Day 52--- The Most Direct Way to Dress Like a Loser...

You know what I hate more than the past 51 days worth of people? If you said people who wear shirts with stupid sayings on them you were correct. Nothing else tells me faster that- 1. You are not actually funny or original, therefore you purchase something with a joke on it to make an attempt at looking funny and clever. And 2. You're a virgin. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin, but if you are wearing one of these shirts, we know it is not by choice.

Yes, I have laughed at a few of these shirts in my day, but I am not laughing with you, I am laughing at you. Or the shirt, you get no credit for the joke, I want that to be perfectly clear. You do get credit for being the douche who spent $30 at Hot Topic for a shirt that says "I make lesbians go straight"... Really? Why don't you save that $30 and put it towards next months subscription to World of Warcraft, seems like a more cost efficient thing to do in this sort of economy, besides isn't that why you are living in your parents basement? We all know the only vagina you ever see will be on the Discovery Health Channel, so give it up, funny shirts will never have the same outcome as alcohol or the "date rape drug".

I'm still amazed that they have whole stores dedicated to this sort of thing, I knew there were a lot of losers out there, but I didn't know they had enough money to keep the stupid saying shirt industry in business. I could go on forever about how cool these guys are, but chances are, they know it. So instead of continuing to bash them I'm gonna post a few of the shirt sayings I found most..... interesting... enjoy.

Without further ado: (my take on what they should say, or mean)

1. Cancel my subscription-I'm tired of your issues. (I'm single)

2. I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look. (please I've never seen one)

3. I put out. (I'll pay)

4. I'm huge in Japan. (OK this one is pretty straight forward)

5. I'm kind of a big deal. (I have no friends)

6. Free admission to the gun show. (I'm over compensating for something)

7. I'm not short! I'm funsize. (I'm short)

8. You're not worth my daytime minutes. (My mom stopped paying my cell phone bill)

9. I'd hit that. (I'm still willing to pay)

10. What has two thumbs up and is awesome? this guy. (I'll even pay for friends at this point)

I could keep going. But I'll spare you.

Day 51--- Shredder Look-alike's or Crazy People???

We have all seen this one random guy/girl at the airport walking around with a surgical mask on. Right? Either he is doing the worst impression ever of Michael Jackson or he thinks that idiotic mask will keep him germ and disease free. I cant help but wanting to inject these people with H1N1 like Dexter and sayin, "Ooooh guess that mask didn't help after all did it...". Maybe I'm alone on this one but I imagine that if the holes in it are big enough for air particles to get through and allow you to breathe. They are probably big enough to carry a bit of the Bird Flu in with it, at least I dang well hope so. Why are most of the people I see with these things on Asian? Statistically it could be because there are more of them than anyone else. Or it could be because they are the only ones who have no shame in walking around like they are about to go tag a freeway overpass somewhere. At least they have started to put designs on them to make them a little more accessory and a little less noticeable. NOT.

There are times these things may be necessary here is a short list:

- If you are a doctor or dentist, I don't want to smell your breath when you are that close, so I assume that it is more for my benefit than yours.

- If you are friends with predominately spit-talkers, nothing will make me want to barf faster than someone else's unwanted spit in my mouth.

- Any Broadway show with Johnathan Groff, this joke has zero appeal, but if you know who he is you will get it.

- A strip club, I don't know if there are any STD's that can get airborne, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Also, If your wife comes looking for you it will be harder for her to identify you.

- At Denny's, Again, I don't know if STD's can get airborne, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

- If you are dressing up as Shredder from the Ninja Turtles but cant afford a metal mask.

That's it.

I hope everyone learned something new today. I didn't.

Day 50--- CATastrophe...

So I made it. Day 50... pretty exciting huh, to all those bitches who didn't think I could do it. There you go! OK, lets be honest no one really gave a s#&t when I started this, so I really didnt have much opposition. I just thought it would be fun to make it sound like I got here barefoot, in the snow, up-hill style.

