Day 27--- Tele-Motherf*&^%^$

I'm pretty sure my next victims have been called every name in the book, I didn't google statistics, I just know I have used at least 37 different ones on them. Tele-marketers are quite possibly the most annoying people on earth (next to the guy on the free credit report commercials).

How awful is it being mid "American Idol" and having the phone ring. Initially you get excited, because well, getting phone calls is almost always exciting (especially in the text-ual world we're living in). What you hear on the other end of the phone is not exciting at all though.

Typical Conversation:

"Hello, may I please speak with Mr. Holman?"...

"speaking"...

"Hi, Mr. Holman could I possibly interest you in signing up wi-*click*.............."

Did I seriously just waste precious seconds of my life talking to a telemarketer. Almost always our anger lasts long after the phone call, we go on and on about our number being un-listed, and this and that. To where we becoming more distracting than the call itself. I'll be honest, it pisses me off the most when I try and politely decline and they just keep going, like if they change their voice tone to a higher pitch all of a sudden I'm gonna be like you know what I do want to sign up for a new credit card, you totally sold me on it.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm on the movie "Glen-Gary Glen-Ross" or the "Boiler Room" (which is a reference only my dad will get). Just thinking about getting calls from these butt plugs has me angry now. I heard Chris Brown had just got a phone call from a telemarketer before he went ape shit on Rhianna (this is a common term, not referring to how his face looks). I never think it is right to hit a girl, but if the stories are true I can see why he snapped. Tele-marketers make me almost as distraught as knowing that Carson Daly still has his own TV show, even though no one watches it. Its bad. He's not funny. Was he ever funny? Did I miss something? And now I think he he does crack, but like the store brand because God knows he cant afford the good stuff. OK. sorry random tangent, but really?.... Carson Daly, my cat has more humor in his left paw, and the kicker is, I don't even own a cat. But if I did.

Fact (that I made up);Studies show that tele-marketers are the leading cause of bi-polar-ness in our country.

Back to tele-marketers.

At this point we are so predisposed to hating these phone jerk-offs that they could be giving shit away and we wouldn't let them talk long enough to find out. I imagine the average call time for one of them is something like 8 seconds, it is probably harder for them to keep people on the phone than it would be to ride a bull...(that's where I got the whole 8 second thing from).

It makes me wonder if people used to treat door to door salesmen like this back in the ""leave it to Beaver" era. Pre-peep holes and stuff. Did people open the door to see some jack ass with a vacuum cleaner and a briefcase and then just shut it right back in his face. When did we become so rude. Is it us or is it them that are the rude ones? I don't even know anymore. Technically they are invading my me time, which is very hard to come by, so maybe they are the inconsiderate ones. Or is it I, the one who hurls insults and hangs up on seemingly innocent people who just need to do their job. Cant you guys see I am busy updating my Facebook status?... The amazing thing is, I don't even have a land line and these bastards still manage to get a hold of me. Yes, I have caller I.D. but it never says "asshole calling", its always like some number that I think I might know or for some reason I recognize, which at this point is probably because they call once a week.

I wonder what the suicide rate is among telemarketers, that may be an interesting study. Do you think they have to have their offices in some remote area so people don't try and track them down and harm them?(Harm being the least graphic word that came to mind). Do you think the pay is amazing to keep them going? Do you think they get a special bonus if they keep the person on the line longer than 30 seconds, even if they don't make a sell? Do you think telemarketers have friends? Do you think their families still love them? Do you think they even have families? Do you think maybe they were a bunch of foster kids who were bred into tele-marketers? Have you ever met one? (I haven't, makes me wonder if they really exist or if they are just part of my imagination. How high is their turnover rate? How do they know when we are eating dinner? Who do people hate more, postmen or tele-marketers? All valid questions that I'd like you all to ponder. Or answer in the comment area.

Fact (that I made up): Most Americans would rather answer the phone to the guy from "Scream" on the other line than a tele-marketer.

I'm over it, my phone's ringing gotta go.

Day 26--- Sock it To Me...

No matter how many times I watch "The Devil Wears Prada" I am still no fashionista, believe me. Yet, I still contain enough brain cells to know that socks with sandals is a huge no no. There are no exceptions to this rule, except maybe ninjas, but they can kick me in the face so i really don't argue with them about anything. Yet, any given trip to the mall or a theme park you are bound to see at least one of these idiots walking around. I know you are thinking, "gee Ryan that's harsh". NO, no its not, these people are breaking like one of only 2 footwear rules. The other being that they go on your feet.

