Day 51--- Shredder Look-alike's or Crazy People???

We have all seen this one random guy/girl at the airport walking around with a surgical mask on. Right? Either he is doing the worst impression ever of Michael Jackson or he thinks that idiotic mask will keep him germ and disease free. I cant help but wanting to inject these people with H1N1 like Dexter and sayin, "Ooooh guess that mask didn't help after all did it...". Maybe I'm alone on this one but I imagine that if the holes in it are big enough for air particles to get through and allow you to breathe. They are probably big enough to carry a bit of the Bird Flu in with it, at least I dang well hope so. Why are most of the people I see with these things on Asian? Statistically it could be because there are more of them than anyone else. Or it could be because they are the only ones who have no shame in walking around like they are about to go tag a freeway overpass somewhere. At least they have started to put designs on them to make them a little more accessory and a little less noticeable. NOT.

There are times these things may be necessary here is a short list:

- If you are a doctor or dentist, I don't want to smell your breath when you are that close, so I assume that it is more for my benefit than yours.

- If you are friends with predominately spit-talkers, nothing will make me want to barf faster than someone else's unwanted spit in my mouth.

- Any Broadway show with Johnathan Groff, this joke has zero appeal, but if you know who he is you will get it.

- A strip club, I don't know if there are any STD's that can get airborne, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Also, If your wife comes looking for you it will be harder for her to identify you.

- At Denny's, Again, I don't know if STD's can get airborne, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

- If you are dressing up as Shredder from the Ninja Turtles but cant afford a metal mask.

That's it.

I hope everyone learned something new today. I didn't.

Day 50--- CATastrophe...

So I made it. Day 50... pretty exciting huh, to all those bitches who didn't think I could do it. There you go! OK, lets be honest no one really gave a s#&t when I started this, so I really didnt have much opposition. I just thought it would be fun to make it sound like I got here barefoot, in the snow, up-hill style.

So for those of you who have come out and laughed with me up to this point, this is only the start. I still have more than 300 of these things left to write. Holy shit. I should not have reminded myself of that.... wow. Old friends who decided to follow and support, thank you, you always knew I was hilarious, now you can see it day to day ha ha... New friends from across the web, thank you so much for your continued support as well. OK, I've gone on too long I'm not the first person to have written in a Blog for 50 days, calm down Ryan.

Here is a little list of things that have happened in the last 50 days:

-I sold out... Ya, i got adsense, but I don't have a job so I had to find a way to eat. Keep on clickin those EZLUBE ads. ha ha.

-I've been yelled at by my mom, via text about the blog more than once. She still loves me. I think.

-Hopefully offended at least one person, what's the point of being honest if no one takes offense?

- Used celebrity references from Kid Rock to Hellen Keller, and still have not been sued.

- Moved from NY to LA

- Fallen for a girl :), sorry dudes. Ah, I'm ridiculous. 13 1/2 days!!!

- Gotten to 100 followers! I love you all! I'd love to have all your children, but I'm not Lil Wayne. Sorry... PS. keep telling your friends about me!

- Learned more about blogs than i ever wanted to know, but still feel like I don't know sh*&.

- Watched Kanye West once again prove that he is the biggest Douche in the entertainment business.

OK, Day fifty... who do I want to write about today, I wanted to make it big and special since it's a little bit of a benchmark but I'm gonna keep it simple since you probably already read through all that other crap.

In my blogging research I have found an over abundance of bloggers who blog about nothing but their cats. When I say over abundance I'm saying one would have been abundant, 2 is over abundant. Get it? Bloggers are big enough dorks ;) without the world thinking all we write about is our pets. I mean, cats are cute yay. One or two pictures is nice, but I have seen at least 5 to 20 blogs that are like a damn Facebook for these peoples cats. I am officially allergic to this nonsense.

I've seen one where this person takes like five pictures a day and names each pose the cat is doing. I don't know if I am more embarrassed for the person or for the cat. Now, I feel bad, I'm not gonna judge on blog content, because I'm new to this, and my shit still stinks. You can rip my grammar, my humor, and my ideas, but I feel like I at least win in the originality and content department. No, it's not a contest, yes, I'm being rude. I'm sorry in advance, I may have less than 100 followers at the end of the day. But at least I was honest, I needed to just get it off my chest, and today is my day!!! Because I said so!... If I see one more cat blog pop up in my searching I am going to call the local Chinese restaurant and then you can rename your blog "The Day My Cat Got Eaten with Fried Rice", that I'd read. Done.

