Day 177--- Can I Get a Witness...?

There is a saying that I have heard before that warns against talking about politics or religion with friends, typically because when people disagree things can become quite heated. However, I feel like we have known each other long enough that nothing like that would or could ever come between us. Which is why today I am going to talk about door to door religion sellers.

When I think about this category two main groups come to mind; Mormon missionaries, and Jehovah's Witnessesssss'... Now before you read on I want you to know that I am not going to be too harsh, just... honest. I want you to know that whatever I say is allowed and PC because I have a black friend, I mean because my dad is Mormon. Yes, I am playing that "safe card". For purposes of this blog I am going to lump the two together as much as I can just so the post does not become too long and boring.

First of all, for me, the door to door religion peddling does not really work. At least not in the United States, mainly because people know. You guys are out there, comedians and popular media have been making fun of you for years. I don't believe it is possible that you show up on some one's doorstep that is like "hmm Mormonism, never heard of that I ought to give that a try, no caffeine, alcohol and multiple wives, why not". Its like commercials about milk to me... Those just seem like such a waste of time and money, like hello we have not forgotten about milk you really don't need to waste advertising money to remind me about it. That's like having a commercial for gas, "oh yeah, that's what I need to buy to keep my car running, thanks advertising geniuses". Now, although I don't believe necessarily in the cause, I support the dedication and the faith in the unseen, I just don't think the door to door approach seems like the most logical way. But maybe they know something I don't.

I mean, they have to know that as soon as people see them riding up on their bikes with their matching suit outfits on that people are turning off all the lights and electronics and hiding behind the couch out of view. I mean, this is what people do to most religious experiences these days but especially when it comes knocking on their door, wearing a tie... Out of the people who answer the door my guess is that. Two in five do not have peep holes, one in five was expecting pizza, one more in that five just wants to argue and convert the person to their team, and the last person just wants someone to talk to... I cant imagine a scenario where people see some missionaries putting their kick-stands up and they rush to the door and open it before they even knock... "Please come tell me about the new testament of Jesus Christ, Ive always wanted to hear about that detour he made in Central America before ascending to heaven"...

Before I go any further I want to touch again on the outfits. While I appreciate the professionalism of their get ups, it just doesn't work for me. On one hand I am amazed that they are riding bikes around whilst wearing Sunday's best. But on the other hand it angers me when people dress better than me, I feel like they are talking down on me, and while that may be their purpose, I think that they should at least get to wear jeans and a blazer or something. The bikes, I bet you Lance Armstrong would be a good Mormon, plus it would be good biking practice. For real though, why bikes, I mean, I know that the church requires 10% from its members weekly, you'd think they would at least give these guys a business car, seems fair to me...

I do not know quite as much about Jehovah's Witnesses, I am not related to any of them so I have not got as much of the inside scoop on this one. But the two things I do know, one, they believe that there are only 144,000 people who are going to make it to the highest level of heaven, and that quota has already been filled. Yet they still go around trying to convert people in hopes of getting one of the sub par heavens... That's like saying, "hey, I'm having a birthday party at Disney World and you are invited, but there is too many people so you can hang out at Chuck E Cheese's (pizza party place in the US)...". Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either. Also I hear they don't celebrate birthdays. Which, I just don't think I can ever fully trust anyone who does not celebrate birthdays, they are like robots... Speaking of robots, today is my girlfriends birthday!!! Wooo, happy birthday babe, she should be in class but instead she is still sleeping. See, a Jehwit would be in class right now not exercising the same entitlement...

Can you imagine if all of the other religions sent out spokesman, I cant imagine a curly Hacid showing up on my doorstep, his donkey parked in my driveway. I guess Muslims bring their religion to our doorstep, typically it is strapped to their chests, doesn't have quite the same effect. The Pope driving door to door in his Pope golf cart, that could be pretty rad actually... I could go on and on, but I wont.

But hey, they must be doing something right, the worlds most popular position is still missionary style.

Day 176--- Wo-MAN...

My only introduction today is to say. Watch 30 Rock!!!

And now for the good stuff... I have decided to write again about a group that scares me. Female body builders...

I have a strong feeling that I am not the only person frightened by these female centaurs, which is why I am going to take a couple minutes out of my busy schedule to put in my two cents for the rest of us... I'd like to know why?... Why?... Why would potentially beautiful and dainty women want to do this to themselves, it is almost as confusing as the WNBA. Not the sport itself of course. more so that people actually watch it.

