Day 199--- SPEAKER-Phone...

I'd like to think of another good excuse to why I've been so lazy on the blog-front but its really just been due to a lack of time, oh, and that little vacation back to New York didn't help either... Although Ive been away from the computer Ive been jotting down some ideas for the next 200 some odd days, so lets get this show back on the road... Today I'm going with the D-bags who talk way louder than necessary on their cell phones...

We all know these people... For me they usually turn up behind me on the bus or behind me in line at the grocery store. One of the few places I cant just run away from the annoyance... I tell myself that they just have a problem controlling the volume of their voices, but in reality I think that they just want other people to hear what is going on in their life... Similar to bloggers... These people probably know that the person on the other end of the phone is not paying any attention to their babbling on so they try and create an audience from the people around them... Sure sometimes it works, there are certain key words that they could throw in that would interest me. Sex, kill, blood, albino, tiger, you know, stuff like that would interest anyone... But I assure you we are not into just any run of the mill phone conversation... No, I don't want to hear what you want for dinner, well, unless you are going to hunt down, have sex with and kill an albino tiger, otherwise please use your inside voice... Better yet, use your telephone voice, that's at least a decibel or two quieter I'm sure, I promise you that the speaker on the other side will deliver all the information that you are trying to get across...

One other conversation that is always acceptable to have loudly is a break up... I mean, traditionally I think these should be handled via letter, email, or text, but if you must break up over the phone please do it so that I can hear... It would be even better if you could put the other person on speaker phone so that I can hear both sides of it, but if you don't have speaker phone, first of all its 2010, upgrade, second do that thing where you repeat what they said in disbelief... For instance they say, "I cant do this anymore, I've been seeing your brother." Now, that's important stuff that I want to hear, so what you do is say something along the lines of... "I cant believe you just said that you have been seeing my brother."... SO then I am right there with you like you want me to be...

If you really don't think you can handle the volume control there is always this new technology called texting... Sure, the people on the bus with you wont know everything that is going on in your life, but hey, then you can just start a blog...

For those of you who are still visiting me even after my shotty past couple of months, I love you, and I hope you still keep coming back and letting my words impregnate your eyes. Cheers.

Day 198--- Whats Your Fanta-ta-tasy....?

Haha, Sco, I know that we don't really know each other, but just based off of what I do know about you I have to say that I am not shocked to find out that you use handkerchiefs... Its not even that I assume you would be gross like the people I described, but I feel like you'd be exactly like the kid I'm friends with from high school who uses them... Clearly its an OK thing if you two use them... (Think anyone else read through this whole thing?)...

Main Entry:	fantasy sport
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	any sports competition with imaginary teams which the participants own, manage, and coach and with the games based on statistics generated by actual players or teams of a professional sport; cf. {rotisserie league}
Usage:	sport

So today I've decided to do a post about people who play fantasy sports... While I am obviously going to make fun of them like I do the rest of the people I write about, I have to admit up front that I have dabbled in this world... But there are stages...

Like I said, Ive dabbled in this world, but my inspiration comes from a few friends I have who play like they were in the big leagues, minus the performance enhancing drugs... While this can be a fun little way to have some legal bets amongst friends and have an excuse for older men to go play at their friends houses and come home smelling like cigars... I think fantasy sports were created primarily for people who've realized it was about as close as they were ever going to get to that sport again... Well for them, and your typical sports fanatic with a gambling problem... For the rest of us giving up on our sports fantasies there is the office softball team and if you've become too immobile for that, I hear there are some pretty realistic Wii games out there...

Honestly I never would have realized how deep and dark the world of fantasy sports is had I not made friends with a kingpin of its underworld... My buddy Steve actually spent hard earned money on a fantasy baseball stat book that he studied for weeks prior to this seasons draft, I'm sure there are scouts out there that put in less time than he did... It was intriguing to watch study and basically copy down this entire book so that he could make the best possible team... And this was before the season had even started... Now he is finagling trades and watching games day in and day out... I imagine when you've slipped into this world ESPN supplies the only news you need, you pray to your team, and you carry around balls... You focus more attention on this than you ever did any test, or class in all your years at school and all for a small pot and bragging rights until next season...