So for those of you who have come out and laughed with me up to this point, this is only the start. I still have more than 300 of these things left to write. Holy shit. I should not have reminded myself of that.... wow. Old friends who decided to follow and support, thank you, you always knew I was hilarious, now you can see it day to day ha ha... New friends from across the web, thank you so much for your continued support as well. OK, I've gone on too long I'm not the first person to have written in a Blog for 50 days, calm down Ryan.

Here is a little list of things that have happened in the last 50 days:

-I sold out... Ya, i got adsense, but I don't have a job so I had to find a way to eat. Keep on clickin those EZLUBE ads. ha ha.

-I've been yelled at by my mom, via text about the blog more than once. She still loves me. I think.

-Hopefully offended at least one person, what's the point of being honest if no one takes offense?

- Used celebrity references from Kid Rock to Hellen Keller, and still have not been sued.

- Moved from NY to LA

- Fallen for a girl :), sorry dudes. Ah, I'm ridiculous. 13 1/2 days!!!

- Gotten to 100 followers! I love you all! I'd love to have all your children, but I'm not Lil Wayne. Sorry... PS. keep telling your friends about me!

- Learned more about blogs than i ever wanted to know, but still feel like I don't know sh*&.

- Watched Kanye West once again prove that he is the biggest Douche in the entertainment business.

OK, Day fifty... who do I want to write about today, I wanted to make it big and special since it's a little bit of a benchmark but I'm gonna keep it simple since you probably already read through all that other crap.

In my blogging research I have found an over abundance of bloggers who blog about nothing but their cats. When I say over abundance I'm saying one would have been abundant, 2 is over abundant. Get it? Bloggers are big enough dorks ;) without the world thinking all we write about is our pets. I mean, cats are cute yay. One or two pictures is nice, but I have seen at least 5 to 20 blogs that are like a damn Facebook for these peoples cats. I am officially allergic to this nonsense.

I've seen one where this person takes like five pictures a day and names each pose the cat is doing. I don't know if I am more embarrassed for the person or for the cat. Now, I feel bad, I'm not gonna judge on blog content, because I'm new to this, and my shit still stinks. You can rip my grammar, my humor, and my ideas, but I feel like I at least win in the originality and content department. No, it's not a contest, yes, I'm being rude. I'm sorry in advance, I may have less than 100 followers at the end of the day. But at least I was honest, I needed to just get it off my chest, and today is my day!!! Because I said so!... If I see one more cat blog pop up in my searching I am going to call the local Chinese restaurant and then you can rename your blog "The Day My Cat Got Eaten with Fried Rice", that I'd read. Done.

On another note. i am going to figure out a way to give props to the blogs I do like I know there must be a widget or an application out there that I can add. Hopefully I find one that suits me. So don't be surprised if your blog pops up on my page. Unless its sh@#ty, then you should be surprised.

I'm gonna let you get back to your lives in a minute... BUT

Beyonce had one of the greatest videos of all time y'all!

Day 48--- Self Proclaimed Movie Critic... Two Thumbs down

Everybody needs friends, unless of course you are this guy, because chances are you are too good for the rest of us. I'm of course referring to the nit-picking movie goer, the one who has to find something wrong with every movie he or she watches. Apparently RottenTomatoes.com, Ebert, and George Lucas got together and made you an honorary movie know it all. Are you familiar with this douche? After living in NYC for five years I certainly am. They make their judgments about everything from the casting, to the lighting, and back down to the acting, like they were deciding who gets the academy award. Really you didn't think Heath Ledger played a believable Joker, first of all suck it, second of all, what would you have done differently??? Third, you realize this character is from a comic book, pretty sure that opens the door for some creative leeway. Of course if the movie was adapted from a book, it is doomed from the start, I'm sorry but I imagine a 700 page Harry Potter book was probably not the easiest thing to condense into a 2 to 3 hour movie. Plus, if the book is always soooo much better why do you have to ruin the movie for those of us who don't know how to read? I don't even know why these people waste 12 bucks to see the film if they are gonna bitch about it for 7 weeks afterwards. If you know so much why are you not making hit movies? Oh, that's right because you're an idiot. I imagine if I would have taken one of these guys to see Basic Instinct they would have complained that Stone had a five o'clock shadow in the middle... of the movie, always half empty with them...

