Day 51--- Shredder Look-alike's or Crazy People???

We have all seen this one random guy/girl at the airport walking around with a surgical mask on. Right? Either he is doing the worst impression ever of Michael Jackson or he thinks that idiotic mask will keep him germ and disease free. I cant help but wanting to inject these people with H1N1 like Dexter and sayin, "Ooooh guess that mask didn't help after all did it...". Maybe I'm alone on this one but I imagine that if the holes in it are big enough for air particles to get through and allow you to breathe. They are probably big enough to carry a bit of the Bird Flu in with it, at least I dang well hope so. Why are most of the people I see with these things on Asian? Statistically it could be because there are more of them than anyone else. Or it could be because they are the only ones who have no shame in walking around like they are about to go tag a freeway overpass somewhere. At least they have started to put designs on them to make them a little more accessory and a little less noticeable. NOT.

There are times these things may be necessary here is a short list:

- If you are a doctor or dentist, I don't want to smell your breath when you are that close, so I assume that it is more for my benefit than yours.

- If you are friends with predominately spit-talkers, nothing will make me want to barf faster than someone else's unwanted spit in my mouth.

- Any Broadway show with Johnathan Groff, this joke has zero appeal, but if you know who he is you will get it.

- A strip club, I don't know if there are any STD's that can get airborne, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Also, If your wife comes looking for you it will be harder for her to identify you.

- At Denny's, Again, I don't know if STD's can get airborne, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

- If you are dressing up as Shredder from the Ninja Turtles but cant afford a metal mask.

That's it.

I hope everyone learned something new today. I didn't.

Day 31--- Two Space Takers...

For those of you who don't have to drive and worry about parking on a daily basis, consider yourself lucky. I know for the past 5 years living in NY has spoiled me with the convenience of public transportation and walking everywhere I needed to go. I had started to forget about all the d-bags on the road out there. A little more specifically the tools that think it is necessary to take up two parking spots with their mammoth SUV's. This is really unnecessary, all parking spots were created equal and can easily accommodate all types and sizes of vehicles. I guess these people think that their tank is special and deserves the two spots the take up so nobody can ding their car. When really they should be more worried about the nice new key-made pinstripe down the side of their car. It is hard enough to find a parking spot here in LA without these jerks monopolizing parking spots.

Ive decided that I am going to start carrying mini tire puncturing nail strips to place behind the wheels of these cars. I won't be a dick about it though, I'm going to leave a friendly little note that says, payback is a bitch attached to a business card to the nearest "smart car" dealership.

The same goes for those of you who want to park half-way in a parallel parking spot thus taking up two potential spots with your one car. Once again it is hard enough to find spots here in Hollywood without having all these Escalades, Navigators, Tahoes, BMW's and so on acting like they own the lot. When it comes to driving this is just about the same as cutting someone off or tailing them too close. Which we all know is the leading cause of road rage in the U.S today. I'm sure at one point or another we all suffer from road rage, but I'm here today to admit that I suffer from parking lot rage, it is less frequent but equally as aggressive as road rage. So watch out.

It will be even worse if I see you getting into or out of your car once you have completed an ass hole parking job. Because Lord knows I have a bad case of not keeping my mouth shut when I should (not quite as bad as Kanye West's case, but he is borderline retarded). I will probably say something to you, as long as you are smaller than me and don't look like you could be carrying a gun or a knife. So basically if you don't have blacked out tint and spinners I'll be preparing some words. Its more based on principle at that point, I just want to make sure you know that everyone hates you for what you have dont. It really does not take much to be considerate and pull straight into the spot, and if you cant figure it out you should not be driving period. When in doubt, just say to yourself W.W.K.N.D., what would Kanye not do?

