Day 17 --- Tommy Barf-hama

Where do these playful old men come from? It would appear that they just walked off the set of Miami Vice or Hawaii 5-0. Yes, you guessed it, I'm talking about the group of grandpas who still think it is stylish to wear those flowered Hawaiian shirts every day of the year. Not just everyday though, but every where. From Costco to BINGO they are dressed in hula attire.

In my opinion this wear is only acceptable in 3 places; a cruise ship, a vacation somewhere tropical, or in the confines of your own retirement home. I don't think in the dead of winter you should pull off your parka to uncover this flowery mess, topped off with puka shells (but I have seen it, I promise!). Not to mention the fact that the men who do this are on average one to two buttons below standard protocol. I'm sure a majority of these gentlemen have owned their collection of flowered shirts since Elvis made them popular in the 50-60's. (Probably even more popular than his acting). Maybe even some brought them back during WWII/ Pearl Harbor, this does not make them stylish, this means they are heirlooms ready to be retired, or buried.

Is this our fault? Have we gotten so lazy when shopping for our grandpa's that we resort to the "Tommy Bahama" gift certificate every time. The only person winning in this situation is Tommy himself. Even his employees are sick of dealing with the putrid smell of moth balls (or old man balls for that matter). Is there away to put an end to this silver chest hair parade that has been polluting my eyes for years? Ive seen enough old men running around like Tony Montana to last me a life time, (Scarface reference) I'm afraid for our children. Just because you've retired does not mean you've moved to the tropics. I love shirts that show my chest hair as well, but there is a time and a place for this; my home, working out, or the beach. I personally think you guys should stick to the button ups with pocket protectors and Velcro shoes. You've been rockin those since I was born and not once has this style gotten an adverse reaction.

I'm not hating on your age, so don't get offended, I'm simply playing Joan Rivers best and worst dressed here. All of you Sean Connery wannabe's out there, I realize that you're old and senile and typically get away with stuff like this, but just try and be considerate next time your behind me in line at Luby's Cafeteria. And for the love of all that is good, if you are forced to wear one, be generous with the buttoning. I do not want to see the tattoo on your chest that used to be and anchor and now looks like a dong. Remember gravity and sun damage has taken full affect, be courteous. Cheers.

Below I've included a list of older men who are still allowed to wear the flower button ups wherever they want:

Harrison Ford.

If you can think of anymore, please leave them as comments. I'm sure you can think of at least one.

Day 4--- Elvis Impersonators........Imposters.

Do they really still exist? The Answer is unfortunately, Yes...Is this really the most lucrative career that these guys could shoot for? I guess when you're 55, fat, with jet-black hair, and an Elvis costume that fit 22 years ago. Clearly this is the next step in your mid-life crisis. What shocks me most, is that, if the rich, talented, once attractive "Elvis Presley" killed himself, what makes these people think its gonna be "Graceland" (lame-but necessary reference) for them...

What it is that makes them decide one day that they are sick of being an individual. (actual thought process)---->"...................Elvis" (someone who was not thinking) . Me personally I would pick someone who got a few more ladies/street cred., like Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Spencer Pratt, or Sean Astin (OK, all inside jokes) ... Think about these guys with me for a second, it really is quite a fascinating concept. I do realize that some of these people do it for fun/hobby. This blog is not directed at them. This is for the crazies who would never read this blog, because they really think they are Elvis living in the early 1970's. These are the guys who live to perform "Jailhouse Rock" on street corners from NY to LA,(higher concentration in Memphis and Vegas of course). These are the type of people that you would never let baby-sit your kids. The same guys who are trespassed from Wal-Mart because they've been caught one to many times trying on the ladies nighties and walking around the housewares section. (totally off topic, I'm just trying to prove how crazy they are). We have even had the honor of seeing a few of these kooks on the American-Idol auditions in recent years (this is clearly the originality that Simon and Randy are looking for) (i don't count Paula, no I'm not sexist, she's just an idiot).

Maybe I'm completely alone in my disapproval of Elvis impersonators, maybe I'm the asshole who just crushed your dreams, but its my blog. I see it this way; I have not given a crap about mall Santa since I realized he was not the real deal. I feel like impostor Elvis is the same thing without the presents, elves, and candy canes. On a lighter note though. I do realize the mall Santa's are necessary, I mean it would be ridiculous to think that "The actual Santa" could come down to all the malls in December when he is like at his busiest inspecting toys in the north pole. It all made a lot more sense when i realized that... But, fake Elvis= no redeeming qualities= still retarded.

I'm here today to ask when does this stop? We must put an end to this so we can make room for all the creepy Michael Jackson impersonators that you know are gonna flood are streets, schools, and day cares over the next 32 years. (<-how long its been since Elvis died) (I do my research)...If you would, please just sign my petition asking for it to be an illegal act for any man over 25 (give myself a year) to wear a white onesie, with a collar, that he has bedazzled himself. Its just not right.

I didn't know Elvis personally, but I did see enough of his crappy movies to know that he was a self respecting man. And I'm pretty sure he would be appalled at how out of hand these people have gotten, so, if you didn't do it for me...... Do it for "the King".

Thanks for reading, have a good night. see you tomorrow.

PS. yesterday i learned how to put pictures. today i learned how to tab. i cant wait to see what tomorrow has in store :)