Day 187--- Rise and Shine...

I want to start off by saying I feel like a tard. I started this blog so strong, I think I went something like 130 straight days of blogging madness, just like that chick from the Julia Childs movie. Then I faltered a little during the contest just because I wanted to leave the contest posts as the top post, then I remembered how great being lazy felt. I pulled out of it a bit after the contest but then when I started working 40 hr weeks with an hour travel on each end of the day I became lazy bastard again... I basically said all of that so that I could really and truly thank all of you who have stuck with me through all of it... All my excuses and my shitty posts, and even my posts that may have pissed you off, but hey lets face it if I never offended anyone I wouldn't be doing my job would I?... I also want to thank those of you that I have picked up along the way, who really don't know what I am all about. Maybe you saw me on some other site, maybe you accidentally clicked on me and saw that I used the word shit in one of my post and were instantly hooked... I thank you all for reading my rants and coming back again and again, you know who you are, and if my Internet wasn't being a complete bitch right now I would even post links so that people could check out how awesome you are too... I'll have to do that on a day that I'm sure a lot of people will read...

So without further business, lets get down to pleasure... Today I have decided to post about a group of people that we all know we want to be, but only some of us are willing to go balls out on this one, literally... Say hello to people who sleep naked...

Lets first admit that being naked is just awesome... (eye-muffs if you don't want a gnarly visual)... For me being naked is one of the best things ever, almost everyday when I get home from work I rush straight to my room and rip off all the bondage that had been suffocating and constricting me all day long... No clothes to ruin the perfect itch, nothing to to tuck in, or string to stop from tickling me, pure liberation... Its no wonder that people start nudist colonies, I can see why the garden of Eden was considered paradise, the only reason I don't join one these days is because most of the people are old, wrinkled, and about 9 shades too tan... I may be the only person willing to admit all of this, but I assure you I am not the only one who feels this way. Since there are laws against public nudity and mom and dad walking around the house swingin free most people have reserved there liberation to come between the sheets.

The thing that is amazing about these people, is that nothing that they do in the outside visible to me and you world, would let you know if they were a night nudie or not... And for some reason that is sort of fascinating to me... We all know that there are the pajama people, the ones who look like they walked out of 50's television, they have the full button down thing going on, and then there are the ones who wear the big shirt and some basketball shorts, they want to be comfortable, but they also want to be able to run outside in a hurry in case of a fire. There are the underwear people, thong, bra, boxers, these people are comfortable in their skin, but there is just something that holds them back from going all the way... Then you have those that wear their sheets as pajamas, and you could not look at someone you work with every day and guess which one they are... You may think that your priest wears a button down to bed, but he may very well be a nudie patutie. Your parents, you hope that they are fully clothed as well, but there is some reason they keep that door locked, and you know its not for sex (married people don't do that right?)...

The fact of the matter is, that unless you have shared a bed or a room with someone you really cant tell what they wear to bed. You may not think that not knowing is a big deal, and maybe it isn't, but I sure would like to know what my friends are wearing for 6-8 hours of their day... Well, maybe not some of them, but you get the idea... I just don't know why this question is not on Myspace profile questionnaires, and in job interviews, from where I stand I say this tells a lot about a person... We want to know if someone smokes, or what kind of music they listen to, but no one has ever asked me if I sleep naked, maybe that's because for for the right price you can find it out first hand, or maybe its because you don't think about other people naked... But I doubt that...

When I searching for a picture for this post I found a website that says that it is actually healthier to sleep nude, this must have been written buy the guy who convinces ladies he can guess their bra size by touching their boobies. He says you actually get better sleep when you have nothing constricting you, makes sense to me. Regardless I am going to continue sleeping the healthiest way I can, who's with me???

Day 186--- See Ya LATEr...

That last post got more comments about MUSE than it did about the topic I was posting on... Either my writing is becoming lame or I talked a little bit too much about MUSE, I hope its the second one... Moving on though Ive got another post about a group of people that annoy me, imagine that. Chances are plenty of you guys out there fall into this category... People that are always late...

There has been a long standing joke in my family that it takes my mom an hour and a half to watch sixty minutes, I'm not sure exactly when this started, or how original the joke is, but it could not be more true... She is the kind of person that you would have to lie to about the time something starts just so you had a shot at being there on time, if I was brave I would have even set all the clocks ahead 30 minutes. It really didn't matter if we were going to something for her, or something for one of us kids, or even something the whole family was invited to we just had to learn how to show up fashionably late... And by fashionably I mean half way through whatever it was we were going to... I remember most vividly every week showing up late to church and having to sit in the back... It didn't matter how early she got up, or how much we tried to hurry her, or even that we would go sit in the car for 20 minutes waiting, she would find away to get behind schedule... Now, for the longest time I thought that my mom was the only person who cared so little about being on time, but when I grew up and met other females I realized she was not alone...

