamed. So its time to spill the beans on my new TV show addiction while at the same time introducing today's blog victim... Teen moms...

Now I am fully aware that MTV just selected the most entertaining teens to put on this show, and in this day and age entertaining basically boils down to trashy, stupid, and slutty. So I am not under the impression that all teen moms in the world behave this way. But since I have an observational blog, I felt that the girls on this show could not go un-observed. For those of you who have not seen this show, it basically follows the lives of 4 teen girls for a year or so after they have their first child. How MTV knew that they would all be such a mess and therefore supremely entertaining I will never know, but I also don't know why M(usic)TV does not play music any more, I've learned to stop asking questions.

Part of me hopes that MTV is just playing this show so as a form of birth control for all of the other little idiots out there who think that they need to be riding the crazy train in 8Th grade... OK, I may be old fashioned, but I think it just seems weird to be baby-making before you can even drive. Besides this is why Christians invented oral sex, so they could have some fun before marriage without breaking all the rules... (That sounded totally awful, but I used this loop-hole as well...) Speaking of holes, where are the dads in all of this. I all of a sudden feel bad that I am putting the moms on blast when it is really the dads little swimmers who are at fault. On the show there is only one couple that seems to still get along. The rest of them look like they want to kill each other, and then there is the one whorish girl who probably doesn't even know who the baby daddy is, and if she does MTV certainly doesn't.

We all know that 9 out of 10 first children are accidents, but why is it that these accidents continue to happen to younger and younger girls. Is it the music? Should we blame Lady Gaga? Is it the movies or the video games? We like to blame these sources for almost everything else... I have an idea, maybe it is the teens parents, granted they cant stop them from everything, but in the case of the girls on the show it doesn't even seem like they try... Maybe it is just the times though. When I graduated from high school in 03' there was one girl in my graduating class who had a kid, out of like 1200 of us. Nowadays most high schools are probably having to build day cares in them. Holy shit. I just realized I graduated almost 7 years ago. I feel old all of a sudden...

The thing that bothers me most is that these days it really is quite easy to find a very accessible form of contraceptive, but none of these kids even seem to try... I mean sure it may be embarrassing to buy a box of wiener hats before you are even old enough to shave, but that is certainly better than having your first child before you are old enough to shave. In my humble opinion... And I am not huge on education (lol), but come on ladies at least finish high school... Otherwise how are you going to expect to convince your kid to stay in school when they get to that age? You know kids are notorious for using the old "well you didn't do it and you turned out fine"... What they never realize is that you turned out fine because you left him with the grand parents and stripped every night... Otherwise life would have been Top Ramen and Food Stamps for this kid.

This whole situation reminds me of some Flight Of the Conchords stand up. I'm not going to go into detail because it is way less funny without their accents and I could not find video. But if you watch their old HBO special you will know what I mean... Basically they talk about babies having babies... Thank you for reading this random seemingly out of place paragraph...

Here are a list of reasons that you are too young to have a child:

1. You still play with dolls or sleep with a stuffed animal.

2. You sleep with a night light on.

3. You have never had a job, because you are not old enough.

4. The longest book you have ever read had pictures in it.

5. You share a room with your older sibling.

6. You take the bus to school.

7. You are not permitted to an R rated movie without an adult.

8. Your kid will be 6 before you can legally drink.

9. You will have to get your parents to drive your kid to daycare.

10. The majority of your news comes from your Facebook feed or Nickelodeon.

11. If you still wet the bed.

Two condoms do not work better than one, but will almost guarantee a fun game of hide and seek...

You are welcome for that picture.

Day 177--- Can I Get a Witness...?

There is a saying that I have heard before that warns against talking about politics or religion with friends, typically because when people disagree things can become quite heated. However, I feel like we have known each other long enough that nothing like that would or could ever come between us. Which is why today I am going to talk about door to door religion sellers.

When I think about this category two main groups come to mind; Mormon missionaries, and Jehovah's Witnessesssss'... Now before you read on I want you to know that I am not going to be too harsh, just... honest. I want you to know that whatever I say is allowed and PC because I have a black friend, I mean because my dad is Mormon. Yes, I am playing that "safe card". For purposes of this blog I am going to lump the two together as much as I can just so the post does not become too long and boring.

First of all, for me, the door to door religion peddling does not really work. At least not in the United States, mainly because people know. You guys are out there, comedians and popular media have been making fun of you for years. I don't believe it is possible that you show up on some one's doorstep that is like "hmm Mormonism, never heard of that I ought to give that a try, no caffeine, alcohol and multiple wives, why not". Its like commercials about milk to me... Those just seem like such a waste of time and money, like hello we have not forgotten about milk you really don't need to waste advertising money to remind me about it. That's like having a commercial for gas, "oh yeah, that's what I need to buy to keep my car running, thanks advertising geniuses". Now, although I don't believe necessarily in the cause, I support the dedication and the faith in the unseen, I just don't think the door to door approach seems like the most logical way. But maybe they know something I don't.

I mean, they have to know that as soon as people see them riding up on their bikes with their matching suit outfits on that people are turning off all the lights and electronics and hiding behind the couch out of view. I mean, this is what people do to most religious experiences these days but especially when it comes knocking on their door, wearing a tie... Out of the people who answer the door my guess is that. Two in five do not have peep holes, one in five was expecting pizza, one more in that five just wants to argue and convert the person to their team, and the last person just wants someone to talk to... I cant imagine a scenario where people see some missionaries putting their kick-stands up and they rush to the door and open it before they even knock... "Please come tell me about the new testament of Jesus Christ, Ive always wanted to hear about that detour he made in Central America before ascending to heaven"...

