Day 148--- Cleanup on Aisle 10...

VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE.

I hope that you all still respect me now that you know about my history as a gangster... I understand that it may take some time for you to recover from that last post, but I have faith that you will manage... In the meantime I have created a new post to take your mind off of the last one. Today I am writing about a fun group of people that all of us want to see, but none of us want to be... "The couple's that fight in public"...

Now, I don't know about you, but I imagine if you are even the slightest bit like me that you love to see these couples when you are out... Not only are they excellent entertainment for everyone, but they are a gift from God, sent to remind us how normal "we" actually are... There is nothing that puts me in a better mood faster than seeing a bf and gf having "words" in produce... When I catch wind of one of these situations in progress you better believe that I position myself within earshot for the duration of the battle... Sometimes they are short lived, a quick one line low blow and its back to picking out apples. But every once in a lucky while I catch the "perfect" couple (in my sense of the word) who's opted to settle their domestic dispute at the neighborhood grocer. Oh boy do I love it when they do, if I had time to pop some popcorn and pull up a chair, I would... Nothing stops me from staring right at them, or even tailing them throughout the store if necessary, hey its a free country and I just so happen to enjoy my God given right to view domestic Battle Royale's whenever possible.

I cannot think of anything I would rather see to spice up an average trip to the store than a fight. On the list of things I enjoy watching that I shouldn't, this definitely takes first place, a close second goes to a parent/s getting pissed off at their kid and spanking them or yelling at them... (I was that kid, so I'm allowed to find it funny)...

You guys know that I am always trying to think of ways to make some more money or create a new business... And if you are new to my blog, I am always trying to think of a way to make money, or create a new business, there, now you know also. So I think I have a great new idea for a company, I am going to call it "Couples Gone Wild". First, I am going to buy myself a little Iflip camera, and carry it around with me at all times... Then as soon as I hear a scuffle start to abound I will sneak out my camera and film it, Candid Camera style... As soon as the fight is done, I rush over in excitement and give them each a shirt that says "Couples Gone Wild", with a big "CGW" stamp on the back, and a picture of Bobby and Whitney on the front... I tell them they can catch their video on Youtube, and someday on my own website. I then continue the excitement by tossing confetti into the air and rushing off toward the bread aisle, they are so excited by the shirts that they forget entirely what they were fighting about. Everyone wins... Obviously to get the most footage I will frequent Wal-Marts, K-Marts, and basically any other place with a "-Mart" in the name... That's not profiling, that is just using my noggin... Disclosure: I do not condone physical violence, violence is never the answer, but if it gets my videos more "hits"(pun intended) then it will be gently encouraged...

The sad part about guys and girls fighting in public, and trust me this is the only sad part. Is that the male never wins, even when we win we lose... The girls can be as brutal, as low blowing, and as personal as they want just to get there point across... But if we/guys say anything that even touches on reality then we are the assholes, and when you are called an asshole with a serious face that is an automatic loss... Somehow girls have found this magical loophole to win every fight/argument/disagreement, and the sooner we learn this as males, the better... Its sort of like when your gf/wife says "I'm thirsty", and you (without thinking) just react by walking to the fridge to get them what they want... Situation's reversed...

Me: "Oh boy I'm thirsty"...(10 minutes later)... "ah, I'm parched."... (another 10 min.)... "I could really use something to drink"...

The GF: " You know where the sink is".

I am just thankful that I learned by such a young age how it all works... That's why most of the time if I feel that a nice argument is on it's way, I will just fold and give in. Even though I am never wrong somehow by the end of the argument I would have been... I wonder how this whole phenomenon works out with gay couples... If they are dude's, then maybe they are both just wrong by default, or maybe they settle their differences with a little Roman Greco Wrestling, at least that's what I imagine them doing... How bout the lesbians, you know, the Ellen's, Rosie's, and Oprah's, of the world how do they settle their arguments... Because scientifically, females are always right, so this must be hard when two of them have a confrontation, its confusing, its like sticking a square peg in a round hole... I've got it!!! Maybe the one with the shorter hair is the wrong, makes total sense, the butchier and more manly one, duh... Cant believe I didn't think of this from the beginning...