She is so not alone that, by my calculations I assume that at least one out of every five of my readers (you) probably suffer from chronic tardiness. You shall henceforth be known as "re-tardi's". You are the people that have been put on earth to test my patience and at times my sanity... You probably come from the same annoyance breed of people that stop at yellow lights. Maybe even part of the group of people that weave back and forth when you walk down a busy sidewalk? (nothing annoys us city folk more than sidewalk weavers).

I am the type of person who likes to be at least five minutes early to everything so I can check the place out and because I don't want to make the person I am meeting have to wait. But for some unlucky reason I always manage to be friends with people who must use a sun dial to tell time. Probably the same sun dial that the bus drivers that take me to work use... Seriously though, the thing that drives me crazy is that all of these people who are constantly late all know about it. My mom was fully aware she was never on time, my friends know they keep me waiting, and you know it too, so why don't you just fix it...? I mean, its not like I'm asking you to stop a smoking habit you have had for 15 years. I just want you to show up on time, I think I could even work out some sort of an award system if we could make punctuality a common thing. I would be more than willing to carry around treats, (of your choice) to give you when you show up on time...

Aren't you ever afraid of missing something? Ive always been the kid that was worried about missing something. For instance, for my new job I have to wake up at about 7:30 am, which for me is what 4:40 am would be to the rest of the world. Anyways, if I wake up late I'm guaranteed to miss the bus, and then I would be late to work and look like a douche. My alarm is set for half past seven, but for some reason my brain freaks out at the thought of being late and wakes me up about 10-15 minutes before my alarm every day... This is just wrong on so many levels for someone who loves their sleep as much as I do, but at least it get my point across about how on time I am... I also am one of those people who doesn't use movie previews as a buffer, I treat them as part of the movie, I need to be there when they start or I'll feel like Ive missed something. Forget coming in when the movie has already started, if I miss any of the plot we may as well take a rain check. The more I write about this, the more I feel like I am the one with the problem here... But hey, a little anal-ness never hurt anybody.... And on that note its time for bed... Try and be on time to something tomorrow guys, even if its not important, pretend...

Day 185--- When All Else Fails... Bulk Up...

I have been away once again, I just got through with a little mini-vacation to Chicago for a concert and the St. Patrick's Day Parade... I hope that you guys got on alright while I was away, hopefully one of you fed my fish. I know you are dying to know what concert I saw, so I'll tell you... MUSE... Holy F-ing balls, if they were not already my favorite band ever, they are now... They could not have put on a better show if they tried... I could go into great detail, but nothing I can put in this blog will fully explain the divinity of their show. The show was so good that I actually believe that it is unfair to every other band that I end up seeing in my lifetime, they will all fall just a little bit short. If you guys ever take advice that I give, you need to follow what I am about to say now... GO SEE A MUSE SHOW... Whenever, or wherever, and however much it costs you, it will be worth it I promise... On that note, I want to give one more thanks and shout out to my girlfriend Allyson for the tickets, no offense to any other gift I have received in the past but these tickets just ripped off your head and shat down your neck...

With that being said I think we can move onto the post... Today is kind of an odd group in more than once sense of the word... It is a post I can attribute to Facebook, because without Facebook I would not be able to judge people from my past like I do now... I decided to write about the guys from high school that were losers, but since have done their best to bulk up in an attempt to become cool... Follow me this way...

Now, I know that people all change after high school, its what happens, its what we do, but that does not mean that this transformation should not receive the same amount of commentary from me that everything else gets... The reason I have chosen this group is because they really make me laugh... Because we all know that the reason they were losers in high school didn't have anything to do with the amount of muscle mass that they had. No, indeed not, in most cases it was the fact that they were the ones in the corner of the class with their finger up their nose, with white flakes all over their home made clothes, and a smell that could not quite be attributed to anything human... It could also be that they peed their pants once a semester, carried around a deck of magic cards to play at any spare moment, blogged before it was cool ;), and would squawk at anyone who ever tried to ask them a question... So no, as much as they want it to be, lifting weights is not going to somehow magically erase the memories associated with your past...

