That's right, you are not mistaken, I am back for the second time in one week. I hope you are as impressed as I am. I hope that everyone had a pleasant Valentines day yesterday, I know that my roommate did... He and the cat both looked very happy when I got home from my date, I didn't ask any questions. I hope that you checked out the video at the bottom of the Packer post because it is really my only excuse to why I had taken off 8 months from writing these things. But now that the stand up is a little more underway I figure I can manage both, I mean I do only work about 23 hours a week. Hard knock life.
So lets get to todays victim. The Tattle Tale. I know what you are thinking, " hey Ryan, I haven't heard those words since I was in Middle School, are they even still around?"... Hell yes they are, they have just become a little better at their craft. When they were young, before they learned how to monitor their "tattle filter" their instinct was to just run up to whoever was in charge (parent or a teacher) and just blurt out what wrong was being committed... "Mom! mom! Ryan is taking a shit on the kitchen floor, Ryan ate all my Playdoh, Ryan is trying to light a firecracker in the dogs butt." (Only one of those was made up, I'll let your imagination run wild). Those kids that immediately ran and told rather than just letting us clowns do our thing were named tattle tales. Those who went above and beyond in order to get others in trouble. Flash forward 20 years, if these people were to still so outwardly tattling their would be a lot more blows thrown on a daily basis, so they have had to become more passive and more sneaky... Had they learned this 20 years earlier those prior "tattles" would have sounded more like this, " Gee, its so funny when Ryan goes poo in the kitchen, you should go check it out, I cant wait to get new Playdoh, silly Ryan ate all mine again," and lastly, "ha, I didn't know that a firecracker would stick in the dogs butt, and still be able to light, Ryan proves me wrong again". You see, with just slightly different wording they sound less like douche-bags and more like they are just sharing information, yet the purpose, the tattle, is still there in disguise...
Flash back forward 20 years, I don't know where that lands us, but imagine its 2011. You were supposed to finish some paperwork on Friday but your boss leaves early. You figure, ima head out early pre-finishing paperwork but beat my boss in on Monday and get the shit done then. Weekend starts early and no one gets hurt. But the jealous douche next to you (with the same job), who is a pansy with no life and who wants to finish all their work before they leave sees that you have taken off early without finishing... What do they do? They put in a nice little courtesy call to the boss at the end of the day just to inform them how the rest of the day went... For some reason during this call they decide that they need to say "oh, and before I head out tonight I'll go ahead and do those "papers" for Ryan, I saw he had left some things un-finished before he dipped out today, no big deal I just want to make sure everything is done before the weekend"... And there you have it ladies and gentleman and ladymen and gentle ladies "The Adult Tattle Tale"... Sounding more familiar. Listen I work at a restaurant and we have them, people love telling on me for not doing all of my sidework, silverware rolling especially... Instead of saying, "Ryan didn't roll enough silverware" they say, "Hmm, Ryan sure got done fast, usually takes everyone else much longer". Yeah, thats just because you guys are retarded. That's OK, it happens.
There are a few other names for people who "tattle" as adults. Such as, snitches, witnesses, or informants. You know what happens to most of these people? That's right, they get killed, dead, just sayin. Tattling is some serious business, so if you are or have a kid who has been known to tell on others, you may want to think about the consequences. Done.