On another note. i am going to figure out a way to give props to the blogs I do like I know there must be a widget or an application out there that I can add. Hopefully I find one that suits me. So don't be surprised if your blog pops up on my page. Unless its sh@#ty, then you should be surprised.

I'm gonna let you get back to your lives in a minute... BUT

Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all time y'all!

Day 49--- Copy Cat's...

People who look like their pets. I'm excited when I see them at first, sorta like when you catch someone who still sports a mullet or a rat tail. But then my excitement turns almost instantly into anger and annoyance because I don't know how it happens.

This has got to be one of the great mysteries of the universe, I'd like to be flipping through the channels someday and have it all presented to me by the Discovery Channel, or Animal Planet come to think of it, unfortunately I don't think that will happen.

Do people go out in search of this look-a-like connection or does it just happen by chance?

Sometimes its not just the looks that are alike either, I've even encountered people who's animals had the same personality as them. This can be both a good thing or a bad thing I imagine. The weird thing about this is I have actually seen people-pet combos out for a walk that looked more like a date. No, I don't typically pick up after my date if she craps on the sidewalk but you get what I'm saying. (Besides that only happened once and there were no signs posted that said to pick up after yourselves).

For real though how does this happen? Old peoples pets always look old, even if they are puppies they just look run-down and bored and grey like they'd rather be watching I love Lucy. I've met dogs with gay masters that walk with a sway, bark with a lisp, fight to be the top, and watch Glee religiously. Little anorexic girls look like they feed their dogs air biscuits, and then choke them. Big manly dudes look like they shoot up their pitbull with steroids, make them lift weights, and teach them to hump anything that moves. Asian people love little straight haired dogs and Jews love black haired poodles, the comparisons are obviously endless...

Now a days especially that people are dressing up their pets, I've seen more than one dog with nicer shoes than me. I really don't think he needs the new Jordan's, Buster would be fine with shoes from doggy Payless. I could be wrong though, maybe when he gets to the dog park all the other dogs will be "doggin" on him if he has last years shoes. (get it?)... I personally want give anyone who knows me permission to smack the s%*t out of me if you ever see me dressing my dog up in clothes, ever. I can not think of anything that would make me feel like less of a man.

I realize I didn't mention cats once, which kind of makes the title misleading, it just seemed very clever at the time, they just aren't as funny. Plus I have bitched for far too long (ha ha another dog reference). Well, there you go, there was the plug for the felines.

Day 48--- Self Proclaimed Movie Critic... Two Thumbs down

Everybody needs friends, unless of course you are this guy, because chances are you are too good for the rest of us. I'm of course referring to the nit-picking movie goer, the one who has to find something wrong with every movie he or she watches. Apparently RottenTomatoes.com, Ebert, and George Lucas got together and made you an honorary movie know it all. Are you familiar with this douche? After living in NYC for five years I certainly am. They make their judgments about everything from the casting, to the lighting, and back down to the acting, like they were deciding who gets the academy award. Really you didn't think Heath Ledger played a believable Joker, first of all suck it, second of all, what would you have done differently??? Third, you realize this character is from a comic book, pretty sure that opens the door for some creative leeway. Of course if the movie was adapted from a book, it is doomed from the start, I'm sorry but I imagine a 700 page Harry Potter book was probably not the easiest thing to condense into a 2 to 3 hour movie. Plus, if the book is always soooo much better why do you have to ruin the movie for those of us who don't know how to read? I don't even know why these people waste 12 bucks to see the film if they are gonna bitch about it for 7 weeks afterwards. If you know so much why are you not making hit movies? Oh, that's right because you're an idiot. I imagine if I would have taken one of these guys to see Basic Instinct they would have complained that Stone had a five o'clock shadow in the middle... of the movie, always half empty with them...