On a level of James Dean to complete dork I'd give fantasy sports a solid 6.6... Its far enough away from video games, Anime, comic books, Star Trek, or wrestling that I cant give put it in the 8-10 range that they fall in. Plus it deals with actual sports so just because I'm a boy I have to allow it some cool points for that alone... Well, I'd love to stay and chat but there's this new anime comic book about Star Trek that I just got in the mail and I've been dying to read it... Later...

I went with pictures that show what my fantasy sports would look like...

Day 197--- Pass the Tissue's...

Today I have selected a group of people that I thought would have died out with the disappearance of the VHS tape at the very latest... I was mistaken, although there are not millions of them out there, a few still lurk the streets... If you guessed people who use handkerchiefs, you would not be mistaken...

Truly this is an nasal evacuation art-form that has the sanitation police everywhere up in arms. Nothing seems less appealing to me than carrying around something that I have blown my nose in, only to open it up again later and put my nose back where it doesn't belong... OK, for a brief moment I can understand the necessity back in the day prior to tissues and proper toilet paper, but that excuse is out the window... and so is my brief moment of understanding. I would honestly rather see someone straight up picking their nose, or wiping the snot on their sleeve than to know they are recycling snot rags... I know from first hand tissue experience that you have to be a very crafty individual to even get in 2 decent blows on a normal tissue. So how much unused area do you really have each time you go back to the hanky? Not much is the answer to that question...

The fact that people wash them after using grosses me out even more, granted, that is the point of the whole recycle-ability behind them. But just to think people are still tossing snot-caked napkins into the wash with the rest of their clothes is enough to make me dry heave. And I'm a pretty gross dude myself, plenty of people could attest to that I'm sure... But I don't think I could ever sink this low. I mean, what happens when they have a really ummm big one, how can they be OK putting that back into their pocket?... and what happens if it gets squished around in there? Ah, ew, imagine...

You may think that these things are only still used by old people, but nay. One of my very good friends from high school carried one around with him every day, and probably still does, he had a whole damn collection of these things, even a few with his initials on them... Yeah, he was hardcore. Having been friends with someone who frequented the pocket snot rocket socket, I know all too well that no amount of ridicule is going to slow these boogers down... We need to find another way to get people to stop using these things... Normal business thinking would tell us to just raise prices on them, but I imagine if they were really dedicated users they would form a black market, or start cutting up t-shirts and blankets. Maybe we could start issuing tickets, or citizens arrests, any ideas?... Cus' I'm out...

Day 196--- "Oh, That Looks Great On You..."

I fully appreciate all those of you who made it past the picture to read the last post... As shocking as it may seem there was not a whole lot of sweat-panted fatty's to choose from on the Internet. Sure I could have gone to any Denny's or Wal-Mart and taken at least 30 pictures of my own, but I was strapped for time... Today I have decided to post about a group of people that constantly, indirectly ruin my nights out... I speak of the girls who tell their friends that they look good in things that they don't...

You may not find that this is a huge problem, but on the contrary it is usually precisely that. As a general rule, most people start out their lives as semi-self conscious beings. Most girls will start out naturally covering things that should be covered, and typically don't start to hang loose until they get some coaching from their friends and peers... Questions such as "do I look OK in this?" or "does this make me look fat?" will no doubt be asked along the way... If answered honestly many of the ungodly clothing decisions could be thwarted Freshman year. However, most girls will lie to their friends, either to save feelings or out of pure convenience... Therefore these girls, who should not be wearing certain things get it into their minds that they still look good in skin tight, low cut, or high cut clothes even while pushing 250 Lbs... Ladies and gentlemen, this is a tragedy. I compare them to the people on the first few stages of American Idol who everyone makes fun of, no one wants to tell their friends or family that they suck at singing so they lie to them their whole lives, only to see them humiliated on national TV... This is what happens weekly at bars all across the world, people taking a nose-dive into social suicide with some of the outfits that they choose, all because no one wanted to be honest and say "you look like a cow, cover up a bit more," or "I'm lactose intolerant, lets cover up that cottage cheese". Honesty should be the number one policy...