Before I go any further I want to touch again on the outfits. While I appreciate the professionalism of their get ups, it just doesn't work for me. On one hand I am amazed that they are riding bikes around whilst wearing Sunday's best. But on the other hand it angers me when people dress better than me, I feel like they are talking down on me, and while that may be their purpose, I think that they should at least get to wear jeans and a blazer or something. The bikes, I bet you Lance Armstrong would be a good Mormon, plus it would be good biking practice. For real though, why bikes, I mean, I know that the church requires 10% from its members weekly, you'd think they would at least give these guys a business car, seems fair to me...

I do not know quite as much about Jehovah's Witnesses, I am not related to any of them so I have not got as much of the inside scoop on this one. But the two things I do know, one, they believe that there are only 144,000 people who are going to make it to the highest level of heaven, and that quota has already been filled. Yet they still go around trying to convert people in hopes of getting one of the sub par heavens... That's like saying, "hey, I'm having a birthday party at Disney World and you are invited, but there is too many people so you can hang out at Chuck E Cheese's (pizza party place in the US)...". Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either. Also I hear they don't celebrate birthdays. Which, I just don't think I can ever fully trust anyone who does not celebrate birthdays, they are like robots... Speaking of robots, today is my girlfriends birthday!!! Wooo, happy birthday babe, she should be in class but instead she is still sleeping. See, a Jehwit would be in class right now not exercising the same entitlement...

Can you imagine if all of the other religions sent out spokesman, I cant imagine a curly Hacid showing up on my doorstep, his donkey parked in my driveway. I guess Muslims bring their religion to our doorstep, typically it is strapped to their chests, doesn't have quite the same effect. The Pope driving door to door in his Pope golf cart, that could be pretty rad actually... I could go on and on, but I wont.

But hey, they must be doing something right, the worlds most popular position is still missionary style.

Day 176--- Wo-MAN...

My only introduction today is to say. Watch 30 Rock!!!

And now for the good stuff... I have decided to write again about a group that scares me. Female body builders...

I have a strong feeling that I am not the only person frightened by these female centaurs, which is why I am going to take a couple minutes out of my busy schedule to put in my two cents for the rest of us... I'd like to know why?... Why?... Why would potentially beautiful and dainty women want to do this to themselves, it is almost as confusing as the WNBA. Not the sport itself of course. more so that people actually watch it.

In my opinion these muscle women would be better suited in the booth next to the bearded lady at the state fair, of course, I would not be surprised if they were same people... I could even see them as the main event at the circus but I really believe that their presence should be limited to these special events... I would even allow a tug of war showdown between one of them and 15 midgets, but really anytime these woMEN are out in public it really should be some sort of spectacle... I may be the only one manner-less enough to say it but I know that you all are thinking it. As humans we cannot help avert our eyes from car wrecks and things of that sort, and what is a muscle woman really if not a walking talking car wreck...

Have you ever seen one of these beasts smile? I didn't think so, I don't know if they are just incapable due to muscle restriction in the face, or if they are truly just as angry as they look. Of course we would all be that angry as well if we were that beastly but, they have brought it upon themselves, its not like anyone else forced them to just eat a can of tuna, a banana, and a gallon of Creatine each day... Maybe they are like the over-make-up-ed girls, running from their ugliness straight into something Ripley worthy, believe it or not. They really are one of those things that it like pains you to look at but once you have started looking it is hard to move your attention on to anything else... I just spent a few minutes looking for the photo/s for this post, a process that is normally quite quick kept me busy for the better part of 10 minutes... If you get a second google it for yourself, if you are lucky Google will surprise you with a few nudes. This is not pornographic by any means, it is really more scientific than anything. View it as a free trip to the natural history museum... And on that note we shall conclude this post.

PS. Does having sex with one of these things count as bestiality?

Day 175--- Accentuate the Ugly...

OK so this new job has definitely already kicked my ass and taken my name... It is not so much the labor of the job but the hours that it calls for... I am trying to convince myself that I am a morning person, but the fact that I almost fell asleep while on a call today would prove otherwise... Anyways lets get back to some people judging... OK I have one, how about girls who wear too much make-up... I am sure we have all seen one or a thousand of these bitches in our lifetime...

Seriously though, I do not think I will ever get the appeal for girls to cake on pounds of make-up at a time... I mean, I get the eyeliner and the occasional bit of blush, maybe a bit of powder and mascara here and there, (totally just pulled the name of those out of my ass) but I will never agree with a decision to cover the entire face with makeup... The main reason is, that it is not fooling anyone... I mean no matter how much makeup Barbara Streisand puts on she is still going to be an ugly bitch with the face of a lion... No matter how much makeup Lady GaGa plasters on she is still going to have an Olympic rate ski jump for a shnauz... (A medi-oker face if I may)... I grew up with the belief that females were smarter than boys, it was just understood, but some of the facial decisions I have seen them make over the past few years has shaken that belief system...

You guys realize I am not talking about the average girl here, like I said before a little can go a long way. Cover up the blemishes if you must, but these girls that come out looking like Bozo the Clown need to have their make-up licenses revoked... You are not supposed to live each day like you have just gotten your face painted at the state fair... And honestly when we see that you are wearing that much makeup it just draws more attention to what you are trying to hide... You would be better off putting little band-aids over all of your little problem areas, at least those seem more natural... Plus if you are really that ugly to begin with maybe you could just do us all a favor and stay indoors... The Internet was made for people like you... Everything you could ever want or need right at your fingertips... Shopping, college, and plenty of relationship web-sites... If you ever do need to venture out I also have a solution for that, its called a paper bag...

