Day 202--- Futonomics Anonymous...

This post has been inspired by a personal life situation. I am currently moving from one apartment to the next. When thinking about this annoying task I said to myself (in my head) "it would just be easier to sell this (nice) queen size bed and buy some small futon to move into the next place"... I realized at that point that I had lowered my standards so far that I was actually willing to sacrifice long term comfort for short term convenience... I am not yet sure if I have become that lazy or if I was just not thinking, but regardless I was inspired to do a blog about anyone over 25 (or out of college) still sleeping on a futon.

Years ago, when I first discovered the 8th wonder of the man made world "the futon", I'll have to admit that I was impressed... Couch by day and bed by night, what could be better, you didn't have to remove cushions like those pesky couch beds, you didn't have to pull it out of the wall like a Murphy bed. All you had to do was literally just push the back down, and presto, you have a bed.... But the older I get the more I realize that the good ol futon is more like the mullet of the home furnishing department. Sure it gives you both the business and the party option but it does it in such a white trash way... For instance, most people know that you have sex on your bed, but most people would imagine that there is less of a chance that you have done it bare assed on your couch... But the futon completely ruins any doubt that we would have in our minds, seeing as how the futon is the only real option...

So that is why in my opinion futons must be limited to anyone in college, or anyone up to the age of 25... Outside of this category I will assume that you are either still living at home, meaning the home you grew up in, and probably having your mom still make your lunch before she drives you to work. Or maybe you are a hippie, who has promised never to conform to the proper couch loving conformists of the world. Possibly you could be one of the guys who still lives the high school life, front row every football game of the season, (including away games), still attends and buys beer for all High school parties. That guy is allowed to have a futon. Or any single male (bachelor) over the age of 35, by this point if you are not rich, or at least well on your way you are probably going to end up living a very lonely life, so I'd say why not go for convenience on this one, probably not going to be sharing the bed anyways. Unless you look like Harrison Ford. Anyone who has a blog, or any other sort of web fascination whether it be World of Warcraft or website building, go ahead and have a futon as well, don't wanna have too much open space in the bed. Of course you could always just be in a band, or even just owning an instrument and knowing a few chords would allow you enough positive cool points to own a futon, we all know how cool people in bands are...

There is a slim possibility that I forgot one or two people from this list, but for the most part if you do not fall into any of these categories you should probably get rid of that futon and get a big boy bed... I have a feeling that most girls would find it more attractive if you slept in a big boy version of a race car bed like Missy Elliot than they would if they came over and found out that they were going to get poked on a futon. At least the car bed shows that you have a sense of humor... To those who have futons... Sleep well.

Day 201--- Onto the Next One...

Day 201, oh boy this is going to be exciting, but really aren't all these posts pretty much the most exciting thing that people see daily? Just nod your head in agreement, you never know if I am standing outside your window or not, blogger tracks everyones home address for me.... Anyways on to the post. Ive got a lot of potential posts running around in my head but today I think I am going to blast the serial daters.

I'd say if you are under the age of 30 and have at least ten friends (not on the Internet), then more than likely at least one of the ten is a serial dater... Serial dating to me does not necessarily mean that they are going on dates with different people every night of the week, sure they count. But I am also talking about those who will go straight from one month with one person, get their heart broken, say they need time off, and then two days later being out with someone else, turning that into the next heartbreak.

Being the mama's boy that I am most of my life I have had the blessing/curse of having pretty much all female friends. While this position has its perks, ie. if I need advice on how to match an outfit or the best new chick flick to take my girlfriend to, it also comes with the strict un-negotiable title of "Resident relationship advice man from a males perspective"... While I have played my part well for the past 10-15 years I cant say that I always enjoy it, not because I don't love giving male insight and sneakily cock-blocking some dude Ive never met, no that's not the reason at all. Mainly its because half of the time my friends will come to me begging for advice and not taking it.

More often than any other problem I find that they are these serial daters. General situation, they meet someone out at a bar, he seems nice, he talks about his mom, and how much he loves puppies. He has a job, health insurance, and no tattoos on his face, so the girls instantly think he is the one for them. They don't give it up the first night, and are so pleased that he wants to go on a second date, things are still nice, he is not abusive yet, still likes puppies, and the skull tattoo on his back is only visible with his shirt off, that's fine her parents will never see it.... After a few dates, she feels something (horny), so they have sex, he acts weird after, makes an excuse to leave, doesn't text for a couple days. He makes an excuse four days later, and sets up another date, says something nice that gets her even more hooked, now she thinks this could be the one. This goes on for about a month in one form or another and by this point she is in love, he is getting bored, he starts to act different, which is really just him showing how he really is after he has gotten what he wanted. That drags on for another month or so and while she is holding tight he is trying to sneak out the window in the middle of the night. Finally things end, she comes to me, explains the situation, talks about how she just needs to be single for a while and figure herself out. Three days later, I met this really great guy out at the bar the other night--- the circle of single life, the circle of a serial dater.

As I am writing this I'm realizing that its having a slightly more serious/bitchy tone than a lot of my other posts, but I guess its just because this is a subject matter I have been dealing with silently for years. This goes for guys and girls alike, but if you don't want to have your heart broken 10 times a year, don't give it to 10 people a year. If you say that you'd like some time to yourself, then give yourself some time it really comes down to making that decision. The funny thing is that I know that the few friends I have that are in the deepest into this so called dating world are never going to read this, probably because they are too busy dating.

