So as you guys can tell I have dropped a few days here over the past week, I've been sort of in a writing slump and needed to give myself a few days rest. Everyday I would start to read what I was writing I would get pissed off at myself, for lack of knee slapping funny-ness. I mean, not to fear even on my worst day I am leaps and bounds funnier than most people you know... I just kinda needed to re-charge. You will still get your 365 days of people it just might take about 400 days, but like I said before its my blog so I'll do whatever I damn well please... Unless of course you stop reading, then I'll do whatever I can to sell out and get more people to worship me... In my past few days of non writing a few exciting things have happened in my life that I am going to share with you now. I have started and read the first 2 Harry Potter books in about 5 days, yeah I know how 1998 of me, but hey up until I started this new job I still hadnt pushed my way through that last book series, Waldo. I have started P90x, if you dont know what that is, its basically a work out that kicks you in your entire body, but I needed to start something to balance out that chef-like cooking I have been doing this winter. I watched the Oscars, I'm happy Jeff and Sandra won. I also watched the newer Sabrina, I dont know why you would remake anything that Audrey Hepburn did, she was just too freaking hot!... Anyways, most of you probably skipped this paragraph all together and found yourself somewhere down here ------> If you have made it this far then you will be pleased to know that today I am writing about a group of people that think that they are silly. They think they are silly but the rest of us find them annoying as f*%$... People who tickle...
You may ask yourself if this is really a group of people worth blogging about, well, obvious-freaking-ly or I would not be wasting my time. I am writing this blog not only to entertain and inform you, but I am also writing this as a warning. I'll start with the latter, if I ever happen to randomly meet any of you stalkers and one of you has the balls (or tits) to tickle me, I will make sure you meet a similar end to the people who get attacked by the black smoke on LOST... I am not ticklish, so no matter how hard you jab your fingers into my armpits, ribs, neck, or knees, the only reaction you will get out of me is a look of disgust.
In my humble opinion there is nothing exciting or funny about tickling. Since the beginning of man kind tickling has been a tricky way for pedophiles, priests, and old people to covertly touch something or someone that they should not be. True, it may be a popular ice breaker/ way to sneak your way to second base on a first date, but this is 2010, man up and use a rufi... I cant remember a time in my life when I enjoyed tickling, sources say that I enjoyed it when I was a little baby, but since I don't remember it, it never happened... The truth is that babies don't even enjoy being tickled, sure they may laugh, but they are laughing at the dumb ass faces and noises people make when they are tickling them. I have interviewed at least 3 or 4 of them and they all agree.
Maybe its just me, but it also always seems that the people who want to tickle others have no idea what they are doing... They start jabbing their un-manicured claws straight into my ribs ninety percent of the time, giving me more bruises than giggles... If life truly were to end up like it did in 1984 (the book) tickling would certainly be... un-invented, its just so counterproductive. You know what we should do is use tickling as a torture device on prisoners of war... I don't know if we take those anymore though, I'm pretty sure we just kill everyone we can... But seriously, all you would have to do is tickle me for about 9 seconds, (that's my breaking point) and I would tell you any secrets you want to know about the U.S... Either that or make me watch an episode of M.A.S.H.... You know why the suicide rates were so high in the 80's? Because of that piece of trash show, if I was ever home sick from school and this shit came on I would go to school anyways so I didn't also have my mood ruined with boredom... I may have used that reference before, or I may have just thought about using it, or I may have dreamed I used it or dreamed I thought about using it... I'm not sure but there it was again for your viewing pleasure. That is the most that anyone has ever talked about that show in the past 15 years, guaranteed...
What was I blogging about again? Oh yeah people who tickle... Did you really think I forgot? Or did you realize that that was just the only witty paragraph opener I could muster right now... Either way those of you out there who agree with me need to ban together and do our best to bring an end to tickling of any sort, unless it involves a pickle...
Here is a list of ticklers, don't be like these guys folks...
1. Ted Bundy
2. Marilyn Manson
3. Barney (the purple dinosaur)
4. Richard Simmons
5. George W.
6. The late Michael Jackson
7. Macaulay Culkin
8. Tom from Myspace (its that old site people used to use)
9. Pope Benedict
10. Tiger Woods
I never realized how many people had tickling fetishes until I was looking for a picture for this post... My virgin eyes.
are you ticklish?