In my opinion these muscle women would be better suited in the booth next to the bearded lady at the state fair, of course, I would not be surprised if they were same people... I could even see them as the main event at the circus but I really believe that their presence should be limited to these special events... I would even allow a tug of war showdown between one of them and 15 midgets, but really anytime these woMEN are out in public it really should be some sort of spectacle... I may be the only one manner-less enough to say it but I know that you all are thinking it. As humans we cannot help avert our eyes from car wrecks and things of that sort, and what is a muscle woman really if not a walking talking car wreck...

Have you ever seen one of these beasts smile? I didn't think so, I don't know if they are just incapable due to muscle restriction in the face, or if they are truly just as angry as they look. Of course we would all be that angry as well if we were that beastly but, they have brought it upon themselves, its not like anyone else forced them to just eat a can of tuna, a banana, and a gallon of Creatine each day... Maybe they are like the over-make-up-ed girls, running from their ugliness straight into something Ripley worthy, believe it or not. They really are one of those things that it like pains you to look at but once you have started looking it is hard to move your attention on to anything else... I just spent a few minutes looking for the photo/s for this post, a process that is normally quite quick kept me busy for the better part of 10 minutes... If you get a second google it for yourself, if you are lucky Google will surprise you with a few nudes. This is not pornographic by any means, it is really more scientific than anything. View it as a free trip to the natural history museum... And on that note we shall conclude this post.

PS. Does having sex with one of these things count as bestiality?

Day 175--- Accentuate the Ugly...

OK so this new job has definitely already kicked my ass and taken my name... It is not so much the labor of the job but the hours that it calls for... I am trying to convince myself that I am a morning person, but the fact that I almost fell asleep while on a call today would prove otherwise... Anyways lets get back to some people judging... OK I have one, how about girls who wear too much make-up... I am sure we have all seen one or a thousand of these bitches in our lifetime...

Seriously though, I do not think I will ever get the appeal for girls to cake on pounds of make-up at a time... I mean, I get the eyeliner and the occasional bit of blush, maybe a bit of powder and mascara here and there, (totally just pulled the name of those out of my ass) but I will never agree with a decision to cover the entire face with makeup... The main reason is, that it is not fooling anyone... I mean no matter how much makeup Barbara Streisand puts on she is still going to be an ugly bitch with the face of a lion... No matter how much makeup Lady GaGa plasters on she is still going to have an Olympic rate ski jump for a shnauz... (A medi-oker face if I may)... I grew up with the belief that females were smarter than boys, it was just understood, but some of the facial decisions I have seen them make over the past few years has shaken that belief system...

You guys realize I am not talking about the average girl here, like I said before a little can go a long way. Cover up the blemishes if you must, but these girls that come out looking like Bozo the Clown need to have their make-up licenses revoked... You are not supposed to live each day like you have just gotten your face painted at the state fair... And honestly when we see that you are wearing that much makeup it just draws more attention to what you are trying to hide... You would be better off putting little band-aids over all of your little problem areas, at least those seem more natural... Plus if you are really that ugly to begin with maybe you could just do us all a favor and stay indoors... The Internet was made for people like you... Everything you could ever want or need right at your fingertips... Shopping, college, and plenty of relationship web-sites... If you ever do need to venture out I also have a solution for that, its called a paper bag...

I cant imagine what these girls spend more money on, do they spend more on the actual makeup, or on buying new clothes because their massive amounts of facial glacial runoff has ruined half of their tops... I find myself trying to dodge these girls whenever I am out so I don't end up with a face-print on my shirt... Its like when someone gets hit in the face with a pie and they try and rub it off on somebody... I bet if I threw a penny at some of these chicks it would just stick to the side of their face, but I am out of pennies, so I am pushing this experiment off on you guys... So just let me know how it works out next time you see one...

As I sit here, actually I'm laying, I am starting to wonder if this type of makeup application could actually be classified as an addiction.... I mean they must spend a shit load of money, I was with my gf one time when she had to buy some new stuff and it was like $20 for one little tube of shit. Then think about the hour it takes to put it on, and if memory serves me correct its seems like it takes just as long to take off... I feel like if you forced some of these girls to go a day without makeup they would start convulsing... We should find that out... Anyways, that's where I will leave you for today, I need to get back to some 30 Rock.

PS. I wanted to say something about looking like Heath Ledger as The Joker, but I couldn't make it fit. Just so you know.

Day 174--- In a World...

