Day 185--- When All Else Fails... Bulk Up...

I have been away once again, I just got through with a little mini-vacation to Chicago for a concert and the St. Patrick's Day Parade... I hope that you guys got on alright while I was away, hopefully one of you fed my fish. I know you are dying to know what concert I saw, so I'll tell you... MUSE... Holy F-ing balls, if they were not already my favorite band ever, they are now... They could not have put on a better show if they tried... I could go into great detail, but nothing I can put in this blog will fully explain the divinity of their show. The show was so good that I actually believe that it is unfair to every other band that I end up seeing in my lifetime, they will all fall just a little bit short. If you guys ever take advice that I give, you need to follow what I am about to say now... GO SEE A MUSE SHOW... Whenever, or wherever, and however much it costs you, it will be worth it I promise... On that note, I want to give one more thanks and shout out to my girlfriend Allyson for the tickets, no offense to any other gift I have received in the past but these tickets just ripped off your head and shat down your neck...

With that being said I think we can move onto the post... Today is kind of an odd group in more than once sense of the word... It is a post I can attribute to Facebook, because without Facebook I would not be able to judge people from my past like I do now... I decided to write about the guys from high school that were losers, but since have done their best to bulk up in an attempt to become cool... Follow me this way...

Now, I know that people all change after high school, its what happens, its what we do, but that does not mean that this transformation should not receive the same amount of commentary from me that everything else gets... The reason I have chosen this group is because they really make me laugh... Because we all know that the reason they were losers in high school didn't have anything to do with the amount of muscle mass that they had. No, indeed not, in most cases it was the fact that they were the ones in the corner of the class with their finger up their nose, with white flakes all over their home made clothes, and a smell that could not quite be attributed to anything human... It could also be that they peed their pants once a semester, carried around a deck of magic cards to play at any spare moment, blogged before it was cool ;), and would squawk at anyone who ever tried to ask them a question... So no, as much as they want it to be, lifting weights is not going to somehow magically erase the memories associated with your past...

Obviously I am the Facebook stalker that goes through and passes all this judgement and admittedly this makes me a little bit weird as well, but something needs to be said... I feel like I could save these people countless gym hours and creatine dollars if I could just explain to them why they really had all those nicknames... Sure their is nothing wrong with taking care of your body, not even thing wrong with being hard core about it, I just think it should be done for the right reasons, and I can tell with some of them that they are doing it as more of a "take that" to high-school tormentors... I can usually tell these people apart from the rest of us by a few different things. If 9 out of 10 of their profile pictures have pictures of them with their shirt off or flexing their is a good chance they are trying to compensate. Or if more than once a week their status update mentions them going to the gym, or being sore. We get the point and appreciate the effort, but the likelihood of you coming to the reunion with more friends than you had in school, is about the same as they would have been if you were home schooled.

I know it is not my place to judge them, but I'm gonna do it anyways, so I may as well write about it for your pleasure... What would you do without me??? Stayed tuned, because I think I'm gonna write about the hot girls from school that blimped up after graduation. I know that most people appreciate seeing that much more... LISTEN TO MUSE............

IF anyone from my school ends up reading my blog I will probably get my ass kicked at my reunion... But thats OK, I still have like 3 years to stop pissing myself and bulk up...

Day 184---Richie Rich-es...

Today I have decided to bring up a group of people that used to bug the shit out of me in high school... They would still bug me if I had to deal with them on a regular basis but since I have moved away from Scottsdale they are definitely more scarce... The type of people I am referring to are the little jack ass kids whose parents have loads of money. Kid in this can cover pretty much any age from 9-29...

I don't know if you guys have ever been to or heard of Scottsdale, Arizona, but since its where I grew up I'll give you a quick description. Snobbsdale, as it is affectionately referred to is home to just as many fake boobs, Ferrari's, and fake blonds as the OC... Its a fancy shmancy place where the temperature stays above 40 degrees all year, you have rocks instead of grass in your yard, and 4 different shades of brown you can paint your house... Anyone who owns a company or has learned to play with balls well enough to get paid for it will usually end up buying a house here, which means that it is also home to some of the most douchey silver spooned kids on earth. Most of whom I was unlucky enough to go to high school with... You may be thinking well, you grew up there you must be just like these bags of douche, but I can assure this is not true. I was not one of the kids who was handed keys to a Range Rover or BMW on my sixteenth birthday. No I was one of the kids who parents said, "Oh, your sixteen, better find a job unless you want to take a bus to school til you graduate."...

