Day 81--- I Gotsta Pee...

This one goes out to all of my readers who have ever had roommates, or had to share a bathroom with one or more people. I have about a thousand experiences that I am sure I will share at some point in my life, probably once I'm done with therapy. Today I am talking about the roommate that hogs the bathroom like they lived alone.

You may think this is only common in a house full of females who like to take their time getting ready, but I am here to tell you otherwise. In my last house I had a roommate who must have shaved his entire body, twice, while exfoliating, taking a bath, fishing out ingrown hairs, weighing himself, and cutting his toe-nails. If he went into the bathroom at 9 A.M. and you realized you had to pee at 9:10, you may as well go in the front yard or the kitchen sink unless you could hold it an hour and a half. This actually worked for me, I like peeing in new places, it only became weird when I had to do the doo. You become very unpopular among your roommates when they have to plunge the kitchen sink... (in my defense, I thought we had a garbage disposal, apparently not... I'm kidding, but trust me there were a few close calls).

Seriously though, there was a point while I was living in NYC that I shared 1 bathroom with 4 other guys and never had to worry about someone taking too long, but share a bathroom with 1 gay guy in Hollywood and I needed to make an appointment. I honestly don't know what could take a man an hour or more in the bathroom, I understand girls have long hair, so that takes longer to wash and dry, and if they are not hippies, then it takes them a while to shave. But if you are a dude there is no reason to take more than 30 minutes. The worst part is that he was bald, he didn't even have hair to wash (I assume you got that by me just saying he was bald, but just in case you didn't, he did not have hair)... Maybe I'm just talented but I can complete the three S's (shit, shower, shave) in like 15 minutes and still have ample time to flex in the mirror, admire my uni-brow, and measure my... hair. Welcome to my world.

Even worse than having to wait hours for the bathroom, is when you finally get it and there is only 11 seconds of warm water left. I say warm because hot is out of the question at this point. Luckily for me I don't even need hot water, warm will do, but 11 seconds is not quite enough time. When you go in after one of these people its like instantly the cold fridge water has re-routed itself to your shower. This roommate is only ready to get out of the shower when they know there is no suitable water left for the next person, they want to make sure they are the only clean person in the house.

It also sucks when you have to be somewhere and you just miss your bathroom window time. I guess this is why some households with numerous people make bathroom schedules. This may seem overly organized but if you have to be to school in the morning and wake up after your bathroom hog roommate, then you are pretty much screwed. My girlfriend told me a story about one such instance. She had a roommate who was in there with the door locked for way too long, so she had to run over to her campus to go to the bathroom before she was even ready. This is what sucks about being a girl, if it were me I would have just gone and peed in the girls trash can, there is nothing wrong with a little bit of bathroomly revenge. If you block me from my morning piss, you can expect me to mark my territory somewhere in your room.

A small annoyance, but still one that exists is when you go into the bathroom and it feels like a sauna, now I guess this is alright in the winter time, but when you walk into the steam room after them you know they have just been sitting in their lounging. Usually when this occurs the bathroom floor is soaking wet too, its like come on this is why I bought these cute little Finding Nemo bath mats, use them.

The only way that I have found to really slow down these people from monopolizing bathroom time is by cutting out the hot water ten minutes into their shower. The results will be amazing when they think that they are only going to have 10 minutes of hot water. All of a sudden they learn how to get things done much faster in there.... No need to thank me.