Day 191--- Recycling Gone Wrong...

In this day and age, when politicians would have you believe that we are running out of trees, water, and air the global community has all started to become a bit more conscious about what they waste. We recycle bottles, cans, pizza boxes, and anything else that we might be able to re-use. I get this, I recycle, and I feel nice about doing my part I really do, but the line I draw is with these next people... Plastic bag re-users...

Like I said before I am all for recycling, but where do you draw the line? About 8 or so years ago, before places sold re-usable bags, and before places would charge you extra to use their bags, (at least in the US) I used to work at a grocery store as a cashier that allowed me to have a very brief, yet interesting look into peoples lives. Some may even think this is where I began my people judging abilities, but that was actually somewhere between wound and first step I'm sure. ANYways, obviously I got to see so much diversity between people where I worked, but one of the groups of people that always stuck out to me were the people who insisted on re-using their bags... Their were really only select few of these bag-huggers back then, so when I had them through my line once I never forgot who they were. You see, these people weren't just about recycling, no no no, they were about some OCD irrational lifestyle that just so happened to present itself in the form of 9 year old, non-gently used bags.

They were the kind of people who would lean way over the counter to make sure that I was not injecting their fruits and veggies with some sort of wasteful venom. They would hound me item after item, telling me what needs to be bagged with what. To which I, on more than one occasion would say, "would you just like to come over here and do this, it may be easier that way." (Hey I wasn't four-star cashier for nothin)... These were the people that were stuck in the lifestyle somewhere between a hippie, paranoid schizophrenic, and a hoarder. I bet I could follow them home to find 7 cars in their front yard, and every piece of paper they had ever touched piled throughout their house. So while some people see the re-use of plastic bags as a noble thing to help save plastic trees, I see it as a sickness, and if it is not a full-blown sickness just yet, it is at least the gateway drug to other crazy behavior. You start out saving plastic bags, next thing you know you are 56 years old, single, and have somehow managed to house 13 cats at once.

So take this as a warning. Don't stop recycling, but I suggest finding other uses for those trusty ol bags just to keep you on the safe side... You could pick up dog poo with them, even if its not from your dog, I suggest you pick it up so I don't step in it. You could use it as a trash bag. That's what I do... go me. You could save it for one of those nights that you bring home a butterface, poke a few holes to let her breath and you are good to go. I have heard that they like the plastic way more than the paper bags, which makes sense, too many of them were getting thick ass paper cuts on their neck and shoulders. Give them to a homeless person, they are always looking for new luggage. Pack a lunch in it. Tie them over your shoes in a rainstorm.... OK I'm reaching now... bedtime...

Disclaimer. Im sure we would be better off just not using them at all, but they are cheap, and so are companies, and humans so I don't see that happening any time soon.

Day 190--- 1, 2, 3, 4 I Declare Thumb War...

People who wear thumb rings deserve no introduction...

So that is all they get... Actually, if you are a dude and you are wearing a thumb ring you deserve no introduction, if you are a girl who is wearing one you just have a messed up sense of what is right and wrong... But honestly I've never seen a girl wearing one so that means I'm going to focus on the dudes.

First of all I should let you know that guys who wear too much hand jewelry are a little sketch in the first place. A wedding ring and a watch is the maximum amount of shiny-ness any straight God fearing male should allow below his elbow. (Unless you have to wear one of those medical bracelets) I think I just feel like a dude with all kinds of sparkly shiny accessories is just trying too hard. I have always associated that amount of jewelry with rappers, gangsters, and guys who want to wear their bank account on their wrist to show off. But all of the jewelry in the world cannot compare to the lameness of the thumb ring in my eyes...

The thumb ring is like the Nickelback of jewelry, basically some people might have thought they were cool for about a week but the more you are exposed to them the more you want to punch babies... (no babies were harmed in the production of this blog)... The thumb ring had to of happened as an accident, there is no way that someone was making rings some day and thought, "hey wouldn't it be great if I made one of these big enough for my thumb?"... I think there is a slight misconception among the 9 guys who ever purchased them that they make you look more manly... I think the truth is quite contrary, when I see a gent with a ring on his thumb I'm not thinking better not mess with this guy, I'm thinking 'I wonder what ass-less chaps this dude is going to be wearing out on Friday'... (Truth be told though I picture almost everyone I meet in ass-less chaps at some point)... And I'm not saying that if you wear a thumb ring that you are automatically gay, and I wouldn't care if you were, but it would not be a huge shock if they switched that whole "right ear pierced, your gay thing" to "thumb ring, your gay"... Kind of like a new secret club.

