Day 198--- Whats Your Fanta-ta-tasy....?

Haha, Sco, I know that we don't really know each other, but just based off of what I do know about you I have to say that I am not shocked to find out that you use handkerchiefs... Its not even that I assume you would be gross like the people I described, but I feel like you'd be exactly like the kid I'm friends with from high school who uses them... Clearly its an OK thing if you two use them... (Think anyone else read through this whole thing?)...

Main Entry:	fantasy sport
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	any sports competition with imaginary teams which the participants own, manage, and coach and with the games based on statistics generated by actual players or teams of a professional sport; cf. {rotisserie league}
Usage:	sport

So today I've decided to do a post about people who play fantasy sports... While I am obviously going to make fun of them like I do the rest of the people I write about, I have to admit up front that I have dabbled in this world... But there are stages...

Like I said, Ive dabbled in this world, but my inspiration comes from a few friends I have who play like they were in the big leagues, minus the performance enhancing drugs... While this can be a fun little way to have some legal bets amongst friends and have an excuse for older men to go play at their friends houses and come home smelling like cigars... I think fantasy sports were created primarily for people who've realized it was about as close as they were ever going to get to that sport again... Well for them, and your typical sports fanatic with a gambling problem... For the rest of us giving up on our sports fantasies there is the office softball team and if you've become too immobile for that, I hear there are some pretty realistic Wii games out there...

Honestly I never would have realized how deep and dark the world of fantasy sports is had I not made friends with a kingpin of its underworld... My buddy Steve actually spent hard earned money on a fantasy baseball stat book that he studied for weeks prior to this seasons draft, I'm sure there are scouts out there that put in less time than he did... It was intriguing to watch study and basically copy down this entire book so that he could make the best possible team... And this was before the season had even started... Now he is finagling trades and watching games day in and day out... I imagine when you've slipped into this world ESPN supplies the only news you need, you pray to your team, and you carry around balls... You focus more attention on this than you ever did any test, or class in all your years at school and all for a small pot and bragging rights until next season...

On a level of James Dean to complete dork I'd give fantasy sports a solid 6.6... Its far enough away from video games, Anime, comic books, Star Trek, or wrestling that I cant give put it in the 8-10 range that they fall in. Plus it deals with actual sports so just because I'm a boy I have to allow it some cool points for that alone... Well, I'd love to stay and chat but there's this new anime comic book about Star Trek that I just got in the mail and I've been dying to read it... Later...

I went with pictures that show what my fantasy sports would look like...

Day 197--- Pass the Tissue's...

Today I have selected a group of people that I thought would have died out with the disappearance of the VHS tape at the very latest... I was mistaken, although there are not millions of them out there, a few still lurk the streets... If you guessed people who use handkerchiefs, you would not be mistaken...

Truly this is an nasal evacuation art-form that has the sanitation police everywhere up in arms. Nothing seems less appealing to me than carrying around something that I have blown my nose in, only to open it up again later and put my nose back where it doesn't belong... OK, for a brief moment I can understand the necessity back in the day prior to tissues and proper toilet paper, but that excuse is out the window... and so is my brief moment of understanding. I would honestly rather see someone straight up picking their nose, or wiping the snot on their sleeve than to know they are recycling snot rags... I know from first hand tissue experience that you have to be a very crafty individual to even get in 2 decent blows on a normal tissue. So how much unused area do you really have each time you go back to the hanky? Not much is the answer to that question...

The fact that people wash them after using grosses me out even more, granted, that is the point of the whole recycle-ability behind them. But just to think people are still tossing snot-caked napkins into the wash with the rest of their clothes is enough to make me dry heave. And I'm a pretty gross dude myself, plenty of people could attest to that I'm sure... But I don't think I could ever sink this low. I mean, what happens when they have a really ummm big one, how can they be OK putting that back into their pocket?... and what happens if it gets squished around in there? Ah, ew, imagine...

You may think that these things are only still used by old people, but nay. One of my very good friends from high school carried one around with him every day, and probably still does, he had a whole damn collection of these things, even a few with his initials on them... Yeah, he was hardcore. Having been friends with someone who frequented the pocket snot rocket socket, I know all too well that no amount of ridicule is going to slow these boogers down... We need to find another way to get people to stop using these things... Normal business thinking would tell us to just raise prices on them, but I imagine if they were really dedicated users they would form a black market, or start cutting up t-shirts and blankets. Maybe we could start issuing tickets, or citizens arrests, any ideas?... Cus' I'm out...

Day 196--- "Oh, That Looks Great On You..."