Maybe I'm easy to please, I'm a guy, I like to laugh, see something blow up, and maybe an occasional boob or two (hopefully if I get one I get the other as well). Which was why until I was 15 the Lethal Weapon movies were the greatest things ever put on VHS. I wasn't walking away complaining about Mel Gibson's mullet, or the fact that someone thought Chris Rock was funny enough for a feature film, I was just happy that I was watching a rated R movie. I would have watched something with Ben Affleck, Cher, and Dane Cook in it if I thought there was a chance at sex scene. True, I'd fast forward most of the way, but still...

These are the same people who try and jump on the Indy bandwagon, they search the Internet for movies that have a budget less than a million and say it's their new favorite movie... Which they can say because they know none of us have seen it to quiz them on it. I'd like to throw two of these Indy-bots in a room and see if they have anything to talk about. Guaranteed they end up on Eternal Sunshine, Little Miss Sunshine, Punch Drunk Love, or Adaptation, sorry guys, we all saw these movies too, go a little more unknown next time.

You all officially have my permission from here on out to dump your popcorn or soda on them next time you are unfortunate enough to end up sitting next to one. Just make sure you get the refill-able size, trust me it will be worth it after all their hmph'n and haw'n... I'll give that one two thumbs WAY up!

Day 47--- Saturday Night Dead...

Today is for those of us who survived all of the crappy casts of SNL. Granted it was never as un-funny as MADtv, but in the days between Ferrel and Samberg I found more comedy in the commercials. The crusty impressions of Bush were almost as annoying as The Frank Caliendo Show. Almost. Seven years into a shi**y presidency even my little sister could have managed to write their Bush bashing skits. Needless to say I was not impressed. You knew they were really getting desperate when they let Keenan or Kel or whoever he is start acting in the skits. He was the less funny of 2 characters on a 90's Nickelodeon show, you really think he is gonna pop off on SNL. I don't think so. That's like expecting the younger Spears baby-maker to have the same career as her sister, not in this lifetime sister. (pun intended)... I have gone to 1st level improv classes that made me laugh harder than most of this crap they were allowing to air.

But.

My intention today was only to have a brief bash of the cast, but mainly to thank the few who make the show still worth watching, because Lord knows Lorne Michaels is lining his pockets with their contracts. Don't worry the list is extremely short. First, The Lonely Island Group, most specifically Andy Samberg, he is holdin it down for us funny people all over the world. Now I know you don't have to be sexy to be famous, but being funny makes you sexy! Awesome! (shallow girls wont get this)... I have not done much research but I would venture to say that about 90% of the videos that have been sent around the web were either starring or written by this group (Lonely Island), consisting of once again Andy, Jorma Taccone, and Akiva Schaffer. They also wrote and starred in "Hot Rod", I highly recommend that movie! A brief thanks to Tina Fey, or governor Palin, not sure who to thank on that one, definitely helped those ratings. Last, but certainly not least, the only person who could bring SexyBack, apparently had funnyback's number as well..... Justin Timberlake, the man is not only a musical genius but he is funny enough to be on the cast of SNL, without a doubt. I guess it was all those years on the Mickey Mouse Club... One way or another, thank you Mr. Timberlake for giving me a reason to tune in, or at least something to HULU.

Here is a video that almost made me pee my pants. Luckily I was naked the first time I watched so it just went straight on the floor. :)

Thanks for the video ally :)

Day 46--- Mean Girls: Beware...

Today I decided to turn the tables and pick on someone who's been looking down on everyone since the beginning of time. The popular girls. However, I'm going to narrow the search a bit further to the ones who became uglified since we've seen them last. My annual trip back to Scottsdale is always a nice time to run into these swamp things in person, but thankfully due to the world wide web I can see them from the comfort of my Facebook profile.

I'm still amazed that dating the high school quarterback didn't give you the fairy tale life you had expected. (PS. we are 25 now, time to take the tassel off the rear-view mirror). I know you were the prom queen and all but that plastic crown really loses its shine once you get knocked up your freshman year of college, either with a child or by a branch off the ugly tree. I have heard of the freshman 15, clearly you were trying to raise that average to 50. You've gone from resembling Charlize Theron to looking like her character in "Monster". Unfortunately you weren't being paid. I have heard Karma is a bitch, apparently she visited you in the form of ugly.

