Day 204--- "I'm Telling"

That's right, you are not mistaken, I am back for the second time in one week. I hope you are as impressed as I am. I hope that everyone had a pleasant Valentines day yesterday, I know that my roommate did... He and the cat both looked very happy when I got home from my date, I didn't ask any questions. I hope that you checked out the video at the bottom of the Packer post because it is really my only excuse to why I had taken off 8 months from writing these things. But now that the stand up is a little more underway I figure I can manage both, I mean I do only work about 23 hours a week. Hard knock life.

So lets get to todays victim. The Tattle Tale. I know what you are thinking, " hey Ryan, I haven't heard those words since I was in Middle School, are they even still around?"... Hell yes they are, they have just become a little better at their craft. When they were young, before they learned how to monitor their "tattle filter" their instinct was to just run up to whoever was in charge (parent or a teacher) and just blurt out what wrong was being committed... "Mom! mom! Ryan is taking a shit on the kitchen floor, Ryan ate all my Playdoh, Ryan is trying to light a firecracker in the dogs butt." (Only one of those was made up, I'll let your imagination run wild). Those kids that immediately ran and told rather than just letting us clowns do our thing were named tattle tales. Those who went above and beyond in order to get others in trouble. Flash forward 20 years, if these people were to still so outwardly tattling their would be a lot more blows thrown on a daily basis, so they have had to become more passive and more sneaky... Had they learned this 20 years earlier those prior "tattles" would have sounded more like this, " Gee, its so funny when Ryan goes poo in the kitchen, you should go check it out, I cant wait to get new Playdoh, silly Ryan ate all mine again," and lastly, "ha, I didn't know that a firecracker would stick in the dogs butt, and still be able to light, Ryan proves me wrong again". You see, with just slightly different wording they sound less like douche-bags and more like they are just sharing information, yet the purpose, the tattle, is still there in disguise...

Flash back forward 20 years, I don't know where that lands us, but imagine its 2011. You were supposed to finish some paperwork on Friday but your boss leaves early. You figure, ima head out early pre-finishing paperwork but beat my boss in on Monday and get the shit done then. Weekend starts early and no one gets hurt. But the jealous douche next to you (with the same job), who is a pansy with no life and who wants to finish all their work before they leave sees that you have taken off early without finishing... What do they do? They put in a nice little courtesy call to the boss at the end of the day just to inform them how the rest of the day went... For some reason during this call they decide that they need to say "oh, and before I head out tonight I'll go ahead and do those "papers" for Ryan, I saw he had left some things un-finished before he dipped out today, no big deal I just want to make sure everything is done before the weekend"... And there you have it ladies and gentleman and ladymen and gentle ladies "The Adult Tattle Tale"... Sounding more familiar. Listen I work at a restaurant and we have them, people love telling on me for not doing all of my sidework, silverware rolling especially... Instead of saying, "Ryan didn't roll enough silverware" they say, "Hmm, Ryan sure got done fast, usually takes everyone else much longer". Yeah, thats just because you guys are retarded. That's OK, it happens.

There are a few other names for people who "tattle" as adults. Such as, snitches, witnesses, or informants. You know what happens to most of these people? That's right, they get killed, dead, just sayin. Tattling is some serious business, so if you are or have a kid who has been known to tell on others, you may want to think about the consequences. Done.

Day 203--- I'm Back... With the PACK!

So I guess its been about 8 months since I have graced any of your computer screens with my words, but I had 2 cups of crac-offee today so I could pretty much do anything. Even read a book, ha, yeah right. I imagine that a good 47% probably quit using the Internet completely once you realized I was not blogging any longer. I mean what point is there to live if you cant get your daily fill of Ryan. Mmm sounds dirty. Anyways, I think I'm done being burnt out with my blog (which should make them good and fun again) so I'm hoping to shell out a few a week at least til I hit my 365Th. For those of you non-mathematicians that's somewhere around 162 more posts. Makes me wet just thinking about it. Can you feel it? Just to let you know I haven'tbeen completely lazy since we parted ways, I have actually started diving into the world of stand-up comedy... I honestly owe some of my old readers a big thank you for the encouragement, I probably never would have gotten into it if I didn't have so many of them suggest that I should. So thanks if any of you come across this... (I'll post some videos)

