Day 195--- Thanks for the Visual...

As I sit here in front of my computer I am actually shocked that I have made it to day 195 before this group made it into a post... I started my Improv class tonight, and amongst all the characters in the class there was one guy who was just begging to be written about. I could probably choose at least 5 characteristics that he possessed to write on, but for the sake of time I have narrowed it down to one... Men/overweight men, who wear sweatpants in public...

I've spent years in denial that people like this actually exist, tonight I found out just how real they are. As males we learn by about 12 or 13 that sweatpants are generally not for use outside the home. For a number of reasons mainly centering around the general package area, and the surprises that it can cause. This list covers everything from surprise drip-age to accidental excitement, all reasons that made it clear to me as a young man that I should probably reserve the ol sweatpants for home, and maybe the occasional Nascar event. At no age would I ever decide that these general rules stopped applying to me, but it is quite clear that Harry from Improv adheres to his own set of rules...

Sure this is something that I have seen a time or two before, but usually comes on a rare trip to Wal-Mart or while handing out bread at a homeless shelter. Never did I think that I would be graced with such up close and personal uninterrupted time with someone who finds these things to be legal. First of all, why are they always grey? Every time my presence has been graced with s.p. the wearer always seems to have also selected the color that will show every stain, drip, or indention that most other colors could attempt to camouflage. They also always seem to choose a size about 2 sizes too small, Harry's were so painted on that by the end of class everyone could have drawn up a topographical map of his "situation" from memory... And I don't even draw well... Not to mention the Mariana's trench of a wedgie that these things raped upon his backside, leaving nothing to the imagination...

What is it that has to happen in your life that makes you comfortable in public wearing sweatpants? I mean besides the obvious "comfort factor"... When is the point where you are just like, "F it! I'm busting out the sweatpants today and I don't care who sees me". Something tragic would have to happen to me before I reached the point where I cared this little about my appearance, I would sooner cut the nipples out of my shirt and go out than I would prance around town in some sweatpants. This is like mid-life crisis attire, or just plain crisis attire. This is still living in my mothers basement attire, 40 year old virgin attire, public master-bater attire. These pants are not politically correct, they are To Catch a Predator, threat level orange, but definitely not p.c.. But, when its all said and done I guess diversity is what makes us great right? The only thing I am worried about is that if that's what he wore on week one, what do I have to look forward to...

PS. I was shocked at the sheer lack of photo-graphical documentation that Google had to offer me on this subject, but apparently they were very interested in any picture that they could get of Britney Spears in sweats.

Day 194--- Like A Thief in the Night...

Today a friend posted something on Facebook that reminded me about a group of people that has driven me insane my entire life... With the thoughts of those memories fresh on my mind I decided that writing a post on the subject was only natural, so here we are. I call them; food snatchers...

Straight to the point, these are the people without manners or dignity that will basically walk up and help themselves to a bit of your food, without even asking... Now, I am not talking about a total stranger and I am assuming this does not happen much outside the food industry and high school, but ever since I was 14 these people have driven me nuts... I remember in middle school, my first had a few encounters with these lawless people... (If you cant tell by now I am very protective of my food). These people have worked out some sort of system that when they are in an environment with enough people eating that they can buy absolutely nothing and go home full... In middle school and high school they went around and picked off stray french fries and chicken nuggets. They worked each persons plate just well enough that anyone would look like a selfish fat bastard if they told them to bug off, and since they lack any form of shame they could just scour the table like a buzzard and eat to their hearts desire... Like I said before I am protective of my food, which basically means that there were no spares, no left overs, no extras for some cheap ass buzzard to come pick off. No, I wanted all six of my nuggets thank you very much... Yet day in and day out they would syphon away 1 tenth of my meal... It was amazing how even they were the ones who would just grab onto other peoples plates that they could make me feel like the cheap bastard if I gave them a look or made a smart comment about them needing to buy their own shit...

