Day 52--- The Most Direct Way to Dress Like a Loser...

You know what I hate more than the past 51 days worth of people? If you said people who wear shirts with stupid sayings on them you were correct. Nothing else tells me faster that- 1. You are not actually funny or original, therefore you purchase something with a joke on it to make an attempt at looking funny and clever. And 2. You're a virgin. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin, but if you are wearing one of these shirts, we know it is not by choice.

Yes, I have laughed at a few of these shirts in my day, but I am not laughing with you, I am laughing at you. Or the shirt, you get no credit for the joke, I want that to be perfectly clear. You do get credit for being the douche who spent $30 at Hot Topic for a shirt that says "I make lesbians go straight"... Really? Why don't you save that $30 and put it towards next months subscription to World of Warcraft, seems like a more cost efficient thing to do in this sort of economy, besides isn't that why you are living in your parents basement? We all know the only vagina you ever see will be on the Discovery Health Channel, so give it up, funny shirts will never have the same outcome as alcohol or the "date rape drug".

I'm still amazed that they have whole stores dedicated to this sort of thing, I knew there were a lot of losers out there, but I didn't know they had enough money to keep the stupid saying shirt industry in business. I could go on forever about how cool these guys are, but chances are, they know it. So instead of continuing to bash them I'm gonna post a few of the shirt sayings I found most..... interesting... enjoy.

Without further ado: (my take on what they should say, or mean)

1. Cancel my subscription-I'm tired of your issues. (I'm single)

2. I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look. (please I've never seen one)

3. I put out. (I'll pay)

4. I'm huge in Japan. (OK this one is pretty straight forward)

5. I'm kind of a big deal. (I have no friends)

6. Free admission to the gun show. (I'm over compensating for something)

7. I'm not short! I'm funsize. (I'm short)

8. You're not worth my daytime minutes. (My mom stopped paying my cell phone bill)

9. I'd hit that. (I'm still willing to pay)

10. What has two thumbs up and is awesome? this guy. (I'll even pay for friends at this point)

I could keep going. But I'll spare you.

Day 51--- Shredder Look-alike's or Crazy People???

We have all seen this one random guy/girl at the airport walking around with a surgical mask on. Right? Either he is doing the worst impression ever of Michael Jackson or he thinks that idiotic mask will keep him germ and disease free. I cant help but wanting to inject these people with H1N1 like Dexter and sayin, "Ooooh guess that mask didn't help after all did it...". Maybe I'm alone on this one but I imagine that if the holes in it are big enough for air particles to get through and allow you to breathe. They are probably big enough to carry a bit of the Bird Flu in with it, at least I dang well hope so. Why are most of the people I see with these things on Asian? Statistically it could be because there are more of them than anyone else. Or it could be because they are the only ones who have no shame in walking around like they are about to go tag a freeway overpass somewhere. At least they have started to put designs on them to make them a little more accessory and a little less noticeable. NOT.

There are times these things may be necessary here is a short list:

- If you are a doctor or dentist, I don't want to smell your breath when you are that close, so I assume that it is more for my benefit than yours.

- If you are friends with predominately spit-talkers, nothing will make me want to barf faster than someone else's unwanted spit in my mouth.

- Any Broadway show with Johnathan Groff, this joke has zero appeal, but if you know who he is you will get it.

- A strip club, I don't know if there are any STD's that can get airborne, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Also, If your wife comes looking for you it will be harder for her to identify you.

- At Denny's, Again, I don't know if STD's can get airborne, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

- If you are dressing up as Shredder from the Ninja Turtles but cant afford a metal mask.

That's it.

I hope everyone learned something new today. I didn't.

Day 50--- CATastrophe...

So I made it. Day 50... pretty exciting huh, to all those bitches who didn't think I could do it. There you go! OK, lets be honest no one really gave a s#&t when I started this, so I really didnt have much opposition. I just thought it would be fun to make it sound like I got here barefoot, in the snow, up-hill style.

So for those of you who have come out and laughed with me up to this point, this is only the start. I still have more than 300 of these things left to write. Holy shit. I should not have reminded myself of that.... wow. Old friends who decided to follow and support, thank you, you always knew I was hilarious, now you can see it day to day ha ha... New friends from across the web, thank you so much for your continued support as well. OK, I've gone on too long I'm not the first person to have written in a Blog for 50 days, calm down Ryan.

Here is a little list of things that have happened in the last 50 days:

-I sold out... Ya, i got adsense, but I don't have a job so I had to find a way to eat. Keep on clickin those EZLUBE ads. ha ha.

-I've been yelled at by my mom, via text about the blog more than once. She still loves me. I think.

-Hopefully offended at least one person, what's the point of being honest if no one takes offense?

- Used celebrity references from Kid Rock to Hellen Keller, and still have not been sued.

- Moved from NY to LA

- Fallen for a girl :), sorry dudes. Ah, I'm ridiculous. 13 1/2 days!!!

- Gotten to 100 followers! I love you all! I'd love to have all your children, but I'm not Lil Wayne. Sorry... PS. keep telling your friends about me!

- Learned more about blogs than i ever wanted to know, but still feel like I don't know sh*&.

- Watched Kanye West once again prove that he is the biggest Douche in the entertainment business.

OK, Day fifty... who do I want to write about today, I wanted to make it big and special since it's a little bit of a benchmark but I'm gonna keep it simple since you probably already read through all that other crap.