Green and Yellow, Green and Yellow, Green and Yellow... For those of you who don't know, remember, or care I moved from L.A. to Milwaukee just over a year ago because I wanted to see what shrinkage was all about. Since moving here I have fallen in love, (in more ways than one) with everything about this place. But today I've decided to highlight Packers Fans... I cant think of another place that I've lived where people support their teams as hardcore as they do here in the Cheese-head state...

How about the fact that any game played at Lambeau field after mid-November has about a 94 percent chance of being at or below snot freezing temperatures and if memory serves me correctly snot has a lower freezing point than water... Still this does not stop them from packing the stadium in green and yellow... I wasn't able to find stats on how often their games sell out, mainly because I am not a detective and don't have all day to read my way through sports stats (aka I'm lazy). But I can tell you that: season tickets have been sold out since 1960, and more than 81,000 names remain on the waiting list (with a reported average wait time of 30 years). Actually, wikipedia can tell you that, I can copy paste. I'd say it takes some pretty dedicated fans to keep that streak up...

Now, anyone that has not been infected with color-blindness can admit that green and yellow are about the 2 least flattering or appealing colors on earth. Even still almost daily during the season Packers fans will go head to toe with this shit... Any day of the week you will find the mall littered with old blue haired women with their 97' Superbowl sweatshirts and Starter jackets, so sexy. But hey, at least we aren't the browns...

Ive also become impressed with the fact that any gameday, even early in the season, when the Packers game is on the Milwaukee becomes a ghost town. For the 3 or so hours that the game is on you could run down the middle of the street butt ass naked and have a 75% less chance of being hit by a car... I've done my research. Seriously though, I've lived all around the country and traveled around it even more and I have never been to a state where more people schedule their lives around a football team... Its touching, not Ben Roethlisberger touching, but touching none-the-less...

My favorite thing about all Packers fans is their mutual hatred for all things Bears or Vikings... I mean, I have seen some pretty intense rivalries up close in my life including Yankees-Red Sox, but nothing compares to the way Wisco-nites hate those to the south and west... Before I realized the full extent I thought it would be funny to buy a Bears cup that I had found a Goodwill and put it in our cupboard with the rest of the cups. This was the closest I had ever come to being raped in my life, and I live with 2 girls and a cat, even the cat wouldn't talk to me for a week... The Brett Favre hatred is pretty impressive as well, but I'd say only about half of the people here hate him, the other half are impressed that he can text at his age...

I've never been one for goodbye's, so instead of having an impressive or even semi-impressive outro, I am just going to post a video of one of the 1st stand up performances I ever did back in early January... (aka. shameless self promotion/ whoring myself out)... I will be doing more blogs! Please come join me again for the ride...

Day 202--- Futonomics Anonymous...

This post has been inspired by a personal life situation. I am currently moving from one apartment to the next. When thinking about this annoying task I said to myself (in my head) "it would just be easier to sell this (nice) queen size bed and buy some small futon to move into the next place"... I realized at that point that I had lowered my standards so far that I was actually willing to sacrifice long term comfort for short term convenience... I am not yet sure if I have become that lazy or if I was just not thinking, but regardless I was inspired to do a blog about anyone over 25 (or out of college) still sleeping on a futon.

Years ago, when I first discovered the 8th wonder of the man made world "the futon", I'll have to admit that I was impressed... Couch by day and bed by night, what could be better, you didn't have to remove cushions like those pesky couch beds, you didn't have to pull it out of the wall like a Murphy bed. All you had to do was literally just push the back down, and presto, you have a bed.... But the older I get the more I realize that the good ol futon is more like the mullet of the home furnishing department. Sure it gives you both the business and the party option but it does it in such a white trash way... For instance, most people know that you have sex on your bed, but most people would imagine that there is less of a chance that you have done it bare assed on your couch... But the futon completely ruins any doubt that we would have in our minds, seeing as how the futon is the only real option...