Maybe the whole origin of the thumb ring is something really cool that I never even thought about and maybe I'm the loser for not wearing one, I doubt it but lets play with that idea for a minute... Maybe back in the gay-ties when thumb rings were invented you could only wear one if you could play a really cool song only using your thumb and the inside of your cheek... Maybe they were awarded to all the people who won the first ever thumb war championships... circa 1989. I guess there are probably about a hundred reasons I never thought about I'm almost ashamed of myself... Almost...

I just had this strange thought. What is worse a pinky ring or a thumb ring?... That is not easy... "I want something femmie, but I don't know if I'm ready to go pinky just yet"... "Oh, I have just the thing for you, we just got in this brand new shipment of thumb rings."... "Hmmm, thumb ring you say... well, sure why not... Better give me two just in case one gets stuck..." --- that was a little day dream I just had... Now I know its time for bed...

Day 189--- One Drop at a Time...

I am so glad that I got to enlighten people on the amazingness that is "butterface's"... They really are one of the most useful things you will learn in your entire life, anytime you are out and point out a butterface, you have instantly thrust yourself into the comedic spotlight for the next hour, trust me I've done studies... Now I am going to talk about a group of people today that each and every one of us has no doubt come into contact with. Are you ready for this? Its a random one... Here we go... People who freeze their water bottles.

You may ask yourself why I would be interested in this group, allow me to explain. Its not so much the idea of freezing the water, this makes sense, we all like our water to be cold... But what amazes me is their dedication to the cold water process. You see, I have tried this before, but I literally sat there licking the top trying to get it to melt for about the first 2 hours away from the house... At that rate I am only going to finish about half of the water by the time I'm done at work... And if you are really dedicated to the art form and manage to make it past the ice licking stage, the only bonus that you get are little sips... If you are really strong and you make it all the way through the day without drinking until it thaws out entirely you have about 13 minutes before that very cold water is just water...

As silly as you guys may think it is that I would choose to write a whole post about these people I want you to just think about how much going through this process really says about somebody... Yeah, that's right I'm going deep in the shallowest way possible here... You know by the fact that they freeze their bottles daily that they are obviously people who like to be well prepared and they are also pretty frugal. Otherwise they would just buy a new one every day, or fill up as they run out the door... The next, and perhaps most telling thing, is that they are clearly the type of people that are willing to wait for their rewards. They must be patient, because like I said if I am thirsty I am drinking this water one thawed drop at a time, but I have seen them wait for the entire bottle to thaw before drinking... It doesn't even seem worth it to me at that point to have to wait hours just to be able to drink cold water... At this point you guys probably think I am stoned or drunk to be talking about this mess for so long, but I'm not... I was just bored out of my mind at work today on a phone call staring at my water bottle... And for some reason I thought about all the times I have witnessed these people and thought about all this stuff to myself... So I figured it was just about time to share it with you guys...

I don't really expect you all to take a whole lot out of this, but what I do expect is that the next time you see someone with a frozen water bottle you will think about me and smile... And when that happens an angel will get his wings and I know my job has been done... Or something like that...

And that is what diarrhea of the brain looks like in blog form.

Day 188--- "Everything is Good, But Her Face"...

I hope everyone is enjoying their St Patties Day, I am going to hurry up and get this post out there before I join in with the festivities. I have tried to write a few of these posts under the influence and once I went back and read them they made even less sense than I normally do... Today I have decided to write about an unfortunate selection of people, some even call them God's little joke; the butterface's.

If you don't know what a butterface is, it is not because you have not seen one, it is because you just have not been enlightened. But if you think you are ready for one of the humanic wonders of the world, keep reading... Also known as a bag job or a brown bagger a butter face is basically a girl who has a body that's a 10, 'but her face' is down in the 1-3 area... The name basically stemmed from the saying "everything is good but-her-face", and from there became a world wide phenomenon. Another popular saying that is pretty much interchangeable with that one is "good from far, but far from good"... Ever since I was a young lad and I first heard this I thought that it was one of the most well put together lines ever, not just because it was fairly crafty and witty, but because it was true...

I think the reason that people tend to like observing butterfaces once they find out about them because the ratio of face to body is clearly upsetting some balance in nature... Typically we find people that have busted faces usually have pretty dumpy bodies as well... And vice versa people with gross bodies usually wind up having some funkadelic faces to top it off. Nature seems to like keeping things like that balanced for the most part... That's why usually when you walk up behind a girl with an apple bottom you don't expect her to turn around and have a rutabaga face, you expect the face to match the rest of the package... When it doesn't you can definitely tell that something bad is going to happen, its like when a black cat knocks over a mirror and all that stuff. I don't know whether to feel sorry for them or to make fun of them really... If you think about it a 10 body and a 2 face still averages out to a six over all... I know friends who have tried to make these calculations when deciding if a hook up is worth it.