I cant imagine what these girls spend more money on, do they spend more on the actual makeup, or on buying new clothes because their massive amounts of facial glacial runoff has ruined half of their tops... I find myself trying to dodge these girls whenever I am out so I don't end up with a face-print on my shirt... Its like when someone gets hit in the face with a pie and they try and rub it off on somebody... I bet if I threw a penny at some of these chicks it would just stick to the side of their face, but I am out of pennies, so I am pushing this experiment off on you guys... So just let me know how it works out next time you see one...

As I sit here, actually I'm laying, I am starting to wonder if this type of makeup application could actually be classified as an addiction.... I mean they must spend a shit load of money, I was with my gf one time when she had to buy some new stuff and it was like $20 for one little tube of shit. Then think about the hour it takes to put it on, and if memory serves me correct its seems like it takes just as long to take off... I feel like if you forced some of these girls to go a day without makeup they would start convulsing... We should find that out... Anyways, that's where I will leave you for today, I need to get back to some 30 Rock.

PS. I wanted to say something about looking like Heath Ledger as The Joker, but I couldn't make it fit. Just so you know.

Day 174--- In a World...

Seriously, not having the Internet for hours at a time can make it very difficult to try and write a daily blog. Other than starting a new job I also just moved into a new house and apparently my Internet here can be even more moody than it was at the last place. I really don't understand how wireless manages to get worse and worse the more other technologies advance. For real I could be sitting right next to the router and that other thing and still my service would routinely drop once or twice an hour, it makes every episode of 30 Rock end up taking like an hour and a half to get through because of all the reloading. But that is neither here nor there, it is working right now so I better get this finished before it changes its mind... Today I decided to write about the guys who do the voices for all movie and TV show previews.

We all know the very deep, almost robotic voices that adorn almost every single movie trailer and TV show ad. This dude/ small group of dudes who can do this voice must be making a killing. Sure it is easy to make your voice deep, but to have that much precision, speed, and excitement at the same time is next to impossible... How lucky is this dude that he only has to read like 20-30 paragraphs a year and he is probably making multiple millions of dollars a year. I mean, we all know that actors and actresses make a shit ton of money for what we all may consider an easy job. But their jobs are like working on the railroad compared to the voice dude. Think of how he has the market cornered. He raises his prices and they have to pay it, maybe they have been searching for years to replace him and his inflated rates, but every time they put an impostor voice on a preview the movie does awful. Honestly though, what would something like Transformers be without that perfect deep scary voice telling us to go see it. We consumers may be stupid but we would notice if our preview man was different in a heartbeat.

I wonder if this guy always walks around talking in that voice or if he can turn it off on command. I don't imagine that the preview voice was the only voice he has to work with but what if it was. He would literally be the most persuasive man on earth. Can you imagine him going through the checkout line at a grocery store and something rings up wrong. All of a sudden he busts out the booming voice, bam, price reduction. You don't want to mess with this voice. Maybe he naturally has a really high pitched voice and it really strains him to do the deep one, now after years of work he is actually losing his voice all together. Oh can you imagine the uproar if we had to switch to a different guy, or worse yet, a computer generated voice. Maybe the ticked prices would be lowered though, I heard that 5 dollars out of every ticket sold goes straight into this guys account. They have done studies that apparently show a large decrease in movie goers for movies that do not feature this guy in the trailer. So essentially, if they switch you would think that the tickets could be $5 less. I obviously totally just made that up, but it seems as reasonable as any other reason that they would have raised the average ticket price $5 in the past like 5 years... RE-tarded...

I want to know if people actually know this guy. Like if he hangs out at Hollywood bars trying to pick up chicks with his God-like voice. Maybe he is a recluse, maybe he has been teased his entire life about the voice and since 96' he has just recorded every trailer from his in home studio... I really cant tell if that voice would be sexy, or too father like to girls, luckily I was blessed with some sort of nasal-like voice that would much sooner be confused for Steve Urkel than it would be for some one's father. Wherever this guy is I hope that he at least is forced to see some of the shit movies that he recommends. Because that would just be sheer hypocrisy if he didn't actually have to view all these flicks. Maybe that's just me though.

Day 173--- Get Out of My Way...

So, in interest of catching up with some of the days that I missed throughout the contest weeks, and getting used to my new sleep schedule I am going to do a few shorter posts on some of the most random people that I can think of... The winner for today's post is those people that fill up their entire water bottles in the water fountain...

If you have ever worked in an office, been to the gym, or attended school you have no doubt run into one of these inconsiderate pricks. My luck has usually stuck me behind this person at the gym, when I am the most thirsty that I could possibly be. I just so happen to run up behind the person who feels that the fountain is for their use only... You know what I mean, those people who have those huge 64oz. bottles that they feel they need to fill right then and there. This would not be so bad if it were not for the poor stream of water that struggles to pour out of the tap... It would also not be so bad if they were considerate enough to let me grab my sip of water before the decided to fill the rest of there workout canteen, but in reality most of them are not. They may turn around occasionally giving this pathetic look like they can not help but filling the who thing up right then...

This is when I will sit there tapping my foot, and making all sorts of noises just to keep reminding them that I am there. Oh, I know they know that I am there, but I really try and make these situations as awkward as I can so that maybe they will get the picture for the future... I really cant think of anything else comparable that is this blatantly rude and wasteful of other peoples time... There is no real way around this unless you are willing to try the ol'goose trick, really one thumb up the butt and these people are sure to get out of your way... Honestly it may not even take a thumb, a finger or two may do the trick... Really though, that may be more socially frowned upon but I personally do not find it to be any more rude than monopolizing the water fountain for minutes at a time... The rules for fountains should be pretty universally straight forward just like the rules of a joint... puff puff pass... sip sip leave OK people...