So that is why in my opinion futons must be limited to anyone in college, or anyone up to the age of 25... Outside of this category I will assume that you are either still living at home, meaning the home you grew up in, and probably having your mom still make your lunch before she drives you to work. Or maybe you are a hippie, who has promised never to conform to the proper couch loving conformists of the world. Possibly you could be one of the guys who still lives the high school life, front row every football game of the season, (including away games), still attends and buys beer for all High school parties. That guy is allowed to have a futon. Or any single male (bachelor) over the age of 35, by this point if you are not rich, or at least well on your way you are probably going to end up living a very lonely life, so I'd say why not go for convenience on this one, probably not going to be sharing the bed anyways. Unless you look like Harrison Ford. Anyone who has a blog, or any other sort of web fascination whether it be World of Warcraft or website building, go ahead and have a futon as well, don't wanna have too much open space in the bed. Of course you could always just be in a band, or even just owning an instrument and knowing a few chords would allow you enough positive cool points to own a futon, we all know how cool people in bands are...

There is a slim possibility that I forgot one or two people from this list, but for the most part if you do not fall into any of these categories you should probably get rid of that futon and get a big boy bed... I have a feeling that most girls would find it more attractive if you slept in a big boy version of a race car bed like Missy Elliot than they would if they came over and found out that they were going to get poked on a futon. At least the car bed shows that you have a sense of humor... To those who have futons... Sleep well.

Day 201--- Onto the Next One...

Day 201, oh boy this is going to be exciting, but really aren't all these posts pretty much the most exciting thing that people see daily? Just nod your head in agreement, you never know if I am standing outside your window or not, blogger tracks everyones home address for me.... Anyways on to the post. Ive got a lot of potential posts running around in my head but today I think I am going to blast the serial daters.

I'd say if you are under the age of 30 and have at least ten friends (not on the Internet), then more than likely at least one of the ten is a serial dater... Serial dating to me does not necessarily mean that they are going on dates with different people every night of the week, sure they count. But I am also talking about those who will go straight from one month with one person, get their heart broken, say they need time off, and then two days later being out with someone else, turning that into the next heartbreak.

Being the mama's boy that I am most of my life I have had the blessing/curse of having pretty much all female friends. While this position has its perks, ie. if I need advice on how to match an outfit or the best new chick flick to take my girlfriend to, it also comes with the strict un-negotiable title of "Resident relationship advice man from a males perspective"... While I have played my part well for the past 10-15 years I cant say that I always enjoy it, not because I don't love giving male insight and sneakily cock-blocking some dude Ive never met, no that's not the reason at all. Mainly its because half of the time my friends will come to me begging for advice and not taking it.

More often than any other problem I find that they are these serial daters. General situation, they meet someone out at a bar, he seems nice, he talks about his mom, and how much he loves puppies. He has a job, health insurance, and no tattoos on his face, so the girls instantly think he is the one for them. They don't give it up the first night, and are so pleased that he wants to go on a second date, things are still nice, he is not abusive yet, still likes puppies, and the skull tattoo on his back is only visible with his shirt off, that's fine her parents will never see it.... After a few dates, she feels something (horny), so they have sex, he acts weird after, makes an excuse to leave, doesn't text for a couple days. He makes an excuse four days later, and sets up another date, says something nice that gets her even more hooked, now she thinks this could be the one. This goes on for about a month in one form or another and by this point she is in love, he is getting bored, he starts to act different, which is really just him showing how he really is after he has gotten what he wanted. That drags on for another month or so and while she is holding tight he is trying to sneak out the window in the middle of the night. Finally things end, she comes to me, explains the situation, talks about how she just needs to be single for a while and figure herself out. Three days later, I met this really great guy out at the bar the other night--- the circle of single life, the circle of a serial dater.