It must really suck that you thought you would skate by on looks, and now you are not even cute enough to be one of the hosts at "Outback Steakhouse". (Side-note: why was every single hostess there hot as hell when I was growing up? I cant look good when I'm wrist deep in ranch dressing with a grip on some cheese fries)... Everyone knew that all the popular football players would turn out to be the losers who hung out around the high school campus for the next 20 years trying to pick up chicks, but we really had hopes for you. I mean you were so untouchable, we swore you would gold-dig some wealthy man out of millions (especially where we grew up). But time has gone and screwed up the one thing you had going for you, your looks. It must be hard.

So let this be a warning to the slut-squad of popular girls out there. I've seen it happen. Learn people skills while you have the chance because they are a bit harder to pick up while working at Denny's. I guess life is not fair, no hard feelings, I'm just trying to give you a fair warning. I'll see you next time I'm in town and craving a Grand Slam.

Day 45--- Only One-Piece for You Ma'am...

Anyone who is lactose intolerant should not ingest this blog, because there is an unfortunate amount of cottage cheese from here on out. Earlier today I was enjoying a lovely day at the beach when I was forced to witness what would be the outcome of mixing "The Biggest Loser" and the opening scene from "Baywatch". It hurt more than the SPF 50 I had gotten in my eyes just minutes earlier.

There trotting down the beach before me was a woman in a bikini who could make fat Oprah look like Tyra Banks. This woman looked like she could have beaten John Candy in a hot dog eating contest. She was no doubt creating more waves than the ocean, you did not want to get caught in her rip-tide. (Get the Picture????). I will admit I was happy to see her working out, but this is the precise reason they sell treadmills you can use at home, so the rest of us don't have to have a tainted beach experience.

It always fascinates me to see large girls who are so confident, (not that they should not be) it's just odd that we have a world where girls who look like they need a sandwich don't shut up about how fat they are. Then we have girls who look like they ate the other girls running around with the confidence of swimsuit models. (Its probably all due to asshole guys, glad I'm a gentleman). I'm going to try and stay away from the fat jokes for the rest of the blog, for one I don't want to keep imagining her, and two because in this instance they are more fat truths than jokes.

Maybe she used to be 300 lbs. and now that she's down to 220 she thinks she is an American Gladiator and wants to show off her hot body. The problem is that we don't have the opportunity to see the before picture, so to us she is still just fat. Honestly, I wouldn't even be making fun of her if she would have been decent and wore a one piece and some shorts to cover the dairy farm. But, I figure when someone that large is flaunting what they've got they are submitting themselves to be judged. It's only fair, if I have to stop wearing my thong Speedo, then these girls had better have to edit their wardrobes as well.

Day 44--- FreeCreditReport.crap

I have finally found the one person who can pass Carrot Top as the most annoying person on the face of the earth. If you guessed Paula Abdul you were warm, but I am actually referring to the ass hat from the Free Credit Report Commercials.

Every time I see this curly headed ear rapist I want to throw a rock through my plasma. The remote can not be close enough to my hand when I hear this guy start singing. I believe he is the sole reason they invented DVR with the capability to fast forward through commercials.

I would rather pay for everyone's credit reports than have to listen to him ruin my mid show breaks.

I heard rumors that Rob Zombie was actually going to use this guy as the villain in his next movie, which makes sense because he often haunts my nightmares. Nails and silverware scraping on a chalkboard is actually a soothing sound after one of these horrific advertisements.

I'm sure that he is not the writer, and I know he is laughing all the way to the bank, but something needs to be done about him. When I have kids I am not going to ground them, I am just going to lock them in a room with this dudes commercials on loop, come to think of it we should just start doing that to terrorists. Enough with cutting off fingers and ears, 5 minutes of this crap and I'll tell you anything you need to know.

Day 43--- Bag the Bagger...

Is it just my negative outlook on the world, or is the bagger position at a grocery completely unnecessary? It's not only pointless but it is further proof that we are the laziest nation ever. (I have done a bit of traveling and never seen this position across seas, just sayin.) "Hey, I'm beat from deciding between Oreos and Chips Ahoy could you please put my groceries in my bags for me, oh also could follow me out to my car and put them in there for me? One last thing, if you aren't too busy maybe you could swing by later and help me unload it and organize my fridge, cook me dinner, feed me, brush my teeth, wipe me, and put me to bed... A few other things I cant seem to do on my own". What's next, ordering groceries online?...... shoot, too late.

