Day 162--- Fanseussicaltastimazing...

VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE

The lot made for parking is riddled with cars,

in the last place on earth you will ever see stars

Parade through the door past the wrinkled old greeter,

don't forget the pink sticker for that broken bird feeder

With the appearance of a homeless shelter and scent of Depends,

don't be alarmed this is how any trip to Wal-Mart begins

You head to the service desk avoiding collision,

passing the McDonald's and that store for eye vision

Returned that old feeder, now gift card in hand,

Finally free to roam cheap-o land

The sights and the sounds; overwhelming and spectaculating,

Especially that guy in the fitting room maste*bating

If this were Target he'd surely been fired,

but here at old Wal-Mart this is how you get hired

So many people, this place they infest

Did you know they got rid of those ugly blue vests?

Back to the mission a bird-feeder we need,

Oh wait, electronics, gotta check the Cd's

Forget it Wally World bleeps all the cuss words,

plus you really need a feeder for all those birds

Back on the search, but then you pass toys,

made by all the little Chinese girls and boys

Barbie's, board games, Avatars, LEGO's,

puzzles, Star Wars, and buckets of Play-Doh

Thousands of memories and hours of fun,

have once again distracted you from the job to be done

Press onward to garden, past the rakes and lawn gnomes,

towards the little bird feeders on the aisle with bird homes

Finally you make it, when shizlinkenstein "no!",

Some old man grabbed the last one just seconds ago

You beg and you plead for that thing that you need,

but his greed is the proof you will never succeed

"Would you let me have that feeder?"

"Could you let me I cant ask sweeter?"

"Can I have it? I won't ask twice?",

"OK, I will, but I'm asking real nice"

"May I have it for a trade?"

"pretty please with sugar and pink lemonade?"

Yes, I know that sounded gay,

but what do you say? Can I have it today?

He laughs in your face and then spits in your eye,

Oh now its on, this old man must die

You reach for his hair and pull back a wig,

For a fight that started off small, it's sure getting big

Employees surround and chant out his name,

apparently you've challenged a greeter who's risen to fame

One punch, two punch, three punch, four,

One more punch you're on the floor

On the floor and now your bleeding, this is what you get for pleading,

loving birds, and feeding seeding; a bloody nose and quite a beating

The employees scram and leave you alone,

Should have just exchanged for a silly lawn gnome

One of those creepy things for the front of your home,

(yes, you're close to the end of the poem)

No luck today at the smiley-face store,

but this wont be your last trip to the land of the poor.

Always..............

(Disclaimer: The views expressed in this post are not necessarily those shared by the owner of the blog... Dr. Seuss made me do it... If you could not tell this was week 5 of our blogger idol, post had to be in Dr. Seuss style to count. I hope you enjoyed it or at least had a laugh.... If you did please go vote for me over at Knuckleheads blog... We are down to only 3 of us so check them out, pick your favorite, and vote on the right hand side...!!! I hate losing!!!)

Day 161--- Curse of the Channel Changer..

Hello again friends... I hope that everyone has had a swell day thus far, and if you are just beginning your day when you read this I hope that it is nice from here on out... Now, that I have gotten the formalities out of the way it is time to introduce the character of the day... The constant channel changer, almost every family has one...

If you have ever sat down with a group of people in front of the TV and not been in charge of the remote, you have no doubt had to put up with the likes of one of these people... They always manage to keep a show on just long enough for me to get into it and then before you know it they are on to a different channel... Usually with some snide remark about the show that I had just become unknowingly attached to... As they sit there surfing through the channels all I can think is what I am now missing back on the first channel... Even if the first stop was an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air that I have seen 20 times.

I cant imagine what these people would have don't pre-remote control, certainly they could have walked up to the TV every time they wanted to put something else on but most of the people I know are far too lazy for that... Including myself of course... I have turned on the TV before and then sat down realizing I had left the controller on top of the TV and ended up sitting through an entire Lifetime movie just because I didn't feel like standing back up...

What about before there were even multiple channels to turn to? These times would have been torture for them, stuck only being able to click through 3 channels, this really would have been awful during the 5 O'clock News... Or if they would have been playing M.A.S.H, Designing Women, and a Hockey Game at the same time... OK I am aware that these probably were not out at the same time, nor were they out during the days of only 3 channels, but can you imagine the horror?...