So who else enjoys watching these social car wrecks? I don't know if that is fair though, I can drive by a car wreck and not look, I cant walk by a fighting couple and not look... They are more like social plane crashes, everyone wants to see at least one of those by the time they die... I don't really know why I am so enthralled by these things, maybe it reminds me of my childhood, maybe it is foreshadowing my future, whatever it is you cannot deny me of my pleasure... BUT, you can help me with it... I suggest you guys to all carry around camera phones and Iflips so you can email me any videos of fighting couples that I may have not had the fortune to witness first hand... So go, go now unto the world of grocery stores, family vacations, and shopping malls and see what you can find me...

Hey before you go... If you liked today's post, yesterdays post, any post you have seen in the past, or post you are anticipating in the future you should GO VOTE FOR ME IN THIS CONTEST I AM IN, BECAUSE I LIKE WINNING AND I AM A SORE LOSER AND I WILL FIND YOU IF YOU DONT AND OTHER POTENTIALLY BAD THINGS. THIS WHOLE THING IS A LINK, DOCUMENTED BY THE DIFFERENT COLORED FONT. THE VOTING AREA IS ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE BLOG IT TAKES YOU TO, I AM 365DAYSOFPEOPLE. GRACIAS, MERCI, GRAZIE.

Day 147--- Neighborhood's Most Wanted...

VOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTEVOTE

As promised by me, and therefore anticipated by you today is the day that I am to reveal one of my deepest childhood memories. After countless hours spent scouring the archives of my mind I have found the story best suited to share. I've sifted through hundreds of class clowning tales and potentially embarrassing moments, but I have decided to go with a story that better showcases my years on the darkside...

Years ago when I was but a boy being formally introduced to the splendors of puberty I led a double life. Not one of the admirable double lives lived by an agent or an undercover officer, but the life of a hardened gangster. Yes, you read correctly, I was a regular old Ryan Dillinger. Go ahead and laugh it up, but what you obviously don't realize is that life was hard in Cedar Park, Texas (a suburb of Austin) for a brotha like myself. (Brotha = 12 year old, straight A's, Christian home, white boy. And not like Eminem white boy, more like Charlie Brown white boy)... In reality the most gangsta thing I had been involved in up to this point was wearing a gold cross necklace and occasionally (when my dad was absent) flipping my hat backwards.

Looking back I am truly unaware of the initial inspiration that caused Aaron, Jeremy, and I to form our little clan; maybe it was out of sheer boredom, you can only play a certain amount of hide and seek, front yard football, and video games before you crack you know. Perhaps one of us had recently watched Reservoir Dogs, or it may have even been the countless hours of Coolio and Bone Thugs N Harmony that we had flooded onto mix tapes. All I know for sure is that I was now in the "Wood Ridge Posse", and that meant that I was part of something.

Truth be told we were about as hard as the Little Rascals, I may have even put money on them over us in a street fight, but at least we had a very thoughtful name... Most kids our age would have gone with the obvious "gang" ending but we must have done some thesaurus work in order to sound a bit more intelligent. For the first part we were going to go with the name of the street we lived on, but were worried that would lead the authorities straight to us. We wanted to be a bit more evasive, so we settled on Wood Ridge, which was a street name almost two blocks away... Tricky, I know... You can tell by the extreme ghetto twang to the street name that we lived in quite the rough area. (Rough area = Safest neighborhood in town short of having a gate.)

Once we had voted on the name we were pretty much set, there were no other kids our age, so we never got around to initiations. In fact, since there were no other kids our age we didn't even get to have any rival gang fights. For a while it seemed as though nothing had really changed, we had a new fancy name for ourselves, but that really made us more like musketeers, than gang bangers, but one day that all changed. Aaron (the older one, so technically the leader, but more so in brawn than brains) had discovered a priceless little gem called chromies, well, to you they are tire valve covers, but to us they were chromies. Apparently all the great gangs of the world had gotten their feet wet in the underworld by stealing these little guys off of peoples cars. Apparently I would also believe anything people told me at that age. Now, I normally was not a follower, I colored out side of lines, I peed sitting down, and I mixed Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper, all the things that James Dean would have done. But since I had formed a pact and pledged my life to my new brotherhood, I decided that I too would have to steal said chromies...

We started off small time hitting up our cul-de-sac first, we didn't want to really branch out until we had the hang of things, you know righty-tighty, lefty-loosey... We had quite the system worked out, one of us would go unscrew, while the other two would stand as lookouts... OK, the system wasn't really that intricate, but boy did it work, we could have had our own mini-series.... "Ocean's 3"... Can you see it???