Day 172--- Let Me Get Off...

Hello again, I hope that all of you guys had a great Valentines Day... A holiday that really is quite funny if you think about it... It is the one holiday that I can think of that is not either religious or celebrating something to do with your country... It is literally a holiday that was created and fueled by card companies and candy companies... I someday hope to be able to create my own holiday, I'm working on a few ideas right now, I will be sure to get back to you when I have anything more solid. Today I have selected a group of people that typically mean well, but can be among the most annoying people on the planet. I speak of the people who will not let you off the phone when you are trying to go...

This is typically something that mothers are especially good at. Most of the time I talk to my mom there comes a point in the conversation where neither one of us really have much more to say. There is a few minutes of silence where it feels like we are both preoccupied with something else in the room... I usually use this as my opportunity to get off of the phone, I start this venture by saying that I had better go get such and such done, or something along those lines. Neither one of us are really talking so it seems like the perfect time to go, but all of a sudden she will think of like 20 new questions to ask in order to keep me on the phone... I am using my mom as an example, but I know there are tons of people like this out there.

There are many tell tale signs that should be dead giveaways that the person you are talking to wants to get off the phone with you, but some people just do not pick up on these signs. The job I recently started is more or less monitoring peoples phone calls, I am not saying who I work for but I will let you assume it is something that the government pays for. Anyways, without being too specific I have realized that almost all personal calls that last more than 10 minutes seem to end this way. There is always one person who was ready to get off the call since the moment they got on, and unlucky for them the person they are talking to always seems to never want to shut up... It is always funny to hear the one person leaving hint after hint that they are ready to leave, but without a doubt the other guy will not let them go...

I am sure if you have not noticed these type of people before today that from now on you will take notice to what type of person you are on the phone. Chances are if you don't often feel bored on the phone than you are the annoying one who never lets people off... This whole phenomenon is why I have resorted to doing most of my communication via text... I'd say it has worked pretty well thus far...

Day 171--- What a Dip Sh!t...

I don't know if I had made mention to who finally won the blogger idol contest so I figure that now would be a good time... The winner was Mike over at Toomanymornings, he beat Candice out with a nice little story about why things that happen in Vegas should stay there... Congrats, and thanks again to Knucklehead for hosting the contest I had a great time competing in it. On to the type of person I want to talk about today. "The Dipper", no not the person who does chewing tobacco, I am talking about the people who dip their food in things...

Now it is a given that some things were meant to be dipped, for instance, chips into any dip really, beans, salsa, cheese, sour cream, guac, and so on. Ketchup lives on the fact that we are a dipping people, even certain sandwiches were made specifically to be dipped, I'm sure you all know the beef a jus... These are not the foods that I am talking about or the people that do it... I am talking about the more awkward dippers that have begun to flood our society...

Take the Oreo dippers for example, who would have thought that a small multi-racial cookie would be so good once it was drowned in milk... I'll tell you who, the forward thinking freak dippers is who. How about the people who dip their Wendy's french fries into their Frosties? Ya, you see it once and you make fun of the person doing it, but next time you are alone in a room with a small fry and a Frosty you better believe you are going to experiment... I have met people who dip pizza in mustard, call them crazy but I too had to try this out for myself and I will proudly admit it brings many flavors together quite nicely...

There are the people who dip their Mac-N-Cheese in ketchup, I am one of these people, I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have been looked at like I was defacing a cop car when I put some ketchup over a thing of Mac... There are the people that dip chips into their sandwiches, and even a few of those people end up leaving them there for a little extra crunch. In Europe it is perfectly normal to dip fries (or pretty much anything) into straight mayo. Out of all of these I have mentioned today this one is probably the most widely accepted... We pretty much do the same thing here, except we have managed to alter the mayo's DNA just a bit and turn it into ranch, which by the way is good on anything other than ice cream...

I could go on and on about all of the odd things that we have started dipping into other odd things, but I figured that would be hypocritical. I consider myself a very saucy dude, a very experimental sauce man, there is not a dip I wont try at least once, so you can bet I have hit up all of these on the list... I really don't see the harm, we are a nation and a world of people who like putting things in other things that they don't necessarily belong in, and on that list I believe food relations is really the least of our concerns... And with that I am going to go see what a Fig Newton tastes like with some crunchy peanut butter on it...

Oreo... Milk's favorite cookie.

Day 170--- Regular or Decaf???

Hey everyone, I wish I had an exciting story or bit of my life to start off today's post with but since I have started my new job my life has been fairly void of overly entertaining stories. As odd as it may sound, the job I have now makes me wish that I was back in NYC serving people food and getting pissed off at 10% tips... Its not so much that my current job sucks, its more so the hours, and the lack of sleep it presents me with, if I get fired from this job it will be for falling asleep. Mark my words. Speaking of sleep and my recent depreciation in the amount I get I am going to do a post today on coffee ad-dicks...

See these were people that I didn't have to deal with on a daily basis when I was working from 5pm til 1 or 2am, sure I may have crossed paths with them, but since I was normally sleeping when they were the most cracked out I never really got to see what they were like... Now I have... Wow, after seeing how some of these people behave after a cup or two of Jo it is amazing to me that marijuana is illegal and caffeine is legal.... I mean, first of all if they go a day, or maybe even just a morning without coffee, be prepared to watch someone go through withdrawals. If 8 am rolls around and they have not been pumped full of fuel first there are the headaches and then the shakes, basically picture Jamie Foxx in Ray... You don't want to be around them either, how many times have you heard, "not until I've had my coffee"? I don't know about you but I have heard it plenty growing up in the home of a coffee fiend. McDonalds even has a new commercial where the dude is a dick to everyone on the way to get his morning mug, its funny because it is true...