I fully appreciate all those of you who made it past the picture to read the last post... As shocking as it may seem there was not a whole lot of sweat-panted fatty's to choose from on the Internet. Sure I could have gone to any Denny's or Wal-Mart and taken at least 30 pictures of my own, but I was strapped for time... Today I have decided to post about a group of people that constantly, indirectly ruin my nights out... I speak of the girls who tell their friends that they look good in things that they don't...

You may not find that this is a huge problem, but on the contrary it is usually precisely that. As a general rule, most people start out their lives as semi-self conscious beings. Most girls will start out naturally covering things that should be covered, and typically don't start to hang loose until they get some coaching from their friends and peers... Questions such as "do I look OK in this?" or "does this make me look fat?" will no doubt be asked along the way... If answered honestly many of the ungodly clothing decisions could be thwarted Freshman year. However, most girls will lie to their friends, either to save feelings or out of pure convenience... Therefore these girls, who should not be wearing certain things get it into their minds that they still look good in skin tight, low cut, or high cut clothes even while pushing 250 Lbs... Ladies and gentlemen, this is a tragedy. I compare them to the people on the first few stages of American Idol who everyone makes fun of, no one wants to tell their friends or family that they suck at singing so they lie to them their whole lives, only to see them humiliated on national TV... This is what happens weekly at bars all across the world, people taking a nose-dive into social suicide with some of the outfits that they choose, all because no one wanted to be honest and say "you look like a cow, cover up a bit more," or "I'm lactose intolerant, lets cover up that cottage cheese". Honesty should be the number one policy...

I'm sure some of you are probably saying that guys are just as at fault as females. This is incorrect. Anyone who has ever met a female knows that guys are never allowed to be honest with them when it comes to clothing choices, we are given a very strict list of things we are allowed to say, and they are all positive... They frankly don't even really want our opinion, they just want us to say what they want to hear, which is obviously always going to be good... "No that does not make your butt look big, yes it makes your boobs look huge, no I cant tell that you have not shaved your legs for a week," and so on... I'm sure if you look in the rule to life there will be something very clearly outlining the males responsibility to a females/ girlfriends outfit somewhere in chapter one... Unless of course the guy friend is gay, then he is held to the same rules as any female friend, that's what he wants anyways.

Since this has been going on for years it is not going to be an easy thing to reverse, but I say that no time is better than the present to try... Preferably sometime before summer comes around and there are a plethora of mid-drifts that should be covered and are not, legs that should still be in long pants, and boobs that should be better supported... Just sayin...

Day 195--- Thanks for the Visual...

As I sit here in front of my computer I am actually shocked that I have made it to day 195 before this group made it into a post... I started my Improv class tonight, and amongst all the characters in the class there was one guy who was just begging to be written about. I could probably choose at least 5 characteristics that he possessed to write on, but for the sake of time I have narrowed it down to one... Men/overweight men, who wear sweatpants in public...

I've spent years in denial that people like this actually exist, tonight I found out just how real they are. As males we learn by about 12 or 13 that sweatpants are generally not for use outside the home. For a number of reasons mainly centering around the general package area, and the surprises that it can cause. This list covers everything from surprise drip-age to accidental excitement, all reasons that made it clear to me as a young man that I should probably reserve the ol sweatpants for home, and maybe the occasional Nascar event. At no age would I ever decide that these general rules stopped applying to me, but it is quite clear that Harry from Improv adheres to his own set of rules...

Sure this is something that I have seen a time or two before, but usually comes on a rare trip to Wal-Mart or while handing out bread at a homeless shelter. Never did I think that I would be graced with such up close and personal uninterrupted time with someone who finds these things to be legal. First of all, why are they always grey? Every time my presence has been graced with s.p. the wearer always seems to have also selected the color that will show every stain, drip, or indention that most other colors could attempt to camouflage. They also always seem to choose a size about 2 sizes too small, Harry's were so painted on that by the end of class everyone could have drawn up a topographical map of his "situation" from memory... And I don't even draw well... Not to mention the Mariana's trench of a wedgie that these things raped upon his backside, leaving nothing to the imagination...

What is it that has to happen in your life that makes you comfortable in public wearing sweatpants? I mean besides the obvious "comfort factor"... When is the point where you are just like, "F it! I'm busting out the sweatpants today and I don't care who sees me". Something tragic would have to happen to me before I reached the point where I cared this little about my appearance, I would sooner cut the nipples out of my shirt and go out than I would prance around town in some sweatpants. This is like mid-life crisis attire, or just plain crisis attire. This is still living in my mothers basement attire, 40 year old virgin attire, public master-bater attire. These pants are not politically correct, they are To Catch a Predator, threat level orange, but definitely not p.c.. But, when its all said and done I guess diversity is what makes us great right? The only thing I am worried about is that if that's what he wore on week one, what do I have to look forward to...