The biggest key words that a girl or guy can look for in a potential serial dater is, "I'm not sure what I want right now." That is code for, I'm down to put the p in the v and maybe even see a movie or three but don't expect me to put a ring on that fing-er, and once I realize you're a clinger I'll be gone quicker than a Brendan Fraser movie from the theaters. Not to ruin people's perfect vision of the dating world, but real life is probably more like Sex and the City than it is like Serendipity, not that I know what Sex and the City is like. I'd also like to point out that where you meet these potential prospects can tell you a lot about what the future may hold... Basically don't go to a synagogue if you wouldn't want to marry a Jew, even though they do have more money and power than your family will ever have. And my last bit of advice, don't date George Clooney if you ever want to get married.

Anyways, I'm going to step off of my soapbox and leave the preaching to people like Kanye West and Al Sharpton. I'll make sure the next post has more laugh potential.

Day 200--- En-GAUGing...

So day 200, I finally made it to you, you look better than I would have expected. You would think that I was gonna do something special to celebrate making it this far, especially after the past few months, but I'm not. Because as I see it, each day is just as special as the day before. With that being said its time to make fun of someone new... How about those people out there with excessively gauged ears... Yes, that'll work.

So if the picture that I included isn't enough to describe this atrocity or if you are one of the many blind people who subscribe to my blog in braille allow me to elaborate. Gauging is the act of taking a normal/standard sized piercing and spreading it out to the point that someone could toss a dart through the hole. Hopefully though, if you allow someone to try this they will miss on purpose and hit you somewhere towards the middle of the face-eyeball area. For no other reason than because you deserve it... I do not know why these people feel the need to try and look like they are part of some sort of Amazonian or African tribe. And lets be honest, the look isn't even cool on them, give Tim Gunn 5 minutes with the Wachootoo Tribe and he'd have them regretting that they ever decided to expand those ear lobes.

Now, I have never been close enough, nor will I ever be close enough one of these people to find out for sure. But I imagine, in my not so vivid imagination that these ear holes must smell like something that Amy Winehouse would cough up after a night of not being in rehab. I mean, its essentially a hole with stretching dying flesh, and no I'm not talking about Winehouse anymore I'm talking about the ears... You know what, maybe they don't smell at all, but chances are that anyone willing to do this to themselves probably has something wrong with them that would make them smell in the first place...

OK, gauging your ears may not be as bad as a tattoo on the face, (Mike Tyson-just in case you're still keeping up on my blog I cant believe you did that to your face) but it is easily in the same realm of idiotic decisions... I firmly believe that gauging is a gateway decision to other bad body decisions, first the ears, then you are going to want to put a small plate in your lip, then cut your tongue in half like a snake, its just an endless spiral of bad decisions. Yeah, it may be your body, but unlike an abortion the rest of us have to deal with the consequences of your bad choices along with you.

I feel like a lot of the people who do this to themselves are just upset with the way they look, and already have poor self image because of the way they look. While I understand this, because I have seen how ugly the majority of you are, let me warn you that putting multiple pieces of metal through your face is not going to properly divert attention from the ugly-ness... It actually has an odd way of accentuating it, which believe me, nobody wins when this happens. The only good thing that can come from gauging your ears and sticking an overload of metal in your head is that now you will more than likely get struck with lightning before I do, if we are standing anywhere close to each other. Which, would be a mystery in itself. Anyways that's my time.

Day 199--- SPEAKER-Phone...

I'd like to think of another good excuse to why I've been so lazy on the blog-front but its really just been due to a lack of time, oh, and that little vacation back to New York didn't help either... Although Ive been away from the computer Ive been jotting down some ideas for the next 200 some odd days, so lets get this show back on the road... Today I'm going with the D-bags who talk way louder than necessary on their cell phones...

We all know these people... For me they usually turn up behind me on the bus or behind me in line at the grocery store. One of the few places I cant just run away from the annoyance... I tell myself that they just have a problem controlling the volume of their voices, but in reality I think that they just want other people to hear what is going on in their life... Similar to bloggers... These people probably know that the person on the other end of the phone is not paying any attention to their babbling on so they try and create an audience from the people around them... Sure sometimes it works, there are certain key words that they could throw in that would interest me. Sex, kill, blood, albino, tiger, you know, stuff like that would interest anyone... But I assure you we are not into just any run of the mill phone conversation... No, I don't want to hear what you want for dinner, well, unless you are going to hunt down, have sex with and kill an albino tiger, otherwise please use your inside voice... Better yet, use your telephone voice, that's at least a decibel or two quieter I'm sure, I promise you that the speaker on the other side will deliver all the information that you are trying to get across...

One other conversation that is always acceptable to have loudly is a break up... I mean, traditionally I think these should be handled via letter, email, or text, but if you must break up over the phone please do it so that I can hear... It would be even better if you could put the other person on speaker phone so that I can hear both sides of it, but if you don't have speaker phone, first of all its 2010, upgrade, second do that thing where you repeat what they said in disbelief... For instance they say, "I cant do this anymore, I've been seeing your brother." Now, that's important stuff that I want to hear, so what you do is say something along the lines of... "I cant believe you just said that you have been seeing my brother."... SO then I am right there with you like you want me to be...

If you really don't think you can handle the volume control there is always this new technology called texting... Sure, the people on the bus with you wont know everything that is going on in your life, but hey, then you can just start a blog...

For those of you who are still visiting me even after my shotty past couple of months, I love you, and I hope you still keep coming back and letting my words impregnate your eyes. Cheers.