After middle school and high school, I thought that these people had pretty much become tame and throughout the years managed to blend into society... Not true, and I found this out the hard way whilst working in the food industry... Ordering and eating on the go is kind of the way you take breaks when you work in a restaurant, at least all of the ones that I have worked in pretty much run this way. So in the break area there is almost always a dish of something that someone is coming back to try and eat when they are not busy... This is the perfect opportunity for the "food snatchers" to usher themselves back into society... And oh boy did one girl in particular make a name for herself at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. Times Sq... Sure, names are irrelevant, but Brandi was the most ruthless french fry and shrimp assassin known to man, so she deserves her name in Blog-istory... If you left your food unattended on a shift with her, it would be no shock to come back to your plate with half the food missing. I honestly tried to avoid buying any finger food when she was there, I liked to think that deterred her every now and then. And when I talk about lack of shame I mean, zero, if she wanted some of your fries and you had not used any ketchup, she would just squirt it out right there on your plate and murder your shit. If you walked back and she was eating your stuff she would just look at you like - thats right bitch, say something... I hated it, everyone hated it, but in order to be the bigger people none of us ever said anything... I worked there for 4 years, and we had a staff of around 100 servers at a time, and as long as she had seen you more than once, your meal was fair game... We all made these secret little jokes like it would be politically incorrect to actually say something, it would be like we were automatically calling her a fat retarded Jew if we just said "hey will you hop off my food for a while, cheers"... Its this ass backward thinking that has made this world a bunch of wieners, me included... Its like I cant say anything to the homeless man pissing on my stoop because he is homeless and he cant help it, but I also cant piss on the bench that he sleeps on or I'm the asshole... Doesn't make any sense I tell you... Well Id better wrap up before I take this post off the political deep end... And make less sense than I did to begin with...

Moral of the story is to just buy your own damn food. If I would have wanted to share, I promise you I would have offered... But as long as my fat ass is paying for the food you can bet that I will be licking the plate clean... For those of you who have never had this happen, you either have always surrounded yourself with people who have eating disorders, or people who have manners... I have not been so fortunate...

Day 193--- Assistant To the Regional Manager...

This is going to be the first time I have posted two days in a row in far too long... When I think back I cant believe that I posted these things everyday for like 125 days straight... Gotta get back in the groove... If you have ever worked a day in your life you have no doubt encountered today's bags of douche... They have been given so very many names over the years but today I shall start by referring to them as the power trippers....

A majority of the time these people will come in the form of a manager of some sort, whether they be higher or lower on the totem pole is really irrelevant to the stimulation that even the slightest taste of power will give these people... If you have ever worked in retail, the food industry, or any other business with a pyramid scheme of bosses you know exactly what I am talking about... For these half-breeds it does not even matter if they are just filling in as a supervisor for a day, their true colors are sure to come out at some point... I have not run any studies, but it is my strong belief that these people were the ones who grew up with no friends... And if there were people that pretended to like them, then they most certainly were not given any power in the friendship, no choosing what to play, what to watch, what to eat... They basically had the follow the other kids around just to be accepted into a group... They lived this way up through high school, always following never having the chance to lead, not even being selected to pick first in Heads-Up Seven-Up... They float out into the workplace with the same set of skills, accept for once you are working where they want you to follow, it actually starts getting them noticed... Before you know it they are asked (because of their attention to following rules and all that stuff that cool people don't do) if they would like a spot on the management team, basically to help enforce the rules from another angle. Without hesitation they accept, spawning one of the most evil beings known to man...

Instantly they squeeze every once of power that they can out of their new position... No doubt making up a set of nonsense bullshit rules along the way... There is a good chance that these people will also be huge advocates of busy-work, something I have never been a fan of... You could be completely done with all necessary work and standing a round for a breath, when they will come say something snarky like "we are not paying you to stand around, why don't you find something to do?"... To which I would like to reply, "Blow me" but I have learned the hard way they may be allowed to fire you. In case you are still confused, the most famous power tripper that comes to mind is Dwight from The Office... If you know the show you know the bit about him being assistant to the regional manager, but he always says assistant regional manager, yeah you get it...

See I have been a manager before and thankfully I didn't slip into this territory, I found that giving respect, you get it, and people will be much more willing to help out and do shit when you ask them... Rather than fake it when they see you coming and then go right back to doing nothing when you are gone... I think that these P.T.'s must not realize that this is exactly what we all do... We nod, act like we are going to pick something up, take out the trash, run food, fold something, but as soon as you look the other way our thumbs are right back up our asses, where they belong...

Day 192--- Skinny Chance...

Over the past couple of weeks I have been taking some time to organize my life as much as I can, which has not given me much blogging time. But it has given me a lot of time to think of some great new topics, that should be coming out in over the next few months. As a part of my organization I have been working out daily with the P90x workout program, doing that has reminded me how nice it would be to be naturally skinny. In a world obsessed with weight, and figure I decided it was about time I wrote about some people in the weight world that bug me, by no fault of their own... So bend over and take it in your naturally skinny butt...

Metabolism is a word that I want to punch in the face. Seriously if metabolism ever came close to me I wouldn't even have to be drunk to hit him right between the eyes. Lucky for me, I don't think I will have to worry about him coming anywhere near. Growing up, even at a young age I was the kid who had to watch what I ate and work out all the time, being that kid starting at 9 has given me a long time to form a proper resentment towards the naturally skinny. Now, I don't hate them personally, but I hate everything that they stand for. Which is pretty much just eating whatever they want and not gaining weight, I have actually met people who seem to lose weight the more that they eat... For instance, my little brother. The kid is about 5 ft 11 and weighs 126lbs, however he can and does out eat me any time we are together. He is always eating, and he does not skimp on portion sizes yet he seems to be smaller each time I see him... Apparently he got all the metabolism that we should have split. Thanks gene pool...