Jesus would be rolling in his grave if He saw you wearing socks with His sandals. (OK, I realize He rose from the grave, and He can see you all the time, but for the sake of this blog...pretend). Wearing socks with sandals is in the same "NEVER DO" category as rat tails, mullets, and fanny packs (all future blog topics). I cant imagine a time in history that someone thought, "I want to wear sandals so my feet can breathe, but not too much.

FACT: You should never be wearing sandals and end up with a farmers tan.

Is it even comfortable? It makes as much sense as wearing a thong over whitie-tighties, if you are gonna have a wedgie, go for the gold. I'm sitting here trying to think of something that looks equally as idiotic as sox con sandalias and the only thing that comes to mind is Tom Hanks' hair in "The Davinci Code", and still that hails in comparison. It actually makes me feel uncomfortable, I instantly think this person has a mental illness and is going to start drooling on me, or possibly they are from Germany. Either way we need to enlighten these people.

You know, it just makes me want to sock someone. (had to)... The end.

ps. thanks for the idea allyson :)

Follow my blog with bloglovin

Day 25--- $12.50 for a Movie Ticket... $7.50 for a Soda...$5.00 for Popcorn...Sneaking Your Own Food into a Theatre.... Priceless.

Yesterdays blog is going to be a tough one to follow, apparently we all know what its like to walk up on the dairy farm huh... Well, since I got such a great response yesterday I figured I'd throw another group of people in that we could all relate to. If you show me someone who has never snuck food into a movie theatre, I'll show you a liar, or a Mormon, plain and simple (no, the two are not related-figure it out).

If Harkins, AMC, and so on think that it is acceptable to charge me $12.50 to watch a movie I could download online for free. Then I see nothing wrong with filling my man purse full of goodies. Ill even hide things in my socks if necessary. From a very young age this was a value that was instilled in my home. My mom taught me all the skills of the trade (she could sneak food into a restaurant and get away with it). It is kind of disgusting to think that a family of four in NYC could spend close to $100 to go see a movie and get drinks and snacks. Sneaking food into the movies does not require any special skills either, unless of course what you are sneaking in is already open. I was on a date once and I had just bought a caramel frapp from Starbucks (highly recommended BTW), I was not nearly finished by the time the movie was about to start and I didn't want to throw it away. So I politely forced the girl I was with to dig a hole in her purse and prop it up. Success! Ive also seen the old keep it wrapped up in its original bag and bury it at the bottom of the purse trick, Airheads and Redvines galore. You need to make sure you hide the food opposite the ticket ripper side. This is important in the success of your venture. (This same technique works at Broadway shows, concerts, sporting events, church, and funerals). I don't even care if I'm out with a girl and she wants some popcorn, I'll tell her we can get some Cheese Crisps at the CVS and when she is paying for the date she can call the shots. Clearly this is why I'm single...No shame.

All in all, if you are currently a food sneaker inner, props and power to you, it really is the way to go. If you do not sneak food in because you think you will get caught, next time take a good look at the ticket ripper/security, there is a reason that they are ripping the tickets. (It is probably the most that their brains can handle). I imagine if you wanted you could probably sneak a friend into a movie with the credit card receipt, or potentially anything perforated. So, give it a shot, I assure you it with be worth a trip to the store beforehand.

Cheers.

I have included a video on movie etiquette for those of you who dont know how to behave once in. There are bad words. So if you have kids around send them to bed, or prepare the ear muffs.

Double Cheers.

Day 24--- Tits McGee...

Boobs are like car wrecks. OK, let me re-phrase that, boobs with little kids sucking on them are like car wrecks (too graphic? then you get my point). They are like car wrecks because even when you know you shouldn't look, you cant help but stare. It does not matter if the cars are nice or new you still want to see what condition they are in. This is precisely why breast feeding in public should not be allowed. Unless of course you want me to sit there waiting for your baby to take a breath. Yes, I'm aware that it is a natural and necessary process, but so is my desire to stare at breasts. I cant tell you how many times Ive walked up to a table, (for those who just joined us, I'm a waiter) and some lady has got her feed-bag out being milked by some diaper-fest. Hey I'm hungry too, but I'm not allowed to eat on the floor (especially not oyster crackers-inside joke).