PS. I was shocked at the sheer lack of photo-graphical documentation that Google had to offer me on this subject, but apparently they were very interested in any picture that they could get of Britney Spears in sweats.

Day 194--- Like A Thief in the Night...

Today a friend posted something on Facebook that reminded me about a group of people that has driven me insane my entire life... With the thoughts of those memories fresh on my mind I decided that writing a post on the subject was only natural, so here we are. I call them; food snatchers...

Straight to the point, these are the people without manners or dignity that will basically walk up and help themselves to a bit of your food, without even asking... Now, I am not talking about a total stranger and I am assuming this does not happen much outside the food industry and high school, but ever since I was 14 these people have driven me nuts... I remember in middle school, my first had a few encounters with these lawless people... (If you cant tell by now I am very protective of my food). These people have worked out some sort of system that when they are in an environment with enough people eating that they can buy absolutely nothing and go home full... In middle school and high school they went around and picked off stray french fries and chicken nuggets. They worked each persons plate just well enough that anyone would look like a selfish fat bastard if they told them to bug off, and since they lack any form of shame they could just scour the table like a buzzard and eat to their hearts desire... Like I said before I am protective of my food, which basically means that there were no spares, no left overs, no extras for some cheap ass buzzard to come pick off. No, I wanted all six of my nuggets thank you very much... Yet day in and day out they would syphon away 1 tenth of my meal... It was amazing how even they were the ones who would just grab onto other peoples plates that they could make me feel like the cheap bastard if I gave them a look or made a smart comment about them needing to buy their own shit...

After middle school and high school, I thought that these people had pretty much become tame and throughout the years managed to blend into society... Not true, and I found this out the hard way whilst working in the food industry... Ordering and eating on the go is kind of the way you take breaks when you work in a restaurant, at least all of the ones that I have worked in pretty much run this way. So in the break area there is almost always a dish of something that someone is coming back to try and eat when they are not busy... This is the perfect opportunity for the "food snatchers" to usher themselves back into society... And oh boy did one girl in particular make a name for herself at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. Times Sq... Sure, names are irrelevant, but Brandi was the most ruthless french fry and shrimp assassin known to man, so she deserves her name in Blog-istory... If you left your food unattended on a shift with her, it would be no shock to come back to your plate with half the food missing. I honestly tried to avoid buying any finger food when she was there, I liked to think that deterred her every now and then. And when I talk about lack of shame I mean, zero, if she wanted some of your fries and you had not used any ketchup, she would just squirt it out right there on your plate and murder your shit. If you walked back and she was eating your stuff she would just look at you like - thats right bitch, say something... I hated it, everyone hated it, but in order to be the bigger people none of us ever said anything... I worked there for 4 years, and we had a staff of around 100 servers at a time, and as long as she had seen you more than once, your meal was fair game... We all made these secret little jokes like it would be politically incorrect to actually say something, it would be like we were automatically calling her a fat retarded Jew if we just said "hey will you hop off my food for a while, cheers"... Its this ass backward thinking that has made this world a bunch of wieners, me included... Its like I cant say anything to the homeless man pissing on my stoop because he is homeless and he cant help it, but I also cant piss on the bench that he sleeps on or I'm the asshole... Doesn't make any sense I tell you... Well Id better wrap up before I take this post off the political deep end... And make less sense than I did to begin with...

Moral of the story is to just buy your own damn food. If I would have wanted to share, I promise you I would have offered... But as long as my fat ass is paying for the food you can bet that I will be licking the plate clean... For those of you who have never had this happen, you either have always surrounded yourself with people who have eating disorders, or people who have manners... I have not been so fortunate...

Day 193--- Assistant To the Regional Manager...

This is going to be the first time I have posted two days in a row in far too long... When I think back I cant believe that I posted these things everyday for like 125 days straight... Gotta get back in the groove... If you have ever worked a day in your life you have no doubt encountered today's bags of douche... They have been given so very many names over the years but today I shall start by referring to them as the power trippers....

A majority of the time these people will come in the form of a manager of some sort, whether they be higher or lower on the totem pole is really irrelevant to the stimulation that even the slightest taste of power will give these people... If you have ever worked in retail, the food industry, or any other business with a pyramid scheme of bosses you know exactly what I am talking about... For these half-breeds it does not even matter if they are just filling in as a supervisor for a day, their true colors are sure to come out at some point... I have not run any studies, but it is my strong belief that these people were the ones who grew up with no friends... And if there were people that pretended to like them, then they most certainly were not given any power in the friendship, no choosing what to play, what to watch, what to eat... They basically had the follow the other kids around just to be accepted into a group... They lived this way up through high school, always following never having the chance to lead, not even being selected to pick first in Heads-Up Seven-Up... They float out into the workplace with the same set of skills, accept for once you are working where they want you to follow, it actually starts getting them noticed... Before you know it they are asked (because of their attention to following rules and all that stuff that cool people don't do) if they would like a spot on the management team, basically to help enforce the rules from another angle. Without hesitation they accept, spawning one of the most evil beings known to man...