Seriously, not having the Internet for hours at a time can make it very difficult to try and write a daily blog. Other than starting a new job I also just moved into a new house and apparently my Internet here can be even more moody than it was at the last place. I really don't understand how wireless manages to get worse and worse the more other technologies advance. For real I could be sitting right next to the router and that other thing and still my service would routinely drop once or twice an hour, it makes every episode of 30 Rock end up taking like an hour and a half to get through because of all the reloading. But that is neither here nor there, it is working right now so I better get this finished before it changes its mind... Today I decided to write about the guys who do the voices for all movie and TV show previews.

We all know the very deep, almost robotic voices that adorn almost every single movie trailer and TV show ad. This dude/ small group of dudes who can do this voice must be making a killing. Sure it is easy to make your voice deep, but to have that much precision, speed, and excitement at the same time is next to impossible... How lucky is this dude that he only has to read like 20-30 paragraphs a year and he is probably making multiple millions of dollars a year. I mean, we all know that actors and actresses make a shit ton of money for what we all may consider an easy job. But their jobs are like working on the railroad compared to the voice dude. Think of how he has the market cornered. He raises his prices and they have to pay it, maybe they have been searching for years to replace him and his inflated rates, but every time they put an impostor voice on a preview the movie does awful. Honestly though, what would something like Transformers be without that perfect deep scary voice telling us to go see it. We consumers may be stupid but we would notice if our preview man was different in a heartbeat.

I wonder if this guy always walks around talking in that voice or if he can turn it off on command. I don't imagine that the preview voice was the only voice he has to work with but what if it was. He would literally be the most persuasive man on earth. Can you imagine him going through the checkout line at a grocery store and something rings up wrong. All of a sudden he busts out the booming voice, bam, price reduction. You don't want to mess with this voice. Maybe he naturally has a really high pitched voice and it really strains him to do the deep one, now after years of work he is actually losing his voice all together. Oh can you imagine the uproar if we had to switch to a different guy, or worse yet, a computer generated voice. Maybe the ticked prices would be lowered though, I heard that 5 dollars out of every ticket sold goes straight into this guys account. They have done studies that apparently show a large decrease in movie goers for movies that do not feature this guy in the trailer. So essentially, if they switch you would think that the tickets could be $5 less. I obviously totally just made that up, but it seems as reasonable as any other reason that they would have raised the average ticket price $5 in the past like 5 years... RE-tarded...

I want to know if people actually know this guy. Like if he hangs out at Hollywood bars trying to pick up chicks with his God-like voice. Maybe he is a recluse, maybe he has been teased his entire life about the voice and since 96' he has just recorded every trailer from his in home studio... I really cant tell if that voice would be sexy, or too father like to girls, luckily I was blessed with some sort of nasal-like voice that would much sooner be confused for Steve Urkel than it would be for some one's father. Wherever this guy is I hope that he at least is forced to see some of the shit movies that he recommends. Because that would just be sheer hypocrisy if he didn't actually have to view all these flicks. Maybe that's just me though.

Day 173--- Get Out of My Way...

So, in interest of catching up with some of the days that I missed throughout the contest weeks, and getting used to my new sleep schedule I am going to do a few shorter posts on some of the most random people that I can think of... The winner for today's post is those people that fill up their entire water bottles in the water fountain...

If you have ever worked in an office, been to the gym, or attended school you have no doubt run into one of these inconsiderate pricks. My luck has usually stuck me behind this person at the gym, when I am the most thirsty that I could possibly be. I just so happen to run up behind the person who feels that the fountain is for their use only... You know what I mean, those people who have those huge 64oz. bottles that they feel they need to fill right then and there. This would not be so bad if it were not for the poor stream of water that struggles to pour out of the tap... It would also not be so bad if they were considerate enough to let me grab my sip of water before the decided to fill the rest of there workout canteen, but in reality most of them are not. They may turn around occasionally giving this pathetic look like they can not help but filling the who thing up right then...

This is when I will sit there tapping my foot, and making all sorts of noises just to keep reminding them that I am there. Oh, I know they know that I am there, but I really try and make these situations as awkward as I can so that maybe they will get the picture for the future... I really cant think of anything else comparable that is this blatantly rude and wasteful of other peoples time... There is no real way around this unless you are willing to try the ol'goose trick, really one thumb up the butt and these people are sure to get out of your way... Honestly it may not even take a thumb, a finger or two may do the trick... Really though, that may be more socially frowned upon but I personally do not find it to be any more rude than monopolizing the water fountain for minutes at a time... The rules for fountains should be pretty universally straight forward just like the rules of a joint... puff puff pass... sip sip leave OK people...