I think I could get over all of this and live happily ever after if I was not constantly bombarded with TV ads for medicines that will essentially turn me into one of them. It makes me feel like such a non human that I should have to take a pill if I just want my body to do what it is supposed to do. "Here you go, take Relicore and your body will actually break down food like it is supposed to, monthly supply is only $299.99".

You know what... Come to think of it I may have just been born in the wrong time period... Because I am pretty sure back in the day, hefty people were actually the coolest. Back when a beer belly and a fat neck was a sign of wealth, I think that is when I was supposed to be born. When all of the magazines had those pale bastards as centerfolds, and when eating a whole turkey leg at dinner was not frowned upon. Yeah, I think that is when I was meant to be born. My what a joke God played on me.

I recently read somewhere that naturally skinny people are more likely to go bald or grey before the rest of us... I don't mean to worry those of you that may happen across this blog, but that is something that you have to look forward too. Actually I just made that up to make myself feel better for a moment, and it worked.

I figured Id cap this off with a list of celebrities who are not naturally skinny... Just to remind us we can all still be rich and famous...

1. Star Jones

2. Randy Jackson

3. Oprah Winfrey

4. Al Roker

5. Kirstie Alley

6. Kevin Federline

7. Mariah Carey

8. Elvis

9. That subway sandwich dude.

10. Kevin Smith

Btw, just to update those of you who've been following me a while... I'm finally working on editing the book that I wrote back in August, you should all be thrilled, because once it is done I may send a few of my most devoted followers an early copy to get their take on it... (Short and funny so don't worry)... I start a second job and my improv class next week, which will hopefully open some doors stand-up wise, so I am stoked about that. Other than that just wanted to thank you guys for keeping up, even though my busy-ness has cut down my frequency I still promise to keep this going. Cheers.

Day 191--- Recycling Gone Wrong...

In this day and age, when politicians would have you believe that we are running out of trees, water, and air the global community has all started to become a bit more conscious about what they waste. We recycle bottles, cans, pizza boxes, and anything else that we might be able to re-use. I get this, I recycle, and I feel nice about doing my part I really do, but the line I draw is with these next people... Plastic bag re-users...

Like I said before I am all for recycling, but where do you draw the line? About 8 or so years ago, before places sold re-usable bags, and before places would charge you extra to use their bags, (at least in the US) I used to work at a grocery store as a cashier that allowed me to have a very brief, yet interesting look into peoples lives. Some may even think this is where I began my people judging abilities, but that was actually somewhere between wound and first step I'm sure. ANYways, obviously I got to see so much diversity between people where I worked, but one of the groups of people that always stuck out to me were the people who insisted on re-using their bags... Their were really only select few of these bag-huggers back then, so when I had them through my line once I never forgot who they were. You see, these people weren't just about recycling, no no no, they were about some OCD irrational lifestyle that just so happened to present itself in the form of 9 year old, non-gently used bags.

They were the kind of people who would lean way over the counter to make sure that I was not injecting their fruits and veggies with some sort of wasteful venom. They would hound me item after item, telling me what needs to be bagged with what. To which I, on more than one occasion would say, "would you just like to come over here and do this, it may be easier that way." (Hey I wasn't four-star cashier for nothin)... These were the people that were stuck in the lifestyle somewhere between a hippie, paranoid schizophrenic, and a hoarder. I bet I could follow them home to find 7 cars in their front yard, and every piece of paper they had ever touched piled throughout their house. So while some people see the re-use of plastic bags as a noble thing to help save plastic trees, I see it as a sickness, and if it is not a full-blown sickness just yet, it is at least the gateway drug to other crazy behavior. You start out saving plastic bags, next thing you know you are 56 years old, single, and have somehow managed to house 13 cats at once.

So take this as a warning. Don't stop recycling, but I suggest finding other uses for those trusty ol bags just to keep you on the safe side... You could pick up dog poo with them, even if its not from your dog, I suggest you pick it up so I don't step in it. You could use it as a trash bag. That's what I do... go me. You could save it for one of those nights that you bring home a butterface, poke a few holes to let her breath and you are good to go. I have heard that they like the plastic way more than the paper bags, which makes sense, too many of them were getting thick ass paper cuts on their neck and shoulders. Give them to a homeless person, they are always looking for new luggage. Pack a lunch in it. Tie them over your shoes in a rainstorm.... OK I'm reaching now... bedtime...

Disclaimer. Im sure we would be better off just not using them at all, but they are cheap, and so are companies, and humans so I don't see that happening any time soon.