I'm sure some of you are probably saying that guys are just as at fault as females. This is incorrect. Anyone who has ever met a female knows that guys are never allowed to be honest with them when it comes to clothing choices, we are given a very strict list of things we are allowed to say, and they are all positive... They frankly don't even really want our opinion, they just want us to say what they want to hear, which is obviously always going to be good... "No that does not make your butt look big, yes it makes your boobs look huge, no I cant tell that you have not shaved your legs for a week," and so on... I'm sure if you look in the rule to life there will be something very clearly outlining the males responsibility to a females/ girlfriends outfit somewhere in chapter one... Unless of course the guy friend is gay, then he is held to the same rules as any female friend, that's what he wants anyways.

Since this has been going on for years it is not going to be an easy thing to reverse, but I say that no time is better than the present to try... Preferably sometime before summer comes around and there are a plethora of mid-drifts that should be covered and are not, legs that should still be in long pants, and boobs that should be better supported... Just sayin...

Day 195--- Thanks for the Visual...

As I sit here in front of my computer I am actually shocked that I have made it to day 195 before this group made it into a post... I started my Improv class tonight, and amongst all the characters in the class there was one guy who was just begging to be written about. I could probably choose at least 5 characteristics that he possessed to write on, but for the sake of time I have narrowed it down to one... Men/overweight men, who wear sweatpants in public...

I've spent years in denial that people like this actually exist, tonight I found out just how real they are. As males we learn by about 12 or 13 that sweatpants are generally not for use outside the home. For a number of reasons mainly centering around the general package area, and the surprises that it can cause. This list covers everything from surprise drip-age to accidental excitement, all reasons that made it clear to me as a young man that I should probably reserve the ol sweatpants for home, and maybe the occasional Nascar event. At no age would I ever decide that these general rules stopped applying to me, but it is quite clear that Harry from Improv adheres to his own set of rules...

Sure this is something that I have seen a time or two before, but usually comes on a rare trip to Wal-Mart or while handing out bread at a homeless shelter. Never did I think that I would be graced with such up close and personal uninterrupted time with someone who finds these things to be legal. First of all, why are they always grey? Every time my presence has been graced with s.p. the wearer always seems to have also selected the color that will show every stain, drip, or indention that most other colors could attempt to camouflage. They also always seem to choose a size about 2 sizes too small, Harry's were so painted on that by the end of class everyone could have drawn up a topographical map of his "situation" from memory... And I don't even draw well... Not to mention the Mariana's trench of a wedgie that these things raped upon his backside, leaving nothing to the imagination...

What is it that has to happen in your life that makes you comfortable in public wearing sweatpants? I mean besides the obvious "comfort factor"... When is the point where you are just like, "F it! I'm busting out the sweatpants today and I don't care who sees me". Something tragic would have to happen to me before I reached the point where I cared this little about my appearance, I would sooner cut the nipples out of my shirt and go out than I would prance around town in some sweatpants. This is like mid-life crisis attire, or just plain crisis attire. This is still living in my mothers basement attire, 40 year old virgin attire, public master-bater attire. These pants are not politically correct, they are To Catch a Predator, threat level orange, but definitely not p.c.. But, when its all said and done I guess diversity is what makes us great right? The only thing I am worried about is that if that's what he wore on week one, what do I have to look forward to...

PS. I was shocked at the sheer lack of photo-graphical documentation that Google had to offer me on this subject, but apparently they were very interested in any picture that they could get of Britney Spears in sweats.