Day 204--- "I'm Telling"

That's right, you are not mistaken, I am back for the second time in one week. I hope you are as impressed as I am. I hope that everyone had a pleasant Valentines day yesterday, I know that my roommate did... He and the cat both looked very happy when I got home from my date, I didn't ask any questions. I hope that you checked out the video at the bottom of the Packer post because it is really my only excuse to why I had taken off 8 months from writing these things. But now that the stand up is a little more underway I figure I can manage both, I mean I do only work about 23 hours a week. Hard knock life.

So lets get to todays victim. The Tattle Tale. I know what you are thinking, " hey Ryan, I haven't heard those words since I was in Middle School, are they even still around?"... Hell yes they are, they have just become a little better at their craft. When they were young, before they learned how to monitor their "tattle filter" their instinct was to just run up to whoever was in charge (parent or a teacher) and just blurt out what wrong was being committed... "Mom! mom! Ryan is taking a shit on the kitchen floor, Ryan ate all my Playdoh, Ryan is trying to light a firecracker in the dogs butt." (Only one of those was made up, I'll let your imagination run wild). Those kids that immediately ran and told rather than just letting us clowns do our thing were named tattle tales. Those who went above and beyond in order to get others in trouble. Flash forward 20 years, if these people were to still so outwardly tattling their would be a lot more blows thrown on a daily basis, so they have had to become more passive and more sneaky... Had they learned this 20 years earlier those prior "tattles" would have sounded more like this, " Gee, its so funny when Ryan goes poo in the kitchen, you should go check it out, I cant wait to get new Playdoh, silly Ryan ate all mine again," and lastly, "ha, I didn't know that a firecracker would stick in the dogs butt, and still be able to light, Ryan proves me wrong again". You see, with just slightly different wording they sound less like douche-bags and more like they are just sharing information, yet the purpose, the tattle, is still there in disguise...

Flash back forward 20 years, I don't know where that lands us, but imagine its 2011. You were supposed to finish some paperwork on Friday but your boss leaves early. You figure, ima head out early pre-finishing paperwork but beat my boss in on Monday and get the shit done then. Weekend starts early and no one gets hurt. But the jealous douche next to you (with the same job), who is a pansy with no life and who wants to finish all their work before they leave sees that you have taken off early without finishing... What do they do? They put in a nice little courtesy call to the boss at the end of the day just to inform them how the rest of the day went... For some reason during this call they decide that they need to say "oh, and before I head out tonight I'll go ahead and do those "papers" for Ryan, I saw he had left some things un-finished before he dipped out today, no big deal I just want to make sure everything is done before the weekend"... And there you have it ladies and gentleman and ladymen and gentle ladies "The Adult Tattle Tale"... Sounding more familiar. Listen I work at a restaurant and we have them, people love telling on me for not doing all of my sidework, silverware rolling especially... Instead of saying, "Ryan didn't roll enough silverware" they say, "Hmm, Ryan sure got done fast, usually takes everyone else much longer". Yeah, thats just because you guys are retarded. That's OK, it happens.

There are a few other names for people who "tattle" as adults. Such as, snitches, witnesses, or informants. You know what happens to most of these people? That's right, they get killed, dead, just sayin. Tattling is some serious business, so if you are or have a kid who has been known to tell on others, you may want to think about the consequences. Done.

Day 203--- I'm Back... With the PACK!

So I guess its been about 8 months since I have graced any of your computer screens with my words, but I had 2 cups of crac-offee today so I could pretty much do anything. Even read a book, ha, yeah right. I imagine that a good 47% probably quit using the Internet completely once you realized I was not blogging any longer. I mean what point is there to live if you cant get your daily fill of Ryan. Mmm sounds dirty. Anyways, I think I'm done being burnt out with my blog (which should make them good and fun again) so I'm hoping to shell out a few a week at least til I hit my 365Th. For those of you non-mathematicians that's somewhere around 162 more posts. Makes me wet just thinking about it. Can you feel it? Just to let you know I haven'tbeen completely lazy since we parted ways, I have actually started diving into the world of stand-up comedy... I honestly owe some of my old readers a big thank you for the encouragement, I probably never would have gotten into it if I didn't have so many of them suggest that I should. So thanks if any of you come across this... (I'll post some videos)

Green and Yellow, Green and Yellow, Green and Yellow... For those of you who don't know, remember, or care I moved from L.A. to Milwaukee just over a year ago because I wanted to see what shrinkage was all about. Since moving here I have fallen in love, (in more ways than one) with everything about this place. But today I've decided to highlight Packers Fans... I cant think of another place that I've lived where people support their teams as hardcore as they do here in the Cheese-head state...

How about the fact that any game played at Lambeau field after mid-November has about a 94 percent chance of being at or below snot freezing temperatures and if memory serves me correctly snot has a lower freezing point than water... Still this does not stop them from packing the stadium in green and yellow... I wasn't able to find stats on how often their games sell out, mainly because I am not a detective and don't have all day to read my way through sports stats (aka I'm lazy). But I can tell you that: season tickets have been sold out since 1960, and more than 81,000 names remain on the waiting list (with a reported average wait time of 30 years). Actually, wikipedia can tell you that, I can copy paste. I'd say it takes some pretty dedicated fans to keep that streak up...

Now, anyone that has not been infected with color-blindness can admit that green and yellow are about the 2 least flattering or appealing colors on earth. Even still almost daily during the season Packers fans will go head to toe with this shit... Any day of the week you will find the mall littered with old blue haired women with their 97' Superbowl sweatshirts and Starter jackets, so sexy. But hey, at least we aren't the browns...

Ive also become impressed with the fact that any gameday, even early in the season, when the Packers game is on the Milwaukee becomes a ghost town. For the 3 or so hours that the game is on you could run down the middle of the street butt ass naked and have a 75% less chance of being hit by a car... I've done my research. Seriously though, I've lived all around the country and traveled around it even more and I have never been to a state where more people schedule their lives around a football team... Its touching, not Ben Roethlisberger touching, but touching none-the-less...

My favorite thing about all Packers fans is their mutual hatred for all things Bears or Vikings... I mean, I have seen some pretty intense rivalries up close in my life including Yankees-Red Sox, but nothing compares to the way Wisco-nites hate those to the south and west... Before I realized the full extent I thought it would be funny to buy a Bears cup that I had found a Goodwill and put it in our cupboard with the rest of the cups. This was the closest I had ever come to being raped in my life, and I live with 2 girls and a cat, even the cat wouldn't talk to me for a week... The Brett Favre hatred is pretty impressive as well, but I'd say only about half of the people here hate him, the other half are impressed that he can text at his age...

I've never been one for goodbye's, so instead of having an impressive or even semi-impressive outro, I am just going to post a video of one of the 1st stand up performances I ever did back in early January... (aka. shameless self promotion/ whoring myself out)... I will be doing more blogs! Please come join me again for the ride...