Obviously I am the Facebook stalker that goes through and passes all this judgement and admittedly this makes me a little bit weird as well, but something needs to be said... I feel like I could save these people countless gym hours and creatine dollars if I could just explain to them why they really had all those nicknames... Sure their is nothing wrong with taking care of your body, not even thing wrong with being hard core about it, I just think it should be done for the right reasons, and I can tell with some of them that they are doing it as more of a "take that" to high-school tormentors... I can usually tell these people apart from the rest of us by a few different things. If 9 out of 10 of their profile pictures have pictures of them with their shirt off or flexing their is a good chance they are trying to compensate. Or if more than once a week their status update mentions them going to the gym, or being sore. We get the point and appreciate the effort, but the likelihood of you coming to the reunion with more friends than you had in school, is about the same as they would have been if you were home schooled.

I know it is not my place to judge them, but I'm gonna do it anyways, so I may as well write about it for your pleasure... What would you do without me??? Stayed tuned, because I think I'm gonna write about the hot girls from school that blimped up after graduation. I know that most people appreciate seeing that much more... LISTEN TO MUSE............

IF anyone from my school ends up reading my blog I will probably get my ass kicked at my reunion... But thats OK, I still have like 3 years to stop pissing myself and bulk up...

Day 184---Richie Rich-es...

Today I have decided to bring up a group of people that used to bug the shit out of me in high school... They would still bug me if I had to deal with them on a regular basis but since I have moved away from Scottsdale they are definitely more scarce... The type of people I am referring to are the little jack ass kids whose parents have loads of money. Kid in this can cover pretty much any age from 9-29...

I don't know if you guys have ever been to or heard of Scottsdale, Arizona, but since its where I grew up I'll give you a quick description. Snobbsdale, as it is affectionately referred to is home to just as many fake boobs, Ferrari's, and fake blonds as the OC... Its a fancy shmancy place where the temperature stays above 40 degrees all year, you have rocks instead of grass in your yard, and 4 different shades of brown you can paint your house... Anyone who owns a company or has learned to play with balls well enough to get paid for it will usually end up buying a house here, which means that it is also home to some of the most douchey silver spooned kids on earth. Most of whom I was unlucky enough to go to high school with... You may be thinking well, you grew up there you must be just like these bags of douche, but I can assure this is not true. I was not one of the kids who was handed keys to a Range Rover or BMW on my sixteenth birthday. No I was one of the kids who parents said, "Oh, your sixteen, better find a job unless you want to take a bus to school til you graduate."...

So as you can imagine, as any sane teenager would, I built up a little resentment/jealousy/ hatred towards these kinds of kids... To be fair it was not all of them, I actually had a few friends who had "no one related to me will ever have to work a day in their lives" money, and they were quite humble and nice. So clearly I am more referring to the ones who like to make their families wealth a topic of almost any conversation... Any conversation... for instance, if you were to say---"oh yeah, I missed school for a few days because I had to go to my grandmothers funeral in Florida.", they would respond with, "that reminds me, when my grandma dies I finally get to cash in that inheritance, I'll probably buy a house in Florida". Or, you say, "hey, did you see the Suns game this weekend?" and they'd follow with, "no, but my dad is thinking about buying the the team, and Steve Nash will have to babysit my sister". Maybe those examples were a bit extreme, at least as far as a daily basis, but every once and a while something that blatant would surface... I will never forget this kid Jon (well I do forget his last name so clearly he was not that important) anyways, Jon had a very nice $80ish,000.00 BMW that everyone knew he had. But he would always manage to take his keys out just to remind us, or bring up something pointless like his gas mileage just so we didn't forget his parents gave him a nice ride. But I did bum a ride when I could to save on gas money, I'm not stewped.

One of the things that annoy me the most is when they act like they had something to do with acquiring the wealth... Personally I would find it embarrassing to brag about something that you had absolutely no hand in, that would be like me taking credit for 30 Rock being so amazing because I watch it, and I used to live on the same street that it is filmed on... Congratulations your parents make a lot of money, lets see if can just get through Calculus though OK?...

I think these people were a big reason in my decision to move away, I didnt want to be playing keep up with the Jones's at that level my entire life... I had done well to have paid off my used Benz, pay for my first 2 yrs of college in cash, and buy my first investment home by 18, all because I had worked and saved since 15. But no matter how hard I worked, I was still working and they were having it handed to them that just starts to get frustrating after a while... So I moved to NY where the wealth line is so vast that us poor people cant even see the others, and thats the way we like it... NY is the place you can actually brag about how poor you are and people find it cool... Its a very interesting concept... OK I almost just fell asleep on my keyboard. I think that is a sign... M Night Shyamalan...