Instantly they squeeze every once of power that they can out of their new position... No doubt making up a set of nonsense bullshit rules along the way... There is a good chance that these people will also be huge advocates of busy-work, something I have never been a fan of... You could be completely done with all necessary work and standing a round for a breath, when they will come say something snarky like "we are not paying you to stand around, why don't you find something to do?"... To which I would like to reply, "Blow me" but I have learned the hard way they may be allowed to fire you. In case you are still confused, the most famous power tripper that comes to mind is Dwight from The Office... If you know the show you know the bit about him being assistant to the regional manager, but he always says assistant regional manager, yeah you get it...

See I have been a manager before and thankfully I didn't slip into this territory, I found that giving respect, you get it, and people will be much more willing to help out and do shit when you ask them... Rather than fake it when they see you coming and then go right back to doing nothing when you are gone... I think that these P.T.'s must not realize that this is exactly what we all do... We nod, act like we are going to pick something up, take out the trash, run food, fold something, but as soon as you look the other way our thumbs are right back up our asses, where they belong...

Day 192--- Skinny Chance...

Over the past couple of weeks I have been taking some time to organize my life as much as I can, which has not given me much blogging time. But it has given me a lot of time to think of some great new topics, that should be coming out in over the next few months. As a part of my organization I have been working out daily with the P90x workout program, doing that has reminded me how nice it would be to be naturally skinny. In a world obsessed with weight, and figure I decided it was about time I wrote about some people in the weight world that bug me, by no fault of their own... So bend over and take it in your naturally skinny butt...

Metabolism is a word that I want to punch in the face. Seriously if metabolism ever came close to me I wouldn't even have to be drunk to hit him right between the eyes. Lucky for me, I don't think I will have to worry about him coming anywhere near. Growing up, even at a young age I was the kid who had to watch what I ate and work out all the time, being that kid starting at 9 has given me a long time to form a proper resentment towards the naturally skinny. Now, I don't hate them personally, but I hate everything that they stand for. Which is pretty much just eating whatever they want and not gaining weight, I have actually met people who seem to lose weight the more that they eat... For instance, my little brother. The kid is about 5 ft 11 and weighs 126lbs, however he can and does out eat me any time we are together. He is always eating, and he does not skimp on portion sizes yet he seems to be smaller each time I see him... Apparently he got all the metabolism that we should have split. Thanks gene pool...

I think I could get over all of this and live happily ever after if I was not constantly bombarded with TV ads for medicines that will essentially turn me into one of them. It makes me feel like such a non human that I should have to take a pill if I just want my body to do what it is supposed to do. "Here you go, take Relicore and your body will actually break down food like it is supposed to, monthly supply is only $299.99".

You know what... Come to think of it I may have just been born in the wrong time period... Because I am pretty sure back in the day, hefty people were actually the coolest. Back when a beer belly and a fat neck was a sign of wealth, I think that is when I was supposed to be born. When all of the magazines had those pale bastards as centerfolds, and when eating a whole turkey leg at dinner was not frowned upon. Yeah, I think that is when I was meant to be born. My what a joke God played on me.

I recently read somewhere that naturally skinny people are more likely to go bald or grey before the rest of us... I don't mean to worry those of you that may happen across this blog, but that is something that you have to look forward too. Actually I just made that up to make myself feel better for a moment, and it worked.

I figured Id cap this off with a list of celebrities who are not naturally skinny... Just to remind us we can all still be rich and famous...

1. Star Jones

2. Randy Jackson

3. Oprah Winfrey

4. Al Roker

5. Kirstie Alley

6. Kevin Federline

7. Mariah Carey

8. Elvis

9. That subway sandwich dude.

10. Kevin Smith

Btw, just to update those of you who've been following me a while... I'm finally working on editing the book that I wrote back in August, you should all be thrilled, because once it is done I may send a few of my most devoted followers an early copy to get their take on it... (Short and funny so don't worry)... I start a second job and my improv class next week, which will hopefully open some doors stand-up wise, so I am stoked about that. Other than that just wanted to thank you guys for keeping up, even though my busy-ness has cut down my frequency I still promise to keep this going. Cheers.