These channel changing demons also always seem to find a way to be controlling the radio/CD/MP3 when I am in the car... Every seventeen seconds, mid-chorus belting voice for me, they are on to the next station or song... Its ridiculous... I am curious if they even know how any of the songs or shows end that they are constantly turning off... It starts to seem like a nervous tick, like something they are doing without even knowing... This is why I suggest to learn who these people are before you give them access to such a position of control... Once you learn who they are there are certain precautions that you can do to make sure they have less control... For instance, beating them into the room and removing the batteries from anything that they may try and use... In the car you are just going to have to deal with it for now, I cant think of anything safe that would keep them from switching things up on you...

Seriously though, this problem is like the most telling form of adult A.D.D. I wonder if they are the same way with books and other things of entertainment nature... Five minutes in one book and then they are onto the magazine for a few, after looking at the pictures on one page they get out the coloring book and go to town... For people with this short of an attention span this is what I recommend the highest... Not too much thought, and in reality no one will even mind if you cant stay in the lines, which lets face it, you probably wont... If you guys think of any other creative ways to deal with these people please do tell...

PS. please make sure to come back between Sunday and Wednesday to Vote for my DR. Seuss post... I have not started yet but I'm sure it will be... Seussical...

Day 160--- "I'm Kickin My Ass, Do You Mind???"

So it appears as though I just squeaked through into the next round of competition thanks to an outpouring of votes from some of my friends on Facebook, also seems as though ScoMan sent a couple people my way by featuring me on his thisisTuesday post this week. I was very honored to be matched up with Michael C. Hall, couldn't have picked a better match myself. Today I have decided to do a bit of a strange post, still about people but a very very select group... I decided that something must be done about all the martial arts movies in which the lead always has a twin, and since all I do is blog, this is what must be done...

Seriously though, I have just signed up for Netflix so I am going through reviewing movies that I have seen in my past so they can suggest stuff that I'll like. When I get to the action movies it starts asking my opinion of all the ka-ra-te flicks... It then dawns on me that nearly every star in this field has made a movie in which they either end up fighting their long lost evil twin or working along side their long lost nice twin... Jean-Claude Van Damme in Double Impact, Robert Patrick in Double Dragon, Jackie Chan in Twin Dragons, and Jet Li in The One are just a few that come to mind... I'm positive that there are more out there, but I like to prove my point with 4 solid examples... Plus I didn't feel like sifting through old Chuck Norris and Steven Segal titles just to drive the point home...

Why is it that these Parent Trap type movies always seem to be staples in the careers of predominant martial art actors? Is it because they feel that their skills are so superior to others that they are eventually only worthy to fight themselves? Is it because the budget for some of these films are so low that the budget only allows them to enough to pay themselves, twice... Maybe Eddie Murphy is their favorite actor and they want to emulate his skills by playing multiple roles. I really don't know what it is that makes them feel the need to play doubles, but whatever it is it gave me inspiration for today's blog, so I am eternally grateful...

Other than being grateful I am also very inspired... Although I do not know martial arts I have been inspired to one day play my own twin in a film... I've always wondered what it would be like to have someone else walking around who looked exactly like myself (Besides a blessing to the ladies of the world), and as far as I can tell this will be the only way that I can manage... So look for me in the future in Ryan vs. Brian, (easy name choice since that is what lots of people like to call me when they first meet me anyways.)...

Thanks again to all who voted, this next week is going to be a post in the Dr. Seuss style, so that should be quite fun and interesting... Any (good) suggestions as to what I should write it about???

Day 159--- "Can I Get A Refill???"

Well, due to very shotty Internet connection over the past few days I have not been able to throw up a new post... I can only imagine the turmoil that you guys must have been going through without a bit of me to get you through the day... In other news, voting ends tomorrow for round four of the blogger idol... This week is the closest I have come to being eliminated, but I have faith that you guys will put me over that hump... Or else... Today I have decided to write about another one of the people that annoyed me during my restaurant days, those who ask for a refill when their glass is still more than half full...

Now, this may not seem like a big deal to you, and if I had never worked at a restaurant this probably would not bother me either. But after years of working for needy people these ones are damn near the top of most needy... Just for the record, I did not work at a fancy joint, when you are paying $200 a plate I can understand expecting to have a full glass, but I worked at a fast paced chain restaurant a step above fast food (price-wise). We are serving kids pizzas and french fries, with our wine in a shot glass, just because this may be the most expensive meal of your life that doesn't mean you're at the Four Seasons. I plan to give the best service possible, but for the $10 tip on a $100 tab don't be expecting to get your crumbs picked up with one of those little scooper things... Now you may think I have lost the point but this is where I circle it right back around to people who ask for refills when it is not necessary...