Maybe I'm easy to please, I'm a guy, I like to laugh, see something blow up, and maybe an occasional boob or two (hopefully if I get one I get the other as well). Which was why until I was 15 the Lethal Weapon movies were the greatest things ever put on VHS. I wasn't walking away complaining about Mel Gibson's mullet, or the fact that someone thought Chris Rock was funny enough for a feature film, I was just happy that I was watching a rated R movie. I would have watched something with Ben Affleck, Cher, and Dane Cook in it if I thought there was a chance at sex scene. True, I'd fast forward most of the way, but still...

These are the same people who try and jump on the Indy bandwagon, they search the Internet for movies that have a budget less than a million and say it's their new favorite movie... Which they can say because they know none of us have seen it to quiz them on it. I'd like to throw two of these Indy-bots in a room and see if they have anything to talk about. Guaranteed they end up on Eternal Sunshine, Little Miss Sunshine, Punch Drunk Love, or Adaptation, sorry guys, we all saw these movies too, go a little more unknown next time.

You all officially have my permission from here on out to dump your popcorn or soda on them next time you are unfortunate enough to end up sitting next to one. Just make sure you get the refill-able size, trust me it will be worth it after all their hmph'n and haw'n... I'll give that one two thumbs WAY up!

Day 25--- $12.50 for a Movie Ticket... $7.50 for a Soda...$5.00 for Popcorn...Sneaking Your Own Food into a Theatre.... Priceless.

Yesterdays blog is going to be a tough one to follow, apparently we all know what its like to walk up on the dairy farm huh... Well, since I got such a great response yesterday I figured I'd throw another group of people in that we could all relate to. If you show me someone who has never snuck food into a movie theatre, I'll show you a liar, or a Mormon, plain and simple (no, the two are not related-figure it out).

If Harkins, AMC, and so on think that it is acceptable to charge me $12.50 to watch a movie I could download online for free. Then I see nothing wrong with filling my man purse full of goodies. Ill even hide things in my socks if necessary. From a very young age this was a value that was instilled in my home. My mom taught me all the skills of the trade (she could sneak food into a restaurant and get away with it). It is kind of disgusting to think that a family of four in NYC could spend close to $100 to go see a movie and get drinks and snacks. Sneaking food into the movies does not require any special skills either, unless of course what you are sneaking in is already open. I was on a date once and I had just bought a caramel frapp from Starbucks (highly recommended BTW), I was not nearly finished by the time the movie was about to start and I didn't want to throw it away. So I politely forced the girl I was with to dig a hole in her purse and prop it up. Success! Ive also seen the old keep it wrapped up in its original bag and bury it at the bottom of the purse trick, Airheads and Redvines galore. You need to make sure you hide the food opposite the ticket ripper side. This is important in the success of your venture. (This same technique works at Broadway shows, concerts, sporting events, church, and funerals). I don't even care if I'm out with a girl and she wants some popcorn, I'll tell her we can get some Cheese Crisps at the CVS and when she is paying for the date she can call the shots. Clearly this is why I'm single...No shame.

All in all, if you are currently a food sneaker inner, props and power to you, it really is the way to go. If you do not sneak food in because you think you will get caught, next time take a good look at the ticket ripper/security, there is a reason that they are ripping the tickets. (It is probably the most that their brains can handle). I imagine if you wanted you could probably sneak a friend into a movie with the credit card receipt, or potentially anything perforated. So, give it a shot, I assure you it with be worth a trip to the store beforehand.

Cheers.

I have included a video on movie etiquette for those of you who dont know how to behave once in. There are bad words. So if you have kids around send them to bed, or prepare the ear muffs.

Double Cheers.