You remember when we were in school, and we could not take out a snack unless we had enough for the whole class. If we enforce this rule for milkin-madres then maybe I'll stop caring. Otherwise, go to the bathroom, do it before you leave home, or pump it into a bottle. Its hard enough for guys to look women in the face when they are talking to them, you can assume its at least 72.3 times harder when we have a chance to see the nip. Yes, you just had a baby. Yes, you are probably married. That's part of the fun, its like a bonus round if we see ones that we would not see otherwise.

I know they have made these shirts that you can lift up and put the baby's head underneath, which I do appreciate. I can guarantee you we are all still trying to see what's under there. This I compare to the aftermath of that same car wreck from above. They now have tarps, white sheets, and police tape over everything, but you are one rubber necking S.O.B to try and see what's under there (I know, I've been caught behind you in traffic). People are curious, people are nosey, and if this was not true no one would relate to any of my blogs. If this were the Garden of Eden no one would mind if you just plopped your situation out and let the little sucker (haha-intended) go to town but this is 2009 and boobs are just as fascinating to me today as they were in 8Th grade. So the deal is, if you don't mind sharing feel free to feed. If you don't agree with the sharing is caring policy, first of all, shame on you; but more importantly wait for the car.

Needless to say, I had fun choosing today's picture. It took longer than usual to find the right one.

Day 23--- Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow the Yellow Brick Road!

What is wrong with the word midget? It certainly does not offend anyone that I know. What happened to having a "little" bit of fun at someone else's expense. Who says I have to be politically correct? Its not that I mind calling them "little people", I just think the word midget loads more fun to say. Don't you?

I think with the popularity of the show "Little People Big World" it has once again become a novelty to be a midget in the United States. Their first wave of popularity came after the ever popular "The Wizard of Oz", people realized the importance of their role in that movie. Dorothy never would have gotten her happy ass to Oz if it were not for the excellent sense of direction the munchkins had, and the great architectural design of that yellow path. Just when the munchkins popularity was wearing off we had another classic midget movie, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", thank God for those silly little Oompa Loompas. Once again these characters shaped the outcome of this classic story.

I don't know about you but these classics certainly make me want to have one of my own. Obviously not own them, but maybe just start up some sort of rental system. I think I could create a little case for them similar to the ones that Paris uses for her little dogs (obviously it would have to be a bit bigger). Or I'm sure that I could design some sort of papoose thing that I could wear on my front or back like some sort of satchel. I know if I had the time, money, and a midgetorium I could make midgets the hottest accessory in 2010.

Lets be honest, they can do all the same things as big people. Well, except ride roller coasters, reach the buttons for the top floors on an elevator, ride in the front seat of a car, change a light bulb, sit in the exit row on an airplane, play major league sports, but none of those things are any fun anyways. They also get to do a lot of cool things that we cant, look up girls skirts without bending over, shop at baby gap, take really funny pictures, get thrown across the pool with ease, work for Santa, stand on things and not get yelled at, crawl out of the back of a booth from under the table without having to have everyone get out, hide in clothing racks at the mall and jump out and scare people, so clearly they have advantages that I can only dream about.

Who knows maybe short is the way God intended all people to be and we are the abnormally large monsters, you know sometimes the majority means all the fools are on one side. (one of my favorite quotes ever! btw-live by it)...

There are plenty of " little people" that have made it "big" in the entertainment industry who can be an inspiration to all. For instance, Joe C the little guy who ran around with Kid Rock, Emmanuel Lewis from the 80's TV show "Webster", Tom Cruise who used to be married to Nicole Kidman, Vern Troyer aka Mini Me, plenty of people have become famous despite their shortfalls. (no pun intended)... (that's a lie, I intended it)

One of my dreams in life is actually to see 2 teams of midgets play tug of war against each other. Or just one team against me, and see if I can beat them! Is that so bad? Either that or go to one of their little conventions and dress up as Goliath, although I wont give them sling-shots, I don't trust them any further than I can throw them. (Which is oddly more than I trust you guys, just due to the size/throwing ratio).

Hopefully no one was offended by this, luckily midgets don't know how to use computers so I know I wont have to worry about them. KIDDING.