Day 183--- "Are You Ticklish???"

So as you guys can tell I have dropped a few days here over the past week, I've been sort of in a writing slump and needed to give myself a few days rest. Everyday I would start to read what I was writing I would get pissed off at myself, for lack of knee slapping funny-ness. I mean, not to fear even on my worst day I am leaps and bounds funnier than most people you know... I just kinda needed to re-charge. You will still get your 365 days of people it just might take about 400 days, but like I said before its my blog so I'll do whatever I damn well please... Unless of course you stop reading, then I'll do whatever I can to sell out and get more people to worship me... In my past few days of non writing a few exciting things have happened in my life that I am going to share with you now. I have started and read the first 2 Harry Potter books in about 5 days, yeah I know how 1998 of me, but hey up until I started this new job I still hadnt pushed my way through that last book series, Waldo. I have started P90x, if you dont know what that is, its basically a work out that kicks you in your entire body, but I needed to start something to balance out that chef-like cooking I have been doing this winter. I watched the Oscars, I'm happy Jeff and Sandra won. I also watched the newer Sabrina, I dont know why you would remake anything that Audrey Hepburn did, she was just too freaking hot!... Anyways, most of you probably skipped this paragraph all together and found yourself somewhere down here ------> If you have made it this far then you will be pleased to know that today I am writing about a group of people that think that they are silly. They think they are silly but the rest of us find them annoying as f*%$... People who tickle...

You may ask yourself if this is really a group of people worth blogging about, well, obvious-freaking-ly or I would not be wasting my time. I am writing this blog not only to entertain and inform you, but I am also writing this as a warning. I'll start with the latter, if I ever happen to randomly meet any of you stalkers and one of you has the balls (or tits) to tickle me, I will make sure you meet a similar end to the people who get attacked by the black smoke on LOST... I am not ticklish, so no matter how hard you jab your fingers into my armpits, ribs, neck, or knees, the only reaction you will get out of me is a look of disgust.

In my humble opinion there is nothing exciting or funny about tickling. Since the beginning of man kind tickling has been a tricky way for pedophiles, priests, and old people to covertly touch something or someone that they should not be. True, it may be a popular ice breaker/ way to sneak your way to second base on a first date, but this is 2010, man up and use a rufi... I cant remember a time in my life when I enjoyed tickling, sources say that I enjoyed it when I was a little baby, but since I don't remember it, it never happened... The truth is that babies don't even enjoy being tickled, sure they may laugh, but they are laughing at the dumb ass faces and noises people make when they are tickling them. I have interviewed at least 3 or 4 of them and they all agree.

Maybe its just me, but it also always seems that the people who want to tickle others have no idea what they are doing... They start jabbing their un-manicured claws straight into my ribs ninety percent of the time, giving me more bruises than giggles... If life truly were to end up like it did in 1984 (the book) tickling would certainly be... un-invented, its just so counterproductive. You know what we should do is use tickling as a torture device on prisoners of war... I don't know if we take those anymore though, I'm pretty sure we just kill everyone we can... But seriously, all you would have to do is tickle me for about 9 seconds, (that's my breaking point) and I would tell you any secrets you want to know about the U.S... Either that or make me watch an episode of M.A.S.H.... You know why the suicide rates were so high in the 80's? Because of that piece of trash show, if I was ever home sick from school and this shit came on I would go to school anyways so I didn't also have my mood ruined with boredom... I may have used that reference before, or I may have just thought about using it, or I may have dreamed I used it or dreamed I thought about using it... I'm not sure but there it was again for your viewing pleasure. That is the most that anyone has ever talked about that show in the past 15 years, guaranteed...

What was I blogging about again? Oh yeah people who tickle... Did you really think I forgot? Or did you realize that that was just the only witty paragraph opener I could muster right now... Either way those of you out there who agree with me need to ban together and do our best to bring an end to tickling of any sort, unless it involves a pickle...

Here is a list of ticklers, don't be like these guys folks...

1. Ted Bundy

2. Marilyn Manson

3. Barney (the purple dinosaur)

4. Richard Simmons

5. George W.

6. The late Michael Jackson

7. Macaulay Culkin

8. Tom from Myspace (its that old site people used to use)

9. Pope Benedict

10. Tiger Woods

I never realized how many people had tickling fetishes until I was looking for a picture for this post... My virgin eyes.

are you ticklish?