My question is, do they know? I mean, girls for the most part know when they have great bodies, this is why the majority of them flaunt it and use it to their advantage as much as they can... So do these butterfaces ever factor in the disaster zone located above their neck? Or do they just try and deny it and take what advantages they can get? I bet they would have loved going to parties in the old days when half of them had the masquerade theme going on... At least they could trick people for a while at those things...

Regardless, my warning to you guys is to watch out for these creatures. They are out there walking among us on a daily basis and there is no telling what damage they could do if we don't keep them in their place... Drink responsibly and you will definitely cut down your chances of waking up next to one...

For your future reference, here is a list of a few famous butterfaces:

1. Lady GaGa, (oh now you get it, this game is easy)

2. Michael Phelps (duh)

3. Sarah Jessica Parker (looks like someone ran over her mug)

4. Tori Spelling (yikes)

5. Fergie (gets worse as she gets older)

I could keep going but I kind of want some input from you guys... So leave some comments!

Day 187--- Rise and Shine...

I want to start off by saying I feel like a tard. I started this blog so strong, I think I went something like 130 straight days of blogging madness, just like that chick from the Julia Childs movie. Then I faltered a little during the contest just because I wanted to leave the contest posts as the top post, then I remembered how great being lazy felt. I pulled out of it a bit after the contest but then when I started working 40 hr weeks with an hour travel on each end of the day I became lazy bastard again... I basically said all of that so that I could really and truly thank all of you who have stuck with me through all of it... All my excuses and my shitty posts, and even my posts that may have pissed you off, but hey lets face it if I never offended anyone I wouldn't be doing my job would I?... I also want to thank those of you that I have picked up along the way, who really don't know what I am all about. Maybe you saw me on some other site, maybe you accidentally clicked on me and saw that I used the word shit in one of my post and were instantly hooked... I thank you all for reading my rants and coming back again and again, you know who you are, and if my Internet wasn't being a complete bitch right now I would even post links so that people could check out how awesome you are too... I'll have to do that on a day that I'm sure a lot of people will read...

So without further business, lets get down to pleasure... Today I have decided to post about a group of people that we all know we want to be, but only some of us are willing to go balls out on this one, literally... Say hello to people who sleep naked...

Lets first admit that being naked is just awesome... (eye-muffs if you don't want a gnarly visual)... For me being naked is one of the best things ever, almost everyday when I get home from work I rush straight to my room and rip off all the bondage that had been suffocating and constricting me all day long... No clothes to ruin the perfect itch, nothing to to tuck in, or string to stop from tickling me, pure liberation... Its no wonder that people start nudist colonies, I can see why the garden of Eden was considered paradise, the only reason I don't join one these days is because most of the people are old, wrinkled, and about 9 shades too tan... I may be the only person willing to admit all of this, but I assure you I am not the only one who feels this way. Since there are laws against public nudity and mom and dad walking around the house swingin free most people have reserved there liberation to come between the sheets.

The thing that is amazing about these people, is that nothing that they do in the outside visible to me and you world, would let you know if they were a night nudie or not... And for some reason that is sort of fascinating to me... We all know that there are the pajama people, the ones who look like they walked out of 50's television, they have the full button down thing going on, and then there are the ones who wear the big shirt and some basketball shorts, they want to be comfortable, but they also want to be able to run outside in a hurry in case of a fire. There are the underwear people, thong, bra, boxers, these people are comfortable in their skin, but there is just something that holds them back from going all the way... Then you have those that wear their sheets as pajamas, and you could not look at someone you work with every day and guess which one they are... You may think that your priest wears a button down to bed, but he may very well be a nudie patutie. Your parents, you hope that they are fully clothed as well, but there is some reason they keep that door locked, and you know its not for sex (married people don't do that right?)...

The fact of the matter is, that unless you have shared a bed or a room with someone you really cant tell what they wear to bed. You may not think that not knowing is a big deal, and maybe it isn't, but I sure would like to know what my friends are wearing for 6-8 hours of their day... Well, maybe not some of them, but you get the idea... I just don't know why this question is not on Myspace profile questionnaires, and in job interviews, from where I stand I say this tells a lot about a person... We want to know if someone smokes, or what kind of music they listen to, but no one has ever asked me if I sleep naked, maybe that's because for for the right price you can find it out first hand, or maybe its because you don't think about other people naked... But I doubt that...

When I searching for a picture for this post I found a website that says that it is actually healthier to sleep nude, this must have been written buy the guy who convinces ladies he can guess their bra size by touching their boobies. He says you actually get better sleep when you have nothing constricting you, makes sense to me. Regardless I am going to continue sleeping the healthiest way I can, who's with me???