So as you can imagine, as any sane teenager would, I built up a little resentment/jealousy/ hatred towards these kinds of kids... To be fair it was not all of them, I actually had a few friends who had "no one related to me will ever have to work a day in their lives" money, and they were quite humble and nice. So clearly I am more referring to the ones who like to make their families wealth a topic of almost any conversation... Any conversation... for instance, if you were to say---"oh yeah, I missed school for a few days because I had to go to my grandmothers funeral in Florida.", they would respond with, "that reminds me, when my grandma dies I finally get to cash in that inheritance, I'll probably buy a house in Florida". Or, you say, "hey, did you see the Suns game this weekend?" and they'd follow with, "no, but my dad is thinking about buying the the team, and Steve Nash will have to babysit my sister". Maybe those examples were a bit extreme, at least as far as a daily basis, but every once and a while something that blatant would surface... I will never forget this kid Jon (well I do forget his last name so clearly he was not that important) anyways, Jon had a very nice $80ish,000.00 BMW that everyone knew he had. But he would always manage to take his keys out just to remind us, or bring up something pointless like his gas mileage just so we didn't forget his parents gave him a nice ride. But I did bum a ride when I could to save on gas money, I'm not stewped.

One of the things that annoy me the most is when they act like they had something to do with acquiring the wealth... Personally I would find it embarrassing to brag about something that you had absolutely no hand in, that would be like me taking credit for 30 Rock being so amazing because I watch it, and I used to live on the same street that it is filmed on... Congratulations your parents make a lot of money, lets see if can just get through Calculus though OK?...

I think these people were a big reason in my decision to move away, I didnt want to be playing keep up with the Jones's at that level my entire life... I had done well to have paid off my used Benz, pay for my first 2 yrs of college in cash, and buy my first investment home by 18, all because I had worked and saved since 15. But no matter how hard I worked, I was still working and they were having it handed to them that just starts to get frustrating after a while... So I moved to NY where the wealth line is so vast that us poor people cant even see the others, and thats the way we like it... NY is the place you can actually brag about how poor you are and people find it cool... Its a very interesting concept... OK I almost just fell asleep on my keyboard. I think that is a sign... M Night Shyamalan...

Day 183--- "Are You Ticklish???"

So as you guys can tell I have dropped a few days here over the past week, I've been sort of in a writing slump and needed to give myself a few days rest. Everyday I would start to read what I was writing I would get pissed off at myself, for lack of knee slapping funny-ness. I mean, not to fear even on my worst day I am leaps and bounds funnier than most people you know... I just kinda needed to re-charge. You will still get your 365 days of people it just might take about 400 days, but like I said before its my blog so I'll do whatever I damn well please... Unless of course you stop reading, then I'll do whatever I can to sell out and get more people to worship me... In my past few days of non writing a few exciting things have happened in my life that I am going to share with you now. I have started and read the first 2 Harry Potter books in about 5 days, yeah I know how 1998 of me, but hey up until I started this new job I still hadnt pushed my way through that last book series, Waldo. I have started P90x, if you dont know what that is, its basically a work out that kicks you in your entire body, but I needed to start something to balance out that chef-like cooking I have been doing this winter. I watched the Oscars, I'm happy Jeff and Sandra won. I also watched the newer Sabrina, I dont know why you would remake anything that Audrey Hepburn did, she was just too freaking hot!... Anyways, most of you probably skipped this paragraph all together and found yourself somewhere down here ------> If you have made it this far then you will be pleased to know that today I am writing about a group of people that think that they are silly. They think they are silly but the rest of us find them annoying as f*%$... People who tickle...

You may ask yourself if this is really a group of people worth blogging about, well, obvious-freaking-ly or I would not be wasting my time. I am writing this blog not only to entertain and inform you, but I am also writing this as a warning. I'll start with the latter, if I ever happen to randomly meet any of you stalkers and one of you has the balls (or tits) to tickle me, I will make sure you meet a similar end to the people who get attacked by the black smoke on LOST... I am not ticklish, so no matter how hard you jab your fingers into my armpits, ribs, neck, or knees, the only reaction you will get out of me is a look of disgust.

