Day 128--- He Sees You When You're Sleeping...

Someone un-followed me. Rude. What did I do to them? This reminds me how thankful I am for those of you who read my non-sense daily, I really do appreciate it :), if it were not for you guys I may be tempted to start posting pictures of animals on my page to draw in that whole crowd... If you have not noticed we are here at yet another celebrity Sunday... Too soon to bring up Brittany Murphy? Kidding, sad story, especially this time of year. Instead I decided to stick with the current holiday theme and talk about someone we have all heard of. Santa Claus.

Obviously I have no real beef with the guy. It is pretty sweet that he flies around the world in one night providing gifts for all of the children whose parents can afford his visit... All he requires is that you leave him milk and cookies to fuel him on his long journey, or possibly carrots and water if he happens into any boring vegan household. This dude has quite the set up, flying reindeer, elves, and a giant factory filled with toys. He only has to work one day a year, maybe a few random days for inspections, but the rest of the time he probably spends next to a fire, with a never ending glass of egg nog, playing Call of Duty 4 on PS3. As far as I am concerned being born into the Claus' would be even better than being born royalty. The only downside is that it must be pretty freaking cold at the North Pole, sure he has space heaters and fires galore, but this really cannot help the temperature outside. I guess you have to take the good with the bad though.

If I ever get the chance to apply for the job, and somehow miraculously get it, first thing I would do is change the outfit... Sure it was cool in the 1900's, but I really think something needs to be done about all that red. I can dig the beard, although it may be pretty itchy at first I think I could get used to it... I'd see if I could potential switch up the meal plan as well, places I visit first should set out slices of pizza and Red Bull to keep me going through the night, then towards the end cookies and milk would do just fine. Although I probably should request Lactaid Free, or things could get a bit... smelly. Also this is almost 2010, I've gotta do something about this whole chimney situation, that just seems so old fashioned, I am sure that the back door should be just fine from now on... This is why I keep checking Craigslist and waiting for the job posting, the way I see it he has to retire sometime soon.

Honestly though. I miss Santa. I said it, I am not ashamed, when I was little Santa was the coolest thing all year. I was one of those kids who just bought the shit out of the whole thing... My parents were good, like we would go to bed Christmas night and there were like the 10-15 standard presents under the tree from my parents and family and what not. Then Christmas morning we would come into the room and barely be able to move there were so many gifts... I tried to be skeptical, I used to search the house for gifts prior to Christmas day and I never found anything, to this day I still have no clue where my parents hid stuff. I feel like I would finally pass out at like 4 in the morning and be awakened by my excitement alarm at like 6 am... Run into the family room and just think how the hell is this possible... I'm talking like desks and basketball hoops and bikes, things that they could just not hide... So needless to say I was duped. If it hadn't been for that asshole kid my freshman year of high school I may still be a believer. I think it is awesome that there is just like this worldwide joke that we play on kids and they believe it no matter how ridiculous the story is... I cant wait til I have kids just so I can test out a few stories that I have been working on over the years...

Whether you are someone who celebrates Christmas or not you really do have to tip your hat to the whole Santa bit. I would have loved to have been there when the whole idea was being thought up, and then have myself fast forwarded to today. We are so great at commercializing everything, I need to invent a holiday...

Day 4--- Elvis Impersonators........Imposters.

Do they really still exist? The Answer is unfortunately, Yes...Is this really the most lucrative career that these guys could shoot for? I guess when you're 55, fat, with jet-black hair, and an Elvis costume that fit 22 years ago. Clearly this is the next step in your mid-life crisis. What shocks me most, is that, if the rich, talented, once attractive "Elvis Presley" killed himself, what makes these people think its gonna be "Graceland" (lame-but necessary reference) for them...

What it is that makes them decide one day that they are sick of being an individual. (actual thought process)---->"...................Elvis" (someone who was not thinking) . Me personally I would pick someone who got a few more ladies/street cred., like Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Spencer Pratt, or Sean Astin (OK, all inside jokes) ... Think about these guys with me for a second, it really is quite a fascinating concept. I do realize that some of these people do it for fun/hobby. This blog is not directed at them. This is for the crazies who would never read this blog, because they really think they are Elvis living in the early 1970's. These are the guys who live to perform "Jailhouse Rock" on street corners from NY to LA,(higher concentration in Memphis and Vegas of course). These are the type of people that you would never let baby-sit your kids. The same guys who are trespassed from Wal-Mart because they've been caught one to many times trying on the ladies nighties and walking around the housewares section. (totally off topic, I'm just trying to prove how crazy they are). We have even had the honor of seeing a few of these kooks on the American-Idol auditions in recent years (this is clearly the originality that Simon and Randy are looking for) (i don't count Paula, no I'm not sexist, she's just an idiot).

Maybe I'm completely alone in my disapproval of Elvis impersonators, maybe I'm the asshole who just crushed your dreams, but its my blog. I see it this way; I have not given a crap about mall Santa since I realized he was not the real deal. I feel like impostor Elvis is the same thing without the presents, elves, and candy canes. On a lighter note though. I do realize the mall Santa's are necessary, I mean it would be ridiculous to think that "The actual Santa" could come down to all the malls in December when he is like at his busiest inspecting toys in the north pole. It all made a lot more sense when i realized that... But, fake Elvis= no redeeming qualities= still retarded.

I'm here today to ask when does this stop? We must put an end to this so we can make room for all the creepy Michael Jackson impersonators that you know are gonna flood are streets, schools, and day cares over the next 32 years. (<-how long its been since Elvis died) (I do my research)...If you would, please just sign my petition asking for it to be an illegal act for any man over 25 (give myself a year) to wear a white onesie, with a collar, that he has bedazzled himself. Its just not right.

I didn't know Elvis personally, but I did see enough of his crappy movies to know that he was a self respecting man. And I'm pretty sure he would be appalled at how out of hand these people have gotten, so, if you didn't do it for me...... Do it for "the King".

Thanks for reading, have a good night. see you tomorrow.

PS. yesterday i learned how to put pictures. today i learned how to tab. i cant wait to see what tomorrow has in store :)