It's not that I want anyone to be out of a job I just don't think we need assistance in becoming more lazy than we already are. It's like applauding your fat child who has diabetes for winning a pie eating contest. I have to say self check out is definitely more up my alley, although anyone who has been through one with me could tell you I need some more experience.

Maybe I just don't like the position due to less than desirable experiences with their packing skills. I would sooner trust Keifer Sutherland to drive my (future) kids carpool than I would to leave these guys unattended with my goodies. Cans with eggs, fresh ground beef with fruit, bread with frozen items, sometimes I think they actually go out of their way to ruin my food. I realize they are not equipped with PH D's or possibly even GED's for that matter, unfortunately for us common sense is not required either. I would bet that when these people were kids they were the ones who had trouble fitting the shapes into their corresponding holes. More and more often I find myself reaching over and bagging the stuff anyways. Maybe I'm just bitter for the 3 years I worked as a successful bagger-less cashier at Wal-Mart, so I know that it can be done. At least from I'm blogging/bitching from experience this time :-).

Day 42--- The Winona Ryder Roomie...

If you have ever live in a house with roommates and a shared fridge I'm almost positive you have had to deal with this little rat. Whether they do it knowingly or in a drunken stupor its one of the most annoying things ever. Many a time I have come home from work thinking about tearing into my left over pizza, only to find the empty box in the trash. Its awful to wake up in the morning with sights set on a nice bowl of Fruity Pebbles only to find out someone decided their Oreo's needed your milk more than you did.

I kid you not when I first moved to Hawaii I actually witnessed a roommate drink my orange juice out of the carton through a crack in my door, and then deny that he touched it. This is extremely annoying especially now that orange juice is apparently made from pressed 24 karat gold. I'm not a selfish person, I'll probably share but just because you know I may allow it if you ask is in no way a substitute for actually asking. Especially when it comes to alcohol, sometimes all I want at the end of the day is that $3 bottle of Trader Joe's wine, yes the whole bottle, not the one glass of stale wine you left me. Getting me back next time is not an option unless you are going to be uncorking a new bottle by the time I sit down on the couch. I've even had someone try and compensate by putting water into my vodka bottle, while they are the same color this is not the brightest escape route when I'm keeping it in the freezer. This meat head clearly didn't realize that water freezes, but my balls have more brain cells than this guy so I was not terribly shocked.

Those of us who care about our food take many measures to protect our grub, initialing is a classic way to thwart these sticky fingers in a crowded home. However, if that does not work and you have made at least one verbal attempt to stop them, I am a supporter in taking more drastic measures. Tampering with our own food is not something we want to do, its a last resort, but once the cost of food loss outweighs the price of Ex-lax and eye drops it is well worth it. You could also dip or mix in something nasty or rotten, but sometimes causing them witness-able physical pain is necessary, especially by way of bowel movements. Side note: This is also fun if you work with a food bandit, that way everyone knows who is Oceans 11-ing their lunch-box. It is embarrassing as adults that management has to put up signs that say, "please do not touch food that does not belong to you" I have seen it. Do you think these are the people who used to be bully's and steal peoples lunch at school? They've just out grown the beating up part. This is exceptionally disgusting considering most of the places I've worked looks like they let Fear Factor use the fridge for their food. What do my co-workers eat??? OK, that was a long side note. In the meantime I did some research on roommate etiquette and I'm happy to tell you that it is less rude to make your roommates crap their pants then it was for them to eat your food, so we win!

I do have to end on a happy note though, after quite the array of roommates over the past year I am finally living with a house full of people who respect my foods privacy. None of them read my blog, but if they ever do, cheers.

PS. Ally, thanks for today's inspiration, I'll cook for you when you come visit :-) ...

Day 41--- Dear Mr. and Mrs. Carrot...

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but are not fooling anyone with your carrot colored fake tan. Whether it's from a tanning bed, a spray can, or a nice brown lotion rub down, we can see right through you. Or we could if you were not glowing like a pumpkin on Halloween. I know fall is just around the corner, and you may want to start matching colors, but its typically housewares and clothes, not skin color.