For someone such as myself that does not drink coffee, I really think this is unfair. I mean, if I were to walk around every day being a dick saying, "not until I smoke my morning bowl, or not until I have a couple beers", I would be looked at like an idiot. Yet day in and day out these java-douches get a free pass to piss on everyone until they shoot up their caffeine. I say bollocks to that shit. No more free passes from me, next time I have someone give me attitude with the "no coffee yet" excuse I am just going to spit on their faces. Harsh you say, I think not, I am making up for lost time.

You ever wondered why most of the Starbucks employees are so chipper and smiley? Its because they are doing lines of ground hazelnut coffee beans before the doors open, and when they are done with that they switch to doing whip-its out of the whipped cream canisters... Not that I blame them, if I had to smile that much all day I would certainly need a performance enhancing drug as well.

I don't know about you, but since I am an observer of people, I have taken plenty of time to listen to their excuses for needing coffee, but what it really boils down to is addiction... They may claim that it has no ill affect, but the bloodshot eyes and headaches obviously prove otherwise... I realize I am in the minority, my heat sensitive tongue has put me there, but I still think these guys need to shape up and fly right unless they want an eye full... I am even in the process of pitching a new show to Lifetime TV... It is basically a rip off of Intervention, called Intercappucino. Same basic idea as Intervention except this show is dedicated to coffee drinkers, with the occasional 5 Hour Energy drink addict... I am working on starting a program as well, coffee-holics anonymous, I had to go there, it was too obvious not to. Sure I have been in a thousand Starbucks' in my day, but 999 of those were just to go pee. Those things are really just public restrooms in NY.

Well, I am glad that I got that off my chest... Chances are more than half of the people who read this post will fall into this category, and if that includes you, yes you... Then, I hope you burn your tongue...

Day 169--- Let There Be Light...

Right off the bat I want to throw out a quick little complaint about this groundhog asshole... I don't know when in history they decided to make his shadow the Doppler radar, but I hate him for it... Mainly just because I don't believe that rodents should be given this much power, but also because just a few days after that little jackass saw his shadow we are expecting 12-16 inches of snow. Growing up predominately in the south we used to get excited by snow, one year we even got enough to make about 3 snowballs before it melted, but now that I am a big boy the snow is not so exciting... Especially when you fall on your ass in the middle of a busy street, just sayin. But enough about me, onto the topic for the day... If you have ever had a birthday, or been to a birthday party, which as long as you are not Jehovah's Witnesses I am sure you have. You have definitely encountered this next person, the candle gift giver.

This person typically begins their shitty gift giving trait in their high school years... It starts when boys start being invited to girls birthday parties and it is officially past they days where giving dolls and other girly stuff is acceptable. They are typically faced with a small dilemma, do I assume they are tomboyish and get them something I would like, do I try and take a stab at what type of music they are into, or do I go the thoughtful route and try and think of what a maturing female would like most. After hours of research and a little convincing from mom they decide that a scented candle is both girly and mature... Perfect, how thoughtful, how original, yes at 13 or 14 maybe... But there is a time when this nonsense must stop, or so you'd think... Most people move on and realize that they need to start being more thoughtful when they pick out gifts, but some people pretty much keep that area of thought on autopilot from there on out...

If you are wondering how I know so much about these people, it is because I too was once a candle-holic... I was the guy who grew up with like 3 guy friends and 27 girl friends who I quickly had to learn what gifts to buy each of them that would not show favoritism. It just so happened that Wal-Mart read my mind and offered a very nice assortment of cheap candles, with their help I could go to the same persons birthday party 10 years in a row and never get them the same scent twice... The good thing is that I knew I was not alone, there have been numerous events that I have attended where candles were as far as other peoples gifting creativity went as well... I cant blame them, candles really do appear to be the perfect gift... Not only do they smell fantastic, and create light, but they can be used as paperweights or bookends. Candles are a bit of history, but they also appear to be a thing of the future, these things stand the test of time no matter how many things we find that smell better or brighten brighter... I mean honestly though, you don't see us using tape players and telegraphs, but here we are day after day lighting candles up when all we really need to do is flip a switch... In a way I am proud to gift a candle, and you should be glad to receive one, I dare you to find something that has stood the test of time better... And even in a case to case example, I still have candles that I will light up on special occasions that I may have gotten 5 or 6 years ago... No, I don't remember who got them for me, but as besides the point they were a great gift!...

With that long ass excuse of why I think it is acceptable to buy candles as gifts you still should know that there are other things out there that people like as well... I am not the best one to make suggestions, but I do hear they have these things called malls, ten minutes in there and I am sure you will have someone trying to sell you something...

Day 168--- The Magical Fruit...

I just want to start the post today by congratulating the New Orleans Saints on a very nice win this evening... (Three or four of them read my blog on a daily basis, including Drew Brees, so it would almost be rude of me to not give them a shout out...) Really though, that was a very impressive game and I would say after the offensive year they had this year they deserved to cap it off with a win... Plus Drew Brees is just sooo much cuter than Manning right ladies... Speaking of bad smells that reminds me about the post (like that segway?)... I felt that it was about time for another gross-ish post, so here it is... People who fart in enclosed places...

We all know the classic elevator scene where someone drops the bomb and leaves the rest of the people to suffer in their flatulent-ation, but these demons are certainly not limited to elevators. Get them anywhere that a window is closed and air is not flowing properly and they are more than likely to strike... After years of both controlled and uncontrolled research I believe that the most common reason for someone to do this is that they take pleasure in seeing others in pain... There can be no other reason that someone would wait until they are locked up in an non-ventilated area, most normal people shy away from blasting off in public for fear of embarrassment, but I believe these but menaces actually go out looking for opportunities to spread their dirty air seeds...

