Day 180--- Take It OFF!!!

So the U.S lost to Canada tonight in the Hockey Olympic Finals thingy. Big Whoop, finally you guys have found something that you can beat us in (and only like 528 people care about hockey anyways) . Well, this doesn't take into account crime rates, and health care and all the important stuff OK. Basically I am only talking about sports here... Well, Yay. I have another early morning at work so I am going to keep this post short like a midgets temper, I swear those things get angry so easily... Today I would like to call attention to another group of idiots that are too unimportant to name, but just important to blog about; the guys who leave tags and stickers on hats and clothes after they buy them.

I am not sure if this is a worldwide trend, so some of you may not know what I am referring to, consider yourselves lucky. It is basically this trend that popped up here sometime in the 90's and according to the douche bag on the bus today it is still occurring in some smaller, less fashionable cities across the nation.

The most common offenders are the guys who like to keep the size stickers (you know the gold ones) on their fitted sport hats... I think this was one of those things that was started when some big black dude went to school one day after he had bought a new hat and he had forgotten to take the sticker off. When someone pointed it out, instead of allowing himself to look stupid he beat up the guy who told him and claimed that it was the new style. From then on every person at that school with a new hat made it a point to keep the sticker on, peer pressure at its finest. From there it spread out nationally and now plagues my eyes. Two things you may ask, first why does the guy in my story have to be black? Simple, because I like fried chicken. Second, why do I let so many things annoy me, I mean its just a little sticker. Simple again, I like fried chicken...

The keeping of tags on clothes came about a little later, maybe 2001-2-3ish. This could have happened the same way but I like to imagine it this way. Some girl. Whatever shape, size, and color you'd like to imagine. Bought a new dress for a blind date. Since it was a blind date and she hadn't had much luck in the past she spent a little more than she normally would have. She told herself that she would keep the dress if the date went well, and she would return it if it was a flop. To ensure return-ability she taped the tag up inside the dress... At some point during the night, that sneaky bastard of a tag came loose and OK... I'm bored with this story already... We will never really know why the F people keep the tags on their clothes. But what we do know is they must not wash them...

Day 179--- "Robert Oh Robert, Let Down Your Hair"...

Welcome to another installment of bloge de Ryane. I think that's Spanish, just adding an E onto things right? Anyways, today's blog is about dudes with long hair...

I am not talking about the guys with like hair down over their ears, which would be long to most of us and I am not even talking about the emo's with their hair down over one of their eyes. I am talking about shoulder length, walk up behind and mistake for a woman hair... I can think of two times in the history of the world that these hair do's may have been cool. The first is with Samson from the Bible, of course if you get your strength from your long hair it is hip, who knows though. Maybe he just told people that so that they didn't make fun of him for having chick hair, guess we will never know. The second, more recent period in history that it was acceptable to have long hair was during the 70's, 80's, and maybe early nineties when head banging was an acceptable white persons dance move... I mean think about how stupid you would look head banging with short hair, you would most definitely look mentally handicapped. If I were to add a third acceptable time, it would have to include any mullet ever, especially the Billy Ray, but I just think that opens the flood gates to too much interpretation.

What possesses dudes to grow their hair out so long? I really am curious, after the movie Troy one year I decided I was going to grow my hair out so I could be Brad Pitt for Halloween. I made it about 3 weeks past when I would normally cut my hair and had a fit and shaved the entire thing... Are they doing it to stay warm? I can imagine that having long flowing locks of hair would be quite nice in those brisk winter months. But I don't think that is why they do it. Is it so that they can have something in common with the ladies, it may be a great secret ice breaker that I don't know about... "Hey what kind of hair dryer do you use? Your hair is so pretty..." , and you're in. It would just be creepy if I tried this approach. Perhaps they are growing it out in order to one day be able to donate to "Locks of Love", a noble cause I must agree... I am sure that their may be countless reasons that these guys deem it necessary to grow their hair out but I am apparently in the dark to all of the good ones...

Guys with long hair scare me even more than girls with short hair, that should speak volumes... Ratio-ishly speaking girls with short hair can pull the look off 6 out of 10 times, however guys with long hair teeter somewhere between the 0 to 1 range. These facts straight from the United States Census. What is even worse than these guys who insist on having long hair are the ones who also find it poignant to fix it into styles designated for females, I have seen more than one guy with pig-tails in my day and that is not a pretty sight. Either they were in the very early stages of transgender-ing or they were sorely confused as to what their options were with long hair. (the pony tail, or nothing). None of these braids, or bangs, or curls, come on now...

When it is all said and done, most of the dudes of the world with long hair are the ones who could probably kick the shit out of me, so I had better wrap it up here before I take it to far. Mozoltov.

Day 178--- Its Not Funny, But it IS...