In my humble opinion there is nothing exciting or funny about tickling. Since the beginning of man kind tickling has been a tricky way for pedophiles, priests, and old people to covertly touch something or someone that they should not be. True, it may be a popular ice breaker/ way to sneak your way to second base on a first date, but this is 2010, man up and use a rufi... I cant remember a time in my life when I enjoyed tickling, sources say that I enjoyed it when I was a little baby, but since I don't remember it, it never happened... The truth is that babies don't even enjoy being tickled, sure they may laugh, but they are laughing at the dumb ass faces and noises people make when they are tickling them. I have interviewed at least 3 or 4 of them and they all agree.

Maybe its just me, but it also always seems that the people who want to tickle others have no idea what they are doing... They start jabbing their un-manicured claws straight into my ribs ninety percent of the time, giving me more bruises than giggles... If life truly were to end up like it did in 1984 (the book) tickling would certainly be... un-invented, its just so counterproductive. You know what we should do is use tickling as a torture device on prisoners of war... I don't know if we take those anymore though, I'm pretty sure we just kill everyone we can... But seriously, all you would have to do is tickle me for about 9 seconds, (that's my breaking point) and I would tell you any secrets you want to know about the U.S... Either that or make me watch an episode of M.A.S.H.... You know why the suicide rates were so high in the 80's? Because of that piece of trash show, if I was ever home sick from school and this shit came on I would go to school anyways so I didn't also have my mood ruined with boredom... I may have used that reference before, or I may have just thought about using it, or I may have dreamed I used it or dreamed I thought about using it... I'm not sure but there it was again for your viewing pleasure. That is the most that anyone has ever talked about that show in the past 15 years, guaranteed...

What was I blogging about again? Oh yeah people who tickle... Did you really think I forgot? Or did you realize that that was just the only witty paragraph opener I could muster right now... Either way those of you out there who agree with me need to ban together and do our best to bring an end to tickling of any sort, unless it involves a pickle...

Here is a list of ticklers, don't be like these guys folks...

1. Ted Bundy

2. Marilyn Manson

3. Barney (the purple dinosaur)

4. Richard Simmons

5. George W.

6. The late Michael Jackson

7. Macaulay Culkin

8. Tom from Myspace (its that old site people used to use)

9. Pope Benedict

10. Tiger Woods

I never realized how many people had tickling fetishes until I was looking for a picture for this post... My virgin eyes.

are you ticklish?

Day 182--- Not The End I Wanted!!!

So apparently other than religion and politics, one should also not blog about the Olympics, touchy subject those things... Although most of you seemed to agree with my boredom there were a few people that did not. Which I fully expected, however I didn't expect to lose followers over it, well one less person I have to save my Kool-Aid for then. Today I have tried to select a person that I believe is mutually hated by everyone worldwide. Even those who love the Winter Olympics... This is why I have decided to write about the douche bags who like to ruin the end of movies or TV shows for the rest of us...

I'll give a little example of a time that this happened to me and almost made me cut a bitch. I was back in Arizona this summer visiting my family who are big time Harry Potter fans, of the movies at least... We wanted to go opening night to get the full wizardly experience and all that, I had even fashioned a wand out of a twig that I found in the parking lot. I'm hard core. After a good hour and a half of waiting in the long ass line that snaked out doors around the building. We were let into the building for another hour long wait... Finally we were let into the theater about 45 minutes before the show time... Now keep in mind I had never read the book/s and although I imagine that most of the people in the theater had, I'm sure that I was not the only one who had no idea of what was to come. Anyways literally as the theater gets that second shade of dark after the previews these two douche bag f-wad teenagers run into the theater and yell "-------- dies at the end just thought you all should know." ( I didn't want to ruin it there just in case some of you have not seen it yet)... Anyways, I don't think I have ever been so pissed off in my life. If I had not been in the perfect seats dead center mid way up I would have chased those little twats and ruined some ends with the wand I had created earlier. Instead I just yelled something witty back, that at least made my ego feel nice...

What is the deal with people like that though, although that was the worst case I have ever had to deal with I have had many encounters with similar situations throughout my life... Cant people just shut their damn mouths. I am so the opposite of this that when I see a movie or something and people are like how was it? What happens in the end? I'll probably never see it. I still cant bring myself to saying anything just in case they do end up seeing it in the future, I don't want them to look back and be like damn Ryan, he ruined this for me... Being such an avid TV show follower, but one who usually watches online on Hulu or something this can be really hard to have conversations at work the day after one of my shows... For instance, I am currently 2 weeks behind on Lost, so if I were to go into work and hear anyone mentioning the most recent episode I would probably have to go over and cut their tongues off. You may think that sounds brutal but I think it is a very fitting offense for people who ruin my excitement. OK maybe the first time they should get their mouths washed out with soap and Sriracha, second offense there goes your tongue, third... balls or tits, whichever you got... If you think I'm joking test me...