They will often be the ones at work who are chowing down on the can of beans for lunch, in the F. Arters Handbook this is known as the most common form of ammunition; in layman's terms, "the magical fruit". Now, I understand that farting is a normal human occurrence, unless you are a female, but this does not mean that you need to save up your chemical butt-fare for everyone else to choke on... There are proper, more mature ways and locations to dispense your ass clouds and all of those places include some sort of air circulation...

There are a few places that these poo-foggers like to frequent, I have compiled a short list of places that you may want to be aware of...

- Elevators, a given, this is actually where they train.

- In bed, these blanket bandits can be male or female, favorite move- "the dutch oven".

- In line at the Post Office, where the air is already stale with death and hatred from lack of circulation and customer service.

- Airplanes, buses, or cars, anywhere that you cannot open a window or a door. (More than likely it is the (driver, pilot, stewardess).

- Gym. These may be accidental, but they still smell like they have purpose.

- Any type of school class, or office building with poor air circulation... (very hard to execute an S.B.D. fart in school due to chairs with loud ricochet capability, but it can happen) (S.B.D. = silent but deadly).

The list could carry on I am sure, but all this talk about colon dusters is making me hungry so I am going to have to leave you guys with seven... If you can think of any other places that you have been an unsuspecting victim of some one's poo-tanani please add it to the comments to warn everyone else... In the meantime you might just want to carry around a mini bottle of Febreeze to lighten up the air when someone decides to crop dust your next elevator ride...

Day 167--- Stop Trying, It's Not Funny...

Finally my first week at work is done, you do not even realize how much I missed sleeping in this entire week, and to think I signed up to work the morning shift forever. We will just have to see how long that lasts, my love of sleep trumps most anything in my life, it is definitely in the top 7 things at this point. In fact, I love sleep so much I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant. But enough about birth control, I think it is time to introduce the next contestant on 365 days of people... People who think they are funny, but no one else does...

For my entire life, as far back as I can remember I have found it necessary to be the funniest person in a room at all times, (the center of attention) through all levels of school, even into college, and still even when I start a new job. It has called for numerous detentions, missed recesses, and write ups, but the joy on peoples faces when I make a good crack has been well worth it... Being hilarious and dashingly good-looking is obviously a gift from above, it is something I was born with. Sure I developed some timing skills and whatnot over the years but for the most part it was something that has just flowed out of me naturally since I first crowned... We all know people like this, the attention hoggers, the class clown, the one who never seems to be serious, sure we can get annoying but nothing compared to those who go through the same actions and are not funny...

If you think hard enough I am sure that a few of these people will come to mind... The ones whose timing on a joke is always off, the ones who are always too inappropriate at the wrong time, the ones who always bring up sore subjects, the ones who think it is funny to hit or pinch or pull hair way past middle school... The list literally goes on and on with all of the ways that they are not funny, see I don't mind if someone tries to tell a joke every now and then and they just don't hit it on the head. No, what annoys me is when they are constantly trying as hard as they can, but don't take the silent response from everyone around them as a hint... It bothers me even when their stupidity sets me up for a rebound joke. At first glance it may seem as though I pray on these people but in reality I try to get away to be less annoyed but I swear they must flock to me... I am not going to name names, but there were 3 people that I used to work with in New York that thought that they were the funniest guys on earth... I am not going to name names, but everyone would constantly say stuff to them about keeping there mouths shut but time and time again there they were trying to be make jokes, it honestly becomes painful to watch after a while... I think they are the ones who moved this from a stage 2 annoyance to a stage 5 pet peeve for me, I could take it in little spurts but when you have to deal with it on a constant basis it just becomes far too overwhelming... I really wish that I could give you a specific example but I think the memories were blocked out due to annoyance factor...

Statistically though I am sure that you all have someone in mind right now that fits this character to a T, if you just so happen to be one of these people, maybe you should change from a humor blog to something more in the cat-blogging field... As we all know you can never have a shortage of cat blogs out there...

In order to do my part in ridding the world of these humor-killers I am in the process of developing an item similar to a bark collar that we will somehow convince these people to wear... (This will be the hard part)... Once they have them on though, we the people will control what is funny and what is not... If we determine what they are saying is not funny we take the remote control that comes with it (up to 5 sold with each collar) and basically zap the shit out of them. No, this is not going to make them funny, but you better believe it will be funny...

Here is a list of people you may know that fall into this category...

1. Carson Daly

2. Carrot Top

3. Carlos Mencia

4. Pauly Shore

5. Howie Mandel

6. Andy Dick

7. Will Ferrell (since like 2003)

8. Eddie Murphy (since 89)

9. Artie Lang (since he was fat) (aka always)

10. Dane Cook (since he decided to act)

Day 166--- Royale With Cheese...

Onto the next one... not only a great way to start today's post, but also a great Jay-Z song... So I am into day four of my new job and I have finally stopped falling asleep during training, so that is a plus... I expect you guys to be very proud of me for that... Anyways, enough about the daily life of the creative genius behind the curtain here, let me just get down to the nitty gritty... If there is a group that I am the most polar opposite to I think today is going to highlight them (little nod to yesterdays post)... Picky Eaters...

If you knew me personally you would know that one of my first loves in life was food. From the moment I moved from the boob to solids there is not a thing that I would not try at least once, and to be quite honest you would have more of a problem getting me to stop eating than to try something... I am always the first to dig in, the one to take a dare, and the one to finish stuff that someone else couldn't or wouldn't finish... Come to think of it, it is probably picky people who are at fault for my fatness... Look at me, typical American blaming someone else for my problems... Really though, I have always been a strict believer that it is a sin to waste food when there are so many people on earth that die of starvation on a daily basis... I guess I sort of feel like it is my duty to eat what they cannot before letting someone else trash it... In a sick, human garbage disposal way I really believe I am doing the world a solid by eating things that no one else will...