I find nothing attractive about a girl or guy who looks like they came from the nuclear testing at area 51. I have seen burn victims with less frightening skin. These days there is certainly no shame in being the palest one in the room, ask Marilyn Manson, its definitely not his skin that creeps everyone out. Look at Katy Perry, I have seen polar bears with more of a tan, yet she still looks angelic. I know Michael Jackson made headlines punk-ing the world with his skin color year after year, but until you can dance like him I doubt you will have the same effect. If you are trying to match your personality and skin tone, then by all means continue to get fake tans. However, if you are a self respecting adult who is not fond of people staring and pointing you may want to meet my friend the sun. Now, I am sure you've heard that the UV rays can cause skin cancer, but what's a little bit of Melanoma when you are walking around with a natural golden tan.

Day 40--- I Want to Kick You in the Blue-Tooth...

This is a warning to all blue-tooth owners, if I see you out on the street, in a club, at a restaurant, or at church I vow right now to wait for the perfect opportunity to trip you. It will be obvious, but as long as you end up on the ground I will consider it a huge success.

I understand the necessity of being hands free while in the car or maybe walking with full hands, but it is completely idiotic for you to keep that thing strapped to your ear at all times. It is not a hearing aid, or an earring, and judging by the rest of your aura, you are not going to miss any calls if you put it away. Besides, all the really cool people text these days anyways and you don't need a blue-tooth to twitter.

Ive seen people with these things on in places you cant even receive phone calls. Blue-tooth airplane guy, really? Although the government would have us believe that flight 93 was calling home without problems, I'm pretty sure you are not corresponding with anyone on the ground, I've tried. The same goes for these douchey 6 Train (subway) business men, hey Mr. popular, at least give your ear a breather while you're below ground. If you do happen to miss a call we still have this amazing technology called voicemail, fascinating, I know.

I think half of these guys just keep it on their ear because they think it looks cool and not out of convenience or necessity. I would like to be the first to tell you that no one cares about this technology anymore, at least not style wise. You are like the guy who still wears Oakley's in a room full of Ray-Bans, You're like a Mazda Miata in a parking lot full of Porche 911's. The cool point ship for blue-tooth's set sail about 2 years ago and you were no where to be found. I know it may have taken you 2 years to find a compatible phone, but we've moved on.

I secretly (well, not secretly anymore) hope they find out that these blue-teeth things cause some sort of disease, severity wise somewhere between the the herpes and cancer, I'd settle for a bad case of cauliflower though. The best is when I see these tools with the speaker in their ear and the phone in their hand... I guess your hands really were too busy to hold that up to your ear huh...? Kind of defeats the purpose, it's like those people who have the phone on speakerphone and still hold it up by their head. That's like wiping before you poop, it don't make any sense (stolen from Larry the Cable Guy-but perfectly relevant), (and I felt like having a poop reference in this blog).

Final Warning: If I catch you out in public gallivanting around with empty hands and a bluetooth in your ear with no one on the other line I will trip you. If I am with someone I will even be the one to get on all fours and let them shove you over me, just to be sure you cant save yourself... You've been warned.

Day 39--- Don't You Dare Shake My Hand!

This blog is for all you nasties out there that do not wash your hands after going to the potty. You know exactly who you are too sick freaks are too. You sir, who came into the bathroom today at the Milwaukee airport. You were on the phone, deep in conversation, you peed for a good 24 seconds, 5 more for the after party, you then replaced your goods, and walked directly out without a thought of visiting the sink. You were not aware that I was in that stall next to you listening, (my phone had no service so I had nothing better to do). It breaks my heart to think that one out of every two Americans bypass the sink every time they do their business, (that is pretty dang close to half). Something needs to be done about this sickness, and I think I have hatched the answer.

I have created a new health care plan for the U.S. that is bound to solve all of our health problems. I suggest that we get one of the bathroom attendants from Hard Rock Cafe and stick them in every public bathroom across the country. Under my reformed health care plan their job is going to be a bit more than dabbing soap on your hand and ripping off paper towels. They are going to make sure that every person who walks out of the bathroom has washed their hands for at least 30 seconds, with warm water and soap. Bam! No more hand-borne diseases! I know what you may be thinking, there is no way they/we can possibly enforce this. Wrong, we make them all government employees which means they are Gods gift to the U.S. just like postal workers. The great part about making them government employees is that we wont have to tip them. I am still working out the details as far as the free cologne goes. I know there are probably still a few of you who think that this is impossible, but I say "Yes we can!", mainly just because that's what people say when the going gets tough. For extra security we will also equip each of them taser guns and the ability to write tickets just to make sure nobody is sneaking by with pee pee hands. No sir, not in my country, we may have some of the dirtiest streets, minds, mouths, yards, cars, restaurants, and people in the world, but if you join me we will damn sure have the cleanest hands!