In my blogging research I have found an over abundance of bloggers who blog about nothing but their cats. When I say over abundance I'm saying one would have been abundant, 2 is over abundant. Get it? Bloggers are big enough dorks ;) without the world thinking all we write about is our pets. I mean, cats are cute yay. One or two pictures is nice, but I have seen at least 5 to 20 blogs that are like a damn Facebook for these peoples cats. I am officially allergic to this nonsense.

I've seen one where this person takes like five pictures a day and names each pose the cat is doing. I don't know if I am more embarrassed for the person or for the cat. Now, I feel bad, I'm not gonna judge on blog content, because I'm new to this, and my shit still stinks. You can rip my grammar, my humor, and my ideas, but I feel like I at least win in the originality and content department. No, it's not a contest, yes, I'm being rude. I'm sorry in advance, I may have less than 100 followers at the end of the day. But at least I was honest, I needed to just get it off my chest, and today is my day!!! Because I said so!... If I see one more cat blog pop up in my searching I am going to call the local Chinese restaurant and then you can rename your blog "The Day My Cat Got Eaten with Fried Rice", that I'd read. Done.

On another note. i am going to figure out a way to give props to the blogs I do like I know there must be a widget or an application out there that I can add. Hopefully I find one that suits me. So don't be surprised if your blog pops up on my page. Unless its sh@#ty, then you should be surprised.

I'm gonna let you get back to your lives in a minute... BUT

Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all time y'all!

Day 49--- Copy Cat's...

People who look like their pets. I'm excited when I see them at first, sorta like when you catch someone who still sports a mullet or a rat tail. But then my excitement turns almost instantly into anger and annoyance because I don't know how it happens.

This has got to be one of the great mysteries of the universe, I'd like to be flipping through the channels someday and have it all presented to me by the Discovery Channel, or Animal Planet come to think of it, unfortunately I don't think that will happen.

Do people go out in search of this look-a-like connection or does it just happen by chance?

Sometimes its not just the looks that are alike either, I've even encountered people who's animals had the same personality as them. This can be both a good thing or a bad thing I imagine. The weird thing about this is I have actually seen people-pet combos out for a walk that looked more like a date. No, I don't typically pick up after my date if she craps on the sidewalk but you get what I'm saying. (Besides that only happened once and there were no signs posted that said to pick up after yourselves).

For real though how does this happen? Old peoples pets always look old, even if they are puppies they just look run-down and bored and grey like they'd rather be watching I love Lucy. I've met dogs with gay masters that walk with a sway, bark with a lisp, fight to be the top, and watch Glee religiously. Little anorexic girls look like they feed their dogs air biscuits, and then choke them. Big manly dudes look like they shoot up their pitbull with steroids, make them lift weights, and teach them to hump anything that moves. Asian people love little straight haired dogs and Jews love black haired poodles, the comparisons are obviously endless...

Now a days especially that people are dressing up their pets, I've seen more than one dog with nicer shoes than me. I really don't think he needs the new Jordan's, Buster would be fine with shoes from doggy Payless. I could be wrong though, maybe when he gets to the dog park all the other dogs will be "doggin" on him if he has last years shoes. (get it?)... I personally want give anyone who knows me permission to smack the s%*t out of me if you ever see me dressing my dog up in clothes, ever. I can not think of anything that would make me feel like less of a man.

I realize I didn't mention cats once, which kind of makes the title misleading, it just seemed very clever at the time, they just aren't as funny. Plus I have bitched for far too long (ha ha another dog reference). Well, there you go, there was the plug for the felines.

Day 36--- "Can You See Me Now???"

Unless you are Larry the Cable Guy who makes millions for looking like a tool there is no reason to wear camouflage out in public. Yet, day after day I still see these Rambo wannabe's flooding the streets. There are some things that were meant to be worn for specific occasions only, camouflage is definitely at the top of that list. Right up there with Halloween costumes, Santa outfits, jerseys, and work clothes. In my opinion it is just as wrong and unfashionable to wear camo to the mall as it is to wear a 3 piece suit to go hunting. Nothing screams trailer park louder than the family behind me in line at the local Wal-Mart who looks like they just killed Bambi. I realize for some of these offenders it may be the only attire that they can find but I guarantee there has got to be at least one Salvation Army in their town. Camouflage is so ugly that not even homeless people will wear it.

Obviously going to and coming from a hunt has to be acceptable, but this is not the case when you are in the row behind me at church. I'm sure if there was an 11Th commandment that got edited out it would have been thou shall not wear camouflage in church/ in public. Even spelling the name out reminds me of how ugly it is. Have you seen the camouflage shirts with words on the front? What is the point of this?... Is some hick designer out there trying to cross camo into main-stream clothing or is someone holding classes teaching deer how to read... I'm confused, appalled, and amazed all at the same time. At this rate it wont be long before people are going to try and wear military uniforms and scuba diving gear out to the mall. If you are someone who commonly breaks this rule, please realize that all the snickers and pointing is because of you. Sorry to burst your bubble. We can see you now.

Random note: Yesterday I saw a guy who was as big as a VW bus walking around the city with a camouflage shirt on and jeans on. I thought to my self, "self, if he were to happen to be out in the forest hunting is there any way on earth that whatever his prey was would not see or hear him coming." He looked like he could be about as stealth as a 747 on the lawn of the Pentagon. Going hunting with this guy would be about as successful as the cast of Little People Big World playing a pick-up game against the 96' Bulls.

Photo Caption: Up top you can see a photo I have included of popular star Rihanna wearing camouflage in public, she may be a large Larry the Cable Guy fan, or she may just be trying to hide from Chris Brown. Whatever the case may be, she still fails with this outfit.