I think the sickness started while I was growing up... My dad and little sister may be two of the pickiest people who you would ever meet in your entire life... I'm not even talking the kind of picky where they just wont try new things, I am talking like a strict diet of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Cheerios, and pretzels... Therefore my garbage disposing syndrome and I were usually left to vacuum up the table after they had pushed everything around to make it look like they had eaten...

It really is crazy to me though that there are so many super picky people littered across the globe when there are people who basically eat roots and bark just to survive... I understand if you don't like something you are not going to force yourself to eat it, but how did we get to a point where we could be this stuck up when it comes to food... After working in a restaurant for nearly 5 years in Times Square I was able to witness eating habits from people all over the world and I must admit that here in America we certainly take the cake on both extremes. On one side we have the people like me who can finish a decent plate without breathing, I have a motto, that I should probably drop if I don't want to die at 50... My motto is that is that if I eat more than half of a meal when I am out to eat then I may as well finish it because clearly the smaller portion I left would not be enough to feed me as left overs if that amount was not enough to get me full the first time... I don't know if that is a motto, or just an excuse to eat a lot of food, but it convinces me every time... Besides having some of the fattest fatties in the world we here in the U.S. are also home to some of the most picky bastards on planet earth... If you have seen When Harry Met Sally you no doubt remember how Sally orders her food with like 20 different modifications... Now, when you see that movie it appears that this is a clearly a joke, but I blog before you here today as a living witness to more than one real life version of this person... These picky douche bags may not be as common as the pigs but they certainly exist...

People who don't like cheese, people who cant have coleslaw even near their plate, people who want fries without any salt, people who want everything cooked in a separate pan from everyone else, and the list goes on and on... I would think that if you were this picky then you would just keep yourself locked at home where you would not have to come make everyone else miserable with your oddities, but this is not true... Most of these people love to tell others how picky they are especially if you are their waiter... I don't care how you have not eaten anything green since you were 5, it shows...

I think part of the reason this bothers me so much, besides the fact that I hate knowing how much we throw away when there are people starving in the world is that one of my favorite things to do in the world is to travel and try different cuisines from around the world. I think this is one of the best ways to quickly immerse yourself in another culture. But lucky me, I have managed to travel with people who wont try anything new, so we could be in the middle of Paris looking for a french bistro and they are trying to find the nearest McDonald's so they can get a Royale with Cheese... I cannot think of anything more uncultured than going to another country and searching out a McDonald's, that would be like going to Disney World and trying to look for a swing set or a slide... Makes me sick...

I could go on and on about how annoying these people are when it comes to food, but I am sure if you are not one then you know someone who is and you can already sympathize. So I shall leave it at that as I go finish up all of the food that everyone left from dinner.... Mmmmm...

Day 165--- High-Light-It-Up...

Well, just as I suspected yesterday was my last in the blogging competition held by Knucklehead, that is of course unless this is Florida... (Get the miscount reference?)... Honestly such a fun competition with such great competitors, I made it to the final 3 out of 10. Held in there for 5 hard weeks but was overtaken by Candice and Mike, so congrats to them, clearly they were good enough to beat me so you guys should all find them worthy to check out... With that being said, I am also a sore loser so I hope your Internet disconnects when you click their links... Kidding, kidding... Today I have chosen one of the most random people that I think I have gone with to date... It is going to be nearly impossible to write very much on this group so this is why I am trying to drag on this opening paragraph so at least it still looks like somewhat of a big boy post... I became very good at this skill when I had to start writing essays and papers in school that had to be a certain length long, quite impressive don't you think? You have now read nearly a full paragraph and have learned absolutely nothing of value, congrats... OK OK, the person I have selected today are the people who highlight everything...

Told you it was random, but this is truly something that has always confused me... In case you are not following due to overabundance of words and confusion, I am referring to the people who will literally take a page of notes or a page from a book and literally highlight the whole thing... I always thought that the purpose of the highlighter was to make certain important details of a text pop out for your memory, which is of course why I find it confusing when people will do an entire page... You may be thinking, Ryan there surely exist no people stupid enough to do this. I say to you nay, I sat behind a person in class today who literally highlighted EVERY SINGLE word that was on the notes for the class... That way when she looks it back over she will clearly be able to narrow down what was important... OR NOT...

Now, you are probably thinking Ryan why would you give 2 shits about this, and to that I respond. Well, there is no real good reason, I think I am just not a huge fan of wasting time, and I feel like people who do this are doing nothing but wasting it... I have seen people do the same thing in a book, the only benefit that this can possibly give is brighter words for the next person... Maybe I am being insensitive, maybe these people suffer from the very common disease highlottia, not to be confused with the common stoner... These people are often known to carry around as many as ten to twenty different highlighters brightening up every bit of text they see... When studying they will commonly highlight the full text book only to come back and underline important points, sure this is a waste of time, but when you are this much of a loser clearly you have time to waste... Maybe some of these people have OCD, but I guess the need to highlight everything is much better than the need to touch a door frame 9 times before you leave any room... God I am glad I am not crazy, I mean besides the whole blog and everything...

I think this is where I need to end today's post, working on 5 hours of sleep (which is like 1 for a normal person) so I am even boring myself at this point... Hopefully I can redeem myself by finding a good picture... Cheers.

Day 164--- Chatty Transit Kathy...