See, I am a practical joker, and I have done my fair share of douchey things in my life... Mostly things that will do long term psychological damage though. But this ruining the end of things is just something I would never fathom doing... How lonely and desperate for attention do you have to be? This is like a step below killing kittens in my book, you may disagree, but you can sell a dead cat to a Chinese restaurant. You cant sell a ruined movie ending to anyone now can you? Doesn't sound logical to you? Its OK I'm confused too...

Facebook can be a pretty bad place to be for this thing as well, I can't tell you how many times I have been on there and accidentally seen a status update that has ruined something... These people need to either keep their stupid fingers shut, or make sure to put a spoiler alert warning at the beginning of their posts. So I can Facebook stalk without having to worry about what I am going to read.

Well, on that note I should probably get to bed, but if I wake up to any comments that tell what happens in LOST, 30 Rock, Greys, or about 15 other shows or movies I will find you... I know people and Chinese restaurants.

Day 181--- Winter Borlympics...

I probably should have done this before they were over but I feel like I just needed to say a few things about these Winter Olympics, and the people who watch it, and maybe even something about some of the athletes. Now before I go on I must tell you that all views expressed are not expected to be ones felt by most other people, but its my blog so I can talk about whatever I want. So here goes nothing...

The Winter Games are like that kitchen drawer that you throw all the random shit into that has no where else to go. Some of the items are useful, and some should be thrown away, but you just cant bring yourself to part with them. Curling is one of those items, now, I am not saying that curling doesn't take tremendous skill, but I am saying is this really a sport that is Olympic worthy? Is this really a sport at all? I mean Chess, poker, bocce ball, and flip-cup all require a certain amount of skill but I don't see their events being televised world wide and shoved into the Olympic forum. I have always held to the belief that you should be able to make a movie about any sport that really counts? We've got a bobsled movie, ice skating movies, and I'm sure there are a few skiing movies out there somewhere as well, but to this date I have still never seen a decent plot-line formed around curling. Plus if they wont make Bud the sporty dog curl how are they going to convince our youth that its cool?

At this rate ice fishing, trash-can lid sledding, and snowman building are going to be in the 2014 Winter O's. The upside to curling being allowed in, is that it is really my last chance to ever make it into the Olympics. I hear that the tryouts aren't really tryouts at all in the traditional sense. They are really just a matter of finding enough people to make a full team. City to city they venture trying to find the best sweepers, table football players, and bowlers willing to play on ice. They gather them all up in a room and realize that they are one person short, they make a few soliciting phone calls to see if anyone they know would like to be on TV. They find their guy just in time. Now before you get all pissed off at me, realize I am from America, so I'm allowed to be shallow and close minded, its what we do best.

Then I just found out this year that there is a difference between ice skating and ice dancing, they are both essentially the same thing, but one is just a tad bit gayer. I think if you are not good enough to make the ice "skating" team that you are forced to dress up in a peacock outfit and dance around the ice for 4 minutes. Don't worry though, I am not trying to take away from the gayness of regular ice skating, they can still hold their own...

It really seems that it was the hockey that was on everyone's mind this year, but for some reason I still don't think that will thrust its popularity any higher in the U.S.. They would be better off making a 4Th Mighty Ducks movie with a drugged out Emilio Estevez, that would at least make me want to play again. I think we just have a problem with the lack of scoring, that is why we don't get that into soccer/futbol here either, well that and most of the matches are in Spanish.

To the people who watched and thoroughly enjoyed the Winter Olympics, I salute you for supporting your country. I really do. I am just sad for you that you couldn't find anything better to watch for an entire month. Were there not even Cheers or Seinfeld re-runs on in your area? Do you not have computer access? Is there not a library anywhere near your house? Didn't you have to dry your hair? Or did you just feel bad that NBC lost like 300 million on this deal. Personally I think they would have done better to just give Conan all that money and just let 10 years of his re-runs play over the past month. I certainly would have tuned in. I did notice that a lot of the baby boomers enjoyed watching the Winter games, I have not quite figured out why exactly, it might be one of those things they talk about so they can sound hip, not realizing that nobody around really cares.

I could go on and on but before I get rid of all my blue haired readers I should probably call it quits. Maybe I'll think of something more uplifting for tomorrow, maybe.