I have a new addiction, and it has forced my hand at another post. Before I begin I know I am going to be judged, both for the writing of this post and for the watching of this show. But there are people out there that watched Dawson's Creek so I really don't feel that ashamed. So its time to spill the beans on my new TV show addiction while at the same time introducing today's blog victim... Teen moms...

Now I am fully aware that MTV just selected the most entertaining teens to put on this show, and in this day and age entertaining basically boils down to trashy, stupid, and slutty. So I am not under the impression that all teen moms in the world behave this way. But since I have an observational blog, I felt that the girls on this show could not go un-observed. For those of you who have not seen this show, it basically follows the lives of 4 teen girls for a year or so after they have their first child. How MTV knew that they would all be such a mess and therefore supremely entertaining I will never know, but I also don't know why M(usic)TV does not play music any more, I've learned to stop asking questions.

Part of me hopes that MTV is just playing this show so as a form of birth control for all of the other little idiots out there who think that they need to be riding the crazy train in 8Th grade... OK, I may be old fashioned, but I think it just seems weird to be baby-making before you can even drive. Besides this is why Christians invented oral sex, so they could have some fun before marriage without breaking all the rules... (That sounded totally awful, but I used this loop-hole as well...) Speaking of holes, where are the dads in all of this. I all of a sudden feel bad that I am putting the moms on blast when it is really the dads little swimmers who are at fault. On the show there is only one couple that seems to still get along. The rest of them look like they want to kill each other, and then there is the one whorish girl who probably doesn't even know who the baby daddy is, and if she does MTV certainly doesn't.

We all know that 9 out of 10 first children are accidents, but why is it that these accidents continue to happen to younger and younger girls. Is it the music? Should we blame Lady Gaga? Is it the movies or the video games? We like to blame these sources for almost everything else... I have an idea, maybe it is the teens parents, granted they cant stop them from everything, but in the case of the girls on the show it doesn't even seem like they try... Maybe it is just the times though. When I graduated from high school in 03' there was one girl in my graduating class who had a kid, out of like 1200 of us. Nowadays most high schools are probably having to build day cares in them. Holy shit. I just realized I graduated almost 7 years ago. I feel old all of a sudden...

The thing that bothers me most is that these days it really is quite easy to find a very accessible form of contraceptive, but none of these kids even seem to try... I mean sure it may be embarrassing to buy a box of wiener hats before you are even old enough to shave, but that is certainly better than having your first child before you are old enough to shave. In my humble opinion... And I am not huge on education (lol), but come on ladies at least finish high school... Otherwise how are you going to expect to convince your kid to stay in school when they get to that age? You know kids are notorious for using the old "well you didn't do it and you turned out fine"... What they never realize is that you turned out fine because you left him with the grand parents and stripped every night... Otherwise life would have been Top Ramen and Food Stamps for this kid.

This whole situation reminds me of some Flight Of the Conchords stand up. I'm not going to go into detail because it is way less funny without their accents and I could not find video. But if you watch their old HBO special you will know what I mean... Basically they talk about babies having babies... Thank you for reading this random seemingly out of place paragraph...

Here are a list of reasons that you are too young to have a child:

1. You still play with dolls or sleep with a stuffed animal.

2. You sleep with a night light on.

3. You have never had a job, because you are not old enough.

4. The longest book you have ever read had pictures in it.

5. You share a room with your older sibling.

6. You take the bus to school.

7. You are not permitted to an R rated movie without an adult.

8. Your kid will be 6 before you can legally drink.

9. You will have to get your parents to drive your kid to daycare.

10. The majority of your news comes from your Facebook feed or Nickelodeon.

11. If you still wet the bed.

Two condoms do not work better than one, but will almost guarantee a fun game of hide and seek...

You are welcome for that picture.

Day 177--- Can I Get a Witness...?

There is a saying that I have heard before that warns against talking about politics or religion with friends, typically because when people disagree things can become quite heated. However, I feel like we have known each other long enough that nothing like that would or could ever come between us. Which is why today I am going to talk about door to door religion sellers.

When I think about this category two main groups come to mind; Mormon missionaries, and Jehovah's Witnessesssss'... Now before you read on I want you to know that I am not going to be too harsh, just... honest. I want you to know that whatever I say is allowed and PC because I have a black friend, I mean because my dad is Mormon. Yes, I am playing that "safe card". For purposes of this blog I am going to lump the two together as much as I can just so the post does not become too long and boring.

First of all, for me, the door to door religion peddling does not really work. At least not in the United States, mainly because people know. You guys are out there, comedians and popular media have been making fun of you for years. I don't believe it is possible that you show up on some one's doorstep that is like "hmm Mormonism, never heard of that I ought to give that a try, no caffeine, alcohol and multiple wives, why not". Its like commercials about milk to me... Those just seem like such a waste of time and money, like hello we have not forgotten about milk you really don't need to waste advertising money to remind me about it. That's like having a commercial for gas, "oh yeah, that's what I need to buy to keep my car running, thanks advertising geniuses". Now, although I don't believe necessarily in the cause, I support the dedication and the faith in the unseen, I just don't think the door to door approach seems like the most logical way. But maybe they know something I don't.