Day 37--- If You Cant Clap Something Nice; Dont Clap Anything at All...

If you've ever been to church or a concert I am certain you have run into this next social outcast. The off-beat clapper. Nothing is more offensive to my spirit or my ears then someone who can not simply clap along.

The Bible says make a joyful noise unto the Lord, I am pretty sure clapping a half step behind everyone else is anything but joyful. It may even be one of the unforgivable sins. There is no faster way to spot the white guy at a traditional southern gospel church then to listen for the late clap. (True he will also be the only one without a big flowery hat and a fan in his hand)

I recently went to a small (non-professional) performance of "The Wiz" and one of the guys in the chorus clapped more off beat then Hellen Keller would have been at auditions for "Stomp". There was nothing I could do to divert my eyes from this guy, he stuck out like a sore arm. He was so into it too, he looked like he thought he was directing the show.

I understand that certain people have no rhythm, but since when did you need to be in Trans-Siberian Orchestra to clap on time? If you have 2 hands you are pretty much guaranteed to be able to perform this operation. If you can at least look at the people around you, you should be able to manage at least one or two at the same time. It is worse than singing off key too, because I realize that not everyone was blessed with the same golden pipes that I was (haha). I'm not asking for you to be able to lead the worship service here people, but bringing your hands together at the same time as those around you has to be a basic human function. Most of the babies of the world start clapping nearly before they learn how to breath, something we have been doing this long we should pretty much have perfected by the time we are 10. If you are the off-beat clapper I want you to know that everyone around you does notice. They dont always look, and they will probably never say anything, but they are most definitely thinking about how much you are ruining the song. So I reccommend that if you catch yourself clapping ahead or behind the people around you for more that thirty seconds that you politely put your hands in your pocket. I have included an instructional clapping video below. Actually, its more for entertainment purposes. Enjoy.

Day 36--- "Can You See Me Now???"

Unless you are Larry the Cable Guy who makes millions for looking like a tool there is no reason to wear camouflage out in public. Yet, day after day I still see these Rambo wannabe's flooding the streets. There are some things that were meant to be worn for specific occasions only, camouflage is definitely at the top of that list. Right up there with Halloween costumes, Santa outfits, jerseys, and work clothes. In my opinion it is just as wrong and unfashionable to wear camo to the mall as it is to wear a 3 piece suit to go hunting. Nothing screams trailer park louder than the family behind me in line at the local Wal-Mart who looks like they just killed Bambi. I realize for some of these offenders it may be the only attire that they can find but I guarantee there has got to be at least one Salvation Army in their town. Camouflage is so ugly that not even homeless people will wear it.

Obviously going to and coming from a hunt has to be acceptable, but this is not the case when you are in the row behind me at church. I'm sure if there was an 11Th commandment that got edited out it would have been thou shall not wear camouflage in church/ in public. Even spelling the name out reminds me of how ugly it is. Have you seen the camouflage shirts with words on the front? What is the point of this?... Is some hick designer out there trying to cross camo into main-stream clothing or is someone holding classes teaching deer how to read... I'm confused, appalled, and amazed all at the same time. At this rate it wont be long before people are going to try and wear military uniforms and scuba diving gear out to the mall. If you are someone who commonly breaks this rule, please realize that all the snickers and pointing is because of you. Sorry to burst your bubble. We can see you now.

Random note: Yesterday I saw a guy who was as big as a VW bus walking around the city with a camouflage shirt on and jeans on. I thought to my self, "self, if he were to happen to be out in the forest hunting is there any way on earth that whatever his prey was would not see or hear him coming." He looked like he could be about as stealth as a 747 on the lawn of the Pentagon. Going hunting with this guy would be about as successful as the cast of Little People Big World playing a pick-up game against the 96' Bulls.

Photo Caption: Up top you can see a photo I have included of popular star Rihanna wearing camouflage in public, she may be a large Larry the Cable Guy fan, or she may just be trying to hide from Chris Brown. Whatever the case may be, she still fails with this outfit.