Once we got really brave we liked to post up at the Model Home around the corner... It was the perfect arena for our little heists... The model boasted a large yard with a playground adjacent to the parking lot, it wasn't the busiest spot on earth, but we worked with it. We would be playing football and "accidentally" land the ball near the cars... Once again using a similar system in regards to the whole lookout situation... This parking lot became our Bellagio... Tens of unsuspecting car owners went home with a little less chrome, and a little less air when they left our turf...

We were moving up in the world, pulling off jobs nearly everyday after school and homework... We would divvy our our loot amongst us and take it our separate ways... I have no idea what the others did with their chromies, but I hid mine inside a little Yahtzee travel case that I'd had for years. The parents would never look there... As far as being found out, not a chance, we had perfected our work, the neighborhood had no idea what had hit them. Literally, I guarantee you they didn't even realize they had been hit. There was no way that we were ever going to be found out... Until one day...

One day when my mother and I were headed home from school, she looked over at me and said, "Ryan I am so proud of you and the young man you are becoming, you're doing so well in school, and you've been really well behaved lately...". (Not common for me at that age)

She didn't get much further before I folded like a beach chair with Oprah in it, "No, No I'm not mom," crying by this point " I am not as good as you think, I've actually been really bad recently..." And then explained the past few months...

By the time I was done with my explanation, needless to say she was a little less proud than she was before... She has never admitted to me, but I imaging she must have thought it was a bit funny as well... I mean here I am thinking I'm the next Al Capone when in reality I am just stealing upgraded valve covers, .$25 cent plastic substitutions. Oh to be a kid again...

When we got home she called Aaron and Jeremy's parents, our punishment was to take back the ones we could remember where they came from... I only vividly remember one house, the dude had an Acura NSX, so the chromies had a specific little design on them. When we got to his door and explained what we had done, I think the guy did everything he could to keep from laughing at us... But, we learned our lesson, well, at least I did. I can proudly tell you that I have been gang free for the past 13 years. After the humiliation of returning those chromies I suddenly lost the desire to steal...

You may ask what we planned to do with the chromies had we continued collecting them, and to that I say, I have no clue, just feel fortunate that you did not park your car in my neighborhood...

Now if you enjoyed this post, or even if you didnt, GO VOTE FOR ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!

The rundown, if you have not been following my blog... I am in a bit of a blogger contest... Follow the link above and vote on the right hand side for your favorite post this week...

Day 146--- Faux Glasses...

First off I just want to encourage everyone who comes by today to come back tomorrow to check out my post for week two of the Blogger Idol. The topic will be a story from my childhood, I have not decided what I am going to write about just yet but I assure you that it will more than likely be funny, embarrassing, and self incriminating in some way or another... It will undoubtedly give you some form of insight to why I am the way that I am, well, if you are a Psychologist it will, if you are just an average reader you will probably just think I am effed up... If you are an avid follower of my blog, or really even if you have gotten lost here more than once, I would love as much support as I can get. If you could just send people my way any time between Sunday and Wednesday to check out my post and vote for me I will love you forever, in return I will post a shout out blog of some form to send people your way... (Just have them name drop you in a comment, or come by and name drop yourself)... This is the extent of my self promotion at this point, but I find word of mouth to have been fairly successful at this point...

Today I have decided to post about a group of people that really are not all that annoying, in fact you probably wouldn't notice them if you ran into them. But I assure you there are at least a few people on earth who would wear fake prescription glasses. In fact, I was one of these weirdos for almost a year of my life... In my defense, I had so many of my friends tell me that I looked smart, and this was obviously something I was not used to. Also in my defense, I did not purchase the glasses, one of my roommates had bought them from Urban Outfitters, and I pretty much confiscated them the moment he got home with them. I had wanted to wear glasses my entire life, because, well, I thought they made me look smart too. But I was cursed with 20/15 (apparently better than perfect or something) vision so I had never been fortunate enough to make a life altering trip to Eye Masters. I don't know what it is about glasses that made me want them, I certainly was no sexy librarian, but every time I put them on a feeling of invisibility and invincibility came over me. I was ready to rule the world in these things. I know I'm strange, its time you all realize this as well.

I understand that wearing glasses essentially made out of clear plastic is stupid, its sort of like using a cane if you don't need one. Well, come to think of it pimps do that, maybe wearing glasses when you don't need them can be the whitey pimp cane, not cool enough?... Its funny looking back on it now, (really this was only like 3 years ago)... there were plenty of times I accidentally left the house without the glasses and had to run home to get them, causing me to be a few minutes late to work. They kinda became a mini obsession, they made me superman, and I was only Clark Kent without them. All of my friends knew that they were fakes, and sure they would tease me about them, if I ever showed up somewhere without them they would say "can you see OK?" and other shit like that... I wouldn't expect any less from them... I think if anything wearing those things for about a year my vision may have gotten worse, but I was on top of the world with those things so I didn't care.