Off topic (and its my blog so I'm allowed):

I just got through watching the VMA's and I had to comment a few quick things, mainly so I can look back someday and reminisce. First of all, the Michael Jackson Tribute was epic. I think Madonna spoke beautifully and really made us remember that as weird as he may have become he still was one of the most talented performers that ever walked/will ever walk this earth (or moon for that matter-get it). It really is hard for most of us to imagine what it would be like to be thrust into stardom at 6 and grow up without a childhood. I had one and I still act like one 90% of the time. His music and his performances were world wide and though he may be gone his legend will live on, he truly was and will always be the King of Pop. Lady Gaga, that is one strange broad, her performance was pretty rad, but her costumes looked like something from "Where the Wild Things Are", we understand you have a ski-slope for a nose but it would become less noticeable if it was not covered 83.7% of the time. She should have written a song called butter-face. If her and Adrien Brody dated they would never be able to kiss for fear of face puncturing wounds. OK I'm over it. Katy Perry and Pink yes please. Megan Fox, overrated, I'm not saying she is ugly but she looks more and more full of herself every time I see her. Eminem is still cool, but he needs to eat. MUSE rocked as always, I'm glad they are finally making their way to the U.S, maybe next year their tour will actually make it to the west coast. Taylor Swift, of all people for Kanye to mess with I think she is the least deserved. She is young, classy, non trashy pop star which is few and far between these days. I don't think anyone cares how good the video was Kanye just needed one more chance to prove himself as the huge douchebag he is. One thing to say about him, is at least he is consistent. The asshole needs to be reminded of what it is like to have a broken jaw again though. I don't think I have ever had less respect for a performer in my life, he makes Marilyn Manson look like Elvis Presley. I hope after that stunt his approval rating is lower than Bush's was a year ago. Eh, asshole. Beyonce, Ive always liked her and thought she was a great performer and so on, but last night she showed that she is also classy. My respect went up for her ten-fold (which I'm not really sure how much that is), but she proved that a diva that big can still remember where she came from. All in all, I was far more I'm pressed with this VMA's then I have been in years, I guess I'll be back next year to watch again.

ps..... I know the picture is small, but its not always easy to find these things.

Day 10--- lol smiley face lol smiley face...

jk-lol-brb-ttyl-ttyn-ttys-rofl-lmfao-stfu!!!!

Are you kidding me? Is this what the English language come to? Shakespeare would be turning over in his grave if he could hear us now. (Letting Leo play Romeo is about the only thing he would be proud of). We have literally driven the language he used as a beautiful art into the ground. I would not be shocked if twenty years from now we reverted back to grunting at each other (I actually don't think we ever did, but for arguments sake...).

2day I'm talking bout ppl who use acronyms way 2 much.

Are we really in that big of a hurry? Is lol really that much shorter or faster than haha. Do I really need to say brb when I go to the bathroom, shaving seconds off of the longer version of that sentence. We are all guilty of it at some point. Especially if you are a text-er or an aim-er. That's where we catch the bug. We just don't have the time anymore to say foolish things like goodbye talk to you later. No way, that would take too damn long. TTYL is perfect. Sometimes we don't even want to use letters. I have carried on an entire text conversation with nothing but smiley faces and understood exactly what was being said. I mean really? Helen Keller communicated better than we do (granted she was a crafty one). Michael Jackson had more people skills than we do (too soon?). I'm sad for our future.

Popular example from pop culture:

There is a new song out by Trey Songz called (and i kid you not) "LOL- smiley face". Not to accuse rappers of having the best language skills on earth but I think if Tupac were around he would have them shot for that sort of rubbish. I'm not too shocked though, the dudes mom didn't even spell his name right. As if the recent song "phone sex" was not retarded enough Trey had to come show it up with his little gem. Sad thing is(and i didn't look) I would bet money they are 2 of the top downloads on itunes. Are we really so lazy and technologically advanced that a song about phone sex and a song where the chorus is not words is considered acceptable. I know the beat is sick, but still people lets have some standards. This song is so bad not even Weird Al can come up with anything shittier (sorry mom- necessary) . And I pick on them, but lord knows its not easy to pay for phonics when you are trying to turn all of your teeth gold, that's not cheap. Ive looked into it.

