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Everyone has that one noise that for some unexplainable reason irks them to the core. For some people it may be nails on a chalkboard, for others it may be silverware scraping on a plate, I have even heard tales of people who are annoyed by the very sound of people chewing. Even with their mouths closed, crazy I know... To me the sound of someone snoring makes the rest of the annoying sounds of the world sound like a soothing piece of classical music. This is why I've decided to finally write about the snore-ers of the world...
I must first admit that I have been told that I snore every now and again, but since I am a hypocrite and also presumably asleep during these happenings it does not bother me in the least... I don't know where exactly this hate of the sound came from, I don't remember being taunted as a child by some snoring monster. As far back as I can remember though the sound has just made me want to throw the person causing the sound out the window. When I lived in NY I had a roommate who I shared a room with (it was NY, this is semi-normal when rent for a 1 br is $2,000) who managed to snore louder than any human should. I believe this is where I really refined my hatred and my use of the "pillow to the face" shut up technique. I would grab the end of my pillow, twirl it to make it more weapon-like, and then swing for the fences. Typically I would fire a warning shot at the bed just to get him to stir and reposition himself, sometimes as you may know this is all it takes to shut them up... However, sometimes this is not enough, this is when he would end up with a face-full of down-pillow. This typically would shut him up just long enough for me to fall asleep... The worst was when I was living in Hawaii though, my roommate in the next room, separated by paper thin walls would come home piss drunk and pass out. Thus typically causing just enough noise for me to wake up and wait for the snoring to commence... I literally would have to play beat the clock to fall back asleep before he did, because I could hear him plain as day through those crappy walls. I know an Ipod is typically an easy fix, but for some reason as I get older its harder for me to sleep with headphones in...
What is it that makes people snore, there are all these ads on TV that claim to help prevent or stop snoring, yet I am still being haunted around every corner... My girlfriend claims that head angle prevents it, I am skeptical. I am beginning to think that the only thing that will truly work is me putting a pillow over their face and sitting on it... If this wasn't so wrong it may be one of the most satisfying things ever, think of it as cutting out the nails that haunt your chalkboard nightmares, or doing away with the annoyance of Styrofoam all together... I personally think that I just have some sort of mental problem, I know that I should be able to ignore the sound like I do with many other annoying sounds in the room or outside, but this one is just magnified. It can be a simple moan snore, all the way to the growl snore, even unnecessary heavy breathing can be classified as an annoying snore to me... It could be across the room, and my head can be tucked between two pillows but somehow I can hear it like it was right there, especially if it is of the growl category, those ones I can actually feel shaking my bed... (I told you I had problems)... The snore will actually end up giving me a head ache because I am thinking about it so much... When trying to figure out why I hate it so much one of my thoughts is that there is no rhythm to the average persons snore, its off beat and therefore can not be predicted... I think I can deal with music or a drip or things of that nature because they are typically more constant and have a pattern... Although this is probably just me trying to justify my crazyness...
I am going to invent a soundproof helmet for myself... I just have not figured out if I am going to wear it to keep sound out or if I am going to force others to wear it to keep their sounds in... I guess it all depends on how comfortable I make it... Look for the infomercials, coming Winter 2010... You know what else I might produce, snore collars, you know, like the bark collars they have for dogs that shock them when they get to loud... I think a snore collar would make a pretty good gift for anyone like me to get their loud spouses or roommates... Man I might end up loving snoring with all the potential money it could make me... Ha, a snore collar, so simple I cant believe the Snuggie bastard didn't think of it first... Can you guys think of any other fixes for snorers??? Does this bother anyone else as much as it does me? Or am I like the lone crazy dude on this one??? Well, let me know, I'm gonna get down to my laboratory and work on my new products...