Day 34--- "Oh, I'm Not That Hungry"...

Everyone loves going out to a nice meal with a group of friends, especially this next person. We all have that friend who will go out with a group and when its time to order they will claim that they are not "that" hungry. (Key word being "THAT"). They may even say I'll just have a bite/nibble/taste/sample/of yours, just so you are not surprised when the food comes and they start devouring it. You've seen this stunt before but you cant force them to order, and you don't want to sound greedy so you act like its no big deal (when we all know it is).

The food finally comes. Shamelessly, without skipping a beat, and ordinarily before you've had a chance to take a bite they scarf down the first thing they can reach. You think, OK, there's your taste, but deep inside you know its just begun. By the time your plate is half empty you realize that you have only taken about 3 bites. You've been had, this is commonly referred to as "the cheap ass friend who really is hungry but doesn't want to pay so they will syphon food from everyone else at the table and then not offer to pay", anything or (T.C.A.F.W.R.I.H.B.D.W.T.P.S.T.W.S.F.F.E.E.A.T.T.A.T.N.O.T.O.) for short. Because if they did offer to pay for half of what they ate they would end up having to pic up most of the check for the table. I'm one of the cheapest bastards I know, but I still man up and buy my own food. And if I ever claim to be not hungry, I've either just eaten, I'm being super cheap, or I'm lying, but I certainly am not going to clear everyone else's plates.

If you are one of those people that is too nice to say anything and you always end up leaving these group meals still hungry due to the food thief. You just have to remember who they are and distance yourself from them next time you go out. If you happen to get stuck within reach and they pull the not hungry bit, feel free to let them know when you find their hands in your plate they will be pulling back nubs, unless of course they want to pay half. There is certainly no shame in standing up for your food and for yourself, your stomach will thank you.

Tell-tale signs of the food thief:

1. Someone who often complains about money, but still wants to go out.

2. Someone who has no problem asking to borrow things, but never returns it.

3. A fat person who claims they are not hungry. (we are always hungry)

4. ANY stoned person without their own food in front of them.

5. Anyone else think of any?????

Day 33--- Croc of Sh*t...

I honestly don't know who I am more upset with, the person who designed Crocs, or the people with no sense of style who wear them. Upset really does not describe my true animosity towards these things. It seems as though they started out as a sandal substitute that one would wear on a day to the beach or at the pool. Now I'm seeing people wear these atrocious things out to dinner, at weddings, at funerals, and so on there is no end to their shamelessness.

Just because they can be found in all the colors of the rainbow does not mean they can be worn with any outfit. The only time these are acceptable at a funeral is if you are the one getting cremated, while wearing them. I've recently noticed that the designers even thought it would be a good idea to make little holes to put charms in. Now I see people of all ages running around with a bunch of charms on their feet. They look like a cross between a Payless, Claire's, and a Christmas tree from the ankle down.

This has got to stop. I never have been around of group of people and heard someone say "Oh, look at those Crocs, those are cute, I need to get a pair". If I had ever heard one of my friends utter those words, we would no longer be friends. NO, I'm not shallow, I just don'thang out with stupid people who dress like they are 9 years old, even Kanye West would be embarrassed to be seen with you. And Lord knows he is looking for some friends right now. There really should be a maximum age they are allowed to sell this foot fungus to, 9 maybe 10. The age in which we switch to boxers and training bras seems perfect. If you are over 4 foot 6, past 5Th grade, and or can color inside the lines, you are too old to be wearing Crocs. I'm sure it makes you feel like you have a playground on your feet but please grow up, you are not a kid again Michael Jackson. You may think I would change my mind if I owned a pair of them, but you would sooner get me to sit through "Watchmen" a second time then have me try on a pair of Crocs.

If you are reading this post and you own a pair I assure you it is not too late for you to seek help. I hear that in most towns across the country they hold Croc melting parties/support groups for people with your affliction. (I believe they are called "Die Crocs" or "Croc Hunters"). They are typically held after "AA" meetings and before "those who have have mullets" meetings. One way or another you need to be reaching out for help. I cant promise we will be here for you every step of the way, especially if you continue wearing them in the process, but I will assure you open arms in the end.

Friends don't let friends wear Crocs.