Allow me to take the focus off of myself for a second, these glasses came from a very popular fashion store. Which leads me to believe that I was not the only person sneaking through New York City in fraudulent glasses. And if they were sold in New York then they must have trickled down through the rest of middle America, someone you know may very well be wearing a pair of glasses with less magnification than a window. How embarrassing, while at the same time, how stylish...

The conclusion of this blog is a sad one. Valentines Day, two or three years ago, probably two but to distance myself from this phase as much as I can we will say three. OK, so three years ago, on Valentines day, I was working a promotional event in the city. Handing out KY jelly to people in the cold February wind, but hey I was paid like $200 a day and I was with friends so I wasn't complaining. Anyways, we were right outside of Madison Square Garden, there was some sort of event going on so we were posted up there waiting for the crowd. I had my trusty glasses, nothing else was necessary. I stepped out of the van that we were using for the event, and the glasses fell off my face and onto the ground. Now they had fallen before so this was not the worst part, the worst part was that I was already in motion to step my ass out of the van, and my foots target area just so happened to be the spot that my glasses had decided to land. Therefore crushing the only facial-wear that I had ever loved. As funny as this may seem to you, for me it felt as though I had just crushed both of my prosthetic legs and arms at the same time. I had grown so sickly attached to these damn things I think I actually felt a bit sick to my stomach, I knew when I reached down and pulled up two pieces that our love affair was over. The few people who I was working with, who knew the history of the glasses found it quite funny, I however wanted to go on sick leave. I made it through the rest of the night and decided to laugh it off, I knew that there would never be a pair as great as my first ones so I didn't even attempt to look...

I look back now and laugh at myself, I was fully aware the whole time I had them that I would have been making fun of anyone else for wearing them. But I am a huge ass hypocrite so that's all good... Now that I don't have my fake glasses anymore, besides having a very bare face I am once again allowed to openly make fun of those who wear them. So please let me know if any of you have friends or family members who do this, or have done this. So that I can make fun of them/feel more normal for my old obsession...

Yes, that is me in the pictures. I had to show you the glasses.

Day 145--- Join the Colbert Nation...

Right now I am wishing that I hadn't narrowed my blog to just writing about people, because I could definitely have a few words for the 10 inches of snow on my porch. A year ago today I had just arrived for my six month hiatus in Hawaii and this year I will be spending the remainder of my winter/spring in the snow raped Midwest, oh the things we do for love. Anyways, I guess its about time for another blog, I hope no one minds... I decided to do a blog on a celebrity today, its my blog so I pretty much reserve all creative rights. Usually I write about celebs that I hate or at least that slightly annoy me, but this time I have decided to make it a praise blog. Only because I love this person so much that I literally could not go another day without blogging about him. Stephen Colbert...

First of all, if you guys have never watched his show on Comedy Central you need to get with the program and join "The Nation". This dude is a riot, I have honestly never seen anyone as quick and witty as him...

It has taken Stephen nearly 20 years to get to the point he is at now, but from what I learned it has been quite the ride for him. He started in his comedic ways early as the youngest of 11 children, his first real gig was with the Chicago improv group "The Second City", spent some time writing for SNL (obviously back when it was funny). Colbert most recently spent five years as a correspondent on the Daily Show with John Stewart, I have a feeling John secretly kicked him off when he realized that Colberts popularity had surpassed his... On his show, "The Colbert Report" he plays an extremely biased right wing character highlighting every stereotype that they are known for. In my opinion he has nearly perfected this persona, most of the time he stays in character without so much as cracking a smile... He holds interviews with all of the political figures that he can get his hands on (my favorite part) from Supreme Court Judges to lobbyist. He will ask the most radical questions that he can think of, but a majority of the people will still try and answer not realizing that he is making fun of them. (example provided below)... I really could go on and on about how funny and life changing the show is but I think it would be better for you if you just went and checked it out for yourself. If you really take a liking to it, as most people with brains do, then you can find a few past episodes on Hulu.com... Don't, say I never gave you anything...

The only downside to the show is that it is only 25 minutes long, they freakin give Oprah an hour, I think something with substance such at "The Colbert Report" should get much more air time, but I never get what I want...