As I am writing this I'm realizing that its having a slightly more serious/bitchy tone than a lot of my other posts, but I guess its just because this is a subject matter I have been dealing with silently for years. This goes for guys and girls alike, but if you don't want to have your heart broken 10 times a year, don't give it to 10 people a year. If you say that you'd like some time to yourself, then give yourself some time it really comes down to making that decision. The funny thing is that I know that the few friends I have that are in the deepest into this so called dating world are never going to read this, probably because they are too busy dating.

The biggest key words that a girl or guy can look for in a potential serial dater is, "I'm not sure what I want right now." That is code for, I'm down to put the p in the v and maybe even see a movie or three but don't expect me to put a ring on that fing-er, and once I realize you're a clinger I'll be gone quicker than a Brendan Fraser movie from the theaters. Not to ruin people's perfect vision of the dating world, but real life is probably more like Sex and the City than it is like Serendipity, not that I know what Sex and the City is like. I'd also like to point out that where you meet these potential prospects can tell you a lot about what the future may hold... Basically don't go to a synagogue if you wouldn't want to marry a Jew, even though they do have more money and power than your family will ever have. And my last bit of advice, don't date George Clooney if you ever want to get married.

Anyways, I'm going to step off of my soapbox and leave the preaching to people like Kanye West and Al Sharpton. I'll make sure the next post has more laugh potential.

Day 200--- En-GAUGing...

So day 200, I finally made it to you, you look better than I would have expected. You would think that I was gonna do something special to celebrate making it this far, especially after the past few months, but I'm not. Because as I see it, each day is just as special as the day before. With that being said its time to make fun of someone new... How about those people out there with excessively gauged ears... Yes, that'll work.

So if the picture that I included isn't enough to describe this atrocity or if you are one of the many blind people who subscribe to my blog in braille allow me to elaborate. Gauging is the act of taking a normal/standard sized piercing and spreading it out to the point that someone could toss a dart through the hole. Hopefully though, if you allow someone to try this they will miss on purpose and hit you somewhere towards the middle of the face-eyeball area. For no other reason than because you deserve it... I do not know why these people feel the need to try and look like they are part of some sort of Amazonian or African tribe. And lets be honest, the look isn't even cool on them, give Tim Gunn 5 minutes with the Wachootoo Tribe and he'd have them regretting that they ever decided to expand those ear lobes.

Now, I have never been close enough, nor will I ever be close enough one of these people to find out for sure. But I imagine, in my not so vivid imagination that these ear holes must smell like something that Amy Winehouse would cough up after a night of not being in rehab. I mean, its essentially a hole with stretching dying flesh, and no I'm not talking about Winehouse anymore I'm talking about the ears... You know what, maybe they don't smell at all, but chances are that anyone willing to do this to themselves probably has something wrong with them that would make them smell in the first place...

OK, gauging your ears may not be as bad as a tattoo on the face, (Mike Tyson-just in case you're still keeping up on my blog I cant believe you did that to your face) but it is easily in the same realm of idiotic decisions... I firmly believe that gauging is a gateway decision to other bad body decisions, first the ears, then you are going to want to put a small plate in your lip, then cut your tongue in half like a snake, its just an endless spiral of bad decisions. Yeah, it may be your body, but unlike an abortion the rest of us have to deal with the consequences of your bad choices along with you.

I feel like a lot of the people who do this to themselves are just upset with the way they look, and already have poor self image because of the way they look. While I understand this, because I have seen how ugly the majority of you are, let me warn you that putting multiple pieces of metal through your face is not going to properly divert attention from the ugly-ness... It actually has an odd way of accentuating it, which believe me, nobody wins when this happens. The only good thing that can come from gauging your ears and sticking an overload of metal in your head is that now you will more than likely get struck with lightning before I do, if we are standing anywhere close to each other. Which, would be a mystery in itself. Anyways that's my time.