Abbreviations. Acronyms. Grunts. You make fun of it now, but its the path we are on. By the time my kids go to high school, we are not going to be worrying about what foreign language to take to get into a good college. We are going to be sending them to grunt and shorthand lessons, because there are not enough hours in the day to say full sentences like they did in the old days. Its totally like in "1984" OMG!

Idk if there is anything else to say. :) lol.

Here are a few of my favorites:

~OMG-Oh my Gosh if ur christian. Oh my gah if your'e a blonde, and oh my God for everyone else.

~ LOL- laugh out loud.

~ BRB- Be right back.

~ ROFL- rolling on the floor laughing.

~ TTYL- talk to you later.

~STFU- ( i like to think i made this one up) Shut the F Up.

OK. I'm annoyed with them already. comment me some of your favorites :)

Day 4--- Elvis Impersonators........Imposters.

Do they really still exist? The Answer is unfortunately, Yes...Is this really the most lucrative career that these guys could shoot for? I guess when you're 55, fat, with jet-black hair, and an Elvis costume that fit 22 years ago. Clearly this is the next step in your mid-life crisis. What shocks me most, is that, if the rich, talented, once attractive "Elvis Presley" killed himself, what makes these people think its gonna be "Graceland" (lame-but necessary reference) for them...

What it is that makes them decide one day that they are sick of being an individual. (actual thought process)---->"...................Elvis" (someone who was not thinking) . Me personally I would pick someone who got a few more ladies/street cred., like Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Spencer Pratt, or Sean Astin (OK, all inside jokes) ... Think about these guys with me for a second, it really is quite a fascinating concept. I do realize that some of these people do it for fun/hobby. This blog is not directed at them. This is for the crazies who would never read this blog, because they really think they are Elvis living in the early 1970's. These are the guys who live to perform "Jailhouse Rock" on street corners from NY to LA,(higher concentration in Memphis and Vegas of course). These are the type of people that you would never let baby-sit your kids. The same guys who are trespassed from Wal-Mart because they've been caught one to many times trying on the ladies nighties and walking around the housewares section. (totally off topic, I'm just trying to prove how crazy they are). We have even had the honor of seeing a few of these kooks on the American-Idol auditions in recent years (this is clearly the originality that Simon and Randy are looking for) (i don't count Paula, no I'm not sexist, she's just an idiot).

Maybe I'm completely alone in my disapproval of Elvis impersonators, maybe I'm the asshole who just crushed your dreams, but its my blog. I see it this way; I have not given a crap about mall Santa since I realized he was not the real deal. I feel like impostor Elvis is the same thing without the presents, elves, and candy canes. On a lighter note though. I do realize the mall Santa's are necessary, I mean it would be ridiculous to think that "The actual Santa" could come down to all the malls in December when he is like at his busiest inspecting toys in the north pole. It all made a lot more sense when i realized that... But, fake Elvis= no redeeming qualities= still retarded.

I'm here today to ask when does this stop? We must put an end to this so we can make room for all the creepy Michael Jackson impersonators that you know are gonna flood are streets, schools, and day cares over the next 32 years. (<-how long its been since Elvis died) (I do my research)...If you would, please just sign my petition asking for it to be an illegal act for any man over 25 (give myself a year) to wear a white onesie, with a collar, that he has bedazzled himself. Its just not right.

I didn't know Elvis personally, but I did see enough of his crappy movies to know that he was a self respecting man. And I'm pretty sure he would be appalled at how out of hand these people have gotten, so, if you didn't do it for me...... Do it for "the King".

Thanks for reading, have a good night. see you tomorrow.

PS. yesterday i learned how to put pictures. today i learned how to tab. i cant wait to see what tomorrow has in store :)