I mean, they have to know that as soon as people see them riding up on their bikes with their matching suit outfits on that people are turning off all the lights and electronics and hiding behind the couch out of view. I mean, this is what people do to most religious experiences these days but especially when it comes knocking on their door, wearing a tie... Out of the people who answer the door my guess is that. Two in five do not have peep holes, one in five was expecting pizza, one more in that five just wants to argue and convert the person to their team, and the last person just wants someone to talk to... I cant imagine a scenario where people see some missionaries putting their kick-stands up and they rush to the door and open it before they even knock... "Please come tell me about the new testament of Jesus Christ, Ive always wanted to hear about that detour he made in Central America before ascending to heaven"...

Before I go any further I want to touch again on the outfits. While I appreciate the professionalism of their get ups, it just doesn't work for me. On one hand I am amazed that they are riding bikes around whilst wearing Sunday's best. But on the other hand it angers me when people dress better than me, I feel like they are talking down on me, and while that may be their purpose, I think that they should at least get to wear jeans and a blazer or something. The bikes, I bet you Lance Armstrong would be a good Mormon, plus it would be good biking practice. For real though, why bikes, I mean, I know that the church requires 10% from its members weekly, you'd think they would at least give these guys a business car, seems fair to me...

I do not know quite as much about Jehovah's Witnesses, I am not related to any of them so I have not got as much of the inside scoop on this one. But the two things I do know, one, they believe that there are only 144,000 people who are going to make it to the highest level of heaven, and that quota has already been filled. Yet they still go around trying to convert people in hopes of getting one of the sub par heavens... That's like saying, "hey, I'm having a birthday party at Disney World and you are invited, but there is too many people so you can hang out at Chuck E Cheese's (pizza party place in the US)...". Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either. Also I hear they don't celebrate birthdays. Which, I just don't think I can ever fully trust anyone who does not celebrate birthdays, they are like robots... Speaking of robots, today is my girlfriends birthday!!! Wooo, happy birthday babe, she should be in class but instead she is still sleeping. See, a Jehwit would be in class right now not exercising the same entitlement...

Can you imagine if all of the other religions sent out spokesman, I cant imagine a curly Hacid showing up on my doorstep, his donkey parked in my driveway. I guess Muslims bring their religion to our doorstep, typically it is strapped to their chests, doesn't have quite the same effect. The Pope driving door to door in his Pope golf cart, that could be pretty rad actually... I could go on and on, but I wont.

But hey, they must be doing something right, the worlds most popular position is still missionary style.

Day 176--- Wo-MAN...

My only introduction today is to say. Watch 30 Rock!!!

And now for the good stuff... I have decided to write again about a group that scares me. Female body builders...

I have a strong feeling that I am not the only person frightened by these female centaurs, which is why I am going to take a couple minutes out of my busy schedule to put in my two cents for the rest of us... I'd like to know why?... Why?... Why would potentially beautiful and dainty women want to do this to themselves, it is almost as confusing as the WNBA. Not the sport itself of course. more so that people actually watch it.

In my opinion these muscle women would be better suited in the booth next to the bearded lady at the state fair, of course, I would not be surprised if they were same people... I could even see them as the main event at the circus but I really believe that their presence should be limited to these special events... I would even allow a tug of war showdown between one of them and 15 midgets, but really anytime these woMEN are out in public it really should be some sort of spectacle... I may be the only one manner-less enough to say it but I know that you all are thinking it. As humans we cannot help avert our eyes from car wrecks and things of that sort, and what is a muscle woman really if not a walking talking car wreck...

Have you ever seen one of these beasts smile? I didn't think so, I don't know if they are just incapable due to muscle restriction in the face, or if they are truly just as angry as they look. Of course we would all be that angry as well if we were that beastly but, they have brought it upon themselves, its not like anyone else forced them to just eat a can of tuna, a banana, and a gallon of Creatine each day... Maybe they are like the over-make-up-ed girls, running from their ugliness straight into something Ripley worthy, believe it or not. They really are one of those things that it like pains you to look at but once you have started looking it is hard to move your attention on to anything else... I just spent a few minutes looking for the photo/s for this post, a process that is normally quite quick kept me busy for the better part of 10 minutes... If you get a second google it for yourself, if you are lucky Google will surprise you with a few nudes. This is not pornographic by any means, it is really more scientific than anything. View it as a free trip to the natural history museum... And on that note we shall conclude this post.

PS. Does having sex with one of these things count as bestiality?