Wow, so this whole job thing is not all its cracked up to be... I don't know how I ever did it before... For those of you that are just joining me, I have been jobless for about 8 months now, partially by choice taking some time off to travel and what not, but I had been looking for about 2 of those 8... Anyways, I started yesterday, and I have never felt so sleep deprived in my whole life... I know working 9 to 3 is no big deal, but for someone who has made noon breakfast time for more than half a year believe me it is torture... Enough about me though, we have plenty of time for that in the future, how about we have a gander at the chatty bus riders of the world...

If you are someone who has always owned a car and never been forced to utilize public transit, this is one of the reasons you can consider yourself lucky.... Other than the fact you have obvious freedom, you can drive and sing full blast, and you don't have to carry home 8 bags of groceries, the chatter box bus rider is one more reason to consider yourself lucky... Today after I had my ever so long 6 hour work day I just so happened to sit next to one of these people...

I have to admit, part of me feels bad for this post because the world would be a much nicer place if everybody was a little more open and friendly in this way... But the truth is that it is not, and we are not, so that makes it weird when you have some perfect stranger trying to interview you for an entire ride... The lady today just so happened to be a jokester, I don't quite remember how the nearly one sided conversation started because I was half asleep. But I do remember the point that she asked which bus she should take to Wal-Mart, and I politely responded with the correct answer, to which she replied, "You would know... just kidding"... Yes, she backed herself up with the just kidding, but from someone who is a huge smart ass I know that is what you say when you mean something but just don't want the person you said it to to get pissed... Now I will have you know that I have been to Wal-Mart one time in the past 3 months, and that just so happened to be on Saturday when I wrote my Wal-Mart/Seuss post, but apparently to this lady I looked like a regular...

Often times you will find that these chatter boxes will talk even when no one is listening, now this could be a sign of anything from the early crazies or just sheer loneliness, whatever the case may be this is certainly the most entertaining of the group... I may have mentioned a few months ago when there was a guy on the bus who was laughing at Christmas lights, he was definitely more on the drugged/crazy side, but this didn't make him any less watch-able or interesting in my opinion... Every time someone new got on the bus he would kindly point out all of the lights that we were passing, I found this very convenient, it was like I was on a free tour. I may not have noticed these lights if it were not for his perceptive expertise...

When it is all said and done, as annoying as these people may be at times, to the less social of us out there. I have to admit that they are certainly a lot better than all of the douche bags that I have encountered over the years... Keep in mind I have spent the past 6 years car-less, from NYC, to Hawaii, back over to L.A, and even in the Midwest, I have seen my fair share of public transit oddities... Even though it may be a slightly less convenient way to tool around the earth at least I am doing my part to cure that gaping hole in the ozone... Who am I kidding, I don't really care about that, its just a hell of a lot cheaper than paying for gas and car insurance...

PS. This post also counts for people on subways, although I feel we are a little less chatty down there...

Day 163--- Oldie But a Goody...

Well, I don't want to call it too soon but it seems as though my run on blogger idol is coming to a painfully slow end. It has been a great competition and I wish the best of luck to the last two who get to go head to head... I also thank all of you from the bottom of my heart who went out and voted to support me each week... I'll probably put together a better thank you post in the next couple days that gives more specific shout outs... But since I just worked my first day in over 8 months I am pooped... I missed a few days during the competition because I wanted to leave up the posts for you to vote on, but I am going to make them all back up over the next little while so I can still hit my 365 people quota... Today I have decided to write about everyone's favorite bar fixture; the old man who who is always there by himself...

OK, maybe not everyone loves this drunk mess of human, but I am sure you have at least gotten a kick out of him a time or two... Now, there are certain bars that are made for old people to go to, like Cheers, and that is perfectly acceptable. But that is not who I am referring to, I am talking about the 65 year old guy who time and time again is right there in the middle of the local college bar... We've got Drake and Lil Wayne blaring over the speakers and here is a gentleman who thought Elvis was risque' when he was our age... A serious case of one of these things is not like the other... I imagine that there are a few girls out there who enjoy this free drink machine, a few seconds of senseless flirting and no doubt he will buy them a drink. But I have also seen these guys just sit and drunkenly stare at girl after girl... Of course I notice this because I am staring at him, but I'm a people watcher, that is my job....

The only part of these old men that I benefit from is watching them step onto the dance floor. Everyone knows that the only thing funnier than a white man dancing, is an old white man... OK, it is a bit sad, but its funny at the same time... Its like watching a train wreck over and over and over... I'm sure if I wasn't totally freaked out by the majority of these guys I could probably hear a good bit of crazy history out of them... It may all be personal history, but that is something you cant find in text books... I may actually have to do an interview series at some point in my life where I go around and talk to all of these guys and find out why they are alone at some college bar at 2 in the morning, other than in hopes of becoming a sugar daddy of course...

Since I have not had many first hand experience other than observing these guys I asked my girlfriend for some input... Apparently the majority of them are quite fond of tight jeans, she thinks its so that they can poke people with their bulge, I personally think they might just be trying to get on board with the hipster style, who knows... She also says that not only do they dance alone spinning around embarrassingly with drink in hand, but they frequently try and grab a hold of any girl that they can get their hands on... This sounds like any guy at a bar to me though... She confirmed that they are an endless well of free drinks, but denies ever taking advantage of that fact...

Well, my sleepy-ness has kicked into full affect, I shall be back on the grind tomorrow in full force, like I said I plan on catching up, so you guys can plan on reading plenty more from me... Once again thank those of you who supported me over my life in the contest, I'll throw up a link where you can go vote if you didn't have a chance, it would be really nice if any of you also own a football team, and can convince all of them to vote as well...

VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE