Day 172--- Let Me Get Off...

Hello again, I hope that all of you guys had a great Valentines Day... A holiday that really is quite funny if you think about it... It is the one holiday that I can think of that is not either religious or celebrating something to do with your country... It is literally a holiday that was created and fueled by card companies and candy companies... I someday hope to be able to create my own holiday, I'm working on a few ideas right now, I will be sure to get back to you when I have anything more solid. Today I have selected a group of people that typically mean well, but can be among the most annoying people on the planet. I speak of the people who will not let you off the phone when you are trying to go...

This is typically something that mothers are especially good at. Most of the time I talk to my mom there comes a point in the conversation where neither one of us really have much more to say. There is a few minutes of silence where it feels like we are both preoccupied with something else in the room... I usually use this as my opportunity to get off of the phone, I start this venture by saying that I had better go get such and such done, or something along those lines. Neither one of us are really talking so it seems like the perfect time to go, but all of a sudden she will think of like 20 new questions to ask in order to keep me on the phone... I am using my mom as an example, but I know there are tons of people like this out there.

There are many tell tale signs that should be dead giveaways that the person you are talking to wants to get off the phone with you, but some people just do not pick up on these signs. The job I recently started is more or less monitoring peoples phone calls, I am not saying who I work for but I will let you assume it is something that the government pays for. Anyways, without being too specific I have realized that almost all personal calls that last more than 10 minutes seem to end this way. There is always one person who was ready to get off the call since the moment they got on, and unlucky for them the person they are talking to always seems to never want to shut up... It is always funny to hear the one person leaving hint after hint that they are ready to leave, but without a doubt the other guy will not let them go...

I am sure if you have not noticed these type of people before today that from now on you will take notice to what type of person you are on the phone. Chances are if you don't often feel bored on the phone than you are the annoying one who never lets people off... This whole phenomenon is why I have resorted to doing most of my communication via text... I'd say it has worked pretty well thus far...

Day 171--- What a Dip Sh!t...

I don't know if I had made mention to who finally won the blogger idol contest so I figure that now would be a good time... The winner was Mike over at Toomanymornings, he beat Candice out with a nice little story about why things that happen in Vegas should stay there... Congrats, and thanks again to Knucklehead for hosting the contest I had a great time competing in it. On to the type of person I want to talk about today. "The Dipper", no not the person who does chewing tobacco, I am talking about the people who dip their food in things...

Now it is a given that some things were meant to be dipped, for instance, chips into any dip really, beans, salsa, cheese, sour cream, guac, and so on. Ketchup lives on the fact that we are a dipping people, even certain sandwiches were made specifically to be dipped, I'm sure you all know the beef a jus... These are not the foods that I am talking about or the people that do it... I am talking about the more awkward dippers that have begun to flood our society...

Take the Oreo dippers for example, who would have thought that a small multi-racial cookie would be so good once it was drowned in milk... I'll tell you who, the forward thinking freak dippers is who. How about the people who dip their Wendy's french fries into their Frosties? Ya, you see it once and you make fun of the person doing it, but next time you are alone in a room with a small fry and a Frosty you better believe you are going to experiment... I have met people who dip pizza in mustard, call them crazy but I too had to try this out for myself and I will proudly admit it brings many flavors together quite nicely...

There are the people who dip their Mac-N-Cheese in ketchup, I am one of these people, I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have been looked at like I was defacing a cop car when I put some ketchup over a thing of Mac... There are the people that dip chips into their sandwiches, and even a few of those people end up leaving them there for a little extra crunch. In Europe it is perfectly normal to dip fries (or pretty much anything) into straight mayo. Out of all of these I have mentioned today this one is probably the most widely accepted... We pretty much do the same thing here, except we have managed to alter the mayo's DNA just a bit and turn it into ranch, which by the way is good on anything other than ice cream...

I could go on and on about all of the odd things that we have started dipping into other odd things, but I figured that would be hypocritical. I consider myself a very saucy dude, a very experimental sauce man, there is not a dip I wont try at least once, so you can bet I have hit up all of these on the list... I really don't see the harm, we are a nation and a world of people who like putting things in other things that they don't necessarily belong in, and on that list I believe food relations is really the least of our concerns... And with that I am going to go see what a Fig Newton tastes like with some crunchy peanut butter on it...

Oreo... Milk's favorite cookie.

Day 170--- Regular or Decaf???

Hey everyone, I wish I had an exciting story or bit of my life to start off today's post with but since I have started my new job my life has been fairly void of overly entertaining stories. As odd as it may sound, the job I have now makes me wish that I was back in NYC serving people food and getting pissed off at 10% tips... Its not so much that my current job sucks, its more so the hours, and the lack of sleep it presents me with, if I get fired from this job it will be for falling asleep. Mark my words. Speaking of sleep and my recent depreciation in the amount I get I am going to do a post today on coffee ad-dicks...

See these were people that I didn't have to deal with on a daily basis when I was working from 5pm til 1 or 2am, sure I may have crossed paths with them, but since I was normally sleeping when they were the most cracked out I never really got to see what they were like... Now I have... Wow, after seeing how some of these people behave after a cup or two of Jo it is amazing to me that marijuana is illegal and caffeine is legal.... I mean, first of all if they go a day, or maybe even just a morning without coffee, be prepared to watch someone go through withdrawals. If 8 am rolls around and they have not been pumped full of fuel first there are the headaches and then the shakes, basically picture Jamie Foxx in Ray... You don't want to be around them either, how many times have you heard, "not until I've had my coffee"? I don't know about you but I have heard it plenty growing up in the home of a coffee fiend. McDonalds even has a new commercial where the dude is a dick to everyone on the way to get his morning mug, its funny because it is true...

For someone such as myself that does not drink coffee, I really think this is unfair. I mean, if I were to walk around every day being a dick saying, "not until I smoke my morning bowl, or not until I have a couple beers", I would be looked at like an idiot. Yet day in and day out these java-douches get a free pass to piss on everyone until they shoot up their caffeine. I say bollocks to that shit. No more free passes from me, next time I have someone give me attitude with the "no coffee yet" excuse I am just going to spit on their faces. Harsh you say, I think not, I am making up for lost time.

You ever wondered why most of the Starbucks employees are so chipper and smiley? Its because they are doing lines of ground hazelnut coffee beans before the doors open, and when they are done with that they switch to doing whip-its out of the whipped cream canisters... Not that I blame them, if I had to smile that much all day I would certainly need a performance enhancing drug as well.

I don't know about you, but since I am an observer of people, I have taken plenty of time to listen to their excuses for needing coffee, but what it really boils down to is addiction... They may claim that it has no ill affect, but the bloodshot eyes and headaches obviously prove otherwise... I realize I am in the minority, my heat sensitive tongue has put me there, but I still think these guys need to shape up and fly right unless they want an eye full... I am even in the process of pitching a new show to Lifetime TV... It is basically a rip off of Intervention, called Intercappucino. Same basic idea as Intervention except this show is dedicated to coffee drinkers, with the occasional 5 Hour Energy drink addict... I am working on starting a program as well, coffee-holics anonymous, I had to go there, it was too obvious not to. Sure I have been in a thousand Starbucks' in my day, but 999 of those were just to go pee. Those things are really just public restrooms in NY.

Well, I am glad that I got that off my chest... Chances are more than half of the people who read this post will fall into this category, and if that includes you, yes you... Then, I hope you burn your tongue...

Day 169--- Let There Be Light...

Right off the bat I want to throw out a quick little complaint about this groundhog asshole... I don't know when in history they decided to make his shadow the Doppler radar, but I hate him for it... Mainly just because I don't believe that rodents should be given this much power, but also because just a few days after that little jackass saw his shadow we are expecting 12-16 inches of snow. Growing up predominately in the south we used to get excited by snow, one year we even got enough to make about 3 snowballs before it melted, but now that I am a big boy the snow is not so exciting... Especially when you fall on your ass in the middle of a busy street, just sayin. But enough about me, onto the topic for the day... If you have ever had a birthday, or been to a birthday party, which as long as you are not Jehovah's Witnesses I am sure you have. You have definitely encountered this next person, the candle gift giver.

This person typically begins their shitty gift giving trait in their high school years... It starts when boys start being invited to girls birthday parties and it is officially past they days where giving dolls and other girly stuff is acceptable. They are typically faced with a small dilemma, do I assume they are tomboyish and get them something I would like, do I try and take a stab at what type of music they are into, or do I go the thoughtful route and try and think of what a maturing female would like most. After hours of research and a little convincing from mom they decide that a scented candle is both girly and mature... Perfect, how thoughtful, how original, yes at 13 or 14 maybe... But there is a time when this nonsense must stop, or so you'd think... Most people move on and realize that they need to start being more thoughtful when they pick out gifts, but some people pretty much keep that area of thought on autopilot from there on out...

If you are wondering how I know so much about these people, it is because I too was once a candle-holic... I was the guy who grew up with like 3 guy friends and 27 girl friends who I quickly had to learn what gifts to buy each of them that would not show favoritism. It just so happened that Wal-Mart read my mind and offered a very nice assortment of cheap candles, with their help I could go to the same persons birthday party 10 years in a row and never get them the same scent twice... The good thing is that I knew I was not alone, there have been numerous events that I have attended where candles were as far as other peoples gifting creativity went as well... I cant blame them, candles really do appear to be the perfect gift... Not only do they smell fantastic, and create light, but they can be used as paperweights or bookends. Candles are a bit of history, but they also appear to be a thing of the future, these things stand the test of time no matter how many things we find that smell better or brighten brighter... I mean honestly though, you don't see us using tape players and telegraphs, but here we are day after day lighting candles up when all we really need to do is flip a switch... In a way I am proud to gift a candle, and you should be glad to receive one, I dare you to find something that has stood the test of time better... And even in a case to case example, I still have candles that I will light up on special occasions that I may have gotten 5 or 6 years ago... No, I don't remember who got them for me, but as besides the point they were a great gift!...

With that long ass excuse of why I think it is acceptable to buy candles as gifts you still should know that there are other things out there that people like as well... I am not the best one to make suggestions, but I do hear they have these things called malls, ten minutes in there and I am sure you will have someone trying to sell you something...

Day 168--- The Magical Fruit...

I just want to start the post today by congratulating the New Orleans Saints on a very nice win this evening... (Three or four of them read my blog on a daily basis, including Drew Brees, so it would almost be rude of me to not give them a shout out...) Really though, that was a very impressive game and I would say after the offensive year they had this year they deserved to cap it off with a win... Plus Drew Brees is just sooo much cuter than Manning right ladies... Speaking of bad smells that reminds me about the post (like that segway?)... I felt that it was about time for another gross-ish post, so here it is... People who fart in enclosed places...

We all know the classic elevator scene where someone drops the bomb and leaves the rest of the people to suffer in their flatulent-ation, but these demons are certainly not limited to elevators. Get them anywhere that a window is closed and air is not flowing properly and they are more than likely to strike... After years of both controlled and uncontrolled research I believe that the most common reason for someone to do this is that they take pleasure in seeing others in pain... There can be no other reason that someone would wait until they are locked up in an non-ventilated area, most normal people shy away from blasting off in public for fear of embarrassment, but I believe these but menaces actually go out looking for opportunities to spread their dirty air seeds...

They will often be the ones at work who are chowing down on the can of beans for lunch, in the F. Arters Handbook this is known as the most common form of ammunition; in layman's terms, "the magical fruit". Now, I understand that farting is a normal human occurrence, unless you are a female, but this does not mean that you need to save up your chemical butt-fare for everyone else to choke on... There are proper, more mature ways and locations to dispense your ass clouds and all of those places include some sort of air circulation...

There are a few places that these poo-foggers like to frequent, I have compiled a short list of places that you may want to be aware of...

- Elevators, a given, this is actually where they train.

- In bed, these blanket bandits can be male or female, favorite move- "the dutch oven".

- In line at the Post Office, where the air is already stale with death and hatred from lack of circulation and customer service.

- Airplanes, buses, or cars, anywhere that you cannot open a window or a door. (More than likely it is the (driver, pilot, stewardess).

- Gym. These may be accidental, but they still smell like they have purpose.

- Any type of school class, or office building with poor air circulation... (very hard to execute an S.B.D. fart in school due to chairs with loud ricochet capability, but it can happen) (S.B.D. = silent but deadly).

The list could carry on I am sure, but all this talk about colon dusters is making me hungry so I am going to have to leave you guys with seven... If you can think of any other places that you have been an unsuspecting victim of some one's poo-tanani please add it to the comments to warn everyone else... In the meantime you might just want to carry around a mini bottle of Febreeze to lighten up the air when someone decides to crop dust your next elevator ride...