They are the type of people that when you pass through the restaurant with a full tray and they see you they will flag you over in the middle of what you are doing and tell you they need more water... OK I understand that you are parched, but your glass is still more than half full... This just seems over cautionary to me, you are assuming that I wont be back near the table in the 20 more minutes that it takes you to finish the last 3/4 Th's of that drink... I know this all may seem crazy, because maybe you have only been on one side of this, but it is really one of the things us waiters talk most about behind your backs... In a business where we are constantly busy it just seems like such a waste of time to be filling up glasses that are already considered full... Unless of course you are one of those people who subscribes to the glass half empty way of life... Then I could understand that a glass that I consider to be three-fourths full you would clearly see as three-fourths empty...

These are the type of people who will be looking for any reason to give you less of a tip... They are the ones that at the end of the meal when talk of gratuity comes up they will be the one in the party that will say " Oh, he really wasn't that good, I had to ask for more water like three times when I had taken one sip out". They are the ones who are too cheap to pay for anything other than water half of the time, but wanna be treated like they are drinking the Don Perignon. They are the epitome of asshole Americans, people who want more before they finish what they have... Hey, it may be a stereotype that the rest of the world has tagged us with, but we all know stereotypes exist with 90% truth... I know I am taking this all way deeper than anyone would have thought possible with such a small group of people. But I swear this is the mentality that bugs me most about human beings... Trust me sir, you are not going to go without a beverage at any point during this meal; we don't need to waste my energy filling your water up after every sip you take. This is like ordering your dessert while you are still eating your starters, at least this is the way it seems to everyone else who has an ounce of patience. This is why I think all people on earth should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, I think we would all be a whole lot nicer to everyone... Or I guess if you become too jaded it could do the exact opposite...

Whatever the case may be if you are ever around anybody who insists on being this person at a table it would be nice of you to remind them that it is not smart to piss off the people who are handling your food. This is a word to the wise... If you are already one of these people there are douche bag help hot lines out there, I suggest that you give them a call and get help as soon as you can... If you catch it soon enough it should be treatable... Or just consider this post a wake-up call... Maybe you now realize that the world does not actually revolve around you...

Day 158--- Who Does #2 Work For???

VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE

Hello everyone and welcome to week 4 of Knuckleheads Blogger Idol Contest... This week we are down to four competitors so all votes I can get are of the utmost importance. Of course I encourage you all to have a glance at the other posts, but only a glance... This week our challenge was to write a post filled with "observational humor", be sure to let me know how I do... (I believe voting starts at 11am on Sunday)

What do loo, bathroom, toilet, powder room, restroom, outhouse, water closet, WC, head, ladies, gents, lavatory, crapper, shitter, latrine, dunny, netty, khazi, John, and the lavvie all have in common? Besides being the number one place for politicians to pick up sex at airports it is also the place that we as humans spend one-fifth of our lives. (1/5 was a complete guess, but a community college educated one). Spending countless hours on the potty myself I have devised a list of things that annoy me the most that have to do with the throne room. In order to lure in the voters with the shortest attention span I am going to write these out in bullet point fashion, but I assure you when I get my book deal I can convert to paragraph form...

(In no particular order)

1. One of my first fears/problems when using a bathroom is the anticipation of a cold seat. Not that I sit down every time, but when the opportunity presents itself I am always worried about that initial contact. Luckily if it scares anything out I am already in position.

2. Another annoyance is unknowingly walking into a recently used stall or bathroom and having a less than inviting funk gifted to me by the last person... There is always that awful initial shock wave that hits me when I get through squeezing myself in there. Along with that shock wave there is also the all too familiar ungodly heat that manifests itself, like the person before me had just been building a fire or carrying a space heater. When I run into this problem and had seen another stall open I always try to make it to that one before someone else does. Without fail as soon as you step out of the sauna stall someone else takes your place, no doubt blaming you for the disaster they just encountered... By this point I dont even have to go any more so I run out crying... or maybe thats just me...

3. How about leaning against a wet sink...?? You know when you reach over to pump the soap and you get the nice wet line straight across your outfit... It never fails. No matter how many times I try and remind myself to check before I bend over I always forget until it is too late and wind up leaving the bathroom looking like I pissed myself.