My real hope with the topic of today's blog is that somehow it will get back to Colbert and he will choose to sponsor my blog like he did the U.S. men's ice skating team. A gesture that landed him on the cover of Sports Illustrated in December. OK I know this post will never make it back to him, I just felt it would be a nice tie in. I'll promise to end this post if you promise to check out his show.... Deal?

as promised.

I also recommend his book, "I Am America and So Can You"...

Day 144--- Stop That Man, He's Got My Underwear...

For today's post I have selected a group of people that probably primarily works alone. But I bet you they hold conferences and meetings in cities across the world to better hone in on their talents. Today I call the rest of us together to help catch the "laundromat bandit".

If you have never had to wash your clothes at a public or shared (roommate) facility, now is the time to consider yourself lucky. I have not been quite as fortunate, having your own washer and dryer in a NYC apartment is about as rare as a music video on MTV. Put it this way, if I could have afforded an apartment with these luxuries, then I could have also afforded to have someone else wash my clothes by hand. Needless to say I have spent countless hours watching, waiting, and Sudokuing it up at my local "mat". (That's what I call it for short, mainly just because I hate how they spell laundromat), but anyways... There are times, when you live close enough, that you just throw your clothes in and run home to do other chores, or around the neighborhood for some errands... It takes time to become comfortable enough to do this in New York, but I eventually did... I will assure you however that this over comfortable-ness ended up costing me a time or two...

Before I mention the outright bandits, let me first mention the impatient bastards that will stalk your washer or dryer. If you are not there ready to remove your clothes the exact second they are finished, these douches will. There are not many situations that make me feel uncomfortable in life, however, the "mat" holds two of those situations. One, when you walk in on someone pulling your wet/or freshly cleaned clothes out of appliance that has just finished. And two, when you are the guy who is expected to pull out the persons clothes who has not come back yet. I'm not that guy, but I have been labeled weak by those who expect me to just pull some 65 year olds drawers out of the machine. The first situation is worse though, I usually know about how much time my clothes are going to need, so I am back right on time if not minutes early. However more than once I have come back to someone digging my things out and putting them into a cart, the thing is, in NY they look at you like you're the asshole. SO I've brushed my shoulders off and just finished helping them. I have also come back a time or two when the job was already done. This is when the bandits have the most time to strike...

There is nothing like knowing that someone in your neighborhood is going to be walking around in your favorite shirt or a new hoodie. Its like the involuntary Salvation Army, maybe they had seen me around and thought to themselves, "gee, that would look better on me". Thus stalking me until the day I finally washed my belongings, (guaranteed they were waiting a while) showing up at the "mat" just in time to snag away my clothes. Maybe it took them multiple tries to make sure I was not coming back in time, maybe they opened the dryer and didn't even wait the full cycle, maybe they even got a team involved. You know Oceans Eleven style, I guarantee there were a few homeless men for hire in the area, maybe they even threw in an extra pair of my socks to sweeten the deal... All I know is that people like jacking my shit from the "mat" and yet I still wont sit there the whole time. Its robbery enough that they want to charge me $4.00 for a small load and $.25 for seven seconds of drying, but who is counting... And you have to love the numerous signs around the place, "we are not responsible for any lost or stolen items", (although 1-8 of those words would probably be misspelled in their version)... Of course you are not responsible, you are probably in on the job, its always an inside job these days, every one is a suspect...

I know there is a slim chance that I accidentally left some of my things stuck inside the machine, but I say nay. I have become quite crafty in the washing machine reach around, I know all of the crevasses that they like to hide my things, I am a thorough checker. Again in my defense there was quite the homeless person cartel in Hell's Kitchen, one dude, I suspected him to be there "Godfather", actually seemed to run his operations out of the "mat" sometimes on cold or rainy days. He would sit in there with his cart of stuff/shit, and other people-homes, would come see him and exchange things with him. I always wanted to go through his stuff to see if there was a chance that he had "accidentally" swiped my clothes mistaking them for his. But when you steal back from the homeless guy, who really looks like the ass? ...

So my warning to all of you out there, if you are ever living or traveling in situations where you have a run in with the "mat", be prepared to stick around and see it through, or prepare to have a lighter load when you leave. Or, for the fun of it, go in with a friend, but don't let on that you are with them. Then you leave, and have the friend sit there and watch. This could be extremely uneventful if nothing happens, which is about 98% of the time. But if you are really unlucky/lucky then it will be the perfect way to catch them red handed. Booooya.

Until next time....