4. Weak toilets. These are the worst on so many levels... This always seems to happen at the worst possible time too. For instance, being at a new crushes house for the first time... Nerves have gotten the best of you so you excuse yourself for a quick trip to the Superbowl... Once you have finished you quickly try and flush the evidence only to find out that their toilet has the water pressure of a eye dropper. It doesnt matter that there was only one nug and 3 squares of toilet paper this shit is not going down! (quite literally)... Panic mode sets in, you even debate fishing it out and tossing it out the window, but you dont want poo-hand the rest of the night... You wait for the water to stop running and you give it another go... *praying*... the water rises as you try and keep yourself from fainting. You have already been in there too long, and there is no way to play off that second flush, she/he knows you are pooping now... meanwhile, THE WATER IS STILL RISING... You notice the plunger in the far corner, its dry and dusty... Does this mean that no one else has ever clogged this thing? No time to waste, only 3 inches til spill over, you grab it and start jamming away... Finally you hear that familiar sucking sound of glory... The toilet has taken the bait, it finally decided your poo was worthy... You twirl the plunger around to air-dry, dont want to leave more evidence than necessary. You give one more post-cautionary flush just to make sure the treasure is gone, you are in luck. Dry the seat off with some TP, close the lid, and head back over to the sink, you are on the home stretch now... WHEN BAM... You lean over to reach the soap and get attacked by the wet sink monster... Now they not only think you were pooping, but that you peed yourself as well... Maybe you should just climb out the window.

5. This briefly touches on an old post of mine, but it is completely necessary... I absolutely can not stand bathroom attendants... I know you handed me a paper towel, but I am fully capable of grabbing that myself, plus it wasnt yours to begin with... There is nowhere on earth that I believe that skill is worth a dollar tip... Frankly you would be hard pressed to find me in a non-cheap enough mood to find that action worth more than a coin with Abraham Lincoln on it. (A penny for those of you outside the U.S.)... The only thing I can see being worth a dollar is if you were to come into the stall and wipe me... Then maybe I would give you a dollar. See you there.

6. "Stage Fart", I call this one... Most people get stage fright, but I get stage fart... This happens when you are forced to do a #2 in either a very quiet public bathroom with lots of other people in it... Or when you are at a friends house whose bathroom just so happens to be right next to the room that they and the rest of your friends/or their family are waiting in... For instance the old 1/2 bathroom right off of the kitchen... There is not many things worse than having to drop the kids off at the pool with your friends entire family silently eating less than an earshot away... Sometimes you can turn the fan on and it will be enough, maybe even the sink as a back up... But there are those times that you sit down and you know you are about to blast off with the airy trumpet farts before anything of substance will make its way out... You sit there waiting for minutes that feel like an eternity for someone to drop a fork or spill their glass so you can just push it all out in one fail sw-poop, but seldom are we that lucky... We all know that everyone poops, it just sucks to have to be the guy playing the colon trombone in the next room while people are trying to enjoy their meal.

7. Technology is great. With that being said, I hate motion censored sinks... My hate is justified because I have spent more time waving my hands around in front of them like a magician doing card tricks than I have actually spent washing my hands. Maybe I just have bad luck, but I can never seem to find the one that works right away. I will walk down the entire counter of sinks before I find one that will turn on... The trail of water my shirt has just dragged through tells me that some other genius has had no problem figuring them out...I understand that these things were made as a convenience to us and to probably help save some water. But I either find the inconvenient ones that wont start or the ones that will not shut off... Needless to say I have become all to familiar with the Hellen Keller sink dance.

8. I may be the only one to ever think/worry about this but it still needs to be mentioned... I can not stand it when I am staying at a friends house and all they have for me to dry off with after a shower is a white towel... I think that this is a fear that stemmed from my childhood when maybe I didnt wash myself as thouroughly as I should/could have and I would end up leaving my signature on the towel... As soon as I would do it I would go bury that towel into the dirty clothes and find a new one, but this is a luxury that is not always possible when you are a guest in someone's home. Now, I have gotten much better at cleaning myself off, especially when using a loofa but the fear is still very real... Think twice before you invite me for a slumber party.

9. This is the ninth, and although I said these were in no particular order this is probably my biggest annoyance from the bunch... I cannot stand it when I get done taking a shower, get half way dried off, and then realize that I have to take a crap... Especially when the only reason I took a shower in the first place was to double check how good my wiping skills are... (JK)... Its like when I used to own a car and it would not have rained for months, then I finally decided to take it in and pay the $20 for a nice wash down... Then right as I pull out of the car wash parking lot it starts pouring... (Although I have learned that it is the best time to overcome constipation). Here I am post shower, faced with a poo-lemma, do I just go and then re-shower, do I just finish drying off, poo, and then start off only so fresh and so-so clean, or do I just hold it completely hoping that its just a false alarm or foreshadowing... Its really one of the toughest decisions that we have to make as mature adults... May the Force be with you.

I think that is enough toilet humor for now. I hape that most of you could relate to at least one or two of these annoyances that plague my daily life... Feel free to leave me a comment explaining your favorite or adding another one, and feel obligated to head over to Knuckleheads domain and vote for 365 Days of People!!!! Please and thank you...